New Jersey is Clean, Idiots.: Champions League Final Live Blog!

Ever since I studied abroad in London during the Fall of '04, I have been in love with the beautiful game (soccer, for those unfamiliar with the term). I actually became a diehard Queens Park Rangers fan while there, but I never get to see them here in America because they play in England's second division, which is never on TV. Hopefully we can be promoted to the Premier League next year, but that'll never happen if those idiots who are running the club continue to go through 5 managers a year. Nevertheless, come on you R's!

As for this live blog of the Champions League final between Manchester United and Barcelona I claim to be posting here, what I really mean is that I typed notes in Stickies on my Mac during the game, and I'm copy and pasting them here for all 3 of my readers to peruse, with minor changes of course so this entry doesn't totally suck. So without further ado... a really lame attempt at humor!

1ST HALF

We throw it out to the Scottish Wordsmith Derek Rae and everyone's favorite real-life leprechaun, Tommy Smyth.

Barcelona coach Josep Guardiola looks like he's getting ready for a GQ shoot. He's got the requisite 5 o'clock shadow and the black suit with a white shirt and skinny black tie. Hot damn, that is one good-looking man.

Derek Rae just said that this is "a final to make hearts soar!" I would love to hear Al Michaels say "it's a final to make hearts soar!" before the Super Bowl and not have Cris Collinsworth (it's been real John) smack the crap out of him.

Cristiano Ronaldo, or as he is known here in America, The Man Single-Handedly Keeping the Prostitution Industry Alive on the West Coast, has looked dominant and had 3 or 4 good chances. Unfortunately for Man U, he hasn't converted any of them into goals.

10th minute - Samuel Eto'o (why not throw in some more o's for good measure there?) takes Barca's first chance well and gives them a 1-0 lead. Now it looks like he's prepping his vein in his left elbow to shoot up some heroine (see below). Odd celebration.

Man U looks awful! Barca has been running and passing circles around them ever since they scored. Also, Ryan Giggs, Anderson, Wayne Rooney, and Michael Carrick have gone missing. I'm fairly confident their faces are turning up on milk cartons all around the Greater Manchester area right now.

2ND HALF

As we start the second half, I've come to realize that Barca defender Carles Puyol looks exactly like an extra-droopy cocker spaniel. I wonder if his wife scratches his head and tells him to heel when he gets home after a game.

48th minute - Edwin Van Der Sar just made a HUGE save on Thierry Henry, point blank. I'm thinking a second goal ends this game, as Man U looks like dog doodoo.

51st minute - Andres Iniesta just tripped over a tall blade of grass right outside the penalty box, only the ref thought that the tall blade of grass was a Man U defender's leg. Either that or Iniesta should be garnering some consideration for an Oscar. Personally, I'm leading towards the latter. And Xavi just rocked the post on the ensuing free kick! Man U is hanging by a thread here.

Park Ji-Sung is ruing the fact that he is as tall as a little person. If only he was of a normal human's height, he would have converted Rooney's beautiful cross there into a goal.

Barca players dive like the Beltway Sniper is in the crowd, picking them off one-by-one.

70th minute - An actual little person, Lionel Messi, just headed in a beautiful cross from Xavi, 2-0 Barca. GAME OVER.

72nd minute - Ronaldo was just stopped on a fairly easy stuff-in attempt to get Man U back in the game. His mind must be on the vacation he's planning with his bros to the Bunny Ranch this coming off-season.

Derek Rae is taking shots at the Celtics! He just said that the Finals start on ESPN on June 4, and that the only thing he knows is that "the Celtics can't win this year because they aren't going to be in it." Anytime a Scot who has no idea about basketball takes a shot at the basketball team from Boston is a good time in my book.

75th minute - Paul Scholes comes in for Giggs... Giggs was playing?

The Man U players are showing no mercy now, taking cheap shots at the Barca players every chance they get. Of course, the Barca players then hit the deck and writhe in pain like the Ebola virus is taking over their bodies, melting off their skin and causing them to bleed out of their eyes and ears.

87th minute - Dimitar Berbatov, left wide open, just headed a perfect corner over the bar, more or less summarizing Man U's night. Maybe he would have put that on goal if he stopped putting 10 gallons of grease in his hair to make sure it looks good at all times during the game.

And Barca wins. They deserved it. They outplayed Man U in every way during this game. Time for the ridiculous confetti shower. Uh oh. The fans are lighting flares in the stands. I assume this is merely a prelude to the Man U fans stabbing any and all Spaniards they can find outside the stadium with broken beer bottles. Hopefully the ERs in Rome are staffed properly tonight, and the jails have sufficient empty space.