MMBF - 12/27: Merry Christmas!

Greetings fellow humans! As promised, I'm back in some sort of groove, so here is my second Monday Morning Brain Fart in 2 weeks! For those of you who just passed out, well... I have nothing to say, because you're currently unconscious. But for those of you who have survived the realization that I'm actually posting again, kudos! Please enjoy the following worthless prose that comes from the diarrhea that ran through my head throughout the past week.

The woman and I went to Heartland Brewery in NYC after walking around the Holiday Shops at Bryant Park on Monday night. As we approached, we noticed that they have a sort of restaurant spinoff now, called HB Burger. So we decided to try it out. I had a delicious Buffalo-style beef burger, which had the bleu cheese laced throughout the burger, and a delightful buffalo hot sauce on top. Highly recommended. But the coup de grace were the tater tots, which were made with bacon and jalapeno jack cheese. Holy moly. Those were heavenly. Need that baco in your tots.

All hail Corey Wooten! The Bears defensive end is the latest hero to knock Brett Favre possibly out of his career, this time slamming him to the turf and giving him a concussion. Let's hope that ended his career! Thanks Corey.

I'd like to take a second to applaud the Newport Centre Mall Taco Bell on an excellent beefy 5-layer burrito the other day. It was clean, nicely wrapped and didn't fall apart in my hands as I ate it, yet it was filled with the same beefy, gooey, cheesy excellence that I'm used to from The Bell. Kudos, hair-netted gentleman in the back.

Aaron Rodgers is playing? We're fucked.

I bought my nephew Dexter a Michael Vick chew toy for Christmas, mostly because I decided that as a Giants fan, I needed to see Vick (or at least a plastic facsimile of him) destroyed at the hands of those he tortured, as a result of last week's embarrassment. Behold the grisly glory:



Gotta love the NCAA! 6 Ohio St. players, including highly-overrated starting quarterback Terrelle Pryor, were suspended for not paying for tattoos. So they're going to miss the Sugar Bowl next week? Nope. They're missing 5 games next year. Heaven forbid the NCAA miss a money-making opportunity and have important players miss a game on national television! What a crock of shit.

Speaking of college football, I don't want to hear any more shit about players bitching about how they don't get paid for playing. You guys get a full scholarship, including tuition, room and board, books, meal plan, etc. That's not enough? Shut up. Those of us who have tens of thousands of dollars of school loans to repay by actually working real jobs don't want to hear it.

I got my nuts scanned by the TSA 2 weeks ago on a flight to Phoenix from Chicago. I didn't care. I also didn't care that some guy who hates his job had to take a close look at my dong to make sure I didn't have a bomb on me. I'm all for anything to make my flight, and all other flights in this country, safer. Everyone who's complaining - Shut the fuck up. You want another plane to blow up? Go live in the middle east. I prefer my travel safe here in America.

I have now heard the greatest nickname in sports - The Norwegian Hobbit Wizard, aka, New York Rangers rookie right wing Mats Zuccarello. He's Norwegian, he looks like a hobbit, and he's 5'6". It's perfect! He's also awesome. Also, I saw Michael Del Zotto in person the other day. He's sexy.

I think it's hilarious how many people are getting hurt performing in that ridiculous Spiderman musical. What a stupid idea. Actually, the other day I was reading a reputable and well-respected internet publication that had a review of the musical that I thought I should share with you. Enjoy.

Yesterday was Snowmaggedon in New Jersey! I, of course, was driving home to JC from my parent's house in the middle of it, so suffice it to say, I've had better road trips. But I made it through alive clearly, so good for you! 3 funny things that happened: 1) I had to pee like a racehorse while we were parked on I-78 for 45 minutes, so I got out of the car and ran into the woods on the median. Of course the traffic started moving as soon as I whipped my cock out, so I had to squeeze my flow out as fast as possible and sprint back to the car in the snow. Sure I got a few laughs there. 2) Saw some douche driving a SmartCar in the blizzard. Whoever was driving that car is an idiot. And 3) The "Welcome to the Ice Age" sign on the Liberty Science Center in JC that I passed was very appropriate. They can tell the future!

