As the title of this post says folks, the long national nightmare of you all having to sit around your fireplaces with bated breathe waiting for me to post something, anything... it is over. And if you didn't have a fireplace to sit by, you were most likely sitting in your bathtub, surrounded by bubbles and engulfed in urine-temperature water, hoping - nay, praying that I posted so that you didn't have to drop the toaster in and end it all. Well sir or ma'am, you can unplug that toaster and get out, because the Brain Fart is back. Wrap yourself in a towel of comfort and safety and enjoy.Mario Kart for Nintendo 64 is classic. I have both the N64 version and the Wii version, and clearly the Wii version has better graphics and such, but when it comes time for my friends and I to play, we throw on the N64 version. It's too much fun, and it never gets old. That would be all I have to say about that.
Memorial Day we had our annual Beer Golf Tournament, where we form teams of 4, and walk around to 9 different bars in Jersey City and try to shoot the lowest score. It is a perfect tradition, one that I hope we will carry on for many years to come. To score, you have to have a beer for par, 2 beers for birdie, a beer and a shot for eagle, and 2 shots for an ace. It's like a stimulus package for whatever town you live in, especially when you have a group of 30 or so like us, because you end up spending a ton of money as a group. I suggest you try it in whatever town you live in, though if you're lucky and awesome, you like in Jersey City and would just be competing with us. A couple of moments that I remember now that we are 2 months removed: At the Lamp Post Bar in the JC, there is some fat chick with short dark hair who bartends. Suffice it to say she sucked at her job. So we were glad to leave her, but by time we made it to O'Hara's Downtown, she had made it there too because she bartends there as well. It was like the worlds worst and bitchiest bartender was following us around. Another bar we went to was the Golden Cicada, a little hole-in-the-wall dive that is literally a brick box with no windows. It's run (allegedly) by the Chinese mafia (remember, Kobe "allegedly" raped a girl too), and they have this disgusting Chinese Moonshine that tastes like sadness and regret on its way down your throat. It is flat out awful, and they know it too since they don't charge you for the shot and say "Good luck" when they give it to you. It was so bad I tried to puke, and when I couldn't, I stuck my head in a garbage can with someone else's puke so that I would get sick and puke. No such luck. I don't recommend it. Lastly, we iced bros HARD. I'm sure you all know the bros icing bros phenomenon that has taken ahold of this country, and we took it to the extreme, icing each other at every turn. Need it.
The NHL and NBA Finals were pretty tough for me, seeing as both involved teams from Philly and The Nation. Vomit. In the NBA it was the Lakers and Celtics, and seeing as I can't stand Kobe Bryant, it was tough for me to have to root for him seeing as he is a huge douchebag, but I had to. In the NHL, it was Chicago vs. Philly, and we all know how much I despise the city of Filthadelphia, so I rooted for Chicago, which wasn't terrible because I have nothing against that city. Thankfully, both the Lakers and the Blackhawks won, so I didn't have to listen to the two most obnoxious fanbases in history go on and on about how awesome they are, blah blah blah. Maybe next year shitheads! The funniest part for me about the NBA Finals as well was when they were interviewing Ron Artest afterwards, and he thanked his psychiatrist. The NBA. Where Clinically Insane Happens.
The new (though I guess they're not new anymore) State Farm commercials are terrible because of one reason, and one reason only: their spokesman is a douchy tool. You know the guy, half white-half asian dude with the neck length black hair, preaching about how all your neighbors will tell you to go with State Farm. Well he sucks, not only because he sounds annoying, but because he always interrupts the actual State Farm agents who are trying to say shit. So now between him and that annoying bitch from the Progressive commercials, 2 of the most irritating people on television are in insurance commercials. Thankfully, esteemed gentlemen like David Palmer still exist to tell us about All State insurance. Not only is he well-spoken and handsome, but he was the greatest President in this country's history, and I will NEVER forgive that cockbag President Logan for putting out the hit on him and having him killed. President Palmer, your country misses you each and every day. It is an honor and a pleasure getting to see you every once in awhile telling me about All State insurance. Am I in good hands? No actually, I have Progressive, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. DAVID PALMER FO EVA.
My lovely beau made a lovely discovery a few weeks back that I wanted to share with ya'll, and that is a lovely little food spot in the lovely city that is Jersey City. It's called the Kitchen Cafe, and it's at 67 Greene St., right across from those 2 huge green/blueish towers in the Paulus Hook section of the JC. It's a non-descript little shack, and you pretty much have to know it's there, because the words "Kitchen Cafe" and smudged out pretty good on the small white awning. You walk in, and to the left there are a couple crappy little tables and booths, while right in the front of you is the grill with 2 gentlemen of Latin American descent waiting to serve your every culinary need. They do 2 things: Burgers and Burritos. That's it. There is an entire menu of chicken stuff, beef stuff, vegetarian stuff (but who the hell would eat that shit right??), etc., and you just pick what you want and ask for it as a burger or burrito. It is absolutely, flat-out, unequivocally, stupendously, DELICIOUS. The burgers are just perfect, and the burritos are some of the more flavorful Mexican fare I have ever sampled. Do you yourself a favor and head on over to the Kitchen Cafe and treat yourself, and tell them Jersey is Clean, Idiots sent you. Here's their website.
