New Jersey is Clean, Idiots.

MMBF - 4/11: A Phenomenal Week in Sports

2011-04-11T10:41:00.019-04:00

Greetings on this Monday morning in April that was supposed to be 80 and sunny but is instead 56 and incredibly foggy, so much so that apparently everyone forgot how to operate their automobiles today, making my commute to work somewhat of a disaster. However, none of that could get me down because of the sports high I am on from last week! The deets:

The UConn Huskies are National Champions! In the worst basketball game I have ever seen in my life. That. Was. Brutal. But no matter! A win's a win, especially when it happens to come in the national title game. My thoughts:

- Charles Barkley is a genius. I couldn't stop laughing when he talked about how he dated ugly girls before he became rich and successful, at which point the girls got better looking. As long as they weren't fat, Charles. As long as they weren't fat.
- Jim Nantz needs to take it easy with the word play. "Kemba Walker Texas Ranger?" Seriously???
- Speaking of Nantz going overboard:
- Nevermind, CBS had the video taken down. Assholes. But anyway, Nantz said "UConn are the top dogs," "The Bulldogs and Huskies are getting in a dog fight," and "UConn was best in show." Christ. We get it Jim. Both teams have canine mascots. Where is Gus Johnson when you need him?
- Alex Oriakhi was definitely the MVP of that game. Butler had no idea how to handle him.
- Neils Giffey has the worst beard ever. Even I can do better than that, and that's saying something.
- The championship shirts and hats that they put on after they won are atrocious. What an awful design.
- What an unbelievable run by UConn with the run in the Big East Championship and now the national title. Totally unreal. Not going to see that happen again for a long time.
- Butler is half-way to becoming just like the Buffalo Bills!

If I could grow a beard like Brian Wilson, I would seriously be the happiest man in the world. Check this out. (Thanks The Biz).

There's a new show coming out on HBO called Game of Thrones. They trailer showed a lot of sex and midgets. Sex and midgets?!?? How could it suck?!

Fast Five?! Really?! Vin Diesel and The Rock?! This is way too much to handle. Car chases and Asian biddies grinding other Asian biddies. I hope Ja Rule is in it too.

Really? A Phoenix, a Flying Squirrel, and a Lake Beast are the best we could come up with for a new Ithaca College mascot? Why don't we add a Crunchy Hippy in there while we're at it?

This is one of the greatest ideas I have ever heard. And here is the dude's blog so you can follow him in his quest for religious manliness. (Gracias Little Gallen.)

Sweet, I'm going to my first game at Yankees game this season tonight! (Wednesday.) Shit! Rain-out.

Big Ben is getting married! I've heard of people being forced to have sex during rape, but being forced into marriage? Impressive Ben. Read this, and pay particular attention to the 2nd to last paragraph. I wonder what religious faith involved rapin' biddies?

Manny Ramirez - Once a cheater, always a cheater. You gotta be some kind of dumbass to roid-up again after already having been caught twice. But I suppose that's typical of that douche.

It was incredibly painful watching Rory McIlroy choke away the Masters on Sunday. That kid was ready to puke after every missed putt, and there were A LOT of them. And what kind of name is Charl anyway?

It was an interesting, yet ultimately fantastic week to be a New York Hockey Rangers fan. The progression:

- Ryan Callahan is out for the year? We're fucked. We seriously can't catch a break in the injury department but it looks like it's a side effect of how this team plays, and that is certainly not going to change.
- Rangers fucking blew it against Atlanta. What an awful showing. Probably not going to make the playoffs now.
- Rangers make the playoffs! We shit on the Devils, then watched the Lightning shit on the Hurricanes. Thank you Tampa! Washington, COME GET SOME!

MMBF - 4/4: Let's go UConn!

2011-04-04T10:24:00.032-04:00

Holy crap, I must have blacked out the entire week last week because I think I wrote a blog entry that wasn't a Brain Fart. Weird. I wouldn't blame you for missing it either since I never do that, so here it is. When the Cubs win the World Series I'm going to be FAMOUS as the only idiot who actually thought they could do it. (Editor's note: I don't actually think they can do it. Not at all). On to the gaseous excretions!

I hope Michael Vick visits the Bronx Zoo sometime soon! (Thanks G-Fri.)

As you all know, I have been missing Jack Bauer to death. This is the first year in forever that we haven't had 24, and if it wasn't for the continued presence of beer in my life, I don't know what I would do with myself. Well, this certainly is no substitute, but Jack is in it, and he's killing people, so that's cool.

Angelo from Top Chef was always a really weird guy. Everything, including food and manly-looking lesbians, was sexy to him. I hated him at first, but as the All-Star season went along, I slowly started to like him. Either way, he opened a sorta-restaurant in NYC, and here is an amazing review (Thanks Holly-oooo).

I hope the cobra updates this while he's munching on Michael Vick's nuts! (Thanks Scotty.)

