2009 NFL Preview: PLAYOFFS!? YOU TALKIN' ABOUT... PLAYOFFS?!?

I've got to quickly get my playoff predictions in here so I don't post them after the first game of the season happens tonight and you guys all whine and cry about how I used the game to see how the Steelers and Titans would fare this year. Jerks.

Wild-Card Weekend

Bears over Panthers

Jake Delhomme will throw 7 interceptions in the first game of the playoffs for the Panthers, one-upping his performance from last year in this Bears victory.

Giants over Cardinals

The Road Warriors are at it again as they return to the site of their Super Bowl XLII victory and punish Kurt Warner enough for him to actually retire at halftime.

Colts over Patriots

Peyton Manning, making the offensive play-calls as usual, actually calls the defense in this game too, effectively getting into Tom Brady's head so bad that he calls too many audibles at the line and commits 16 delay-of-game penalties.

Chargers over Ravens

Shawne Merriman chokes out Joe Flacco's girlfriend before the game, therefore throwing him off his game just enough to where the Chargers can eke out the victory.

Divisional Playoffs

Packers over Bears

Aaron Rodgers' scruffy man-beard is too much for Brian Urlacher to handle, as he decides Rodgers is too cute for him to actually sack. Rodgers then throws for 625 yards in the Packers victory.

Giants over Eagles

Michael Vick, the starting quarterback for the Eagles at this point, tries to escape the Giants relentless pass rush by running backwards as far as he can go. This results in a safety in overtime, a Giants win, and one dead Cock-a-poo after the game because Vick is so pissed.

Colts over Titans

Nate Washington can only do so much for the Titans, as is 7 catch, 153 yard performance isn't enough to overcome the Colts defense, which featured Peyton Manning himself at middle linebacker.

Chargers over Steelers

Philip Rivers and company march into Heinz Field and defeat the Steelers. After the game we will learn that the Steelers had too much Primanti Bros. and Iron City Lager the previous night, which is why Ben Roethlisberger was on the shitter instead of the field for the second half.

Conference Championships

Giants over Packers

In a rematch of the NFC Championship 2 seasons ago, the Giants once again emerge victorious when Lawrence Tynes FINALLY hits a field goal in overtime on his 7th attempt at a game-winner. It is a tropical 97 degrees in Green Bay on this day.

Chargers over Colts

There's only so much Peyton Manning can do this time, as Norv Turner's offensive machinations and expert coaching are just too much for the cerebral signal-caller. Apparently Turner had been hiding under the guise of a shitty coach all these years! Tricky bastard!

Super Bowl XLIII

Giants over Chargers

In a battle of quarterbacks that were traded for each other in the 2004 NFL Draft, Eli prevails over Philip Rivers and wins his second Super Bowl MVP trophy. I then become insufferable at this point in my life, and I lose all of my friends.

Breathe it in folks!

2009 NFL Preview: NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles
Record Last Year: 9-6-1
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
What the hell is wrong with me? Am I, a die-hard New York Giants fan, actually picking the Eagles to win the division? I must be coming down with the Ebola Virus or something. Andy Reid needs to lose weight and bail his drug-ridden children out of jail on a regular basis. Donovan McNabb is the most insecure quarterback you will ever see who was benched for Kevin Kolb last year. They signed a backup quarterback, Michael Vick, who tortures and kills small puppies. Brian Westbrook is old and is always hurt. Hank Baskett managed to bag a Playboy model even though he is a shitty receiver. DeSean Jackson spikes the ball when he scores touchdowns before he actually makes it into the end zone. Shawn Andrews is schizophrenic. Stewart Bradley, their best linebacker, is done for the year with a torn ACL. Sheldon Brown is unhappy with his contract. Asante Samuel has a knack for dropping key interceptions. And all of this means they're going to finish 12-4? Excuse me while I pour a pot of boiling water all over my testicles. 

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Michael Vick - If you can't get D.J. Shockley on your team, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to, Michael Vick is your man. He has been the ultimate running quarterback in Madden for years, and since there are no virtual dogs for him to kill in Madden, you never have to worry about him getting arrested or suspended! Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Macho Harris - If Macho's mom named him this, then she has mental problems. But most likely, Macho is a nickname he gave himself and decided to keep as his "first name," because he thinks he's all tough and shit. Well Macho, you're an Eagle. You are not tough.



New York Giants
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Ah, finally. A real team to write about. The New York Football Giants - a man's team, unlike those girly girls in Dallas or Philly. Fresh off our miraculous and incredible victory in Super Bowl XLII over the previously undefeated Patriots, the Giants last year were rolling towards another Super Bowl appearance at 11-1. Many considered them the best team in the NFL, and with the league's best running game and one of it's most dominant defenses, it was hard to argue that point. Then that f-ing idiot Plaxico Burress had to shoot himself, literally weeks after I had bought his jersey, and it was at that point that the Giants' season took a turn for the worse. Plax wasn't having the greatest of statistical seasons, but he was so good that the opposing team's defense always had to double-team him, thereby keeping the safeties away from the line of scrimmage and making it easier for us to run the ball. Without Plax there however, teams would put 8 defenders in the box and dare Eli to throw it, which didn't end up being terribly successful because: 1) we had no playmakers at wideout, and 2) Eli can't really throw in the wind, which is a problem when you play your home games at Giants Stadium. A first round playoff exit was inevitable, and of course happened.

This year, however, the Giants should be back to make another run at a Super Bowl. Osi Umenyiora, who was out all of last year with a knee injury, is back, and with him, Justin Tuck and Mathias Kiwanuka, we have the most feared trio of defensive ends in the game. Quarterbacks league-wide will be peeing themselves when they come to the line of scrimmage in anticipation of them getting their asses kicked by our pass rush. The running game should continue to be great, as Brandon Jacobs returns, only this year with Ahmad Bradshaw as his main sidekick, who is a superstar in waiting. Our only big question though (aside from how shitty Lawrence Tynes is) remains the wide receivers. With Plax currently "making friends" in jail, and Amani Toomer not being brought back after a very distinguished career in Blue, the Giants will rely on any combination of Domenick Hixon, Steve Smith, Mario Manningham, Hakeem Nicks, Ramses Barden and Sinorice Moss to make plays for them. If they can, expect the G-Men to make a run at a Super Bowl. If not... still expect them to make a run. I have faith!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Kenny Phillips - At the fresh-off-the-vine young age of 22, Mr. Phillips is ripe for progression as your starting free safety. With 90 speed and 94 acceleration, which are good numbers for a safety, you can fly all over the field laying the wood or picking off wayward passes. Stud in real life. Stud in Madden. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Eli Manning - I would have gone with fullback Madison Hedgecock for obvious reasons (he he he... he said cock... he he), but Scotty needs a quarterback, and who better than the cutest man in all the world, Eli Manning! He stars in almost as many commercials as his brother Peyton these days, and even though he's not quite the actor his brother is, he's getting better. His 'aw shucks' personality translates well to the small screen, and Scotty loves him.