Recently, the New Jersey Beer Company opened its doors to beer aficionados like myself. Now clearly, with the name like that, the beer HAS to be amazing. Really anything with the words "New" and "Jersey" together in it, in that particular order, is incredible. But anyway, at the moment, they are on tap at 3 places in the JC, Star Bar, LITM, and the Iron Monkey, as well as a plethora of other fine imbibing establishments around this great state. They also currently are producing 3 beers, the Hudson Pale Ale, the Garden State Stout, and the 1787 Abbey Single. I haven't had the pleasure of sampling the pale ale, but the stout is very good, ranking right up there with some of the finer stouts this country has produced, and the 1787 (which commemorates the most important year in this country's history - the year New Jersey became a state), is truly a unique brew that seems to blend a hoppy ale with a traditional wheat beer. I'm not really sure if my description is accurate, but either way, it's pretty damn good. Do yourself a favor and swing on over to your New Jersey Beer Company-endowed watering hole and check them out. Here's their website for more info.
A couple of weeks ago I went away on business to the great city of Chicago, IL, one of my favorite cities in this great country of ours. A few observations from my trip:
- They don't call in the Windy City for nothing. Holy shit, I was literally being blown all over the place, and I'm fat. I can't imagine being skinny and having the wind take me out to Lake Michigan, only to be eaten by sharks. Yes, there are sharks in Lake Michigan. Be careful.
- The drive from O'Hare Airport to downtown Chicago (and vice versa) on I-90 is absolutely MISERABLE. I have rarely encountered driving on such a slow moving road (keep in mind I live in New Jersey, where traffic isn't exactly what you'd call free flowing). It takes for-fucking-ever to get back and forth on that road. I left downtown 2 and a half hours before my flight home, and I didn't get to the airport until 5 minutes before boarding, so yes, I was the douche sprinting through the airport, knocking over babies and senior citizens, trying to make my plane.
- The cab drivers there are INSANE. It's like pure anarchy on the roads. I thought there were no rules in the JC (and there aren't), but the cab drivers of Chicago take it to a hole new, ridiculous level.
- Chicago is filled with many fine drinking establishments, and one of the better ones is this placed called Piece, which does 2 things, and does them extremely well: Pizza and beer. That's it. They make authentic New Haven-style pizza, which is some of the best pizza I've ever had in my life, and brew some absolutely phenomenal beers, most of which are fantastic. If you live in the Chicagoland area and haven't checked out Piece, I highly suggest you do so. Website!
I'm sure you've seen the commercials for a product called the Powermat, which supposedly provides wireless charging to your mobile devices, such as the iPhone. Basically you stick their charging thingy on the back of your device, then you just have to lay the device on the mat, and it charges. BUT THAT'S NOT FUCKING WIRELESS, BECAUSE WHEN YOU TAKE IT OFF THE MAT, IT STOPS CHARGING. WIRELESS CHARGING WOULD BE IF YOUR DEVICE CHARGED WHILE BEING IN A CERTAIN AREA, OR JUST CHARGED ANYWHERE YOU WERE ON A WI-FI NETWORK. As it stands with my iPhone, to charge it I plug it in and leave it on my nightstand. With the Powermat, I would put it on the mat to charge, AND LEAVE IT ON MY NIGHTSTAND. WHAT IS THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE?!!? You're stupid if you buy the Powermat. Really stupid.
As you all know, I am a HUGE fan of the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee, aired every year on ABC in primetime. It is the gold standard in athletic competition amongst children of both genders under the age of 13, and every year it just keeps getting better and better. The best part remains that Erin Andrews is the backstage reporter for the event, so you just know that many a young boy at the bee is getting his first bonor while she interviews them. Dr. Bailey, the guy who does the word pronunciation and more or less emcee's the event, is a God. He has a perfect voice, is the perfect persona for the event as prestigious as this one... he is simply The Man. What sucked was that the announcers on ABC for the show kept talking over him. HEY DOUCHEBAGS, SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME ENJOY THE SWEET, DULCET TONES OF DR. BAILEY. I GET TO WATCH THIS ONCE A YEAR. DON'T FUCKING RUIN IT FOR ME!!!! We then discovered that they invited a freakin' Canuck to the event, but thank God she was defeated by our usual array of Indian and Chinese children. At least they live in our great land.
Stephen Strasburg, as you know, is the most hyped pitcher to come into the league in a long time, and trust me when I say this (even though I'm sure you already know), he is absolutely one of the nastiest pitchers I have ever seen in my life. He's making some of the best hitters in baseball look like flailing kindergartners up at the plate. I am so excited for him to come and pitch against the Mets because A) he will absolutely embarrass them seeing as they suck enough already, and B) I get to go see him. He is insanely awesome. He is the New Jersey of Major League pitchers.
