Greetings fellow humans! As promised, I'm back in some sort of groove, so here is my second Monday Morning Brain Fart in 2 weeks! For those of you who just passed out, well... I have nothing to say, because you're currently unconscious. But for those of you who have survived the realization that I'm actually posting again, kudos! Please enjoy the following worthless prose that comes from the diarrhea that ran through my head throughout the past week.
The woman and I went to Heartland Brewery in NYC after walking around the Holiday Shops at Bryant Park on Monday night. As we approached, we noticed that they have a sort of restaurant spinoff now, called HB Burger. So we decided to try it out. I had a delicious Buffalo-style beef burger, which had the bleu cheese laced throughout the burger, and a delightful buffalo hot sauce on top. Highly recommended. But the coup de grace were the tater tots, which were made with bacon and jalapeno jack cheese. Holy moly. Those were heavenly. Need that baco in your tots.
All hail Corey Wooten! The Bears defensive end is the latest hero to knock Brett Favre possibly out of his career, this time slamming him to the turf and giving him a concussion. Let's hope that ended his career! Thanks Corey.
I'd like to take a second to applaud the Newport Centre Mall Taco Bell on an excellent beefy 5-layer burrito the other day. It was clean, nicely wrapped and didn't fall apart in my hands as I ate it, yet it was filled with the same beefy, gooey, cheesy excellence that I'm used to from The Bell. Kudos, hair-netted gentleman in the back.
Aaron Rodgers is playing? We're fucked.
I bought my nephew Dexter a Michael Vick chew toy for Christmas, mostly because I decided that as a Giants fan, I needed to see Vick (or at least a plastic facsimile of him) destroyed at the hands of those he tortured, as a result of last week's embarrassment. Behold the grisly glory:
Gotta love the NCAA! 6 Ohio St. players, including highly-overrated starting quarterback Terrelle Pryor, were suspended for not paying for tattoos. So they're going to miss the Sugar Bowl next week? Nope. They're missing 5 games next year. Heaven forbid the NCAA miss a money-making opportunity and have important players miss a game on national television! What a crock of shit.
Speaking of college football, I don't want to hear any more shit about players bitching about how they don't get paid for playing. You guys get a full scholarship, including tuition, room and board, books, meal plan, etc. That's not enough? Shut up. Those of us who have tens of thousands of dollars of school loans to repay by actually working real jobs don't want to hear it.
I got my nuts scanned by the TSA 2 weeks ago on a flight to Phoenix from Chicago. I didn't care. I also didn't care that some guy who hates his job had to take a close look at my dong to make sure I didn't have a bomb on me. I'm all for anything to make my flight, and all other flights in this country, safer. Everyone who's complaining - Shut the fuck up. You want another plane to blow up? Go live in the middle east. I prefer my travel safe here in America.
I have now heard the greatest nickname in sports - The Norwegian Hobbit Wizard, aka, New York Rangers rookie right wing Mats Zuccarello. He's Norwegian, he looks like a hobbit, and he's 5'6". It's perfect! He's also awesome. Also, I saw Michael Del Zotto in person the other day. He's sexy.
I think it's hilarious how many people are getting hurt performing in that ridiculous Spiderman musical. What a stupid idea. Actually, the other day I was reading a reputable and well-respected internet publication that had a review of the musical that I thought I should share with you. Enjoy.
Yesterday was Snowmaggedon in New Jersey! I, of course, was driving home to JC from my parent's house in the middle of it, so suffice it to say, I've had better road trips. But I made it through alive clearly, so good for you! 3 funny things that happened: 1) I had to pee like a racehorse while we were parked on I-78 for 45 minutes, so I got out of the car and ran into the woods on the median. Of course the traffic started moving as soon as I whipped my cock out, so I had to squeeze my flow out as fast as possible and sprint back to the car in the snow. Sure I got a few laughs there. 2) Saw some douche driving a SmartCar in the blizzard. Whoever was driving that car is an idiot. And 3) The "Welcome to the Ice Age" sign on the Liberty Science Center in JC that I passed was very appropriate. They can tell the future!
Joe Buck just said that the Giants were one of the better screen-pass teams in the National. Football. League. Has he ever watched football before? Either Eli throws the ball 800 mph at Brandon Jacobs or Ahmad Bradshaw's feet and/or heads, or those 2 dumbasses drop it. Joe Buck - You're an idiot. The Giants suck at screen passes, among other things.
Just like I thought, Aaron Rodgers killed us. Plus, I swear if I see another Giants turnover, I'm going to run downstairs to the dog-run outside of our building, role around in the dried dog shit that asshole dog owners never pick up, get up, and plant a sharp spike in the ground. Then I'm going to run back to my apartment on the 18th floor, and jump off the balcony onto said spike. I anticipate this happening next week when we turn the ball over for the first of 5 times. They suck. Hello Bill Cowher!
I forgot how sad Cast Away was. Sure, there's a glimmer of hope at the end when he meets the redhead in middle-of-nowhere Texas, gives a look, and while the credits are rolling probably chases her down and bangs her out in the bed of her truck right in front of the dog, but seriously, first his plane crashes. Then he spends 4 years on an island talking to a fucking volleyball. Then when he finally returns home, Helen Hunt teases him with a few kisses before dumping his ass because she has a family she doesn't love. Poor Tom Hanks.
And finally, to all my fellow Gentiles, I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!
Ugh. Another week of work. Though at least this one begins with a snow day!
Hello everyone! I'm baaaaaaaack. And I'm pissed off. See Giants, New York.
Anyway, as I said, I am back for good. Back in the groove of blogging on a regular basis. Back to bore you with my pointless thoughts. Back to make you wonder why you even bother reading my nonsense because A) I'm not funny, and B) you have better things to do with your life. And finally, I'm back to telling you why New Jersey is the best piece of this land on planet Earth.
I think the reason I had gone so long without blogging was because once I missed a week or 2 of doing the Monday Morning Brain Fart, the amount of notes I had taken became a daunting amount, and I didn't feel like wasting days of my life trying to write every single thing I wanted to write about in such great detail. So as the notes kept piling up, my will to write kept slowly fading into the ether. But hark! I have figured out a way back into the game, and that way is: Half-assing it! That's right. I'm going to write about everything I wanted to write about over the last couple months, but instead of expanding on every topic and writing a Brain Fart longer than The Bible, I'm going to write a sentence or 2 about each, then move on, only expanding when necessary. That way, I get to write about everything I wanted to, and I can start from scratch and try to win all 6 of my loyal readers back. So without further ado, my glorified Twitter feed of a Monday Morning Brain Fart:
Hard Knocks was awesome. Sick of hearing about the Jets though, especially since they will inevitably fail and push their fans to the brink of suicide once more.