Dallas Cowboys
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
Dallas sucks. Their owner, Jerry Jones, has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers, and he can't even build a stadium right so that punters don't hit his ridiculous video board. Head coach Wade Phillips is the second coming of Rich Kotite. Tony Romo continuously chokes in the big spot, so they'll never win anything with him. "God's Quarterback" Jon Kitna is the backup, but it rarely seems like he's being guided by a higher power when he's actually playing. Marion Barber can't carry the load for an entire game. Felix Jones can't get on the field. Roy Williams isn't as good as most people think he is. Patrick Crayton talks the most shit I've ever seen for someone who hasn't actually done anything in the league. Keith Brooking could be a grandfather. Bobby Carpenter and his pretty ponytail are both huge busts. DeMarcus Ware isn't as good as Justin Tuck, though everyone thinks he is because he's a Cowboy. Terence Newman is overrated. Maybe 9-7 is too high for them? Who knows, but I'm done writing about them because I hate them. This NFL Preview is purely objective, by the way.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Felix Jones - The speedy running back is a 96 speed with 97 acceleration, which in real-life causes him to pull hamstrings, but lucky for you that's not a problem in Madden! Don't trade for him! He's a freakin' Cowboy!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Igor Olshansky - Scotty always needs someone on his team who sounds like they were the Hunchback's best friend up in the bell tower, or Dr. Frankenstein's hump-backed servent who pulls the switch. Either way, he sounds like he has a hump on his back, so maybe he's like a camel and can go for days and days in intense heat without having to pee.



Washington Redskins
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
The Redskins are one of the most poorly run franchises in sports. Dan Snyder, the owner, thinks that he can run the 'Skins like the Yankees, only he seems to not realize that there is a salary cap in football. Oops! Then this offseason they stooped to new lows when they began suing people who could no longer pay for their season tickets because they had lost their jobs, had gotten sick and had to use the money for medical bills, etc. Real classy, Dan. As far as the team goes, quarterback Jason Campbell must be awesome because they tried to replace him twice this offseason but failed to do so. Clinton Portis wears down over the season and isn't as effective towards the end. Malcolm Kelly is a bust. Devin Thomas is a bust. Antwaan Randle-El isn't actually that good of a receiver even though they pay him like one. Chris Cooley likes to show his wang on the internet. Albert Haynesworth got paid $100 million, and he only plays 50% of the snaps (smart money Dan!). DeAngelo Hall is ridiculously overrated but thinks he's Deion Sanders. All of this adds up to yet another season that will fall short of expectations in the nation's capital. Go Nationals!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
DeAngelo Hall - He may be shitty and overrated in real life, but DeAngelo Hall is a stud in Madden. He has 97 speed and 96 acceleration, and is still only 25 years old, so you can use him for a few years before trading him. But first, trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
No one - This is kind of a let down seeing as it's the last team I'm previewing, but there is actually no one on this team with an interesting/funny/ridiculous enough name to make it onto Scotty's fantasy team, or yours if you draft like Scotty. For shame, Washington.

2009 NFL Preview: NFC North

Green Bay Packers
Record Last Year: 6-10
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
Last year was an interesting one for the Packers, beginning with Mr. Indecision retiring in the off-season after throwing his last pass in a Packers uniform to Corey Webster in the NFC Championship game. Unluckily for Green Bay, Webster plays for the Giants, who went on to win that game (and the Super Bowl, if you needed to be reminded). So Senor D-Bag cried and cried, and all the saps in Green Bay cried with him... until he wanted back in, when head coach Mike McCarthy had already committed to Aaron Rodgers as his starting quarterback. Assface eventually cried his way to the Jets, and the Packers finally began their season with modest expectations because it was Rodgers' first year as starter. Well it turned out that he was fine, but the defense was awful. This year will be different for the Pack, as Rodgers is joined by a finally healthy Ryan Grant and superstar wideout Greg Jennings. The defense should also be vastly inproved, with new defensive coordinator Dom Capers installing a 3-4 defense and bringing in personnel to work in it, such as first-round picks B.J. Raji (the future Gilbert Brown) and Clay Matthews. Green Bay can finally forget about The Traitor and move on with life with Aaron Rodgers putting up huge numbers... until of course he comes to Green Bay in a Vikings uniform.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
B.J. Raji - It always helps to have a big fattie in the middle of your defensive line who can not only stop the run but also take up blockers so you can rush the quarterback with your linebackers, and Raji fits the bill. He's only 23 years old so you can progress him for many years, and he has a 93 strength rating, which is useful for a guy on the line. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Atari Bigby - Cyril Obiozor is the obvious pick here, because what the hell kind of name is that? But it's tough to pass up a guy who's named after your first video game system. Just think of how many hours of joy that were brought to your childhood by your Atari system, and you can reminisce every time you see Mr. Bigby make a tackle.



Chicago Bears
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Da Bears, whose identity is completely about a tough running game and a dominant defense, only had the first of those last year. Rookie running back Matt Forte started and was fantastic last year, despite the fact that Kyle Orton and Sexy Rexy Grossman were the quarterbacks and they had no receivers for them to throw the ball to. The defense, however, was another story. Brian Urlacher regressed and began to look old, perhaps because of injuries, the defensive line wasn't as good as it normally is, and the defensive backfield stopped making the big plays it had grown accustomed to making, also most likely because of injuries. Expect this year to be different. The Bears acquired Jay Cutler to be their franchise quarterback after he whined his way out of Denver, and as long as he makes better decisions and doesn't throw too many interceptions, it won't matter that their best receiver is a converted cornerback (Devin Hester). Urlacher is supposedly the healthiest he's been in a while, defensive tackle Tommie Harris should be back to full strength and all things are pointing to Mark Anderson remembering how to sack the quarterback, so things are lookin' up in the Windy City. Crack open a cold Old Style! Actually don't. It's disgusting.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Devin Hester - This is the easiest call I'll make in this entire NFL Preview. Get Devin Hester on your Madden team. He is a 99 speed and 98 acceleration, so line him up as your kick returner and take no less than 10 back for a touchdown every year. The Stud is a necessity for any successful franchise. I don't know why you're still reading this. Go get him! Actually wait... finish reading my boring dribble, then go and trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Will Ta'ufo'ou - I haven't given Scotty any Samoans recently, so I decided that this guy would be the right time to do so. His completely normal first name is perfectly contradicted with a nearly unpronouncable last name, almost like the way salt and sugar can complement each other perfectly when used right in a culinary treat. The allure of the 2 apostrophes in separate places in one name is something I can barely handle either. How remarkable!



