Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/30

Welcome to the new week, all. And welcome to said new week's edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart! I can hear the angels singing now!

This past weekend was of course the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. We here at New Jersey is Clean, Idiots hope that you enjoyed all of your time spent with family, friends and great food. As I've said many times before and will continue to say until my last breathe, it is the greatest holiday on the planet. Mine was awesome despite the fact that all of the New York teams that I like tried to ruin it for me. The Giants put forth one of the more pathetic performances I have ever seen out of them in their Thanksgiving night game at Denver, and the Rangers lost their 2 games over the weekend against the Lightning and Penguins by a combined score of 13-4. I will say nothing more about these teams for fear of throwing my girlfriend's computer off of our 18th floor balcony.

Scotty and I were having a textversation (trademark it!) about the fledgling United Football League and how the season started and ended... without anyone actually knowing about it. It brings to mind the argument about if a tree falls in the forest without anyone seeing it, did it actually happen? The league has only 4 teams: the Las Vegas Locos, the Florida Tuskers, the New York Sentinels, and the California Redwoods. First off, dumb names. The season apparently started on October 8, and culminated this past weekend with the 1st championship game between the Locos and the Tuskers, which the Locos won. A few notes about your UFL Champion Locos: 1) Their head coach is Jim Fassel! I love Jim! I never understood why he couldn't get another head coaching job in the NFL after leaving the Giants. Maybe this championship will be his big break! 2) More Giants blood - Sam Garnes is a defensive assistant coach. I was a big fan of the old Sam Garnes - Shaun Williams safety combo. 3) More former Giants! Adrian Awasom and Ross Kolodziej - No wonder the Locos are champions! 4) Graham Gano from Florida St. is their kicker. Cordes and I were watching him in college last year and decided he was awesome and we should draft him to replace Lawrence Tynes. Now, he apparently can't get an NFL kicking job and is stuck in the UFL... and I still believe we should get him to replace Tynes. 5) The Locos starting quarterback, and the league's marquee player is... JP Losman. Yeah, this league will last........

Last year in fantasy baseball I dubbed Indians CF Grady Sizemore the "Man Crush." I gave him this name because he was a great ballplayer who plays the game the right way, and he is a pretty boy. Well this past year he was either injured or shit, so in my eyes, he has lost that nickname. Apparently he does not agree, and has taken my nickname just a bit too seriously:

Click me, peruse the photos, and come back!

UPDATE: The original link with a ton of photos was taken down. This link you see now is a different one I found quickly that doesn't have nearly as much.

Grady?! Seriously?!!??!?! You have to know this shit is going to come out at some point and you will become the laughing stock of baseball. My girlfriend's favorite photo is the one where he covers his nuts with a coffee mug. I hope fans in rival stadiums next year are creative and use these photos to taunt him. There is a lot of good material here.

If you watch Fox NFL Sunday, then you've seen those atrocious Verizon Football Focus (or whatever the hell it's called) commercials that air right before the 1:00 kickoff, which star some random chick named Rebecca Grant. Rebecca never actually says the names of teams, but instead uses catchy phrases like, "Let's see if the Birds can get in sync at the Linc today!" But her worst transgression against society is the horrendous plastic surgery she's sporting. Seriously Rebecca, did you have to put that much of your ass in your cheeks, making them that immobile and puffy? You look like 2 bees stung you in your face - one in each cheek - but instead of rubbing some ointment on them to make the swelling go down, you sprayed liquid nitrogen on them to freeze them and keep the swollen look forever. Your surgeon should have his license taken away, and you should be replaced by a chick who is actually hot. For shame.

I enjoyed Rex Ryan employing a new secret code with Mark Sanchez so that he would stop throwing so many damn interceptions. Basically, Ryan would have code words (or colors or whatever) that he would say/show to Sanchez to let Sanchez know how he should approach that moment in the game, be it conservatively, aggressively, or anything in between. Let's say he used the red/yellow/green of a stop light for Sanchez:

Red - Play conservatively. No mistakes here, let's be safe.
Yellow - Take what the defense gives you and make a play.
Green - Go for broke, interceptions be damned! We need a big play here!