Jersey Shore is the greatest show on TV. I'm only half-kidding about that. Watch that shit when the new season premiers of January 6th.
Musikfest in Bethlehem, PA is one of the few good things that happens in Pennsyltucky. It's a monster festival - lots of good music, great food, and tons of booze. Can't beat that.
I think Joe Girardi is the worst, best manager in baseball. Yankees are always good, always going to make the playoffs or at least be in contention to do so, but the way he manages the bullpen makes me want to strangle small children.
I'd hate to be a Mets fan. Just when you think things couldn't be any worse for that pathetic franchise, their expensive all-star closer goes and beats up his father-in-law. Nice!
Angry birds is the most incredible game/app/anything you could possibly download in your life.
Fat cat is one of my favorite bars is NYC. I need that shit in my life on a more regular basis.
Jersey City is totally sweet. Yes I know that video sucked, but the moral of the story is the JC rules!
Not only are security guards in malls that scoot around on segways hilarious because it's so lame, but it's even funnier when 2 security guards are next to each other, but only 1 of them gets a segway. They actually make the other douche walk next to the fat ass who can't walk and gets to segway around. Hilars!
I'm fairly sure that the pet store at the Newport Centre Mall in Jersey City could not have hired a guy who looks more like a child rapist than the one dude who works there. He not only has a mullet, but he has a mullet with a RAT TAIL. If he had his druthers, he'd probably hand a child a puppy, then gently stroke their privates. Too creepy.
Sketchers Shape-Up sneakers look stupid. Stop wearing them asshole.
I made a bet with my roommate that LaDainian Tomlinson wouldn't get over 675.5 yards this season, mostly because I thought he was old, washed up, and would get hurt at some point. I already lost. Poo.
Bob Bradley got a 4 year extension as the head coach of the US soccer team. Not sure how I feel about that. He's done well, but his lineup choices usually leave a lot to be desired. And if he plays Robbie Findley one more time I'm going to shoot up a post office.
There are few things in life more satisfying than watching Papeldouche fail, especially when his fuck ups seal a postseason-less season for the SAWX. He is such a cock monger.
Congrats to my pals Courtney and Chris on their nuptials!
The Virginia Tech-Boise St. game to open the college football season was neato.
I've found the most obscure and weird mascot in all of sports: The UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. WTF?! Naturally, I bought a Banana Slugs tank top.
Colby Caillat brutalized the national anthem... though I forget to write when it was when I took this note. She sucks and should never be hired for any job again for the rest of her life.
The new Old Spice commercials with Ray Lewis are hilarious, even if he did kill a guy.
Brett Favre is a grandpa?! Just die already you old fuck.
1050 ESPN radio in NYC has a football show co-hosted by former Jet linebacker Greg Buttle. He is the worst. His analysis actually makes you know less about the game of football. I'm surprised Bonnie Bernstein hasn't shanked him yet, but I'm figuring she will the next time he uses the phrase, "When you look at...," which I know will be in about .05 seconds.
The Cowgirls are so fucking lame. I've never seen a team celebrate more 3 yard runs than them.
The Entourage finale was sweet. I hope Vinny dies of a drug overdose.
The League is one of the funniest shows on TV. I'd say you should watch it, but it's over. So download it illegally or something.
Kevin won Top Chef! Where's he from? New Jersey of course.
Andrew Siciliano, the dude who hosts the Red Zone channel on DirecTV, has bigger ears than dumbo. How embarrassing.
The New York Rangers are back! AND THEY GOT RID OF WADE REDDEN! SWEET JESUS!
EasyA was surprisingly hilarious. Not ashamed to admit that.
The 10th Inning of Ken Burns Baseball came out recently. If you like baseball, you need it. Really interesting.
What's the best part of going to a Rutgers football game? Listening to the marching band playing Bon Jovi songs all night. I love New Jersey.
Great series win by the Yankees in the Division Series against the Twins. When CC wasn't good in Game 1 and the Yanks still won, that's when you knew it was over. Also, Andy Pettitte was awesome, and Phil Hughes was better. Neato gang!
I saw some piece about how Lawrence Tynes was hanging with kids with disabilities are part of some Giants community outreach thing. If I were the Giants, I'd keep Tynes away from the kids. He actually enhances their disabilities.
Giants beat the Texans! Cool.
I couldn't help but feel bad for Brooks Conrad after he made 3 errors and blew Game 2 against San Fran. He must feel awful.
Tough loss for the Braves in the Division Series. Way too many injuries, plus they ran into San Fran's unstoppable pitching. Too much to overcome. Fairwell Bobby, you will be missed by the game.
Darrelle Revis needs to shut up. Don't remember what he said, but I'm sure it was stupid.
Brett Favre pretends to be hurt all the time just to make people think he's tough. I'm convinced. I hate him.
Favre getting hit in the nuts! HAHA!
Made the pilgrimage. If you don't know what this is in reference to, you should be shot.
Giants won a game they should win and had to win. I think that was the Lions game.
If I have to hear that fucking Kid Rock song on TBS' playoff baseball coverage one more time, I'm going to jump off my balcony. Thankfully, the playoffs are long over, so I clearly don't have to anymore.
AJ Burnett had to just get Bengie fucking Molina out to escape 6 innings with only 2 runs in Game 4 against the Rangers, and he couldn't do it. Then of course Joe brought in Sergio fucking Mitre, and the game was over. He sucks.
Yankees didn't deserve to win that series. Texas outplayed them badly.
The Giants are knocking out QBs left and right! We broke Tony Homo's collarbone! I loved watching him writhe on the field in pain after Michael Boley ended the Cowgirls season. And what is Igor Olshansky celebrating down 18 after stopping a simple run play? Typical Cowgirls. They suck.
Friday Night Lights is the best show on TV. Watch that shit America.
Watched football at White Star Bar in the JC a few weeks back, and there was some douche who came in with a Favre Packers jersey. Then when the Vikings game came on, he changed to a Favre Vikings jersey. What a shithead.
I couldn't believe that the Red Bulls choked that badly in the second leg of their playoff against San Jose. Terrible way to end the season. Lots of promise for the future though, so I got season tickets for next year! w00t w00t!
Ithaca is awesome.
Giants slaughter Seahawks. Nice.
I really wish the Cowgirls hadn't fired Wade Phillips. He was so awful as a coach, I loved watching them lose over and over again. No more. Sadness.
The Rangers suck at home. And typically whenever I go to see them. COME ON.
Steve Smith is hurt?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Matt Millen and Joe Theisman make me want to rip my ears off. Bob Papa probably is suicidal, especially since he is one of the best in the business. Come on, NFL Network, you can't possibly think those 2 clowns are actually good right?