Minnesota Vikings
Record Last Year: 10-6
Record This Year: 10-6

Team Overview:
Last year, the Vikings rode a very good defense and the best running back in football, Adrian Peterson, to a 10-6 record and the NFC North championship. They also did all of this with the pu pu platter of quarterbacks, Gus Frerotte and Tarvaris Jackson. Frerotte is best known for ramming his head into a wall and spraining his own neck while celebrating a touchdown against the Giants in 1997... in a game that ended in a 7-7 tie. Idiot. Jackson on the other hand is not best known for stupidly injuring himself, but merely just for sucking. So the Vikes went out and traded for career backup Sage Rosenfels to be there quarterback. Apparently that wasn't enough for them though, as Brad Childress began flirting like a school girl with the recently retired Gunslinger, who eventually decided he was going to stay retired for the year. But Childress couldn't help himself, and after Rosenfels and Jackson played well in their first preseason game, he went begging on hands and knees to Sir Shits-a-Lot to come back and save them, losing all of his credibility with his players in the process. Predictably the Ass Monkey came back, so now of course everyone is blowing their nuts over how amazing the Vikings are going to be. I say they'll finish with the exact same record, only finish in 3rd this year because the rest of the division, sans Lions, has gotten better. Too bad!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Percy Harvin - 97 speed and 98 acceleration for this 21 year old rookie wide receiver out of Florida make him quite the delightful addition to your Madden franchise. You can use him as a kick returner if you don't have Devin Hester (YOU'RE STUPID IF YOU DON'T), but mostly you can line him up at slot receiver and run go routes and out patterns all day long until the defense finally just gives up and concedes the game to you. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Husain Abdullah - This one was easy. A hallmark of Scotty's fantasy teams, if possible, is always a player named after an evil, murderous dictator, in this case Saddam Hussein. The poor guy never had a choice, and yet he is cursed for the rest of his life with the fact that anytime someone says his name they will think of genocide, torture and sweet mustaches. Awesome!



Detroit Lions
Record Last Year: 0-16
Record This Year: 2-14

Team Overview:
Things couldn't have gotten much worse for the Detroit Lions last year. The offense sucked. The defense sucked. The special teams sucked. They were the first team in NFL history to go 0-16. The city was burning down around them due to the economy. No fans came to the games, and those that did just booed the crap out of them. I'd say the season can be summed up with one play: when QB Dan Orlovsky took a snap with his back against his own endzone, rolled out - and stepped out of bounds without even realizing it, resulting in a safety. Talk about pathetic. But hark! There is hope! The worst GM in history, Matt Millen, was fired, and the savior of the franchise was drafted number 1 overall, quarterback Matthew Stafford out of Georgia. SHOCKER! IT WASN'T A WIDE RECEIVER! He will begin the year as the starting quarterback, and he can expect to get his ass beat on a regular basis, as the Lions still have a loooooong way to go back towards respectability. At least they won't go 0-16 this year again! I think... Sorry this overview was short Lions fan(s), but Jurassic Park is on and I'm too distracted.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Calvin Johnson - I guess I have to pick someone from this team just to give Detroit something to believe in, so I'll make it this beast of a wide receiver. In real life of course he is unbelievably good, perhaps only surpassed by Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald on the wide receiver totem poll, but he's a bit slow for my taste in Madden, with a 95 speed and 94 acceleration, though I don't use my #1 receivers too much anyway. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Gosder Cherilus - Because Scotty can never have enough offensive lineman, and because Gosder is a sweet name. To me, the name reminds me of a super redneck teenager who loves NASCAR, shoots squirrels with a bee-bee gun, has been chewing tobacco since he was 12, only has 6 teeth and loves wrasslin' with wild boars in his free time. Yeeeeeeee haw!

2009 NFL Preview: NFC South

Carolina Panthers
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Carolina had quite the eventful year last year, beginning with star wide receiver Steve Smith (the lesser of the 2 Steve Smiths of course) pretending that cornerback Ken Lucas' face was his own personal punching bag, earning himself a 2 game suspension in the process. But then things got better as Carolina unleashed their 2-headed running back monster on their opponents and steamrolled to the NFC South title. DeAngelo Williams and rookie Jonathan Stewart were that monster, and combined to help Panther fans forget that Jake Delhomme is not really that good of a quarterback. He did a good job of reminding us though when he threw 6 interceptions in their divisional playoff game loss to the Arizona Cardinals. So what did the Panthers do? Give Delhomme a fat new contract of course! Eeeeeaaasy money! They'll be hoping for more of the same this year by continuing to do their best impression of an NFC East team: by combining a great running game with a stout defense, which they have with players like Julius Peppers, Everette Brown, and Jon Beason. And their head coach is an ex-Giants defensive coordinator, so they must be great.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Jon Beason - Many would be tempted by the seductive speed of Steve Smith (the lesser of the 2 Steve Smiths of course, just to remind you), but he's already 30 and, as far as I'm concerned, useless in Madden except to use as trade bait. Get Beason, who's already a 92 overall at middle linebacker at 24 years old. Play him, progress him... love him. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Captain Munnerlyn - I always think it's hilarious when guy's first names are some sort of official title. Like, what parent is sitting their thinking, "My son is gonna to be SO AWESOME, that I'm gonna name him King so that he is referred to as such by his peers, biatch!" Apparently, Captain's mom had these same thoughts.



New Orleans Saints
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 10-6

Team Overview:
The New Orleans Saints were an offensive juggernaut last year, mainly because Drew Brees put up passing numbers that are rarely seen in this league anymore, coming within 1 completed pass of breaking Dan Marino's all-time record for passing yards in a season. It was made even more impressive by the fact that Reggie Bush and Marques Colston were hurt all the time, and Jeremy Shockey continued to prove to all of us that he is a vastly overrated headcase (though he wasn't while he was a Giant, mind you). So you would think that they would win a ton of games by putting up all of these points, right? Wrong! The defense was nothing short of atrocious, and that's me being kind here. They're hoping that changes this year by bringing in Gregg Williams at defensive coordinator to whip them into shape. But no matter how good or bad the defense is, you know Drew Brees and company are going to put up huge numbers year in and year out, and they should be good enough to lead the Saints to a 10-6 record and the brink of the playoffs.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Reggie Bush - He may be soft and shitty in real life, but trust me when I say this, you need Reggie on your Madden team. He has a 97 speed and 98 acceleration, and a fast running back is a necessity in Madden. He is especially good on screens and swing passes, so run him out of the backfield 1-on-1 with a linebacker and run to daylight. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Will Smith - Will Smith is on the Saints!?! I had no idea he was such a dual threat! I mean, I LOVE him in his movies! Independence Day was awesome! Men in Black was epic! Bad Boys was incredible! Hitch was funny and smart! And The Pursuit of Happyness almost made me cry! And he plays football?!?! HE IS SO AWES... wait, what? This isn't THE Will Smith? This is merely a mediocre-at-best defensive linemen? Oh, nevermind then.



Atlanta Falcons
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 8-8

Team Overview:
First off, let's get one thing straight. Matt Ryan, quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, is not the real Matty Ice. Matt Saracen, the just-graduated quarterback of the Dillon Panthers, is in fact the true Matty Ice. Just pop in the season 1 DVDs for Friday Night Lights and you'll know what I'm talking about. Anyway, Matt Ryan did last year what rookie quarterbacks often do not do - win. He was steady throughout the year, put up some good numbers, and rarely made bad mistakes in leading the Falcons to a surprising 11-5 record and the playoffs. This year they'll be looking to improve on their success, and made a big move to acquire future Hall-of-Famer Tony Gonzalez from the Chiefs to give Ryan another weapon on offense along with stud running back Michael Turner and wide receiver Roddy White. The defense will also look to build on the solid year they had last year, which was made possible in part because the defensive coaches did a great job of keeping defensive end John Abraham fresh, so when he was on the field he was constantly in the quarterback's face. Jets fans have no idea what that looks like.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
D.J. Shockley - If there was ever a time in your life that you listened to me, make that time right now. Yes, D.J. sucks in real life and has never seen the field in a regular season game. And yes, he is a 42 overall in Madden. But he is a fast running quarterback, which you always need in Madden, and since he sucks so bad, you barely have to pay him anything, which helps your cap situation. Still need more convincing? He is my quarterback in my franchise, and I never lose. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. And trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Jamaal Fudge - There is of course the obvious use of the word fudge, which is when you want to say the f word but are conscious about censoring yourself when in public or in the presence of minors. But the use I'm more concerned with here is the delicious, chocolatey treat that makes me jump for joy. Yes that's right, chocolatey. There is no other fudge other than chocolate fudge. Vanilla fudge? BITCH PLEASE.



Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 1-15

Team Overview:
It's been all down hill for the Bucs ever since they lost to the G-MEN in the wild card round of the playoffs 2 years ago, which of course was the year my Giants shocked the world and won the Super Bowl!!! (oh boy, there I go again.... aaannnnd I'm good. Moving on). Coach John Gruden couldn't decide on a quarterback, shuffling between Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese all year, and the defense wasn't as stout as it normally has been in past years. Because of all this, Chucky is now the 3rd man in the ESPN Monday Night Football booth because he got kicked to the curb by Bucs ownership. In his place is 32 year old Raheem Morris, who was the Bucs defensive backs coach last year. He has never been a head coach at any level, nor has he even been a coordinator at any level. Many people view him as the next Mike Tomlin, but remember that Tomlin took over a very good Steelers team with a lot of talent. Morris is taking over a team bereft of talent. Their quarterback this year will most likely be Byron Leftwich, who is slower than a fatter, obese version of me, and the defense has seemingly lost all of the playmakers that it was known for in the past, with the exceptions of Barrett Ruud and Ronde Barber. At least they signed Derrick Ward from the Giants, who is AWESOME and will be the only reason they will win 1 game instead of 0. It's going to be a looooooong year by the Bay this year.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
The Equipment Manager - There is absolutely no one from this team that I would want on my Madden franchise. There is no speed. There are barely any players breaking a 90 overall. It's pretty bleak. So I figured I would take their equipment manager so that my Madden team will never have to worry about whether or not their jerseys are clean or their facemasks are attached to their helmets correctly. That's important right? Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Stylez White - Stylez?!?! Really? These parents need to be stopped. There are ridiculous names, and then their are names like Stylez. What if poor Stylez doesn't have any sense of style? The kids will make fun of him non-stop because he would be a walking oxymoron: a guy name Stylez who has no style. It just doesn't make sense, which of course makes him perfect for Scotty's team.

2009 NFL Preview: NFC West

Arizona Cardinals
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
The Cardinals, perennially one of the worst franchises in the league, got into the playoffs last year based solely on the fact that they play in the NFC West, one of the weakest divisions in the NFL. This is when the magic ensued, however, and they made it all the way to the Super Bowl, where they eventually lost to the Steelers is a game that was not as good as the Super Bowl that preceded it. They were led by Kurt Warner, whose wife no longer has that man haircut, and the best wide receiver duo in the NFL in Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Those 3 return this year, but it doesn't mean they're going to be a better team. Warner is another year older, and if he gets hurt, their quarterback will be a guy who's known more for sniffing coke out of hooker's asses than being good at throwing the football to guys on his own team. Fitzgerald is on the cover of Madden this year, so you know that he's screwed. Boldin is still angry about his contract, not to mention he's been battling a hamstring injury this whole preseason, and the defense has a few standouts, such as Karlos Dansby and Adrian Wilson, but it is decidedly mediocre. All of this adds up to another 9-7 season, but another playoff berth because of the crappy division they're in.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie - His cousin Antonio is already on this team, so why not put him on the other side of the field? He's only 23 years old and has 96 speed and 97 acceleration, so you can progress him into one of the elite cornerbacks in the game in no time. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Jerheme Urban - I thought about putting Deuce Lutui here, because his first name is the same word as the very act of taking a crap (poop jokes are always funny, remember). But I just had to put Jerheme here, and it's not because of the ridiculous spelling of a common name such as Jeremy. It's because we were watching the Cardinals one day and he made a catch, and we just assumed his name was Karl Urban. No, not Keith, the country music superstar, but Karl, the B-List actor who has been in quite a few movies. Go Karl!



St. Louis Rams
Record Last Year: 2-14
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
I'd say things couldn't have gotten worse for the St. Louis Rams last year, but the Detroit Lions happened, so 2 wins really ain't that bad! The Rams just suffered from a severe lack of talent, as well as a severe lack of good coaching. They began the year with Scott Linehan at the reigns, but he was so bad that they replaced him with Jim Haslett, who bye now has proven to all of us that he should never be put in charge of an NFL team, hence why he is coaching in the new United Football League this year. As for the players, Marc Bulger was injured and ineffective, the defense was pretty bad, and they're best player, Steven Jackson, was either hurt or running behind a crappy offensive line, thereby ruining my fantasy team. But hark! The savior has arrived! Steve Spagnuolo, who turned the Giants defense into one of the NFL's best the past 2 years, is the new head coach, and with him comes an intensity for the game that Rams' fans haven't seen from their team in years. I think that intensity will result in a few more wins, and the defense and offensive line will certainly be better, but there still is a dearth of talent on this roster, so they're still a few years away from relevance.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Tye Hill - Though a failure in real life, Tye Hill can be a great asset for your Madden team. He's already 27 years old, but with his 97 speed, you can use him as your nickel cornerback and blitz him off the edge on every play. Trust me. I torture Rory with Hill alllll the time. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
C.J. Ah You - Not only is this a name you don't see every day, month, year, decade or century, but it's also a phrase useful in everyday life. Who was it who ate the last cookie out of the cookie jar? Ah, you! Who made this delightful roasted duck? Ah, you! Who needs this guy on his fantasy team because of his versatile name? Ah, you!



Seattle Seahawks
Record Last Year: 4-12
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
My dear friend Ian's beloved Seadogs had a pretty rough year last year. It was coach Mike Holmgren's final year, as he was retiring (for now) after a fairly successful career, so you would have thought that they would want to send off their coach in grand fashion. Well, the three players on the team who didn't get injured weren't able to do so. Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck had a bad back (that's a lot of backs in one sentence) and rarely played. Julius Jones was their best running back (enough said), and so many of their wide receivers got hurt that their starters were guys named Jordan Kent and Logan Payne, and even they got hurt too. Then on top of all of that, their normally stout defense turned into a light lager. Get it?! Stout?! Lager?! HAHAHAHAHA I AM HILARIOUS! Anyway, things have the possibility of turning around this year. Matt Hasselbeck is healthy again, but that status is always tenuous. They also signed TJ Houshmandzadeh at wide receiver, a position that's also getting Nate Burleson and Deion Branch back. If the defense remembers how to actually stop anyone, they could give Arizona a run for their money in this division, but if they don't, it could be another long year in the Pacific Northwest.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Aaron Curry - The young stud outside linebacker from Wake Forest isn't a good pass rusher in real life, but you can certainly get to the quarterback with him in Madden. With 86 speed and 90 acceleration, just line him up outside your defensive end and watch the opposing quarterback beg for mercy. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Lofa Tatupu - The Seahawks starting middle linebacker is a great player, but that's not why Scotty would want him on his team. He wants him because his name is great fun to say! Lofa! Tatoooopooooo! Say it with me!