I guess it worked, since Sanchez only threw one interception and the Jets won. And that got me thinking - what if other notable folks were given the stoplight secret code in their lives?

Pacman Jones
Red - Don't go in that strip club, Pac. It'll only lead to trouble.
Yellow - You can look but don't touch. A stripper is meant to be admired.
Green - Make it rain!

Plaxico Burress
Red - Let's stay in tonight, Plax. I hear Antonio Pierce has a Netflix account!
Yellow - You can head to the bar, but keep things low-key. We don't want any trouble.
Green - Hit the town with your glock, son! Reckless abandon is the key to success!

Elin Woods
Red - I'm sure the stories are false. Tiger would never cheat on you.
Yellow - I doubt Tiger cheated, but let's hire a private investigator to follow him, just in case.
Green - Grab that fairway metal and beat the shit out of that cheating mother(beeeep)!!!

Bill Clinton
Red - The Oval Office is sacred, like marriage, and should never be tarnished.
Yellow - It's ok to see Monica on the side, but let's keep it under wraps.
Green - Sacred institution my ass! Get under that desk, woman!

Ray Lewis
Red - Let's have a quiet, small Super Bowl party at your house. Close family and friends only.
Yellow - Let's go see the game at a bar, but beware of drunk people getting too crazy.
Green - That dude disrespected your crew?! Let's beat his ass!.... Uh oh.

OJ Simpson
Red - Things just didn't work out with Nicole. Let's take time to recover, then find a new love.
Yellow - Maybe you should try and reconcile with Nicole. You still love her, after all.
Green - Ronald Goldman doesn't deserve her! Let's k--- wait. A jury acquitted you. You didn't do nuthin!

Anyone else have any good examples of people in real life getting the Mark Sanchez secret code treatment? Email them to me at jerseyisbest@gmail.com and I'll post the best ones, along with a few more of my own.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family, from all of us here at New Jersey is Clean, Idiots.

As you all know, Thanksgiving is held in the highest regard by us, as it is the greatest of all the great holidays. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the turkey, the cranberries, the sweet potato casserole, the stuffing, and all the rest of your feast, as well as the... Lions? And... Raiders? And the....... Cowboys? GROSS.

BUT AT LEAST THE G-MEN ARE ON TONIGHT TO REDEEM US ALL!!! Send them your thoughts and prayers, as a Giants victory will not only make this holiday complete for me, but will cure world hunger. Trust me.

UPDATE: World hunger continues on. The Giants are the worst team in football. Unwatchable. Frustrating. Pathetic. I could go on forever.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/23

It was a laid-back weekend for yours truly, as he embarked on a 9-day staycation from work that is absolutely necessary. Lots of sleep, laying-around, being lazy, eating, not working out, playing video games, eating more, still not working out, and more laying around await. Plus the greatest holiday in the world, Thanksgiving, is coming on Thursday. You can't imagine how excited I am.

We'll begin with the Notre Dame - UConn game. My brother went to UConn so I've become somewhat of a fan of the Huskies, and it was great to see them beat the not-so-mighty Golden Domers and more or less seal the fate of Charlie Weis as another failed coach from the Belichick coaching tree. The most important thing about this game though was UConn getting its first win since star cornerback Jasper Howard was murdered about a month ago. It was nice to see them finally be able to celebrate a win after going through so much. And Charlie Weis? PEACE.

If you ever take any piece of advice from me (though you really always should since I know everything), do this one thing: buy the new Star Trek movie on Blu-Ray. I am not a trekkie by any stretch of the imagination, in fact, I had absolutely no idea what was going on in the movie the first time I saw it, nor did I know any of the characters. But believe me when I tell you, it... is.... AWESOME. Words cannot describe how good it looks in Blu-Ray. You need this movie in your life.

Oh WHAT?! Jimmie Johnson won his 4th straight NASCAR championship?! Wait... no one cares about NASCAR. Shut up.

The Snuggie is taking over the planet. According to their latest commercial, not only are people wearing them when cold on their couches, they are now wearing them out to sporting events, wearing them to parties with other people wearing Snuggies, and actually DANCING IN THEM! What a versatile piece of clothing! They also now come in great designer prints, like leopard and zebra, so when you're not wearing them you can use them as a great-looking throw on your couch. Because obviously, everyone loves having a dead zebra skin laying over their couch. The Snuggie is going too far. It must be stopped.