Ugh. Ithaca lost the Cortaca Jug to Cortland St. Oh well, at least we know those idiots will be working for us some day!
Miami Heat fans are embarrassing... Empty seats and silence at the arena to watch a team with LeBron James AND Dwyane Wade? Again, that's embarrassing. What a shit sports town Miami is.
Same old Giants in the game against the Cowgirls. Pathetic.
The Hess truck this year is a fighter jet?!?!? I remember when I got those things every year as a kid, it was always a cool truck. Now they're doing fighter jets?!?! My childhood is slowly going down the drain.
ANOTHER WATER MAIN BREAK?? FUCK! If there is one negative about Jersey City, it's that our millennium-old water mains keep breaking, leaving us all with no water. It's getting annoying, just fix the damn thing for Christ's sake.
Ithaca needs a new mascot. VOTE. Or submit an idea, whatever they ask you to do.
I actually went to Philly wearing a Giants jersey to see the G-Men. First off, heartbreaking loss. Second, Philly fans are disgraces to humanity. What a bunch of scumbags.
Watching the Heat struggle so badly is incredible. I love that they suck. Well, they did when I wrote this note down. They're pretty good right now.
Watching Brett Favre suffer in his last year in the league is incredible. He comes back for one last run at the Super Bowl, and what does he get? His ass kicked on a regular basis, the Vikings suck... it's so awesome! I love watching him burn.
Now Hakeem Nicks is hurt? We're fucked.
Qatar had to have bought the vote for the 2022 World Cup. You can't tell me that they would do a better job hosting than us. FIFA is so corrupt. We're voting to play the 2022 Cup in 120 degree heat? Really? We're doing this?
2012, the movie starring John Cusack about the end of the world, was horrific. Every ridiculous action movie cliche was in that. Cool effects, but that's it. Pass on that sack of shit.
Giants stroll over Redskins! Fun times!
Top Chef All-Stars is so good. I don't cook, and I can't get enough of it. Let's go Tiffany!
We've officially started the countdown to when Cam Newton has to give his Heisman trophy back. Don't you just love "amateur" athletics these days?
The Metrodome roof collapsed! Awesome! BUT WE DON'T CARE THAT IT HELPS FAVRE POSSIBLY EXTEND HIS STREAK. FUCK YOU ESPN. FUCK YOU ED WERDER. AND FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE. DIE.
I enjoyed how they kept showing Brett Favre with his hands in his pants during the game against the Giants. What a horny shithead. At least wait until the game is over and you're back in the locker room until you start whacking off to thought of yourself, Brett.
The Giants were up 31-10 against the Eagles with 7 minutes left. And we lost. In regulation. I now know what all Giants fans felt like after the Miracle at the Meadowlands in 1978. This is, by far, the lowest I've ever felt as a Giants fan. I can't imagine things being worse than this. What a horrific choke job. Fuck me. Not sure how long it's going to take me to get over this.
Just like last time, when it took me 17 years to churn out a 6 mile long Brain Fart, I have been diligently taking notes on my iPhone 4 in the hope that one day I may write another Brain Fart again. Well, we almost arrived at that point tonight, however, I don't really feel like writing a novel, so I'm just going to rant about the New York Football Giants, because after last weekend's performance, they deserve it. I'm also a little drunk. So let's take this week by week, shall we?
Preseason - 8/21: Giants vs. Steelers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
I'll discuss this preseason game because I was there, not because it was a game of any sort of great importance, especially because Eli didn't play... oh right! Hold on one sec.
Preseason - 8/16: Giants vs. Jets - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
I wasn't at this game, but I do feel a few things need to be said about it:
1) The Giants won, which means we are, were, and always will be, the kings of New York/New Jersey/Connecticut/Half of Rhode Island? Maybe? Football. The Jets can make all the headlines they want by signing every miscreant in the league, being on Hard Knocks, talking all kinds of shit... it doesn't matter. This is a Giants town. And yes, it's called the New Giants Stadium. Actually win a Super Bowl Jets, and maybe we'll talk.
2) Victor Cruz is THE SHIT. Even Revis Island couldn't have contained UMass' finest.
3) To everyone saying that the Jets sent some sort of message about how tough they are by bloodying Eli during the game - you are all idiots. The only reason Eli got his forehead torn open was because he called an audible but decided he didn't need to tell the rest of his team. It's his fault the play went to shit, so it's his fault that he got some brains knocked out through a crack in his face. The Jets just merely took advantage of a broken play. If Eli communicates the audible to his teammates, that doesn't happen, so stop it with the "Jets are so tough" shit. Eli just had a minor brain cramp, that's all. He's still really cute.
4) There was probably something else, I think, but I forget. Remember... drunk.
Back to the first game I went to!
Preseason - 8/21: Giants vs. Steelers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
It was the Rhett Bomar show at the New Giants Stadium, and he was fine. The Giants lost, but WHATEVS! It's the preseason. This game was all about checking out the new stadium for the first time. We got there nice and early so as to experience the optimal amount of tailgating. There were cheeseburgers, sausage and peppers, and of course, the Champagne of Beer, aka Miller High Life. (From here on out in this blog, the High Life will be forever referred to as "Champagne." So don't ever think I'm talking about that fizzy clear shit people drink during wedding toasts. It's the High Life. It's the Champagne. BUT REMEMBER: Never, EVER, get the Champagne in a can. Only in bottles. Word to the wise.) We made out way to our seats, which were in the lower bowl on the corner of the end zone, about 30 rows up. Good seats, nice view, good amount of leg room. Great times. As we approached the end of the game and the stadium was emptying out, we made our way over the expensive, cushy seats that cost $20,000 per PSL, just to see what they were like. Well, let's just say I would be pissed off if I spent $20,000 for that seat because there was absolutely no leg room and the cup holder was ever so slightly sawing away at my meniscus. I bet the Jets designed that. What a bunch of IDIOTS.
Regular Season Week 1 - 9/12: Giants vs. Panthers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
I was at this one too! Which means I was at the preseason opener for the totally first ever Giants game at the new stadium, then at the regular season opener for the not-so-totally first ever Giants game at the new stadium. Represent, fo sho. Anyway, the Giants won the game even though they mostly played like dog doodie, but hey! A win's a win, right? And after last year, I'll take a win any way, shape, or form they can get one. The best thing to see was the defense actually make some plays when the opposing offense took them deep in the red zone, as they intercepted Matt Moore 3 times in the end zone. Last year, those drives resulted in Panther touchdowns, so that's a positive right?! Hopefully they would carry it over into the next game at Indy...