San Francisco 49ers
Record Last Year: 7-9
Record This Year: 3-13

Team Overview:
The 49ers were another team from this division who fired their coach partway through last season, when Mike Nolan was shown the door and replaced by NFL and staring-contest legend Mike Singletary. Singletary marked his debut at coach by dressing-down (in the non-sexual way) tight end Vernon Davis on the sideline after he had dogged it on the field. He actually sent him to the locker room, depriving the 49ers of his services for the rest of the game. Actually, on second thought, that may be a good thing as Davis sucks. Then Singletary proceeded to moon his team during a halftime speech, which I think is funny, but the NFL frowned upon. Oh yeah, they played football too, which wasn't really that good either. And it's going to get worse this year, as you can see from my prediction for their record. They're starting quarterback is Shaun Hill, who is a backup at-best on most other teams in this league, and their number 1 pick, Michael Crabtree, apparently thinks he is above the system and wants to get paid as a top 5 pick even though he was picked at 10. Idiot. They also have a built-in curse on their team in linebacker Takeo Spikes, who has NEVER made the playoffs in his 12 years in the NFL. Patrick Willis looks like a future Hall-of-Famer at linebacker, and Frank Gore is a really good running back if he stays healthy, but that's about it for this team. Another dreary season by the bay is on tap.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Patrick Willis - Like I said above, Willis so good at such a young age that he looks like a future Hall-of-Famer. He's only 24 years old and is already a 98 overall. He has 90 speed and 96 acceleration, which is ridiculous for a linebacker. You should get about 70-80 sacks a season with him. Also, he's so fast you can easily block punts with him. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Bear Pascoe - Slim-pickins on this team for guys with funny names, so we'll go with old Bear here for Scotty's team. Saying the name makes me think of an uber-redneck white dude who loves hunting, deer jerky, Busch beer, and NASCAR. Well low and behold, he is white. As for all that other stuff I said, who knows. But a guy can dream right?

2009 NFL Preview: AFC East

New England Patriots
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
As much as it kills me to predict any success whatsoever to any team from the Nation, it's hard to find a reason why the Patriots won't win the AFC East this year. Last year began ominously when Bernard Pollard of the Chiefs did us all a favor and took out Tom Bundchen's knees, which resulted in him being out for the whole year. In stepped Matt Cassel, who hadn't started a football game since pee wee or something, and he promptly lead them to an 11-5 record. But... they missed the playoffs! HAHAHAHAHA! And all that after they lost the greatest Super Bowl ever! MWHAHAHAHA!!! Hold on, thinking of Super Bowl XLII gets me all moist... ok, I'm good now. Anyway, Bundchen is back this year to throw for 8,000 yards to Randy Moss and Wes Welker, and the defense has its most important players back and will be very good. And of course, they have everyone's favorite curmudgeon at head coach, Bill Belichick. He may look and dress like a homeless man, and the coaches who have learned under him all seem to become shitty head coaches, but even I'll admit he's a helluva coach. Things should be back to normal in the Nation this year, at least as far as football goes. Hopefully the Sawx miss the playoffs though!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Jerod Mayo - Randy Moss is really fast, but is too old and therefore cannot be progressed at all. If you have him, trade him for high draft picks. But Mayo is only 23 and is already an 88 overall at middle linebacker. Give him 2 seasons of playing time and he'll be a 95+ overall. Also, he's an 85 speed and 92 acceleration, which is really good for a linebacker. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
BenJarvus Green-Ellis - I gave thought to the Rabbi Julian Edelman for Scotty's pick, but I decided a guy who has 4 names in just his first and last names is too great to pass up. And not only does he have 4 names, but his name contains the whole name of another player on the Patriots, Jarvis Green. A rare find, indeed, and someone you need on your fantasy team. I wonder what his middle name is. Hopefully it's something like LarryLaBrandon.



Buffalo Bills
Record Last Year: 7-9
Record This Year: 7-9

Team Overview:
Congratulations Buffalo! You're going to finish in second place this year! Unfortunately that second place finish will mean a 4th straight year of finishing 7-9 with no playoff appearance, which also means bye-bye Dick Jauron. The big story of the off-season of course was the signing of Terrell Owens after he was exiled from Dallas for being an idiot who drops too many passes. The city of Buffalo, and Toronto for that matter, are hoping that his playmaking skills can make the offense hit another gear and actually score points consistently this year. Unfortunately Owens will be the only guy drawing any attention from the opposing team's defense in the first 3 weeks because Marshawn Lynch is suspended for being one of the ugliest dudes in the league. Wait, it was for a gun charge? Oh, well at least he didn't shoot himself in the thigh. Anyway, the defense should be solid, especially since Paul Posluszny is back from his injuries that kept him out all of last year, and they have a young, speedy secondary. Buffalo is also one of the toughest places to go play during the winter months because the weather is so atrocious, so they're always able to steal some wins based on home-field advantage alone. Too bad it won't be enough wins to save the head coach's job.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Brian Moorman - A punter you say? YOU DAMN RIGHT. Not only is he a great punter, but he has a 90 speed rating. 90 speed for a punter?! Insane! You can run fake punts all day long with him and keep your opponent guessing. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Ataefiok Etukeren - Ummmm, what? I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce this name, other than to sound like a drunk, mildly retarded 5 year old, or a Philadelphia Eagles fan, whichever you prefer. This of course makes him perfect for Scotty's fantasy team!



New York Jets
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 6-10

Team Overview:
Last year started so promisingly for the New York Football Jets. They opened their brand-new headquarters in Florham Park, NEW JERSEY, then they signed The Gunslinger, who lead them to an 8-3 start. Talk of the Jets going to the Super Bowl was running rampant on all New York sports talk radio. Jets fans were actually content to sit in their seats and watch football at GIANTS Stadium rather than go to Gate D and see boobies. Life was good. Then from there, it was all down hill. The Gunslinger got hurt and started throwing interceptions left and right, and the defense began to give up points in bunches. It was all too much for Jets fans to handle, so they went back to the boobies. But alas, there is hope. Eric Mangini was fired as head coach and was replaced by Rex Ryan, the defensive coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens. Then they drafted their quarterback of the future, Mark Sanchez (sorry Brett Ratliff). They also have one of the most dangerous weapons in the NFL in Leon Washington. Things are looking up! Sanchez will be the starter in his rookie year, so the Jets better hope their defense plays really well, which I believe it will. Maybe Vernon Gholston will even get more than 1 tackle this year! But as we all know, rookie quarterbacks struggle when thrown directly into the fire (Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco are the exception, not the rule), so this year could be rough for Sanchez and the Jets. The future here is bright, however.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Nick Mangold - Every Madden team needs a center to actually snap the ball to your quarterback, and Mangold is just the guy for the job. He's only 25 years old and is already a 94 overall, so in 2 years or less of franchise play he'll be a 99. Plus, his last name is the combination of MAN and GOLD. It's a combination that can't be beat. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Danny Woodhead - There are only so many Samoans you can have on your team, so I decided to rule out Sione Pouha and Ropati Pitoitua on this one. So I decided to go with Danny Wood.... head..... he he he, chuckle, chuckle, harumph, harumph, guffaw! Yeah I know I'm immature.