I was lucky enough to go to the most important game of the year for the New York Football Giants on Sunday (thank you Cordes), which they ended up winning in overtime over the Falcons, 34-31. First off, thank God they won. They needed this game in the worst way after losing 4 in a row prior to the bye week. Hopefully this gets us back on track. But second, despite our victory, this defense has some serious problems. This was the second game in a row where they failed to stop the opposing team from driving down for a touchdown when it mattered most. They can't get pressure on the quarterback, they can't cover any tight end in this league, and the middle of the field is always wide-open against them. Something needs to be done, because our supposedly amazing defense is pretty mediocre, at best. Also, I would get on Kevin Gilbride for another poorly-called game, but Eli played great and we scored 34 points, so maybe I'm just an idiot. And of course, Lawrence Bleeping Tynes missed another field goal. I really, really, REALLY hate him.

The San-chise is absolutely killing the Jets, but you already knew that. The Patriots started quickly against them, but after the Jets made the game close at 24-14, he just began throwing every pass he possibly could to the other team, and of course the Patriots ended up winning big. He certainly began the year good, but Mark Sanchez has taken some significant steps backward. Not a lot of good going on with the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS these days.

Reason #487 Why I Don't Understand Women: On Sunday, my girlfriend and her friends, one of which is engaged to be married, went to some classy wedding dress store that is on a TV show (I forget the name) to try on dresses, knowing full-well that they weren't going to buy one because they are so insanely expensive. They went to just try them on. To just look at them. To see their friend in a dress and sob quietly while they sipped champagne. That's fun? Am I missing something? I just don't get it.

Ugh. Another week of wor - OH WAIT, NEVERMIND! I'M ON VACATION BIOTCHES!!!

Me at work

Hence the lack of posts.

Lo siento para todo el mundo.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/16

My apologies for the dearth of posting this past week, but as I said last week, I had been infected with the Ebola Virus... or just a bad cold. Either way, writing was the last thing on my mind as I was too preoccupied with my Madden 10 franchise, coughing, sleeping, watching season 2 of Raising the Bar, coughing, sleeping, sweating, and then playing more Madden. 2 things - 1) When playing Madden 10, make Pat White your quarterback, and use Miami's playbook and run the wildcat. Then thank me later. 2) Raising the Bar is awesome. Don't dismiss it as just another courtroom drama, because it isn't. It has Zack Morris. 'Nuff said.

So anyway, I was able to achieve a level of healthiness by the end of the week that allowed for my attendance at one of our country's great traditions this past weekend: the Cortaca Jug. For those not in the know, it is the annual battle in football between the greatest college in the world, Ithaca College, and the shittiest college in the world, Cortland St. The rivalry is a heated one, but we're better, as shown by Ithaca's 39-26-3 lead in the series, and 34-17 advantage in games since the Jug was introduced. But the end result, as far as I'm concered, is always in Ithaca's favor, because there are only 2 results in the game. They are:

1) We win.

2) They win, but we know that one day Cortland students will either be working for us, or scrubbing our shitters once we leave our place of work for the day. It's simple.

As you would expect, Ithaca prevailed 23-20, because not only are we better at football, but we're better people. Trust me - it's science. And as far as the rest of the weekend goes, we took part in some of the finer aspects of life that Ithaca has to offer that I will perhaps get into greater detail in at a later date. A lot of it involves alcohol and food, if you must know.

I didn't really get to see any football yesterday except for the Colts-Patriots Sunday nighter that I passed out in during the 3rd quarter because my body had gone through too much torture the previous two days. I was delighted to see that the Pats had lost though when I saw the highlights this morning, because whenever a team from The Nation loses, it's good in my book. I have to say I support Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th and 2 at the end there though. If you have a chance to end the game, you take it. Love the aggressiveness. Love that they didn't get it. Another excellent development from yesterday was that the Giants actually didn't lose! Sure, they didn't play, but who cares?