Let me pose this query to you, because I sure as hell don't know the answer: How long is Dippin' Dots going to be the ice cream of the future?!?!? For as long as I can remember, dating back to the days when I was but a wee little lad, I've been walking by Dippin' Dots stands and seeing that it is the ice cream of the future. Well Dippin' Dots, guess what - IT'S THE FUTURE NOW! AND YOU'RE NOT THE ICE CREAM STANDARD!!! BITCHES. When you buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's (to not only enjoy great tasting ice cream but to support those damn Dems), what does it look like when you open the lid? ACTUAL ICE CREAM, NOT THOSE FUCKING LITTLE DOTS! Dippin' Dots has been lying to us our entire lives, and they continue to do so to children everywhere. Kids, if you're reading this, don't believe what Dippin' Dots is telling you! They're selling you a bag of lies that if you let get to you will leave you sulking in a corner wondering what could have been as you stare down at your half gallon carton of Breyer's ice cream. For shame Dippin' Dots. For shame.
You know the guy on the highway that flies buy you even though you're going 85 MPH? Well I have a new term for that guy: The Fishing Line. He is The Fishing Line because you cast him out to catch all of the cops in front of you, more or less freeing you up to drive whatever speed you'd like and as recklessly as you like. Want to drive 115 MPH? GO FOR IT! As long as there is The Fishing Line in front of you, the road is yours. Want to tailgate a smaller car, then pass him on the right at 90, then cut off a tractor trailer and slam on your brakes so that he has to go nuts and swerve into the next lane, smashing into a Toyota Prius in the process? HAVE A BALL! As long as The Fishing Line is flying up ahead of you making sure that the cops are preoccupied with him, do whatever the hell you want! God save The Fishing Line.
I'd like to take a moment to salute a few gentlemen who are promoting a worthy cause, one that New Jersey is Clean, Idiots is more than happy to get behind. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Jersey Doesn't Stink. It's a website devoted to fighting the good fight and turning back all of the criticism that our wonderful state gets from outsiders who just don't get how amazing this state really is. So I suggest you sign up on their site and get behind a just and righteous cause. It'll make you feel all warm and tingly on the inside, even more warm and tingly than those little boys at the Spelling Bee do when Erin Andrews is rubbing up against them interviewing them in the tight backstage area.
I am a man. I drive a Ford Focus. And I'm not afraid to admit that the Ford Focus is mostly a chicks car, and that seeing a dude behind the wheel of a Foc is rarer than venturing through Texas and getting a great photograph of La Chupacabra. But there are some self-respecting males out there such as myself who drive this mythical chick-mobile. Now, when motorcyclists pass each other, what do they typically do? They salute each other, or wave, or do whatever macho handshake they have come up with. In that same light, I am proposing this: The Focus Salute. Are you a man who drives a Focus who passes another man driving a Focus on the highway? Salute him! We are a rare breed who need to stick together, so what better way to show our brotherhood than to salute each other as we dominate the roads. Why did I pick your standard salute as this sign of kinship? Because this is America, and Fords are made in America, so what better way to celebrate our minority status than to use one of the most recognizable signs of America. So the next time you're driving down 78 in Jersey in your Focus and you happen to see a mid-20s male in a red '08 Focus, salute me, because you sure as hell know I'm going to salute you!
A couple of weeks back I went to Wildwood, NJ for a little weekend at the shore with my lady. Now, let me all remind you that there is no greater shore on this planet than the shores of the Jersey shore. That goes without saying. However, Wildwood isn't exactly keeping up with the great standard of excellence that such places as Avalon, Belmar, Seaside Heights, and Stone Harbor are maintaining. First of all, let's just say that it's not difficult to find out why many refer to Wildwood by the nickname "Childwood." You could get arrested for statutory rape just by looking at the some of the girls there. Lugo - Stay away. Second, the boardwalk feels like it could fall out from under you literally at any moment. Granted, that could be a good thing seeing as if you fell through and broke your leg into 16 pieces, at least you could sue the town and get rich, but it would hurt a helluva lot. Childwood, clean up your act please. You're dragging us down here.
As a proud alum of the greatest college on the planet, Ithaca College, there are many things about Ithaca that I enjoy and miss tremendously. I miss Moonshadows, though I can never go back there because they have bastardized the shit out of it. It will have to live on in my memories. I miss the Chapter House. I miss Collegetown Bagels. I miss Shortstop subs, the greatest subs on the entire planet. I also miss Wegmen's subs. Yes, Wegmen's is in a lot of places other than Ithaca, but it's nowhere near us here in the JC, so I identify Wegmen's with Ithaca. And believe me when I tell you this: Wegmen's subs are IMMACULATE. Aside from Shortstop, you will never eat a more delicious sub in your entire life. I get the 14 inch Buffalo Chicken Finger Sub with extra wing sauce, provolone, lettuce, and blue cheese. It's so good I cannot describe it with the written word. If you live near a Wegmen's, go get a sub from there right now. Literally. Stop what you're doing and go get one. You will thank me when you're done.
A couple of weekends ago was the New York Brewfest on Governor's Island. There were literally hundreds of breweries from all over the world at one spot, and you were given a 4 oz. sampling glass and the freedom to fill it with whatever beer you wanted, over and over and over again. Suffice it to say sobriety wasn't the word of the day, so it was a ton of fun. Ithaca Brewery was one of the companies there, which was extra cool. This was the first year I had gone to it, but apparently it happens once every year, so you can bet I'll be going again next year, and you should too. You'd also be smart to follow our lead and go to the Pancake Factory in the JC afterwards for breakfast for dinner, or as I like to call it, brinner. There is no better way to end an epic day of drinking than with a huge bacon, egg and cheese pancake wrap. Try to contain the tightening of your pants as I write this. You're most likely in a work environment, and bonors can be embarrassing.