Joe Buck just said that the Giants were one of the better screen-pass teams in the National. Football. League. Has he ever watched football before? Either Eli throws the ball 800 mph at Brandon Jacobs or Ahmad Bradshaw's feet and/or heads, or those 2 dumbasses drop it. Joe Buck - You're an idiot. The Giants suck at screen passes, among other things.

Just like I thought, Aaron Rodgers killed us. Plus, I swear if I see another Giants turnover, I'm going to run downstairs to the dog-run outside of our building, role around in the dried dog shit that asshole dog owners never pick up, get up, and plant a sharp spike in the ground. Then I'm going to run back to my apartment on the 18th floor, and jump off the balcony onto said spike. I anticipate this happening next week when we turn the ball over for the first of 5 times. They suck. Hello Bill Cowher!

I forgot how sad Cast Away was. Sure, there's a glimmer of hope at the end when he meets the redhead in middle-of-nowhere Texas, gives a look, and while the credits are rolling probably chases her down and bangs her out in the bed of her truck right in front of the dog, but seriously, first his plane crashes. Then he spends 4 years on an island talking to a fucking volleyball. Then when he finally returns home, Helen Hunt teases him with a few kisses before dumping his ass because she has a family she doesn't love. Poor Tom Hanks.

And finally, to all my fellow Gentiles, I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!

Ugh. Another week of work. Though at least this one begins with a snow day!

MMBF - 12/20: I'm Sick to my Stomach

Hello everyone! I'm baaaaaaaack. And I'm pissed off. See Giants, New York.

Anyway, as I said, I am back for good. Back in the groove of blogging on a regular basis. Back to bore you with my pointless thoughts. Back to make you wonder why you even bother reading my nonsense because A) I'm not funny, and B) you have better things to do with your life. And finally, I'm back to telling you why New Jersey is the best piece of this land on planet Earth.

I think the reason I had gone so long without blogging was because once I missed a week or 2 of doing the Monday Morning Brain Fart, the amount of notes I had taken became a daunting amount, and I didn't feel like wasting days of my life trying to write every single thing I wanted to write about in such great detail. So as the notes kept piling up, my will to write kept slowly fading into the ether. But hark! I have figured out a way back into the game, and that way is: Half-assing it! That's right. I'm going to write about everything I wanted to write about over the last couple months, but instead of expanding on every topic and writing a Brain Fart longer than The Bible, I'm going to write a sentence or 2 about each, then move on, only expanding when necessary. That way, I get to write about everything I wanted to, and I can start from scratch and try to win all 6 of my loyal readers back. So without further ado, my glorified Twitter feed of a Monday Morning Brain Fart:

Hard Knocks was awesome. Sick of hearing about the Jets though, especially since they will inevitably fail and push their fans to the brink of suicide once more.

Jersey Shore is the greatest show on TV. I'm only half-kidding about that. Watch that shit when the new season premiers of January 6th.

Musikfest in Bethlehem, PA is one of the few good things that happens in Pennsyltucky. It's a monster festival - lots of good music, great food, and tons of booze. Can't beat that.

I think Joe Girardi is the worst, best manager in baseball. Yankees are always good, always going to make the playoffs or at least be in contention to do so, but the way he manages the bullpen makes me want to strangle small children.

I'd hate to be a Mets fan. Just when you think things couldn't be any worse for that pathetic franchise, their expensive all-star closer goes and beats up his father-in-law. Nice!

Angry birds is the most incredible game/app/anything you could possibly download in your life.

Fat cat is one of my favorite bars is NYC. I need that shit in my life on a more regular basis.

Jersey City is totally sweet. Yes I know that video sucked, but the moral of the story is the JC rules!

Not only are security guards in malls that scoot around on segways hilarious because it's so lame, but it's even funnier when 2 security guards are next to each other, but only 1 of them gets a segway. They actually make the other douche walk next to the fat ass who can't walk and gets to segway around. Hilars!

I'm fairly sure that the pet store at the Newport Centre Mall in Jersey City could not have hired a guy who looks more like a child rapist than the one dude who works there. He not only has a mullet, but he has a mullet with a RAT TAIL. If he had his druthers, he'd probably hand a child a puppy, then gently stroke their privates. Too creepy.

