J-E-A-L-O-U-S

Thursday night was a huge night in sports. Cavs-Magic Game 5 with Lebron's playoff life at stake, you say? Hahahaha, how wrong you are! It's the annual gathering of America's smartest Asians and Indians who will never get laid: the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee! 

Allow me to set the scene: Tom Bergeron, who I'm pretty sure wouldn't turn down a roll in the next Air Bud movie, is your humble host. Sidharth and Kavya, the "favorites," are predictably sitting in the back corner looking incredibly awkward. The token white boy, Tim (the Spelling Bee is the only event where you can apply the "token" description to the white kid, and Cordes immediately coined him the Great White Hope), has his khaki's pulled up under his armpits and crosses his legs when he sits. And all the parents are sitting stage-left, rooting on their little prodigies; Momma needs a new set of encyclopedias!

Now, you may think that I love making fun of these kids, based on my comments above. But the truth is that I'm only making fun of them to make me feel good about myself. I am jealous of these kids. I want to be these kids. I love the Spelling Bee. I want Dr. Jacques Bailly giving me the etymology of a word. I want Erin Andrews interviewing me after I triumphantly return to my seat after a correctly-spelled word (how lucky are these kids?!). I want to be 13 years old with a killer mustache, like our man Sidharth. These kids don't know how good they have it. I hate that I only knew 2 of the words (tagliatelle and neufchatel, fyi), and they're 13 and know the whole dictionary.

Megan, Cordes and I immediately jumped on the Kyle Mou (photo above) bandwagon as he tore through words like they were no big thang. He was the silent assassin. The spellers were droppin' like flies, running into their mommy's arms and balling their eyes out while our man Kyle stood strong, even though he is only 3'5". He finally succumbed to the word schizaffin, and before long Kavya, one of the "favorites," won the championship by spelling Laodicean after the Great White Hope had finally gotten one wrong. The tears of glory began flowing for Kavya, but here at home, there were different tears. They were tears of sadness, and they were coming from my eyes because it wasn't me there, celebrating my sweet new encyclopedias.

Champions League Final Live Blog!

Ever since I studied abroad in London during the Fall of '04, I have been in love with the beautiful game (soccer, for those unfamiliar with the term). I actually became a diehard Queens Park Rangers fan while there, but I never get to see them here in America because they play in England's second division, which is never on TV. Hopefully we can be promoted to the Premier League next year, but that'll never happen if those idiots who are running the club continue to go through 5 managers a year. Nevertheless, come on you R's!

As for this live blog of the Champions League final between Manchester United and Barcelona I claim to be posting here, what I really mean is that I typed notes in Stickies on my Mac during the game, and I'm copy and pasting them here for all 3 of my readers to peruse, with minor changes of course so this entry doesn't totally suck. So without further ado... a really lame attempt at humor!

1ST HALF

We throw it out to the Scottish Wordsmith Derek Rae and everyone's favorite real-life leprechaun, Tommy Smyth.

Barcelona coach Josep Guardiola looks like he's getting ready for a GQ shoot. He's got the requisite 5 o'clock shadow and the black suit with a white shirt and skinny black tie. Hot damn, that is one good-looking man.

Derek Rae just said that this is "a final to make hearts soar!" I would love to hear Al Michaels say "it's a final to make hearts soar!" before the Super Bowl and not have Cris Collinsworth (it's been real John) smack the crap out of him.

Cristiano Ronaldo, or as he is known here in America, The Man Single-Handedly Keeping the Prostitution Industry Alive on the West Coast, has looked dominant and had 3 or 4 good chances. Unfortunately for Man U, he hasn't converted any of them into goals.

10th minute - Samuel Eto'o (why not throw in some more o's for good measure there?) takes Barca's first chance well and gives them a 1-0 lead. Now it looks like he's prepping his vein in his left elbow to shoot up some heroine (see below). Odd celebration.



Man U looks awful! Barca has been running and passing circles around them ever since they scored. Also, Ryan Giggs, Anderson, Wayne Rooney, and Michael Carrick have gone missing. I'm fairly confident their faces are turning up on milk cartons all around the Greater Manchester area right now.