I recently had the chance to watch June 17, 1994, one of ESPN's phenomenal 30 for 30 documentaries. The main reason that I watched it was because that was the day of the Ranger's parade down the Canyon of Heroes after we won the Stanley Cup in 1994, and seeing as the Rangers suck these days, I take any chance I can to relive the good ol' days. But that day also was Knicks-Rockets Game 6 in the NBA Finals, Arnold Palmer's last US Open round ever, the World Cup in the US kicked off in Chicago, and the OJ Simpson Ford Bronco chase happened in LA. It was a day of emotional ups and downs, filled with enough tra - ah, who the hell am I kidding? THE RANGERS WON THE CUP!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!! ONLY 36 YEARS MORE UNTIL OUR NEXT ONE!!!!! I hate Glen Sather. The documentary though was awesome. There were no talking heads, no narration - just archival footage with nat sound alone to tell the story for a whole hour. It 100% worked completely. Really compelling stuff. Check it out if you haven't already.
I love McSorley's, my favorite bar in the entire world, more than you can imagine. You need it more than you need air to breathe. Period. Nothing more needs to be said.
I finally saw Funny People, Judd Apatow's film starring Adam Sandler as a dying comedian and Seth Rogen as his assistant, for the first time a few weeks ago. I had heard mixed reviews for it. Some people thought it was hilarious, others thought it was too artsy for its own good. I have to say it was a little bit of both. Apatow does try to be a little too pretentious for his own good, but at the same time it was pretty hilarious. Actually, it was more or less one huge penis joke, which was great, because penis jokes are always funny, just like poop jokes. Penis and poop = hilarious 100% of the time. So if you like dick jokes, watch Funny People. If you want to see a funny movie, watch Funny People. If it angers you beyond belief when a director tries to be all artsy and shit so that hipsters love him, don't see it. Unless you're a hipster, in which case you'll love it.
Keeping with the movie review theme, the woman and I saw Toy Story 3 not too long ago, and it was just as good as the first 2. I love Pixar movies because they not only are really impressive looking but they're usually written well and are really funny. Toy Story 3 is no exception. Sure it was geared towards kids, as the first 2 were, but just like the first 2 there was enough adult humor that the kids wouldn't be able to figure out to keep us entertained. If you loved the first 2, go see this one. If you hated the first 2, THEN YOU ARE CLEARLY MISSING A SOUL.
My roommates and I recently got Tiger Woods 11 for the PS3. I've never been much of a golf game guy, seeing as I rented Tiger Woods '09 for the Wii a couple years back and it was terrible. But I have to say, this game is pretty awesome. We all got to create our own golfer, then make him better and take him on the PGA Tour. My guy looks like he had a bad chemical accident when he was a child, so he used to get made fun of a lot by his peers, but now he's on the PGA Tour, so he's showing those bullies what's up. The best part of the game is when you play as Tiger Woods, because when you tee off, you can either walk directly to your ball, or stray into the woods where Perkin's waitresses are waiting for you to give you a blow job and a reach around. It's funny because the PS3 controller vibrates when you're getting your asshole touched. So realistic!
So there's this show that I'm not sure anyone has really heard of, but it's pretty cool. You know, pretty standard drama stuff, a couple of compelling characters. It's well written. The acting is really good. You should totally check it out. Season 2 is coming up actually. Here's the trailer for it:
Oh, you've heard of Jersey Shore? Ridiculous! I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED FOR ONE OF THE WORST SHOWS ON TELEVISION TO COME BACK!!!! THIS THURSDAY BIOTCH!!!
Just like the Spelling Bee, I think you all know how much of a psycho I am about the July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan's on Coney Island. It is a yearly tradition of mine to completely ignore my friends and family and watch men and women both fat and skinny shove hot dogs down their throats as fast as possible, obviously in glorious High Definition television. I absolutely cannot get enough of it. Joey Chestnut, a representative of this great country, won the competition again for the 4th year in a row, though this year was a bit anticlimactic since Takeru Kobayashi didn't compete since he was in the midst of a labor impasse with Major League Eating. It was a shame really, that the former best hot dog eater in the world wasn't there to push the best hot dog eater in the world, because Chestnut underwhelmed in victory. It was victory nonetheless however, and it was righteous when he took a shot at Kobayashi afterwards when he said he wasn't a real man because he wasn't on the stage competing. This must have enraged Kobayashi because afterwards he rushed the stage and was arrested by the NYPD. Miscreant.