Sketchers Shape-Up sneakers look stupid. Stop wearing them asshole.

I made a bet with my roommate that LaDainian Tomlinson wouldn't get over 675.5 yards this season, mostly because I thought he was old, washed up, and would get hurt at some point. I already lost. Poo.

Bob Bradley got a 4 year extension as the head coach of the US soccer team. Not sure how I feel about that. He's done well, but his lineup choices usually leave a lot to be desired. And if he plays Robbie Findley one more time I'm going to shoot up a post office.

There are few things in life more satisfying than watching Papeldouche fail, especially when his fuck ups seal a postseason-less season for the SAWX. He is such a cock monger.

Congrats to my pals Courtney and Chris on their nuptials!

The Virginia Tech-Boise St. game to open the college football season was neato.

I've found the most obscure and weird mascot in all of sports: The UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. WTF?! Naturally, I bought a Banana Slugs tank top.

Colby Caillat brutalized the national anthem... though I forget to write when it was when I took this note. She sucks and should never be hired for any job again for the rest of her life.

The new Old Spice commercials with Ray Lewis are hilarious, even if he did kill a guy.

Brett Favre is a grandpa?! Just die already you old fuck.

1050 ESPN radio in NYC has a football show co-hosted by former Jet linebacker Greg Buttle. He is the worst. His analysis actually makes you know less about the game of football. I'm surprised Bonnie Bernstein hasn't shanked him yet, but I'm figuring she will the next time he uses the phrase, "When you look at...," which I know will be in about .05 seconds.

Ithaca, NY is the #1 college town in the entire country! That makes sense.

Hang out with the cutest man in the NFL!

The Cowgirls are so fucking lame. I've never seen a team celebrate more 3 yard runs than them.

The Entourage finale was sweet. I hope Vinny dies of a drug overdose.

The League is one of the funniest shows on TV. I'd say you should watch it, but it's over. So download it illegally or something.

Kevin won Top Chef! Where's he from? New Jersey of course.

Andrew Siciliano, the dude who hosts the Red Zone channel on DirecTV, has bigger ears than dumbo. How embarrassing.



The New York Rangers are back! AND THEY GOT RID OF WADE REDDEN! SWEET JESUS!

EasyA was surprisingly hilarious. Not ashamed to admit that.

The 10th Inning of Ken Burns Baseball came out recently. If you like baseball, you need it. Really interesting.

What's the best part of going to a Rutgers football game? Listening to the marching band playing Bon Jovi songs all night. I love New Jersey.

Great series win by the Yankees in the Division Series against the Twins. When CC wasn't good in Game 1 and the Yanks still won, that's when you knew it was over. Also, Andy Pettitte was awesome, and Phil Hughes was better. Neato gang!

I saw some piece about how Lawrence Tynes was hanging with kids with disabilities are part of some Giants community outreach thing. If I were the Giants, I'd keep Tynes away from the kids. He actually enhances their disabilities.

Giants beat the Texans! Cool.

I couldn't help but feel bad for Brooks Conrad after he made 3 errors and blew Game 2 against San Fran. He must feel awful.

Tough loss for the Braves in the Division Series. Way too many injuries, plus they ran into San Fran's unstoppable pitching. Too much to overcome. Fairwell Bobby, you will be missed by the game.

Darrelle Revis needs to shut up. Don't remember what he said, but I'm sure it was stupid.

Brett Favre pretends to be hurt all the time just to make people think he's tough. I'm convinced. I hate him.

Favre getting hit in the nuts! HAHA!



Made the pilgrimage. If you don't know what this is in reference to, you should be shot.



Giants won a game they should win and had to win. I think that was the Lions game.

If I have to hear that fucking Kid Rock song on TBS' playoff baseball coverage one more time, I'm going to jump off my balcony. Thankfully, the playoffs are long over, so I clearly don't have to anymore.

AJ Burnett had to just get Bengie fucking Molina out to escape 6 innings with only 2 runs in Game 4 against the Rangers, and he couldn't do it. Then of course Joe brought in Sergio fucking Mitre, and the game was over. He sucks.

Yankees didn't deserve to win that series. Texas outplayed them badly.