Regular Season Week 2 - 9/19: Giants at Colts - Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN
NOT! Granted, this was one of those games where you pretty much knew you weren't going to win. Indy had just come off a spanking at the hands of the Texans, and would be desperate to not start the year 0-2. Plus they were at home. Plus they have Eli's older brother at QB. You could pretty much chalk this one up as a loss, but at least the Giants could have represented themselves well. But they did the exact opposite and looked like complete ass. They talked the whole week about how they were going to game plan to stop Peyton, so they played most of the game in the dime and only dressed 2 defensive tackles. And what happened? One of the worst running back tandems in the National. Football. League. ran all over them of course. It was just a miserable performance on defense, and the offense wasn't much better. They couldn't get anything going, and Brandon Jacobs dancing around like a fairy in the backfield and then trying to kill a Colts fan with his helmet certainly wasn't helping. But again, you would have picked this game as a loss before the season started, so even though they looked worse than a pee wee team, no harm no foul.
This game also got me thinking - Is it time to give up on Brandon Jacobs? He used to run with such power, such determination, such passion. Defenses used to fear him, used to fear the absolute beat down he was going to lay on them. But now? No one's afraid of him. He tries to dance around people instead of running through them. It's like he thinks he's Barry Sanders all of a sudden, except Barry Sanders never weighed 280 pounds, so that's kind of a problem. But that's not all. Now all of a sudden he's got a major attitude problem because he's 2nd string and has no idea why. Well Brandon, let me tell you why: YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE YOU SUCK. YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE WE PAID YOU ALL THIS MONEY, SO NOW YOU'RE COMFORTABLE AND NOW YOU'RE SOFT. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE SOFT. YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE AHMAD BRADSHAW IS BETTER THAN YOU. There you go Brandon, the reasons why you're second string. Now you know, so now you can stop bitching to the media every five seconds. Start running like a man, and maybe things will change for you. SOFTEE!
Regular Season Week 3 - 9/26: Giants vs. Titans - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
Alright, so bad week 2 against the Colts, let's bounce back against the Titans, right? WRONG. Instead of putting forth a good effort and putting the nightmare that was week 2 behind them, the Giants played one of the most pathetic, undisciplined, embarrassing games I have ever seen in my life. They were absolutely deplorable, if I may use such a word. First, the turnovers. Usually Eli gets intercepted because he throws it right at his receivers hands, but instead of catching it they bump and set it to a defender. This time though, Eli decided it would be a great idea to loft a ball left-handed into the endzone. WHAT DID HE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!?? Then Ahmad's butterfingers reared their ugly head after we had driven all the way down the field to the red zone looking to close the gap and take the momentum. Oye. Now onto the stupid penalties. Ahmad chopped block some fat white guy in the end zone to give Tennessee a safety instead of us being able to keep a 50 yard completion to Mario Manningham. Stupid. Then everyone on the team starting losing their fucking minds!: David Diehl shoves someone to the ground after the whistle. Kareem McKenzie commits 2 personal fouls by jacking up guys after the whistle. Then Antrel Rolle bitch slaps some guy RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REF. Since when is a Tom Coughlin team so damn stupid?! And as if that wasn't bad enough, we took a delay of game penalty... ON A FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT. WHAT??!?! Totally undisciplined, totally pathetic, and completely awful. But wait! There's more.
HOW IN THE WORLD IS LAWRENCE FUCKING TYNES STILL THE GIANTS KICKER?!?! HE IS THE WORST KICKER I HAVE EVER SEEN! HE CAN'T HIT SHORT FIELD GOALS. HE CAN'T HIT LONG FIELD GOALS. HE SOMETIMES MISSES EXTRA POINTS. HIS KICKOFFS ONLY GO AS FAR AS THE 15 YARD LINE. WHAT AM I MISSING?!?!? WHY IS THIS GUY STILL ON THE ROSTER?!??!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! JHADGKLJAGJLNARN;VAINV OINGPIOWEG [OWIRNG QJNB JDFNAVPIO APOASD;KMJKV F JKLV I HATE HIM!!!!!! Please Jerry Reese. Bring in someone! Anyone! A Grandma! A dead person! I DON'T CARE, JUST GET TYNES OUT. (I'd do a picture of him for your viewing pleasure, but if I had to look at Tynes' face right now I think I would stab my eye with a toothpick and then try and ease the pain by pouring orange juice on the wound.)
Antrel Rolle - Shut the hell up.
Tiki Barber - You're such an asshat. People maybe kinda sorta might have started forgiving you for being dick, but then you come out and trash Coughlin again this week? Right before you're going to be at the stadium for your induction in the Ring of Honor this Sunday? Smart move jack ass. Get ready to get the shit booed out of you! Perhaps you should stimulate yourself in front of a minor so you have a legit excuse not to show up, much like our friend LT. The real LT, by the way.
Special Teams - Stop sucking. Seriously.
Giants - Where is the pride? Where is the heart? You're playing like you don't care, like you're just happy to show up and collect a paycheck. Maybe that's true though. Maybe I'm the asshole for thinking that professional athletes care about things like pride. Who knows. But as a fan who pours his heart and soul into rooting for this team because they mean so much to me, I expect a bit more than this putrid shit. Jokes on me I guess!
Time for some water so tomorrow morning doesn't hurt so much. Thanks for bearing with me!
I'm back bitches! And this time, it's not with a Brain Fart, but with a column filled with some of the worst gambling advice you will ever read. Last year when I predicted how every team in the National, Football, League would finish, I'm pretty sure I only got 2 teams right (suck it Ian!). This year I'm shooting for at least 3. Think I can do it? Only time will tell... Remember, just like last year, I went through the schedule and picked every game for the entire season, so these records are LEGIT. On to the picks!
* = Wild Card
AFC EAST
New England Patriots: 12-4 Even though Tom Brady is modeling his hair after Justin Bieber and looks like a douche, he'll probably have a huge year because the Patriots are cheap as shit and won't pay him. Idiots. Plus they have all those cameras on the sidelines stealing signs, so that helps too.
New York Jets: 8-8 Everyone seems to forget that the Jets were handed a playoff berth last year by two teams who couldn't have cared less about the last 2 weeks of the season. Sure they got hot, but the Browns finished the year on a 4 game winning streak too. See anyone picking them to win the Super Bowl this year?
Miami Dolphins: 6-10 They're best pass rusher was a guy signed last year from the Canadian Football League. Eeeee....
Buffalo Bills: 4-12 Speaking of Canada, it's going to be a loooong season in the Great White North this year. Trent Edwards sucks, Buffalovians. Accept it.