July 4th, as you know, is Independence Day here in America. It was the day when this great country of ours declared to the United Kingdom: "Kill yourselves!" And it's also the day when we celebrate with friends, family and fireworks, both in person and on TV shows that feature... foreign performers? That's right, it seems that most of our specials on TV are featuring performers who are not from this great country. The NYC Macy's fireworks celebration featured 3 performers: Justin Bieber (Canada), Enrique Iglesias (probably Mexico or Spanish or something), and LeAnn Rimes (finally an American!). Sure, those freeloaders made their fortunes in our country, but what the hell are they doing helping us celebrate our big day? Fine, whatever Macy's. Let's switch over to the Boston Pops, hosted by!!... Craig Ferguson? A Scottish guy? Hmmm. Well, there's always the Washington, D.C. celebration! Let's turn to that one, a celebration of our country's birth in the very capital of this great country. There is no place more American to celebrate America. Oh, who's that performing? It's Washington, D.C.! It's America! It's... Celine Dion!?!? Well, maybe the next person will be American. They have to be! Oh, here he comes! It's... Michael Buble?!?!? We invited two CANADIANS?!?!?! What the fuck.
I'm not Jewish. I am Roman Catholic. But I have to tell you, there are few better places to eat on this planet than Katz' Deli in New York City, which is a Jewish deli. The pastrami and corned beef is absolutely unmatched anywhere else. It's phenomenally delicious. They also make the world's most killer knishes, which for those of you who don't speak Yiddish is a fried pastry filled with potato. I cannot get enough of that place, though unfortunately, neither can the rest of New York City since it's always swamped, so you have to pick the right times to go there so you can actually get a table and get your food without having to wait for an hour. I usually always get a knish and a pastrami reuben, which is a little slice of heaven. You NEED it in the your life if it already isn't.
The Loobster's birthday is July 6th, and she had told me that she wanted to see Lady Gaga in concert. Well, it just so happened that not only was Gaga playing her first shows at Madison Square Garden on July 6th, 7th and 9th, but I also have a weird fascination with her. So I bought the tickets for her show on the 7th and we went to see the woman, the myth, the legend - Gaga. Let's just say 2 things: 1) She did not disappoint, and 2) the show is decidedly not children-friendly, much to the chagrin the the mothers who brought their little daughters to the show. The opening band was some freak show called Semi Precious Weapons that was actually a decent rock n' roll band, however, their lead singer was the scariest transvestite I have ever seen in my life. Then Gaga came on, and she put the tranny to shame. She played an entire set bleeding profusely from her neck. She played a video where some girl puked green all over her. She wore a metal bikini that spit flames out of her boobies and cha cha. She introduced her German dancer Michael who loves American woman, but loves American men more (as he made the universal mouth motion for a BJ directly to the camera). She "fought" a huge man-eating fish with tentacles, then let it take her clothes off and have sex with her. It was absurd. It was outrageous. It was... pretty awesome. Words really can't describe how insane it was, but I'm glad I saw it. I think.
LeBron James is a bitch. But you already knew that. His "Decision" show on ESPN shows just how much of an attention whore he really is. He isn't happy unless he is in the spotlight, and he used that spotlight to take a huge steaming shit all over the city of Cleveland (though luckily for the folks of Cleveland, they're used to being pooped on, so this was nothing new). Then not only did he leave Cleveland, but he left Cleveland so he could ride the coat tails of Dwyane Wade in Miami. It's like he was telling us, "I'm not good enough to win a championship on my own, so I'm just going to go to a team with a player who is better than me and let him carry me to a title so I can win and pretend I'm one of the game's greats." What a pussy. It's a shame that we're going to be robbed of seeing potentially one of the game's greats because he is so weak.
More on LeBron: My friends and I were discussing Derek Jeter, and how much of a gentlemen he is when it comes to the ladies on an email chain, when I decided to use the following metaphor to compare Mr. Jeter to LeBitch James:
"LeBron would have had one of his boys pick her up and bring her to his crib. He then would have banged her out in the most violent way possible, but made it juuuuuust gentle enough to keep her coming back for more. It would go on for hours, but when it came time to blow his load on her chest, he would quit on her. Quit on her at the moment she needed him most. He'd then lay there for a bit, contemplating his next move, before getting up and running out of the room because his two best friends organized a gang bang for the 3 of them with some rich slut. The girl in his bed would be emotionally destroyed by this, before cutting her wrists open and setting the bed on fire."
I thought that metaphor appropriate. You agree?
Even more on Lebron!: A couple of us were watching Space Jam the other day. There is a scene at the end when Michael Jordan makes a deal with the head alien that if the aliens win, MJ is sentenced to a life of servitude on some foreign planet, which will be absolutely miserable for him. But if the Looney Tunes win, all of Jordan's friends get their basketball powers back. It literally took .03 seconds for Jordan to make that deal with the alien, even though he was taking a huge risk with his life. I think this says it all about LeBron - as soon as Jordan took the bet, the first words out of my mouth were, "I guarantee LeBron doesn't take that bet." Yep. That says it all.
Taco Bell is awesome, delicious and nutritious. You know this. I know this. Everyone knows this. I always have a standard order of a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, a Nacho Cheese Chicken Chalupa, and a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. 99% of the time, that's what I get. But everyone once in a while, the Bell comes out with a new product that piques my interest, as well as that of the citizens of this great country. This time, it's the Bacon Club Chalupa. And hot damn is it delicious. It's so good in fact, that it's threatening to break into my regular rotation. Obviously, every thing is better when there is bacon on it, and this is no exception. It is delightful. Gallen de Robuchon was with me when I tried it for the first time, and he concurred with my thoughts, that it was a masterstroke in culinary technique and flavor. I suggest you heed the advice of Gallen de Robuchon and try one for yourself. You'll thank him.