Yesterday, me and the guys got into a spirited debate about what happened at the end of A League of Their Own. I think Dottie dropped the ball on purpose because she is the supportive, older sister who realized the game meant more to her little sister Kit than it did to her. Dottie is too good a player to drop that ball by accident. THE BALL IS RIGHT IN HER GLOVE. IT'S NOT POSSIBLE TO MESS THAT PLAY UP. SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE. Others think that she actually did drop the ball by accident, and that Kit's team won on their own merits. Nope, sorry. Dottie dropped the ball on purpose. Your thoughts?

Ugh. Another week of work.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/9

Not too much to talk about in what was a pretty uneventful weekend for me. My girlfriend was sick all last week, and I tried my best to avoid contracting the plague: sleeping in our freezing living room all week, avoiding all contact whenever possible, wearing those hazmat suits you remember from Outbreak whenever I entered our bedroom. But like Rene Russo got the Motaba Virus anyway when she was pricked in the finger with the needle, I too was compromised and now am sick myself. So what is a sick guy to do? Watch sports, of course.

First, we'll begin with the Knicks to get that out of the way. They suck. Hard. Ok that's enough of them.

Second, the Rangers. They suck too apparently. In Calgary on Saturday, Chris Drury took an elbow to the head, a cheapshot that all 4 refs on the ice missed. And not only that, but one of the refs was 5 FEET FROM DRURY WHEN IT HAPPENED AND HE STILL DIDN'T SEE IT. So in hockey, when the refs miss something like that, you take justice into your own hands and beat the shit out of the guy who did it, in this case Curtis Glencross. Donald Brashear, who we never should have signed in the first place, is useless and hurt, so I figured it would be up to Sean Avery to get the job done. He did not. Did anyone else? No. So Glencross walked away scot-free, having taken our captain out of the game. Not only do we suck, but now we're soft. Fantastic. And now with Brandon Dubinsky out for 6 weeks with a broken hand, we are really screwed at the center position. Things are not looking good.

Finally, the New York Football Giants, who continued their streak of ineptitude with their 4th-straight loss, this time to the San Diego Chargers. At least this one wasn't a complete embarrassment like the previous games against the Eagles and Saints, but it was just as heart-breaking nonetheless. Lawrence Tynes began things by fucking up a simple field goal, as he is want to do a lot. This time though, he didn't actually miss the field goal, he just didn't bother to kick it. Snap was good, Feagles put the ball down, Tynes ran up - and just stood there. What an asshole. Told you this would happen.

The Giants did actually play an okay game though, with Eli looking pretty good for the first time in 4 weeks. The defense as well was decent, though they were bailed out by a bunch of drops by the Chargers' receivers, most notably Antonio Gates, that may have given the game a different look. But they did have a chance to win the game, and should have sewn it up after Terrell Thomas picked off Philip Rivers with just over 2 minutes to go in the game and returned it to the Chargers' 4 yard line. But in typical Giants fashion, they screwed the pooch in the redzone, committing a bad holding penalty and playing conservatively, ultimately settling for a field goal that assface actually made. This drove me nuts. GO FOR THE TOUCHDOWN TOM. At worst, we don't get it, and we kick a field goal anyway. At best, we score a touchdown and put the game away. But running 2 straight draw plays up the middle with Brandon Jacobs (who by the way only had 11 carries all game - inexcusable) is ridiculous and showing no confidence in your team.

Predictably, San Diego drove down the field with ease and scored the winning touchdown afterwards, which was frustrating because the defense had completely shut them down in their previous 2 possessions, but when it really mattered, they choked. The key play was the 21-yard completion to Darren Sproles that we all knew was coming because Bill Sheridan called an all-out blitz that left the middle of the field wide-open even though we always get killed in the middle of the field. What an idiot, especially because our all-out blitzes never get to the quarterback anyway. It was a depressing, heart-breaking end to a game we should have won. Oh and one more thing - WHAT THE HELL IS JUSTIN TUCK DOING COVERING ANTONIO GATES?!?!?! WE SIGNED MICHAEL BOLEY TO COVER TIGHT ENDS, NOT TO BLITZ HIM AND DROP ONE OF THE BEST DEFENSIVE LINEMAN IN THE LEAGUE INTO COVERAGE. Thank God for the Yankees, because otherwise, New York sports is in the toilet right now.

Ugh. Another week of work.