AFC NORTH
Pittsburgh Steelers: 13-3 This'll probably come back to bite me in the ass, seeing as Big Ben isn't coming back until Week 6, and even when he does come back, I'm sure the powers that be will make sure that a rapist fails miserably, but Mike Wallace is my jam in Madden 10, so I gotta stick with the Steelers!
Baltimore Ravens: 10-6* Joe Flaccooooo has a bunch of weapons on offense now, and seeing as the biggest one (Ray Rice) went to college in the great state of New Jersey (the greatest state in all the land), the Ravens should be formidable enough on offense to compliment their defense, lead by Ray COUGHCOUGHCOUGHMURDERERCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH Lewis. Sorry. Got an itch in my throat.
Cincinnati Bengals: 8-8 Any team with that cock nugget Terrell Owens is destined for failure. And Cincy-area strippers - watch out! PacMan Jones is in town, and he about to make it rain on yo asses.
Cleveland Browns: 2-14 Any team with the Mangenius as a head coach and Jake Delhomme as it's starting QB is destined to be shitty. The only reason they'll even win 2 games is because they have Phil Dawson, who is the greatest kicker God has ever created. Trust me.
AFC SOUTH
Houston Texans: 12-4 This is the year Matt Schaub and company breakthrough and make it to the playoffs. That is unless new backup quarterback Matt Leinart doesn't screw everything up by inviting Paris Hilton or some other hooker into the locker room for a team BJ that results in all of them acquiring the herp. Tough to play football with an oozing crotchal region you know.
Indianapolis Colts: 12-4* Eli's older brother once again leads the Colts to the playoffs. I wonder if it bothers Peyton that everyone (including his own father) refers to him as Eli's brother...
Tennessee Titans: 9-7 9-7 will be a helluva achievement for the Titans after Chris Johnson blows out his knee in Week 5 because he carried the ball so many damn times last year.
Jacksonville Jaguars: 4-12 This record is God cursing the Jaguars franchise for not drafting His son, Tim Tebow, to play quarterback for them. You brought this upon yourself, Jacksonville.
AFC WEST
San Diego Chargers: 10-6 Who needs Vincent Jackson when you have the official fantasy football sleeper of New Jersey is Clean, Idiots on your team: Malcolm Floyd! He's going to be a stud. Lock it up.
Oakland Raiders: 8-8 Surprisingly, the Raiders front office has been making smart moves this offseason. This leads me to believe that Al Davis is actually dead and the team hired a taxidermist to stuff him and sit him in the owners box. I just wish they'd make him look less like a horrifying sea monster and more like an actual human being.
Kansas City Chiefs: 6-10 Charlie Weis is the new offensive coordinator! And entire offensive line! His playcalling will totally take this offense to the next level, I mean, look at what he did at Notre Dame! Um, wait, eeeeee. This is awkward.
Denver Broncos: 4-12 So bad, I actually forgot to write about this team until I proofread this column and realized they were missing. If that isn't a sign of a shitty team I don't know what is.
NFC EAST
New York Giants: 10-6 I could go on forever writing about the Giants upcoming season, but I'll just leave you with this: The defense should be back to being nasty, and Eli is ready to take it to a level even higher than last year. That and he is impossibly cute. The New Giants Stadium is going to be rocking this year for Big Blue!
Dallas Cowgirls: 9-7 Home Super Bowl Jerry? How 'bout not even making the playoffs! Tony Homo sucks. Wade Phillips sucks. Dallas, well, sucks.
Filthadelphia Eagles: 7-9 The only good things to ever come out of Philly: The Roots and Will Smith. And as we all recall, Mr. Smith had to move to California to finally prosper as a real man.
Washington Redskins: 6-10 Donovan McFagg is the new quarterback thanks to Philly TRADING HIM WITHIN THE DIVISION. Assholes. Washington still sucks though.
NFC NORTH
Green Bay Packers: 12-4 Aaron Rodgers will throw for about 6,000 yards this year, which will make it even more of a shame that I didn't draft him for my fantasy team. Come on Phil Rivers!
Minnesota Vikings: 11-5* Die Brett. Please.
Detroit Lions: 5-11 I was going to mark them down for 11 wins this year, but CC Brown is one of their safeties. He is so shitty, he actually will cost this team 6 wins. Sorry to pile on, Detroit.
Chicago Bears: 4-12 I think Jay Cutler could actually be worse than Rex Grossman, and that is saying a lot, because I think I might actually be better than Sexy Rexy. It's ok Chicago, at least you still have the Cubs! Oh. Jeez. Sorry...
NFC SOUTH
New Orleans Saints: 14-2 No one's going to stop Drew Brees and company from continuing to pile up massive amounts of points. I was going to put them down for 12 wins, but I gave them a bonus 2 for kicking the shit out of Brett Favre in the NFC Championship game last year. Good job boys!
Atlanta Falcons: 10-6* Hotlanta, lead by the fake Matty Ice at QB (the real Matty Ice is of course Matt Saracen of the Dillon Panthers. Duh.), will make the playoffs thanks to a well-rounded offense. That and because visiting teams will be freaked out by how quiet the Georgia Dome is because Atlanta is such a shit sports town and no one is showing up to the games.
Carolina Panthers: 9-7 They got rid of Jake Delhomme, that has to be good for at least a couple of wins, right?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 2-14 There's going to be a severe shortage of canon ball blasts from that ridiculous pirate ship in their stadium this year because the Bucs offense is pretty terrible. I really wish that they would wear those awesome Creamsicle orange throwback uniforms every game however.
AFC WEST
San Francisco 49ers: 9-7 Probably the league's worst division will be won by a team quarterbacked by... Alex Smith? And if he gets hurt... David Carr??? For shame, rest of division. For shame.
Seattle Seahawks: 9-7 Pete Carroll, after breaking every NCAA compliance rule at USC, running the program into the ground and then bailing on them, has the Seahawks going in the right direction and on the verge of the playoffs. Yay 12th Man!
St. Louis Rams: 6-10 I believe in Spags. This team will be better than you think. You won't want to play them with a playoff spot on the line, YOU BEST BELEEE DAT.
Arizona Cardinals: 5-11 Think you're going to be a good team with Derek Anderson as your starting quarterback? HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! I LAUGH IN YOUR FACE ARIZONA! They better pray that Kurt Warner gets eliminated from Dancing with the Stars ASAP so they can drag his old ass out of retirement.