2ND HALF

As we start the second half, I've come to realize that Barca defender Carles Puyol looks exactly like an extra-droopy cocker spaniel. I wonder if his wife scratches his head and tells him to heel when he gets home after a game.



48th minute - Edwin Van Der Sar just made a HUGE save on Thierry Henry, point blank. I'm thinking a second goal ends this game, as Man U looks like dog doodoo.

51st minute - Andres Iniesta just tripped over a tall blade of grass right outside the penalty box, only the ref thought that the tall blade of grass was a Man U defender's leg. Either that or Iniesta should be garnering some consideration for an Oscar. Personally, I'm leading towards the latter. And Xavi just rocked the post on the ensuing free kick! Man U is hanging by a thread here.

Park Ji-Sung is ruing the fact that he is as tall as a little person. If only he was of a normal human's height, he would have converted Rooney's beautiful cross there into a goal.

Barca players dive like the Beltway Sniper is in the crowd, picking them off one-by-one.



70th minute - An actual little person, Lionel Messi, just headed in a beautiful cross from Xavi, 2-0 Barca. GAME OVER.

72nd minute - Ronaldo was just stopped on a fairly easy stuff-in attempt to get Man U back in the game. His mind must be on the vacation he's planning with his bros to the Bunny Ranch this coming off-season.

Derek Rae is taking shots at the Celtics! He just said that the Finals start on ESPN on June 4, and that the only thing he knows is that "the Celtics can't win this year because they aren't going to be in it." Anytime a Scot who has no idea about basketball takes a shot at the basketball team from Boston is a good time in my book.

75th minute - Paul Scholes comes in for Giggs... Giggs was playing?

The Man U players are showing no mercy now, taking cheap shots at the Barca players every chance they get. Of course, the Barca players then hit the deck and writhe in pain like the Ebola virus is taking over their bodies, melting off their skin and causing them to bleed out of their eyes and ears.

87th minute - Dimitar Berbatov, left wide open, just headed a perfect corner over the bar, more or less summarizing Man U's night.  Maybe he would have put that on goal if he stopped putting 10 gallons of grease in his hair to make sure it looks good at all times during the game.

And Barca wins. They deserved it. They outplayed Man U in every way during this game. Time for the ridiculous confetti shower. Uh oh. The fans are lighting flares in the stands. I assume this is merely a prelude to the Man U fans stabbing any and all Spaniards they can find outside the stadium with broken beer bottles. Hopefully the ERs in Rome are staffed properly tonight, and the jails have sufficient empty space.



Samuel Eto'ooo'oo'o's vein is ready to go, finally. Get the heroine out Barcelona, you're the champions of Europe!

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 1

It's Not Pennsylvania

Let's face it. There are few worse places you could imagine being than Pennsylvania, or as I like to refer to it as, Pennsyltucky. I'm around quite a significant amount of people right now, and I'm going to take a quick poll. Feel free to join in as well.

Who here wants to live in Pennsylvania?

(crickets, and of course, no hands)

Who here wants to live in New Jersey?

(massive celebration ensues, people are making-out all over the place! I count roughly 87 hands, but the hysteria makes it a bit difficult to be accurate. And yes, I'm that popular that there are roughly 87 people around me at all times)

So as you can see by my highly scientific poll, EVERYONE would rather live in New Jersey over Pennsylvania. Yeah I know, not a shocker.

But let's be fair to the fine (?) people of Pennsyltucky. Let's see what they have to offer us, and whether or not it can actually match up to what New Jersey has to offer:

2 major cities, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia:

Hooray for PA! They have 2 major cities! Oh right, they both SUCK. We'll begin with Pittsburgh. First off, unless you travel to some far-out suburb, everything in Pittsburgh closes at 11:00 PM. "So only the restaurants and shops close at 11:00 PM?" you may ask me. And I will answer, "No, EVERYTHING closes at 11:00 PM!" Do you want to grab a beer downtown after 11:00 PM after a hard day's work? Too bad! You can't. You want to get some grub after 11:00 PM because you missed dinner due to extenuating circumstances? Too bad. You can't. Also, Pittsburgh's official beer is Iron City. Yeah, that sucks too. The only good thing about Pittsburgh is the sandwiches from Primanti Bros. that have french fries all over them. Sounds like awesome drunk food right? Well, only if you're 3 sheets to the wind by 10:30. Idiots. You want to party all night long, perhaps until the break of dawn? Come on over to Jersey.