27

Soak it in, ladies and gentlemen. The New York Yankees are World Series Champions for the 27th time!

Andy Pettitte did what he does best in Game 6. He didn't have his best stuff, but he gutted out a win in the deciding game, which is exactly what he did in the Division Series against the Twins and the Championship Series against the Angels. Mike Francesca, I expect you to eat a little crow today, but I highly doubt it given the size of your ego. I would imagine you'll just deny you ever said that basically Andy was going to get killed in Game 6 because he was on short rest. Idiot. There wasn't another pitcher on this planet that we would rather have had out on that mound in this game other than Andy.

As for the rest of the Yanks, Hideki Matsui was as clutch as you could be with 6 RBIs last night, tying the record set by Bobby Richardson in 1960. He was rightly named the Series MVP, batting .615 with 3 HRs and 8 RBIs. Unreal. The Captain had a great series, batting over .400, CC pitched phenomenally in both his starts, Damaso Marte was flawless out of the bullpen, Alex Rodriguez had some big hits in big spots, Johnny Damon had some of the biggest at-bats you'll ever see, plus the Series' defining moment in Game 4 with his double-steal in the 9th, and of course, the greatest closer in the history of the game, Mariano Rivera, was on-hand to shut down the Phillies at the end. It was an incredible end to an incredible series.

Canyon of Heroes, here we come!

No more dirty catheters!

I always hate when I constantly have to re-use my dirty catheters, and I'm sure you do too. But now there's a solution!



Thank God for the Medical Care Club!

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/2: Tuesday Edition

My apologies for the lack of Farting (blogly speaking of course, my roommates would attest to literal farting occurring) yesterday, but I was mucho busy. So instead of just delving into our past weekend, we'll delve into our past weekend with an added sprinkling of Monday night flavor to satisfy your palettes.

Saturday was Halloween as you all know, so the woman and I ventured off to some yonder bar in New York City for a good ol' fashioned Halloween hoe down. I was Plaxico Burress, immediately following his infamous incident at the Latin Quarter last November. I had my Burress jersey (one of the worst purchases ever) on, gigantic sweatpants with a ton of blood on the left leg, icy whites, and a visor angled to the side. It was GANGSTA. My beau was that annoying chick from the Progressive commercials, but I have to give her a credit for a job well done. The costume was awesome.

We attended the festivities with the Unabomber, Carmen Sandiego, Aldes Snow, Wonder Woman, Superman, "Freddy Sez" (Yankee fans know who I speak of), and Mugatu. Adding to the great times was the big Yankees win in Game 3 of the World Series, as the Yanks beat up on Cole Hamels, who has since given up on this season. A-Rod's homer off of the camera in right field sparked the rally, and Andy Pettitte pitched wonderfully after settling down following a rocky 2nd inning. Good times!

Sunday brought us another day of sports-related stress, though we were not faced with the obstacle of watching 2 games at one time on this occasion. But first, a random thought on a popular food:

While watching a Taco Bell commercial, I began to ponder the assembly of your basic, everyday taco, and I decided that the usual formula for success in taco construction is inherently flawed. When you are presented with a typical hard-shell taco, the layers of taco ingredients are as follows, from the bottom of the shell up: meat, sauce/salsa, lettuce, tomato, cheese. The problem here is that when you take a bite, you are not able to sample each and every flavor. You're either biting near the bottom, in which case you are tasting mostly meat and some sauce, or you're biting near the top, in which case you are tasting mostly vegetables and cheese. It's a problem that I think needs to have some attention brought to it. When you bite into a taco, you want all of flavors together, combining to form an orchestra of taco-deliciousness performing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 in your mouth. Alas, this does not happen. And so I propose 2 solutions:

1) Always stick with the soft tacos, either at Taco Bell, or whatever other taco establishment/kitchen you are receiving your taco treat from. It's make-up is more predisposed to having all of the flavors combine into one bite due to it's soft, rolled nature.

2) Taco ingredients need to be mixed before being deposited into the hard shell. If you take the meat, sauce, cheese, lettuce and tomato, put them into a bowl and mix them up, and then place them into the shell, you will have made a taco that provides excitement, joy, and most of all, every flavor in each bite you take. It's an added, effortless step that will make the taco-eating experience that much more enjoyable.