We always say celebrities die in 3s, but in this case recently, it seems that Yankees greats die in 3s. First it was Bob Sheppard, or the 'Voice of God" as he is lovingly referred to, then came George Steinbrenner, the longtime owner of the Yankees, and then ex-manager Ralph Houk, who led the Yanks to back-to-back World Series titles in '61 and '62. May they all Rest in Peace. As far as The Boss goes, it is without question that he is the greatest owner in the history of sports. Sure, many people criticize him, and he was surely not a man without fault, but wouldn't you want your team to be owned by The Boss? This was a man who would spend and do literally whatever it took to deliver a winner to his team's fans, and did he ever deliver that winner. Under his watch, the Yankees won 11 pennants and 7 World Series titles. There will never be another owner quite like Mr. Steinbrenner. TIME TO PILE ON CLEVELAND SOME MORE!!! Steinbrenner actually had an agreement to purchase the Indians in 1971, but the Indians backed out of it and turned to someone else. As you know, The Boss then bough the Yankees in '73 and won 7 World Series titles. The Indians, and the city of Cleveland as a whole for that matter, haven't won a title since 1948. Eeeeeeeeee, ouch.
The ESPYs are ESPN's annual awards show for the year's best-in-sports moments and players, and it is usually fun to watch, if only to see how hot Erin Andrews looks in whatever skimpy dress she's wearing while she interviews players who cannot take their eyes off of her body. One of the awards they give out is play of the year. At the beginning of this baseball season, White Sox pitcher Mark Buerhle made one of the most insane plays I have ever seen, fielding a ground ball in foul territory by first base and flipping it backwards between his legs with his glove to the first baseman for the out. Absolutely incredible. A shoe-in for the best play of the year award... that is until they gave it to Brett Fucking Favre. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? The play they gave it to Favrah for was for when the Vikings beat the 49ers when Farvee threw it up to Greg Lewis at the last moment and Lewis made an unreal catch in the end zone to win it. Yes, it was a good play. What is better than Buerhle's? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's just further evidence on how badly ESPN likes to tongue Favre's balls just so he likes them and tells them stories before other networks about how he still can't decide if he's playing next year. Fuck him, and fuck ESPN. I wish he would just go away and have his leg horrifically mangled in a mowing accident.
Connecticut is literally the worst state in this entire country. Not only is it filled with some of the most ridiculously rich snobs I have ever met, but it has the worst traffic I have ever experienced in my entire life. Whenever I drive through it, it never fails to make me so miserable that I want to kill myself. Whether it's accidents or non-stop construction, it always delivers the goods when it comes to screwing you over and making sure that it takes 19 hours to drive through it. I hate it. More than anything else in this world, Ron. However, there are 2 good things about the state: 1) New Haven pizza, especially that which is found at Sally's, and 2) There are 2 casinos that allow me to gamble away my life as I please. Last Friday we went to Foxwoods for a group outing, and if you happened to be walking past the table games and saw 2 handsome gentlemen ON FIRE at the blackjack table, you most likely myself and my buddy Kevo. We couldn't have been hotter, it was totally awesome. I think if you saw us you actually would have seen flames shooting out of our asses (and not because of how gay we are). But as gambling luck would have it, we ended losing pretty much everything that we won. Oh well! It was fun while it lasted.
These days with movies like the Saw series, Hostel, and other torture porn horror flicks, directors seem to be one-upping each other in the gross department with every movie. Those movies have gradually gotten more and more disgusting, though none of it typically bothers me. Well that all changed with the latest stomach-churning cinematic masterpiece by Dutch "film"maker Tom Six, entitled The Human Centipede. It's pretty disgusting. I have only watched the trailer and one scene from the movie, and suffice it to say I wanted to vomit immediately upon seeing the particular scene from the movie that we watched. I don't want to blow it for you, but let's just say that this is the one case where poop isn't particularly funny. Behold the trailer:
You in the mood to do some reading on the topic. Check out The Human Centipede's Wikipedia page. It's fun!
I have a friend whose name is Lugo. He is Cuban, one of the many who was able to survive the harrowing trip on a floating door from Cuba to South Beach in a victorious attempt at escaping Communism. There are few better men that I know, and few more loyal people than you could ever be friends with. He as also taken quite a liking to the women in our country, and because of this, has become quite the midnight carouser if you know what I mean. He has also started a Twitter feed so that we all could know what's going through that crazy mind of his, and I suggest you follow it as well. WARNING: This Twitter feed is not for children, the faint of heart, feminists, or people who take themselves too seriously. Enjoy!
If you haven't already, you NEED to go see Inception. It was totally awesome. It literally had everything you could want in a summer blockbuster: Crazy effects, a well-written story, really good acting, explosions, Leonardo "Dreamboat" DiCaprio, Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You, more explosions, enough intrigue to keep you guessing... It automatically ranks as one of the best movies I have ever seen. Not the best, because we all know that the best is Jurassic Park, but it certainly is up there. Prior to me seeing it people had said that it was way too confusing, but I actually thought I was following it pretty good and understood the whole plot, that is until you leave the theater and start discussing it with your friends, and you realize that everyone has their own views on it. Totally, ridiculously awesome. You need it in your life.