WILD CARD PLAYOFFS
6) Ravens over 3) Patriots 4) Chargers over 5) Colts
3) Giants over 6) Falcons 4) 49ers over 5) Vikings**
** = Brett Favre throws an interception to end his career. Again.
DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS
6) Ravens over 1) Steelers 2) Texans over 4) Chargers
3) Giants over 2) Packers 1) Saints over 4) 49ers
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS
2) Texans over 6) Ravens 3) Giants over 1) Saints
SUPER BOWL XLV
New York Giants over Houston Texans
I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!!! The Giants will not only beat up on their NFC East foes from Texas, the Cowgirls, but they will then beat up on the other team from the Lone Star State! Equal opportunity ass kickings! In the Cowgirls home stadium! It doesn't get much better than that. The Victor Cruz Era in New York begins with an absolute bang as the New York Football Giants are Super Bowl Champions for the 2nd time in 4 years! The entire left side of my body is going numb just thinking about the possibility of this happening. I think I need to see a doctor.
As the title of this post says folks, the long national nightmare of you all having to sit around your fireplaces with bated breathe waiting for me to post something, anything... it is over. And if you didn't have a fireplace to sit by, you were most likely sitting in your bathtub, surrounded by bubbles and engulfed in urine-temperature water, hoping - nay, praying that I posted so that you didn't have to drop the toaster in and end it all. Well sir or ma'am, you can unplug that toaster and get out, because the Brain Fart is back. Wrap yourself in a towel of comfort and safety and enjoy.
Mario Kart for Nintendo 64 is classic. I have both the N64 version and the Wii version, and clearly the Wii version has better graphics and such, but when it comes time for my friends and I to play, we throw on the N64 version. It's too much fun, and it never gets old. That would be all I have to say about that.
Memorial Day we had our annual Beer Golf Tournament, where we form teams of 4, and walk around to 9 different bars in Jersey City and try to shoot the lowest score. It is a perfect tradition, one that I hope we will carry on for many years to come. To score, you have to have a beer for par, 2 beers for birdie, a beer and a shot for eagle, and 2 shots for an ace. It's like a stimulus package for whatever town you live in, especially when you have a group of 30 or so like us, because you end up spending a ton of money as a group. I suggest you try it in whatever town you live in, though if you're lucky and awesome, you like in Jersey City and would just be competing with us. A couple of moments that I remember now that we are 2 months removed: At the Lamp Post Bar in the JC, there is some fat chick with short dark hair who bartends. Suffice it to say she sucked at her job. So we were glad to leave her, but by time we made it to O'Hara's Downtown, she had made it there too because she bartends there as well. It was like the worlds worst and bitchiest bartender was following us around. Another bar we went to was the Golden Cicada, a little hole-in-the-wall dive that is literally a brick box with no windows. It's run (allegedly) by the Chinese mafia (remember, Kobe "allegedly" raped a girl too), and they have this disgusting Chinese Moonshine that tastes like sadness and regret on its way down your throat. It is flat out awful, and they know it too since they don't charge you for the shot and say "Good luck" when they give it to you. It was so bad I tried to puke, and when I couldn't, I stuck my head in a garbage can with someone else's puke so that I would get sick and puke. No such luck. I don't recommend it. Lastly, we iced bros HARD. I'm sure you all know the bros icing bros phenomenon that has taken ahold of this country, and we took it to the extreme, icing each other at every turn. Need it.
The NHL and NBA Finals were pretty tough for me, seeing as both involved teams from Philly and The Nation. Vomit. In the NBA it was the Lakers and Celtics, and seeing as I can't stand Kobe Bryant, it was tough for me to have to root for him seeing as he is a huge douchebag, but I had to. In the NHL, it was Chicago vs. Philly, and we all know how much I despise the city of Filthadelphia, so I rooted for Chicago, which wasn't terrible because I have nothing against that city. Thankfully, both the Lakers and the Blackhawks won, so I didn't have to listen to the two most obnoxious fanbases in history go on and on about how awesome they are, blah blah blah. Maybe next year shitheads! The funniest part for me about the NBA Finals as well was when they were interviewing Ron Artest afterwards, and he thanked his psychiatrist. The NBA. Where Clinically Insane Happens.
The new (though I guess they're not new anymore) State Farm commercials are terrible because of one reason, and one reason only: their spokesman is a douchy tool. You know the guy, half white-half asian dude with the neck length black hair, preaching about how all your neighbors will tell you to go with State Farm. Well he sucks, not only because he sounds annoying, but because he always interrupts the actual State Farm agents who are trying to say shit. So now between him and that annoying bitch from the Progressive commercials, 2 of the most irritating people on television are in insurance commercials. Thankfully, esteemed gentlemen like David Palmer still exist to tell us about All State insurance. Not only is he well-spoken and handsome, but he was the greatest President in this country's history, and I will NEVER forgive that cockbag President Logan for putting out the hit on him and having him killed. President Palmer, your country misses you each and every day. It is an honor and a pleasure getting to see you every once in awhile telling me about All State insurance. Am I in good hands? No actually, I have Progressive, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. DAVID PALMER FO EVA.
My lovely beau made a lovely discovery a few weeks back that I wanted to share with ya'll, and that is a lovely little food spot in the lovely city that is Jersey City. It's called the Kitchen Cafe, and it's at 67 Greene St., right across from those 2 huge green/blueish towers in the Paulus Hook section of the JC. It's a non-descript little shack, and you pretty much have to know it's there, because the words "Kitchen Cafe" and smudged out pretty good on the small white awning. You walk in, and to the left there are a couple crappy little tables and booths, while right in the front of you is the grill with 2 gentlemen of Latin American descent waiting to serve your every culinary need. They do 2 things: Burgers and Burritos. That's it. There is an entire menu of chicken stuff, beef stuff, vegetarian stuff (but who the hell would eat that shit right??), etc., and you just pick what you want and ask for it as a burger or burrito. It is absolutely, flat-out, unequivocally, stupendously, DELICIOUS. The burgers are just perfect, and the burritos are some of the more flavorful Mexican fare I have ever sampled. Do you yourself a favor and head on over to the Kitchen Cafe and treat yourself, and tell them Jersey is Clean, Idiots sent you. Here's their website.
Recently, the New Jersey Beer Company opened its doors to beer aficionados like myself. Now clearly, with the name like that, the beer HAS to be amazing. Really anything with the words "New" and "Jersey" together in it, in that particular order, is incredible. But anyway, at the moment, they are on tap at 3 places in the JC, Star Bar, LITM, and the Iron Monkey, as well as a plethora of other fine imbibing establishments around this great state. They also currently are producing 3 beers, the Hudson Pale Ale, the Garden State Stout, and the 1787 Abbey Single. I haven't had the pleasure of sampling the pale ale, but the stout is very good, ranking right up there with some of the finer stouts this country has produced, and the 1787 (which commemorates the most important year in this country's history - the year New Jersey became a state), is truly a unique brew that seems to blend a hoppy ale with a traditional wheat beer. I'm not really sure if my description is accurate, but either way, it's pretty damn good. Do yourself a favor and swing on over to your New Jersey Beer Company-endowed watering hole and check them out. Here's their website for more info.