Now back to our stressful Sunday, and we begin with the Giants. They are pathetic. They are an embarrassment. Words cannot describe how frustrating it was to watch them against the hated Eagles. We'll start with the offense. Eli is starting to look like the Eli of old. He missed some wide-open throws, and on the throws he did get to his receivers, he was hanging them out to dry so they could get killed (see: Boss, Kevin). Plus, he seems to feel the need to call an audible on every play, sometimes doing so with only 3 or 4 seconds left on the play clock, at which time everyone is panicking and no one knows what they're doing. It's sloppy, at best. I also think we need a new offensive coordinator. Kevin Gilbride is too stubborn. We call the same 6 plays all of the time, and when it was obvious that Brandon Jacobs was running tough and we needed to keep feeding him the ball, we kept to the air anyway, leading to 3-and-outs and some terrible interceptions. It's atrocious football.

As for the defense, they're not much better. Our vaunted defensive line can't put any pressure on the passer by themselves, but our defensive coordinator, Bill Sheridan, refuses to blitz. So because we don't get any pressure, our defensive backs have to cover the receivers forever, which always ends badly. Actually, it's going to end badly anyway, because we still have C.C. Brown on our team. HE SUCKS. He is the worst safety I have ever seen in coverage, hands down. He couldn't cover my little sister at this point. The loss of Kenny Phillips for the year is proving to be even more difficult to overcome than losing Osi Umenyiora was last year. At least last year we had a competent defensive coordinator who knew how to get to the quarterback. Sheridan is looking more and more like a mistake as we go along in this season. Right now, I find it difficult to say we'll make the playoffs. We started 5-0, and we may not go to the playoffs. Unbelievable. Oh yeah, Lawrence Tynes missed another kick.

**Steve stabs himself in the eye and dies. The rest of this blog was typed by him post-mortem**

Luckily for us, we had White Mana and the Yankees to assuage our pain on Sunday. I'll get a little deeper into the glory that is White Mana at a later time, but let me just say here that it is phenomenally delicious. The burgers are perhaps as close to perfection as you can get. (drooling...) Oof! Anyway, on to the Yankees. C.C. was going on short rest against Joe Blanton, so you would have expected them to win Game 4, which of course they did, albeit in dramatic fashion. They had a 4-3 lead in the bottom of the 8th, and Joba was in, looking like the Joba we all know and love. He had his explosive fastball and his unfair slider, and easily got through the first two batters. But then he grooved a fastball and Pedro Feliz took him out of the yard to tie the game at 4. Hopefully that homer doesn't get to him because he looked really good, and we're going to need him going forward in this series. Then in the top of the 9th, the all-to-familiar script of Brad Lidge blowing the game was re-hashed, with Johnny Damon beginning the dramatic reading. His double steal with 2 outs to get to third is the kind of play that will go down in Yankees history should they win the Series. His presence on 3rd made Lidge go away from his slider for fear of putting it in the dirt, so fastball after fastball was delivered, with A-Rod and Jorge duly obliging him with base hits to give the Yanks the lead that Mo would secure in the bottom of the 9th. The Yanks had a 3-1 Series lead, and the day was redeemed!

Now on to my thoughts about something that happened Monday night - a first for the Monday Morning Brain Fart! Mainly because it's supposed to go up in the morning... on Monday..... I suck. Anyway, the Phillies were able to get one game back in the Series and send it to Game 6 at Yankee Stadium tomorrow night, thanks is large part to the dubious pitching performances of AJ Burnett and Phil Coke. Burnett blew up in the worst way possible, but afterwards, David Robertson and Alfredo Aceves did a good job of keeping the Phils off the board and the Yankees in the game. Then in came Phil Coke, who promptly gave up 2 home runs to Chase Utley (who needs to stop owning the Yankees so they stop showing his repulsive hair) and Raul Ibanez to make it 8-2 Phillies. Of course the Yankees then figured out Cliff Lee and put some runs on the board, but it was too little too late once Derek Jeter grounded into the double play with 1st and 3rd and no outs in the top of the 9th. Damn you Phil Coke!

Ugh. Another week of work. But at least it's almost Wednesday...