It's been a while since I dedicated myself to one of this country's great pastimes: A VH1 Celeb-reality dating show. I was a loyal watcher of Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, and Daisy of Love, but recently I had fallen off the bandwagon, both because I've been too busy with other shows and because it had become more of the same, just with a different person looking for "love." Well, the time has come for my triumphant return to VH1 viewership, and that is because of the phenomenon that is Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. It is absolutely hilarious, one of the funniest shows I have ever watched on TV. Ocho himself is obviously quite the character, and listening to his interviews and narrations will absolutely get you rolling on the floor. Plus, and as you would expect, all of the women are huge bitches and crazy hoes, which always makes for an entertaining viewing experience. If you haven't checked it out I highly suggest you do, because you will rarely come across such a refined and humorous piece of television quite like this one.
Much like I do with beer, I consider myself one of the world's foremost authorities on bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches, particularly those that are placed on toasted poppy seed bagels. There are few things you could put in your mouth that are more delicious and flavorful than a good bacon, egg and cheese bagel sandwich. I've sampled them far and wide on this great planet, sampling some delicious ones while also running into the fairly poor efforts (which is amazing considering usually anything bacon is delicious). And because of my experience in enjoying this delicacy, I believe I can tell you in confidence that I know where you can find the greatest bacon, egg and cheese bagel sandwich in the world, and that would be at D. Zizza's Bakery and Deli in Florham Park, NJ. They freshly bake some of the finest bagels every morning, and make your sandwich to order, heaping on so much bacon that you almost don't know what to do with yourself. If you consider yourself an aficionado of the finer things in life, go to D. Zizza's to sample the world's greatest breakfast sandwich. You won't be disappointed.
Sometimes when the traffic is terrible in the JC (and it often is, especially around the Holland Tunnel), I take some back roads home that I learned by living for a couple years in the Heights. One of my special routes takes me up Newark Ave. by Journal Square, a section of town affectionately called "Little India," for reasons I believe you can ascertain on your own judging from the name. One of my favorite places to eat in the JC is there, called Rasoi, which has an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet on weekends that is phenomenal. It's a cool part of town, one that you're just as likely to see a butcher with a dead, bleeding goat hanging over his shoulder than you are a Honda Civic. But I was driving through the other day, and I noticed something that gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I think the area may be evil, may be plotting a takeover of the area, or maybe even the country, by any means necessary. Hmmmmm....
The Indians in the JC are NAZIS?!?!? HOLY CRAP!!! HOW DID WE NOT SEE THIS SOONER!!!! Gird your loins fellow JCers, they're coming...
Speaking of Indians, I've come to the conclusion that M. Night Shyamalan needs to be put down. Why does this guy keep getting paid to write, produce and direct movies when he hasn't made a single good one since 19 fucking 99?!?!?!? It baffles the mind how someone so awful at their job can keep getting paid for it. It's like him and Glen Sather have nude pictures of everyone in the world for blackmail, so they just keep getting paid to suck at life. Let's do a rundown of his films to see why exaclty he is still allowed to work:
The Sixth Sense - His only good movie. I think. I don't remember much of it since it was so long ago, but I think I remember it being good. Ok fine.
Unbreakable - Fell asleep during it. Probably because it sucked.
Signs - So shitty I've taken craps that looked scarier than those stupid aliens.
The Village - One of the worst movies I have ever seen. It makes Gigli look like Jurassic Park.
Lady in the Water - Never saw it because all his other movies had been terrible, but I heard this was shit too. I would imagine whatever Water this lady was coming out of probably looked like the Gulf of Mexico right now.
The Happening - So awful the actors in it declined to promote it. Even the trailer was terrible, which is a huge achievement in shittyness.
The Last Airbender - An established comic book character that people the world over love... that he managed to ruin. I never saw it, but it looked terrible and everyone says it's terrible, so it must be terrible.
M. Night - you suck. Stop directing films and work at a 7Eleven somewhere. Though you barely have enough talent to even handle that job.
I tell ya, it is a helluva time to be a supporter of the New York Red Bulls these days! Aside from their sweet new stadium and the fact that they're actually good this year, French legend Thierry Henry recently came on board. This will be great not only for the obvious marketing advantages but because he's still got it and will be able to score some goals for us, which has certainly been a struggle these days. It didn't take long for him to make his mark in his first game against England's Tottenham (which of course yours truly and the JCSC were representin') as he scored a really nice goal in the 23rd minute. Apparently we're also on the verge of signing Mexican national team captain Rafael Marquez, which I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, I would hate to have to root for him because I can't stand Mexico in soccer, but on the other hand, he'll team with Henry to make us exponentially better, so I guess we'll see. Speaking of people that I hate, our starting right midfielder Dane Richards, who I can't stand because he always sucks, played an incredible game against Manchester City over the weekend. Why can't he do that shit in the regular season, in games that count?! In real games, he constantly turns the ball over and shits the bed, but in these friendlies that don't mean shit, he plays out of his mind. Screw you Dane Richards!