Miami Dolphins
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
Last year was one of happiness, sunflowers, puppies and frolicking in the fields for Dolphins fans. Coming off of a disheartening 1-15 season, the Dolphins fired everyone and hired Bill Parcells to run the organization, and Tony Soprano to coach the team. They then broke out the Wildcat formation on the NFL's asses and rode that, along with steady, turnover-free play from Chad Pennington and a very good defense to an 11-5 record and the AFC East title. Then in the draft, they picked quarterback Pat White out of West Virginia, solely because he is the perfect Wildcat quarterback. So you would think that things could only get better right? WRONG. I think the Wildcat is a gimmick offense that won't last in the NFL, and now that there is a ton of tape on it, defensive coordinators will have it figured out in no time, if they haven't figured it out already. Defenses in the NFL are too fast and athletic to continuously be fooled by fake hand-offs and option runs. And when the Wildcat doesn't work, they have the ridiculously weak-armed Pennington to throw the ball around. Smells like a dose of reality for Dolphins fans and a last place finish for the team.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Pat White - We all know that any successful Madden franchise begins with a fast, running quarterback, and they don't get much better in the game than Pat White. With 87 speed and 92 acceleration, you can run around with him all day and wait for someone to get open, scramble for long touchdown runs, or just run the Wildcat. Plus he doesn't rate well overall, so he won't count much against your cap. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Yeremiah Bell - The silent J is a common occurrence in the English language, especially when it comes to the names of people of Latin descent. It is rare, however, that a mom actually decides to phonetically spell out the silent J, which was apparently the case here when little Yeremiah emerged from the womb. Maybe his mom though he was going to be an idiot, so when he needed to spell his name he could just sound it out and be okay. Good strategy mama!

2009 NFL Preview: AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
The defending Super Bowl champs are looking poised for a repeat this year, as long as Ben Roethlisberger remembers to wear his motorcycle helmet, of course. Every key player from the best defense in the NFL is back, most importantly reigning Defensive Player of the Year James Harrison. Harrison as you know declined to go to the White House to visit the President after they won the Super Bowl because, in his words, "The President would have invited the Cardinals if they had won," therefore disrespecting him. Really James? I hope you didn't hurt yourself coming up with that insight. Anyway, the offense took a big hit in the offseason with the loss of Nate Washington (number 85 in your playbooks, number 1 in your hearts), so they'll be hoping that fan-favorite Limas Sweed can step up and take his place. And of course by fan-favorite, I mean the only player on the Steelers Pittsburgh fans actually don't like. The same shitty offensive line is returning this year as well, so that could be a problem. They should overcome that though and win the division.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Troy Polamalu - He is a 99 overall, with 93 speed and 95 acceleration, which is phenomenal for a safety. The only problem is he's already 28 years old, which is a little old for Madden so you won't be able to make him too much better. That's ok though because he'll still be a 99 in 2 or 3 years, so you can trade him for a first round pick and some other considerations. He also has those beautiful, flowing locks that are essential to any team's chemistry. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Willie Colon - We all know that poop jokes are always funny, so this was an easy choice. One of the organs in the body that help create poop is of course the colon, which happens to be Willie's last name, obviously. Plus, Scotty needs an offensive line for his fantasy team, so Willie is an easy pick. POOP! POO-POO! POOPY!!



Baltimore Ravens
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
The Ravens were a disputed Santonio Holmes touchdown away from winning the division last year, so they'll be looking to un-seat the Steelers in 2009. Don't count on it! Pittsburgh is just a bit better than they are, though it is hard to find a flaw with this team. Joe Flacco, who is blessed with one of the great unibrows you will ever see in life, is in his second year as the starting quarterback, and should be better than last year. The ground game will be lead by the Pride of Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, Mr. Ray Rice. He's a short guy, but he packs quite the punch along with being able to hit the whole with blazing speed. But the fact that he went to college in New Jersey should tell you enough about how awesome he is. Derrick Mason ended his 14 minute retirement to give them a legit receiver, and the offensive line is solid. Their vaunted defense is of course lead by God's linebacker, the Good Reverend Ray Lewis, who may or may not have killed a man a few years back. But he loves God, so it's all good. Defensive coordinator Rex Ryan left to become the head coach with the New York Jets, which could turn out to be a big loss, but I anticipate them overcoming it.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Ed Reed - Like Troy Polamalu, Ed Reed is a 99 overall at safety, with 93 speed and 94 acceleration, which is great. But he's already 30 years old, so use him for one year, then trade him for a first round pick and other speedy players to build your team around. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Haruki Nakamura - Scotty always stocks his fantasy baseball teams with Japanese players because of their fun-to-say names, so the allure of a player of Japanese origin is just too great for him to pass up here. You won't find too many Asian players playing professional football either, so this pick also makes for a nice novelty item!



Cincinnati Bengals
Record Last Year: 4-11
Record This Year: 7-9

Team Overview:
Ever since the days of Boomer Esiason at quarterback ended, the Bengals have been an embarrassment of a franchise. They are run by a completely inept owner, Mike Brown, who also serves as their equally inept general manager. It's a method of team management that has proven over the years to be completely unsuccessful, but he continues on, unwilling to bite the bullet and hire someone as general manager who actually knows one or two things about football. But I digress. This team will only go as far as Carson Palmer goes, and even that may not be terribly far as he has been consistently injured over the last few years. Their first round pick, left tackle Andre Smith, is holding out of camp, probably because he thinks he needs more money so he can cover the cost of bras for those monstrous man boobs of his. They do still have the always fun-to-watch Chad Ochocinco at wide receiver, but that's really it in the way of talented players. The defense also isn't that good, so there isn't much hope for this team. So why did I pick them to improve over last year and win 7 games? Because they're featured on HBO's Hard Knocks of course and they are ridiculously entertaining to watch. Child please!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
No one - They don't have a single person of this team you would want for your Madden franchise. Not a single player is above an 89 overall, so you wouldn't be able to trade anyone for anything worthwhile. I suppose you could grab cornerback Johnathan Joseph because of his 95 speed, but as far as I'm concerned, that's too slow. He's a 5th cornerback at best on my team. Don't trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Frostee Rucker - I was going to go with Fui Vakapuna, because, let's be honest, who wouldn't want Fui Vakapuna on their fantasy team? But then I noticed that the Bengals have a player who is named after a delicious treat from Wendy's! Just looking at Frostee's name evokes the images of spooning chocolate heaven into your mouth while you throw down a classic double. A taste of heaven.