A couple of weeks ago I went away on business to the great city of Chicago, IL, one of my favorite cities in this great country of ours. A few observations from my trip:
- They don't call in the Windy City for nothing. Holy shit, I was literally being blown all over the place, and I'm fat. I can't imagine being skinny and having the wind take me out to Lake Michigan, only to be eaten by sharks. Yes, there are sharks in Lake Michigan. Be careful.
- The drive from O'Hare Airport to downtown Chicago (and vice versa) on I-90 is absolutely MISERABLE. I have rarely encountered driving on such a slow moving road (keep in mind I live in New Jersey, where traffic isn't exactly what you'd call free flowing). It takes for-fucking-ever to get back and forth on that road. I left downtown 2 and a half hours before my flight home, and I didn't get to the airport until 5 minutes before boarding, so yes, I was the douche sprinting through the airport, knocking over babies and senior citizens, trying to make my plane.
- The cab drivers there are INSANE. It's like pure anarchy on the roads. I thought there were no rules in the JC (and there aren't), but the cab drivers of Chicago take it to a hole new, ridiculous level.
- Chicago is filled with many fine drinking establishments, and one of the better ones is this placed called Piece, which does 2 things, and does them extremely well: Pizza and beer. That's it. They make authentic New Haven-style pizza, which is some of the best pizza I've ever had in my life, and brew some absolutely phenomenal beers, most of which are fantastic. If you live in the Chicagoland area and haven't checked out Piece, I highly suggest you do so. Website!
I'm sure you've seen the commercials for a product called the Powermat, which supposedly provides wireless charging to your mobile devices, such as the iPhone. Basically you stick their charging thingy on the back of your device, then you just have to lay the device on the mat, and it charges. BUT THAT'S NOT FUCKING WIRELESS, BECAUSE WHEN YOU TAKE IT OFF THE MAT, IT STOPS CHARGING. WIRELESS CHARGING WOULD BE IF YOUR DEVICE CHARGED WHILE BEING IN A CERTAIN AREA, OR JUST CHARGED ANYWHERE YOU WERE ON A WI-FI NETWORK. As it stands with my iPhone, to charge it I plug it in and leave it on my nightstand. With the Powermat, I would put it on the mat to charge, AND LEAVE IT ON MY NIGHTSTAND. WHAT IS THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE?!!? You're stupid if you buy the Powermat. Really stupid.
As you all know, I am a HUGE fan of the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee, aired every year on ABC in primetime. It is the gold standard in athletic competition amongst children of both genders under the age of 13, and every year it just keeps getting better and better. The best part remains that Erin Andrews is the backstage reporter for the event, so you just know that many a young boy at the bee is getting his first bonor while she interviews them. Dr. Bailey, the guy who does the word pronunciation and more or less emcee's the event, is a God. He has a perfect voice, is the perfect persona for the event as prestigious as this one... he is simply The Man. What sucked was that the announcers on ABC for the show kept talking over him. HEY DOUCHEBAGS, SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME ENJOY THE SWEET, DULCET TONES OF DR. BAILEY. I GET TO WATCH THIS ONCE A YEAR. DON'T FUCKING RUIN IT FOR ME!!!! We then discovered that they invited a freakin' Canuck to the event, but thank God she was defeated by our usual array of Indian and Chinese children. At least they live in our great land.
Stephen Strasburg, as you know, is the most hyped pitcher to come into the league in a long time, and trust me when I say this (even though I'm sure you already know), he is absolutely one of the nastiest pitchers I have ever seen in my life. He's making some of the best hitters in baseball look like flailing kindergartners up at the plate. I am so excited for him to come and pitch against the Mets because A) he will absolutely embarrass them seeing as they suck enough already, and B) I get to go see him. He is insanely awesome. He is the New Jersey of Major League pitchers.
Let me pose this query to you, because I sure as hell don't know the answer: How long is Dippin' Dots going to be the ice cream of the future?!?!? For as long as I can remember, dating back to the days when I was but a wee little lad, I've been walking by Dippin' Dots stands and seeing that it is the ice cream of the future. Well Dippin' Dots, guess what - IT'S THE FUTURE NOW! AND YOU'RE NOT THE ICE CREAM STANDARD!!! BITCHES. When you buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's (to not only enjoy great tasting ice cream but to support those damn Dems), what does it look like when you open the lid? ACTUAL ICE CREAM, NOT THOSE FUCKING LITTLE DOTS! Dippin' Dots has been lying to us our entire lives, and they continue to do so to children everywhere. Kids, if you're reading this, don't believe what Dippin' Dots is telling you! They're selling you a bag of lies that if you let get to you will leave you sulking in a corner wondering what could have been as you stare down at your half gallon carton of Breyer's ice cream. For shame Dippin' Dots. For shame.
You know the guy on the highway that flies buy you even though you're going 85 MPH? Well I have a new term for that guy: The Fishing Line. He is The Fishing Line because you cast him out to catch all of the cops in front of you, more or less freeing you up to drive whatever speed you'd like and as recklessly as you like. Want to drive 115 MPH? GO FOR IT! As long as there is The Fishing Line in front of you, the road is yours. Want to tailgate a smaller car, then pass him on the right at 90, then cut off a tractor trailer and slam on your brakes so that he has to go nuts and swerve into the next lane, smashing into a Toyota Prius in the process? HAVE A BALL! As long as The Fishing Line is flying up ahead of you making sure that the cops are preoccupied with him, do whatever the hell you want! God save The Fishing Line.
I'd like to take a moment to salute a few gentlemen who are promoting a worthy cause, one that New Jersey is Clean, Idiots is more than happy to get behind. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Jersey Doesn't Stink. It's a website devoted to fighting the good fight and turning back all of the criticism that our wonderful state gets from outsiders who just don't get how amazing this state really is. So I suggest you sign up on their site and get behind a just and righteous cause. It'll make you feel all warm and tingly on the inside, even more warm and tingly than those little boys at the Spelling Bee do when Erin Andrews is rubbing up against them interviewing them in the tight backstage area.
I am a man. I drive a Ford Focus. And I'm not afraid to admit that the Ford Focus is mostly a chicks car, and that seeing a dude behind the wheel of a Foc is rarer than venturing through Texas and getting a great photograph of La Chupacabra. But there are some self-respecting males out there such as myself who drive this mythical chick-mobile. Now, when motorcyclists pass each other, what do they typically do? They salute each other, or wave, or do whatever macho handshake they have come up with. In that same light, I am proposing this: The Focus Salute. Are you a man who drives a Focus who passes another man driving a Focus on the highway? Salute him! We are a rare breed who need to stick together, so what better way to show our brotherhood than to salute each other as we dominate the roads. Why did I pick your standard salute as this sign of kinship? Because this is America, and Fords are made in America, so what better way to celebrate our minority status than to use one of the most recognizable signs of America. So the next time you're driving down 78 in Jersey in your Focus and you happen to see a mid-20s male in a red '08 Focus, salute me, because you sure as hell know I'm going to salute you!