2 things about the Giants, the first of which is hilarious: Last year, CC Brown was thrust into the starting safety roll when Kenny Phillips went down. I'm putting things lightly when I saw he was fucking atrocious, and was one of the main reasons why our defense got shit on consistently all season. I mean, the guy wouldn't have been able to cover me in the open field, and my own dad used to make fun of me by saying I ran like I have a piano on my back. He was PATHETIC. Obviously, the Giants let him go in the off-season, and he is currently struggling to make the Detroit Lions roster. No shocker there. You would think, however, that he would be humble and perhaps take some responsibility for how bad he was last year. WRONG. Obviously it was the media's fault! It was totally the media that got their shit owned by DeSean Jackson on a regular basis. It was definitely the media who missed tackle after tackle down in the box. And it was clearly the media that couldn't cover Tom Coughlin if he was running around in the secondary. Hey CC - shut the hell up. You suck.
The 2nd thing about the Giants I wanted to mention was that I absolutely LOVE the signing of Keith Bulluck to compete for the starting middle linebacker position. Yes, he blew out his knee last year, so his health is questionable. But if he's healthy, he is a big time leader, he is always around the ball making tackles and forcing fumbles, and he has 19 interceptions in his career, so clearly he can catch the ball when given the opportunity. And if he isn't healthy, then at the very least he teaches a few things to Jonathan Goff and Phillip Dillard. The contract is only for 1 year, so it isn't a big commitment just in case he isn't healthy. There is literally no downside to this deal. I can't get enough of it. Well done Jerry Reese, well done.
And finally, my thoughts on some little soccer tournament you may or may not have paid attention to, the World Cup. I won't bore you with my game analysis because clearly the World Cup ended a few weeks ago, so you've heard everything there is that needs to be said, both about the US' run and about the tournament as a whole. But here are a couple of my own observations on the world's greatest sporting competition, one that I wished was every year instead of every 4:
- The USA's run through the tournament was absolutely thrilling, spine-tingling stuff. I have never jumped around like a little school girl and hugged other sweaty men like I did after Landon Donovan scored against Algeria in extra time to send us to the knockout stages. It was positively unreal, and is one of those moments that I know I will remember forever. Thank you Landon, and go USA!
- The unfortunate reason that the US' games were so crazy was because they refused to play well at the beginning of any of the games they were in. England scored in the 4th minute. Slovenia started 2-0 up on us before we came back. Algeria should have been up 1-0 inside 10 minutes if whatever dude hadn't hit the crossbar. And in the knockout round, Ghana scored quickly to go up 1-0 as well. Sooner or later the magic runs out. You just can't keep digging yourself into such massive holes, because eventually they're going to be impossible to get out of.
- The referee we had during the Slovenia game, Koman Coulibaly, is lucky he didn't fuck over a country like Argentina or Spain with the atrocious calls he made against us, not least of which was Maurica Edu's disallowed winner, because he would be dead right now. As it is, most of America wants to kill him, but the hooligans of Argentina would definitely have his head on a plate right now. I have never seen a worse performance by a referee or umpire, in any sport.
- I like Bob Bradley a lot, but I think it might be time for the US to get a new coach, because I think he's taken this country as far as he can take it. I loved how he wasn't afraid to admit mistakes by making substitutions early in the game when things clearly weren't working, but the problem with that was that he was making those mistakes in the first place. Robbie Findley had no business being on the team, let alone in the starting lineup. Sure, he's fast. But when you can't score goals and you're a striker, you shouldn't be on the field. Yet Bob insisted on starting him. Ricardo Clark was terrible. But there he was, starting in the Ghana match, and what happened? He turned the ball over in the 6th minute or so which directly led to the opening goal, and then he took a stupid yellow card. Our best lineup was when Maurica Edu was the holding midfielder, Benny Feilhaber was the right wing, and Clint Dempsey was up top with Jozy, but did we ever start with that lineup? Noooooooo. Like I said, I like Bradley a lot, and I think he did a lot of great things for our team, but some of his lineup decisions were baffling. I think it's time for new blood.
- It's a huge problem when you're strikers can't score goals. Every one of the forwards we had, Jozy Altidore, Herculez Gomez, Edson Buddle, and Robbie Findley, were completely shut out during the World Cup. Not a single goal between them, which is completely unacceptable, and makes it impossible for us to advance as a soccer nation. Jozy has a chance to be really good, but he had a ton of chances in this tournament, some of which were laid out on a silver platter for him, and he still couldn't finish. Hopefully a young striker emerges somewhere within the next 4 years so we have a legit scoring threat other that Clint Dempsey and Landon Donovan from the midfield.
- When Jonathan Bornstein is your best defender, you know you're in trouble.
- All these complaints aside, please refer to hyphen number 1 once again. What a thrill ride. USA! USA! USA! USA!
And there you have it folks, the return of your truly as a blogger. I actually intended on having this completed for this past Monday to be a true Brain Fart, but as you can see, it was quite long, so I couldn't finish it until Wednesday night. But anyway, I'm going to try and get back to posting regularly so you can remember why you hated my writing in the first place! That being said, the Brain Fart will be taking a week off this coming Monday because I'm away on business starting tomorrow until next Wednesday. Sorry! Hit me with your comments on EVERYTHING I just wrote about.