Cleveland Browns
Record Last Year: 4-12
Record This Year: 2-14

Team Overview:
The fans of Cleveland didn't think it could get much worse than last year, but guess what Cleveland?! It does get worse! And the number 1 reason this is the case is because they hired the "Mangenious" as their head coach. Stupid! I watched for three years as Mangini made bad decision after bad decision as coach of the Jets, driving my roommate Rory and our buddy Jeremiah to the brink of suicide. He is an awful coach. Enjoy the Mangini Era Cleveland! As for the players, their quarterback will either be a guy who has drank more Myoplex shakes than the amount of actual steps he has taken on a professional football field, or a guy who looks like Goofy. Their best wide receiver has a bad case of the dropsies, and their second best wide receiver drove drunk and killed a man this offseason. I'm looking over their roster right now, and it is not pretty. There are a handful of talented players, including the best kicker in the history of the game (who I'll discuss below), but there's only so far a great kicker can get you. This is ugly. I would hate myself and my life if I was a Cleveland Browns fan. I only wish they would have brought in Michael Vick, because the idea of Vick playing in front of the Dawg Pound is high comedy indeed.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Joe Thomas - The Browns first round pick from 2 years ago at left tackle is already a 97 overall at the age of 24. He is the perfect left tackle to build your offensive line around, and it'll be about 5 weeks into your first season before he'll be a 99 overall. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Phil Dawson - Every fantasy team needs a kicker, and this is the kicker you want. As I learned in old Madden franchises, Phil Dawson is the greatest kicker in history. Not just in the history of football though, but in the history of every sport that involves kicking a ball. He would be playing for Manchester United right now if he had taken up soccer, but instead, they've already made a bust for him at the Football Hall of Fame, because it is a guarantee he makes it. Just draft him and watch the points pile up.

2009 NFL Preview: AFC South

Tennessee Titans
Record Last Year: 13-3
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
The Titans won the division last year behind the strength of an overwhelming defense, a superb running game, and steady quarterback play from Kerry Collins, a man I will always have a soft-spot in my heart for (he quarterbacked my Giants to their appearance in Super Bowl XXXV, a game whose result we need not discuss - but hey! We'll always have 41-0). Anyway, mostly all of the players from last year return, with the notable exception of defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, who - go figure! - the Redskins decided to grossly overpay. Because of this, I fully expect them to defend their title. Another reason they'll defend is because they have the next black quarterback to win a Super Bowl, and a future Hall-of-Famer... on their bench. Those are of course the words of the immortal Vince Young, who seems to think rather highly of himself for a guy whose career has been an unmitigated disaster ever since he was drafted, and who was not only thinking of quitting the game last year, but allegedly was clinically depressed. Titans fans: better hope Kerry stays healthy and away from the sauce!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Chris Johnson - 99 speed and 98 acceleration for a 23 year old are the only stats you need to know about this burner. Running backs are useless in Madden unless they are fast as hell, and Johnson is fast as, well, hell. Believe me, hell is fast. Send him out on a swing pattern and watch him burn linebackers all day long. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Nate Washington - "Steve, there is nothing funny or ridiculous about Washington's name!" is most likely what you're thinking right now. And you're right. But if you are like Scotty E., then you know that he has an absurd man-crush on the man he lovingly refers to as "Nate Wash." He owns a Nate Wash Steeler's jersey. I guarantee he's the only person in the world other than Nate Wash's mama who owns that jersey. It's sick on some levels, but admirable on others.

Indianapolis Colts
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
Yeah I know, I picked the Titans to have the same record as last year, and now I'm picking the Colts to have the same record as last year as well. But trust me, I'm right, and like I said before, you can take it to Vegas. But anyway, despite their 12-4 record last year, it seemed like the Colts had somewhat of a down year. Eli's older brother Peyton was NFL MVP, but he needed to be, because the offensive line was suspect, the running game was mediocre at best, Marvin Harrison played like he was 89 years old, and the defense was soft, as usual. This year things should be different. They'll be a better 12-4, if that makes any sense. They drafted Donald Brown out of UConn to help with the running game, Anthony Gonzalez has taken over for Marvin Harrison, and they have signed a bunch of fatties to play defensive tackle so teams don't run all over them like they have in the past. But of course, Peyton is so good, he could quarterback an Arena League (too soon?) team to a 10-6 record in the NFL, so expect the Colts to be in the playoffs.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
No one - There is literally no one on this team that you need for your Madden franchise. Peyton Manning is slow, and running quarterbacks are always better. Dwight Freeney is too old, so you can't progress him at all. Same with Bob Sanders. Cornerback Tim Jennings is fast, but he couldn't catch a soft pillow, and Reggie Wayne is slow for a receiver. So I recommend nobody.

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Michael Tauiliili - Any time you can fit that many i's into the end of a last name, you are a shoe-in for Scotty's fantasy team. I would venture a guess at this guy being from Hawaii, but he went to Duke, so who the heck knows. Ridiculous name, and it's going to take me a while to figure out how the hell to even pronounce it.

Houston Texans
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
The Texans have been a tease for a couple of years now. Every year, the "experts" pick them to take the big step forward and contend for the playoffs. And every year for the past 2, they've finished 8-8, the pinnacle of mediocrity. Well trust me when I say, that this is the still not the year where they will contend for the playoffs, but instead breakthrough that pesky 8-8 barrier to finish exactly 1 game better. Baby steps! QB Matt Schaub can never seem to stay healthy, but they better hope he does this year, because the 2 backups are Dan Orlovsky, who is most famous for accidentally running out of the back of the endzone for a safety last year with the Lions, and Rex Grossman, who just plain sucks. Luckily for them, whoever is at QB gets to throw to Andre Johnson, who is an absolute monster, and hand it to Steve Slaton, who is a stud at running back. Also, that pick of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and Vince Young is looking better and better everyday.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Mario Williams - The 24 year old defensive end is already a 95 overall, with 84 speed and 94 acceleration, which is nasty speed for a guy at his position. It's a guarantee that he'll be a 99 overall after 1 year of your franchise. Line him up at right defensive end and watch the sacks pile up. He's a guy you can build your defensive line around and kick some serious ass with. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Rex Grossman - I would have said linebacker Toddrick Verdell, because it's not everyday you see a first name like Toddrick, but Scotty needs a QB for his team, so Rex it is. You just can't resist a guy on your team with the nickname "Sexy Rexy," who also can be called a Gross Man merely because his great grandparents were too dumb when they got to Ellis Island and refused to change their last name. Ouch.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Record Last Year: 5-11
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
Yep, Jacksonville is the third team in this division I am picking to have the same record as last year. Not too many things are going to change I guess. But either way, it's hard to see how Jacksonville is going to be better this year. QB David Garrard had a great season in 2007, so they signed him to a huge contract, and it turns out he really isn't that good. Surprise! Major props to Mr. Garrard for fooling Jacksonville into giving him so much money. You are living the American dream sir, and I applaud you. Their offensive line was crap last year and gave stud running back Maurice Jones-Drew nowhere to run, so they drafted a couple of rookies to shore that up. Of course, that means the line will be better in a couple of years when the rookies are good, not this year. The Jags' WRs last year were also one of the worst collection of WRs you will ever see on God's green earth. For their sake, newcomer Torry Holt better have some magic left in those old legs of his. If defensive ends Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves, who were drafted 2 years ago to give them a pass rush, actually learn how to russ the pasher, then the defensive could be solid, but I have my doubts. All 6 Jaguars fans are going to be very sad this year.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Eugene Monroe - The Jaguars first round pick this year at left tackle is already an 82 overall at the pre-pubescent age of 22 (What? You went through puberty before 22?). Offensive linemen progress really easily, so he'll be one of the league's elite left tackles in no time. Too bad he won't be that good that quickly in real life. Sorry Jacksonville! Madden is fake! Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Atiyyah Ellison - Apparently Scotty loves defensive players on his fantasy team, because I believe this defensive tackle would be the pick over other hopefuls like Uche Nwaneri and Mesphin Forrester. The thing that puts Mr. Ellison over the top is that double Y in Atiyyah. Talk about rare! We've found the treasure, the pot at the end of the rainbow! Hallelujah!