And Philly. Ooooo Philly. I feel like I only need to say three things about Philly to make my point. 1) It was the original capital of the United States, only it was so awful, they moved it to Washington, DC, which isn't exactly a mecca of awesomeness. 2) My girlfriend, whose family is from Philly, made me a custom t-shirt that reads, "Philadelphia Eats Asshole." 'Nuff said. 3) Philly sports fans are the worst in the world, even worse than those obnoxious idiots up in Boston. I hated Michael Irvin just as much as the next guy, but booing the dude as he lay on the turf, potentially paralyzed? Real high class. And BOOING SANTA CLAUSE!???! IT'S SANTA CLAUSE!!! Santa, come on over to Jersey if you want some love, there's plenty to go around. But people of Philadelphia, please do not come to Jersey. Ever. You've already ruined Camden, a once bustling metropolis that has slowly decayed into Philadelphia, Jr. thanks to you guys.

Cheesesteaks:

I've had better Cheesesteaks at the Jersey Shore. And everywhere else in Jersey. Get over yourselves.

PA's State Animal, the White-Tailed Deer:

Oh, do you mean the animal that thinks it's smart to jump in front of cars, cause accidents, and kill people? Hmmmm. New Jersey's state animal is the horse. That's right, a beautiful, graceful creature that chooses not to kill people, only to live peacefully and in harmony with man.

... and that's it. There's nothing else. New Jersey is better in every way than Pennsylvania. All of the roughly 87 people around me agree. They're STILL making-out in celebration.

I heart New Jersey

Welcome to my blog. I'm from New Jersey, and it is awesome. Those of you who say it is "dirty" because you've only seen the Turnpike between exits 12 and 16 are not smart. 95% of it is awesome, which is a lot more than you can say for most states. That is a fact. I didn't make up that number.

As for what this blog is going to be about, I'll say that anything goes. I'm just going to let you know what I'm thinking, though I will warn you now that mostly what I think about is sports.

I'm also going to do a periodic segment entitled, "Why New Jersey is Awesome." In that entry, I will give you a reason as to why New Jersey is awesome, plain and simple. These entries will be posted frequently, and I will never run out of reasons. Why will I never run out? Because New Jersey is awesome, that's why.

So that'll be what's goin' down in this hood. Feel free to comment, especially if you think I'm an idiot, which most people do.

And now onto my first rant!

I WANT BRETT FAVRE TO GO AWAY MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD.

He is by far the most annoying figure in sports today, which is saying a lot considering Jose Canseco is still alive. Every year he retires, then every year he drags us through the mud of his inner-struggle to find out if he still has what it takes to compete at the highest level. Hey Brett, I know the answer: YOU DON'T. I am a Giants fan, but one of my roommates, Rory, is a Jets fan (yeah I know, but he had no choice. Blame his dad). I saw firsthand how Brett Favre ruined the Jets season last year because he makes awful decisions and no longer has his once-ballyhooed arm strength. Feel free to commend me on my use of the word ballyhooed. The Jets may have been better off with Brett-freakin'-Ratliff as their QB last year, or as Cordes and I lovingly referred to him as, "QB of the future Brett Ratliff." He may still be the QB of the future, only now in Cleveland due to the MangIDIOT needing him because Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are scrubs. Yeah, you heard me Brady. You endorse a "workout enhancer" that Matt Hasselbeck endorses. That means the only thing it's been proven to do is make you go bald in your twenties.

Anyway, back to Bert Favoree. The Vikings are better off without you. They have Sage Rosenfels now to make your dumb decisions and blow 14-point leads to the Colts within the span of 2 minutes. Or they have Tarvaris Jackson, who may or may not be the next coming of Quincy Carter. Either way, you should be thrown into a retirement home down in Mississippi so ESPN and Peter King can stop telling us about every time you agonize over whether or not to take a crap in a public toilet. Just put a couple layers of paper down on the seat and get it over with, please.