A couple of weeks back I went to Wildwood, NJ for a little weekend at the shore with my lady. Now, let me all remind you that there is no greater shore on this planet than the shores of the Jersey shore. That goes without saying. However, Wildwood isn't exactly keeping up with the great standard of excellence that such places as Avalon, Belmar, Seaside Heights, and Stone Harbor are maintaining. First of all, let's just say that it's not difficult to find out why many refer to Wildwood by the nickname "Childwood." You could get arrested for statutory rape just by looking at the some of the girls there. Lugo - Stay away. Second, the boardwalk feels like it could fall out from under you literally at any moment. Granted, that could be a good thing seeing as if you fell through and broke your leg into 16 pieces, at least you could sue the town and get rich, but it would hurt a helluva lot. Childwood, clean up your act please. You're dragging us down here.
As a proud alum of the greatest college on the planet, Ithaca College, there are many things about Ithaca that I enjoy and miss tremendously. I miss Moonshadows, though I can never go back there because they have bastardized the shit out of it. It will have to live on in my memories. I miss the Chapter House. I miss Collegetown Bagels. I miss Shortstop subs, the greatest subs on the entire planet. I also miss Wegmen's subs. Yes, Wegmen's is in a lot of places other than Ithaca, but it's nowhere near us here in the JC, so I identify Wegmen's with Ithaca. And believe me when I tell you this: Wegmen's subs are IMMACULATE. Aside from Shortstop, you will never eat a more delicious sub in your entire life. I get the 14 inch Buffalo Chicken Finger Sub with extra wing sauce, provolone, lettuce, and blue cheese. It's so good I cannot describe it with the written word. If you live near a Wegmen's, go get a sub from there right now. Literally. Stop what you're doing and go get one. You will thank me when you're done.
A couple of weekends ago was the New York Brewfest on Governor's Island. There were literally hundreds of breweries from all over the world at one spot, and you were given a 4 oz. sampling glass and the freedom to fill it with whatever beer you wanted, over and over and over again. Suffice it to say sobriety wasn't the word of the day, so it was a ton of fun. Ithaca Brewery was one of the companies there, which was extra cool. This was the first year I had gone to it, but apparently it happens once every year, so you can bet I'll be going again next year, and you should too. You'd also be smart to follow our lead and go to the Pancake Factory in the JC afterwards for breakfast for dinner, or as I like to call it, brinner. There is no better way to end an epic day of drinking than with a huge bacon, egg and cheese pancake wrap. Try to contain the tightening of your pants as I write this. You're most likely in a work environment, and bonors can be embarrassing.
I recently had the chance to watch June 17, 1994, one of ESPN's phenomenal 30 for 30 documentaries. The main reason that I watched it was because that was the day of the Ranger's parade down the Canyon of Heroes after we won the Stanley Cup in 1994, and seeing as the Rangers suck these days, I take any chance I can to relive the good ol' days. But that day also was Knicks-Rockets Game 6 in the NBA Finals, Arnold Palmer's last US Open round ever, the World Cup in the US kicked off in Chicago, and the OJ Simpson Ford Bronco chase happened in LA. It was a day of emotional ups and downs, filled with enough tra - ah, who the hell am I kidding? THE RANGERS WON THE CUP!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!! ONLY 36 YEARS MORE UNTIL OUR NEXT ONE!!!!! I hate Glen Sather. The documentary though was awesome. There were no talking heads, no narration - just archival footage with nat sound alone to tell the story for a whole hour. It 100% worked completely. Really compelling stuff. Check it out if you haven't already.
I love McSorley's, my favorite bar in the entire world, more than you can imagine. You need it more than you need air to breathe. Period. Nothing more needs to be said.
I finally saw Funny People, Judd Apatow's film starring Adam Sandler as a dying comedian and Seth Rogen as his assistant, for the first time a few weeks ago. I had heard mixed reviews for it. Some people thought it was hilarious, others thought it was too artsy for its own good. I have to say it was a little bit of both. Apatow does try to be a little too pretentious for his own good, but at the same time it was pretty hilarious. Actually, it was more or less one huge penis joke, which was great, because penis jokes are always funny, just like poop jokes. Penis and poop = hilarious 100% of the time. So if you like dick jokes, watch Funny People. If you want to see a funny movie, watch Funny People. If it angers you beyond belief when a director tries to be all artsy and shit so that hipsters love him, don't see it. Unless you're a hipster, in which case you'll love it.
Keeping with the movie review theme, the woman and I saw Toy Story 3 not too long ago, and it was just as good as the first 2. I love Pixar movies because they not only are really impressive looking but they're usually written well and are really funny. Toy Story 3 is no exception. Sure it was geared towards kids, as the first 2 were, but just like the first 2 there was enough adult humor that the kids wouldn't be able to figure out to keep us entertained. If you loved the first 2, go see this one. If you hated the first 2, THEN YOU ARE CLEARLY MISSING A SOUL.
My roommates and I recently got Tiger Woods 11 for the PS3. I've never been much of a golf game guy, seeing as I rented Tiger Woods '09 for the Wii a couple years back and it was terrible. But I have to say, this game is pretty awesome. We all got to create our own golfer, then make him better and take him on the PGA Tour. My guy looks like he had a bad chemical accident when he was a child, so he used to get made fun of a lot by his peers, but now he's on the PGA Tour, so he's showing those bullies what's up. The best part of the game is when you play as Tiger Woods, because when you tee off, you can either walk directly to your ball, or stray into the woods where Perkin's waitresses are waiting for you to give you a blow job and a reach around. It's funny because the PS3 controller vibrates when you're getting your asshole touched. So realistic!
So there's this show that I'm not sure anyone has really heard of, but it's pretty cool. You know, pretty standard drama stuff, a couple of compelling characters. It's well written. The acting is really good. You should totally check it out. Season 2 is coming up actually. Here's the trailer for it:
Greetings fellow humans! As promised, I'm back in some sort of groove, so here is my second Monday Morning Brain Fart in 2 weeks! For those of you who just passed out, well... I have nothing to say, because you're currently unconscious. But for those of you who have survived the realization that I'm actually posting again, kudos! Please enjoy the following worthless prose that comes from the diarrhea that ran through my head throughout the past week.