The Giants are knocking out QBs left and right! We broke Tony Homo's collarbone! I loved watching him writhe on the field in pain after Michael Boley ended the Cowgirls season. And what is Igor Olshansky celebrating down 18 after stopping a simple run play? Typical Cowgirls. They suck.

Friday Night Lights is the best show on TV. Watch that shit America.

Watched football at White Star Bar in the JC a few weeks back, and there was some douche who came in with a Favre Packers jersey. Then when the Vikings game came on, he changed to a Favre Vikings jersey. What a shithead.

I couldn't believe that the Red Bulls choked that badly in the second leg of their playoff against San Jose. Terrible way to end the season. Lots of promise for the future though, so I got season tickets for next year! w00t w00t!

Ithaca is awesome.

Giants slaughter Seahawks. Nice.

I really wish the Cowgirls hadn't fired Wade Phillips. He was so awful as a coach, I loved watching them lose over and over again. No more. Sadness.

The Rangers suck at home. And typically whenever I go to see them. COME ON.

Steve Smith is hurt?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Matt Millen and Joe Theisman make me want to rip my ears off. Bob Papa probably is suicidal, especially since he is one of the best in the business. Come on, NFL Network, you can't possibly think those 2 clowns are actually good right?

Ugh. Ithaca lost the Cortaca Jug to Cortland St. Oh well, at least we know those idiots will be working for us some day!

Miami Heat fans are embarrassing... Empty seats and silence at the arena to watch a team with LeBron James AND Dwyane Wade? Again, that's embarrassing. What a shit sports town Miami is.

Same old Giants in the game against the Cowgirls. Pathetic.

The Hess truck this year is a fighter jet?!?!? I remember when I got those things every year as a kid, it was always a cool truck. Now they're doing fighter jets?!?! My childhood is slowly going down the drain.

ANOTHER WATER MAIN BREAK?? FUCK! If there is one negative about Jersey City, it's that our millennium-old water mains keep breaking, leaving us all with no water. It's getting annoying, just fix the damn thing for Christ's sake.

Ithaca needs a new mascot. VOTE. Or submit an idea, whatever they ask you to do.

I actually went to Philly wearing a Giants jersey to see the G-Men. First off, heartbreaking loss. Second, Philly fans are disgraces to humanity. What a bunch of scumbags.

Watching the Heat struggle so badly is incredible. I love that they suck. Well, they did when I wrote this note down. They're pretty good right now.

Watching Brett Favre suffer in his last year in the league is incredible. He comes back for one last run at the Super Bowl, and what does he get? His ass kicked on a regular basis, the Vikings suck... it's so awesome! I love watching him burn.

Now Hakeem Nicks is hurt? We're fucked.

Qatar had to have bought the vote for the 2022 World Cup. You can't tell me that they would do a better job hosting than us. FIFA is so corrupt. We're voting to play the 2022 Cup in 120 degree heat? Really? We're doing this?

2012, the movie starring John Cusack about the end of the world, was horrific. Every ridiculous action movie cliche was in that. Cool effects, but that's it. Pass on that sack of shit.

Giants stroll over Redskins! Fun times!

Top Chef All-Stars is so good. I don't cook, and I can't get enough of it. Let's go Tiffany!

We've officially started the countdown to when Cam Newton has to give his Heisman trophy back. Don't you just love "amateur" athletics these days?

The Metrodome roof collapsed! Awesome! BUT WE DON'T CARE THAT IT HELPS FAVRE POSSIBLY EXTEND HIS STREAK. FUCK YOU ESPN. FUCK YOU ED WERDER. AND FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE. DIE.

I enjoyed how they kept showing Brett Favre with his hands in his pants during the game against the Giants. What a horny shithead. At least wait until the game is over and you're back in the locker room until you start whacking off to thought of yourself, Brett.

The Giants were up 31-10 against the Eagles with 7 minutes left. And we lost. In regulation. I now know what all Giants fans felt like after the Miracle at the Meadowlands in 1978. This is, by far, the lowest I've ever felt as a Giants fan. I can't imagine things being worse than this. What a horrific choke job. Fuck me. Not sure how long it's going to take me to get over this.

Ugh. Another week of work. But at least I'm back!