2009 NFL Preview: AFC West

It is football time again! And New Jersey is Clean, Idiots is bringing you the only NFL Preview that you'll need to get ready for the coming season. Sports Illustrated's preview magazine? Eh. ESPN? What do they know? Sporting News? They're still in print?

Over the next 4 weeks I will preview each division in the league, doing 2 divisions per week. Each team's preview will follow this simple format:

Team Record:
The team's record from last year, then what their record will be this year. I can see the future, so I recommend you head to Vegas after seeing my predictions.

Team Overview:
Self-explanatory I would think.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Certain traits for players are more important than others in Madden franchises, which occasionally leads to the odd bench player in real life being better in Madden than an actual superstar. I'll tell you which guy that is.

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
I thought about telling you who from each team I would want for my fantasy football team, but then that would just be me giving away my secrets now wouldn't it? So instead, I decided to give you a player based on my friend Scotty's method of drafting, which is to draft players for his team based on how ridiculous/funny their names are. It's a winning strategy if I ever saw one.

So without further ado, I give you my first division for my 2009 NFL Preview, the AFC West!

AFC West

San Diego Chargers
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
The Chargers had a bit of a down year last year, only making the playoffs after finishing the season winning 3 in a row, all while the Broncos were busy choking away what was a 3 game lead in the division with 3 games to go. Philip Rivers had an absolutely monster year, and looks to continue that same success this year. He also hopes that this year LaDainian Tomlinson will remember how to actually run the ball for positive yardage, thereby easing the load off of him slightly. The defense should be back to dominant once again in coordinator Ron Rivera's first full year in charge. Last year they began the year with Ted Cottrell as their defensive coordinator, who we all know is not actually a good football coach. How that guy keeps getting jobs is beyond me. But anyway, Shawne Merriman and his terrible mohawk are back at full strength, so that should help. Expect San Diego to run away with this division.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Antonio Cromartie - We all know speed kills in Madden, and this cornerback for "A Whale's Vagina" is the fastest on the team with a 95 speed rating. More importantly, however, he has a 98 jump rating, which is key for a cornerback, and an 80 catch rating, which is imperative if you want to get a lot of interceptions. He has a better catch rating than all but 1 of their receivers. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Legedu Naanee - This was a tough one, as San Diego had many worthy competitors for this title, like Ogemdi Nwagbuo and Wopamo Osaisai, but in the end Naanee won out. Something about those double vowels twice in the last name really make it roll of the tongue in a smooth manner.

Denver Broncos
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 6-10

Team Overview:
The Broncos had a 3 game lead over the Chargers with 3 games to go in the season last year, but they managed to choke on their own vomit and lose the division. So with that, heads began to roll, and ultimately head coach Mike Shanahan, one of the most respected coaches in the league, was fired. In his place came Josh McDaniels, the next in line of crappy head coaches from the Bill Belichick coaching tree. McDaniels promptly aliented starting QB Jay Cutler because he has a man crush on Matt Cassel, so Cutler ended up crying his way out of town to Chicago. His replacement at QB? Kyle Orton. Oh boy... I hope Denver fans have fun talking themselves into thinking they can have success with Orton. Now WR Brandon Marshall is upset about his contract, though I think he should be more worried about the fact that he seems to enjoy beating his girlfriend up on a regular basis. But that's just me I guess. All in all for Denver, not a recipe for success.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Ryan Clady - Already an 88 overall at the young age of 23, Clady is a LT you can build your offensive line around. Young players in Madden usually always progress at a rapid pace, and if you spend 2 seasons with Clady as your starting LT, he'll be a 95 in no time, and a stalwart for you for years to come... until of course you draft another young lineman. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Kory Lichtensteiger - The second year guard from Bowling Green has a last name that sounds like an exotic German pilsner. Scotty loves beer. 'Nuff said.

Kansas City Chiefs
Record Last Year: 2-14
Record This Year: 6-10

Team Overview:
Last year the Chiefs were pathetic, finishing with 2 wins. Larry Johnson was hurt and/or suspended all the time, Tyler Thigpen (who?) was their starting QB after they finally figured out that the only redeeming quality about Brodie Croyle as the QB was his hot wife watching from the stands, and their defense couldn't stop my grandma from running up the middle - and that's POST knee replacement. So like Denver, they fired everyone, including Head Coach Herman "You Play... to win... the Game!" Edwards. Ex-Arizona Cardinals offensive coordinator Todd Haley is the new head coach, and if he would just stop yelling for a moment, he might see that this is perhaps a team on the rise. If Matt Cassel isn't a one-year wonder, then they're set at QB for the next 7 years. Larry Johnson is supposedly healthy once again, and Dwayne Bowe is a stud at wide receiver. They also signed Giants great Amani Toomer, who is always well-dressed. And remember, if all else fails, they can just send Bernard Pollard after the opposing quarterback's knees every game! Things are lookin' up!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Well, when you go 2-14 the previous year, Madden doesn't take too kindly to anyone on your roster. But I suppose if I had to pick someone, it'd be RB Jamaal Charles. With 93 speed and 96 acceleration at the age of 23, he makes for a good 4th-string running back on your team.

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Rudy Niswanger - You certainly never draft offensive linemen for your fantasy team, but in my world, and for the purposes of this blog, you most certainly do. Plus, any guy with the word wang in his name is a lock for Scotty's team.

Oakland Raiders
Record Last Year: 5-11
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
This team is in complete disarray, mostly because owner Al Davis is 856 years old and still thinks he can run the team competently. Tom Cable, who took over as interim head coach part-way through last year after Lane Kiffin was fired, was hired on a permanent basis during the offseason, then proceeded to punch one of his assistants in the jaw. Progress! Also, their prized, franchise quarterback, JaMarcus Russell, is consistently overweight and lacks leadership skills. Oh boy! At least they have Darren McFadden at running back, who is able to take it to the house any time he touches the ball. They also have the best cornerback in the league in Nnamdi Asomugha, who is the very definition of the shutdown corner. Otherwise, they have next-to-nothing. I would kill myself if I was a Raiders fan.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Darrius Heyward-Bey - 97 speed and 97 acceleration for a 22 year old wide receiver? Sign me up! I'll line him up in the slot, and on the plays where the defense brings their safeties up to the line, I'll just audible to a fly-pattern for him, send him deep, and chuck the ball as far as I can, then watch another 6 go up on the board. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Chaz Schilens - I believe he's already hurt himself in training camp this year, but who cares? Chaz is always a crowd-pleasing first name, and for whatever reason it makes me think porn star. And who wouldn't want porn star Chaz on their fantasy team?