The US followed up its friendly draw against Argentina with a game against Paraguay on Tuesday, and it was a shame that they lost seeing as they played waaayyyy better. It continues to annoy me that Bob Bradley keeps putting Jonathan Bornstein in at left back. He is so horrendously terrible at soccer, and probably life. It's beyond me why he's still around. There has to be SOMEBODY who can play left back better than him, and that includes my Grandma.

My thoughts from the Top Chef finale after the finale after the finale:

- Mike starts off by saying he's a better cook than Richard. Bold, Michael. Bold.
- Fabio and Casey are back!!! And Jenn too!!! Jenn would totally rough you up in the sack, in a good way though.
- Of course someone picked Jamie to be their sous chef. OUCHIES.
- Fuck, Fabio, Casey and Jenn didn't get picked. Frown face.
- I love how Angelo calls Richard "sir." He knows what's up.
- Foie Gras ice cream? Should have stuck with the Captain Crunch, Richie. That sounded tasty.
- Mike sweats like Patrick Ewing.
- Spike is just creepin' all over the dining room. Funny guy.
- Dick Blais needs to cut the negativity. He should know by now how incredible he is.
- Love the finale challenge and the lack of the twists. Just man to man, who's the best.
- Richard looks like he's going through menopausal hot flashes here before they announce the winner.
- Richie wins, and he got a kiss from Casey! That may actually be better than winning Top Chef.
- Andy Cohen is the worst television host I have ever seen in my life.
- Bravo can't do live TV worth a damn. That's all we see is Fabio in LA mouthing at the camera that he can't hear anything.

Despite the fact that the 4th Annual NFL Draft/White Castle Extravaganza will go on as planned this year, I'm just not that excited about the draft because I'm so damn annoyed at the league. This is usually one of my favorite times of the year because the hockey playoffs are starting, baseball is under way, and I get to read oodles of NFL mock drafts, but the NFL has sucked all the fun out of that last one because they're such a bunch of greedy bastards. At least we'll still have White Castle, Rory.

I swear the people who cross Washington Blvd. in the morning when the orange hand is telling them to "DON'T BE STUPID, STAND WHERE YOU ARE." are suicidal. One of these days I'm going to run over someone, and I won't feel bad about it. They're all idiots.

Thursday was the greatest day of the year - OPENING DAY! It absolutely should be a national holiday so we can all sit home, grill, drink, and watch every baseball game we possibly can. The only thing bad about it is that it marks another year of listening to Suzyn Waldman. If there was ever a face for radio...

An absolutely pathetic performance by the Rangers against the Islanders last week. I don't know how a team as desparate as they are can come out and perform like that. Disgraceful. They did, however, redeem themselves on Sunday against Philly. Huzzah! It's never easy with these guys.

Boo. They found the cobra. I guess Michael Vick's balls are safe now.

Saturday was a HUGE day in JC... India won the Cricket World Cup! Very happy for the guys over at Sparrow Hill in the Heights, as well as the 934 bus boys at Rasoi in Little India (the most overstaffed place of work in the entire world). Celebrate homies!

The Red Bulls literally had 20 chances to win the game on Saturday and squandered every single one of them. It would be nice if Henry would score a fucking goal one of these days, but at least we got DeRo! He'll make a huge difference.

So I thought that absurd screamo cover of "Friday" that I showed you before was the best cover of that awful song. Not anymore. (Gracias Ian.)

They're instituting concussion safety rules in this year's version of Madden. How are we ever going to get that elusive career-ending injury?!?!? I hate the NFL.

UConn is goin' to the ship! A few thoughts:

- Brandon Knight is a bitch. That was an obvious open-handed dick slap on Shabazz. I wish Clint Dempsey was there to knife him.
- If UConn wants to win tonight, Kemba needs to screw everyone else and take over if it comes down to crunch time at the end. He was trying to give it up too much against Kentucky, and it almost cost them. Maybe he's finally getting tired? Hope not.
- Hey John Calipari! How does it feel to know that in a couple years this Final Four appearance will be vacated like all your others?!

Let's go UConn!

2011 MLB Preview!

2011-03-31T21:31:00.017-04:00

They always say in the commercials that if you have a erection that lasts longer than 4 hours you should get immediate medical attention. Well call 9-1-1 because today was Opening Day and my pants are TIGHT! Opening Day is literally the happiest day of the year, the day when our national pastime comes back to entertain us night after night from now until early November. So as I sit here watching ESPN's nightcap between the Giants and Dodgers, I figured, why not crank out a season preview? Might as well piggyback on last year's complete failure and embarrassment and once again tell you which teams to run to Vegas and not bet on. And no, doing a preview while already having seen a handful of games for this season is not cheating.

NL East

1) Philadelphia Phillies
Their offense is old and decrepit except for Ryan Howard, but if you throw him nothing but curveballs he'll strike out 537 times this year. But they've got that ridiculous staff, so it's hard not to pick them, as much as it pains me.
2) Atlanta Braves (Wild Card)
Deep pitching staff, deep lineup, and a potentially great bullpen if Jonny Venters and Craig Kimbrel do what we all think they'll do. Can absolutely be a 90 win team.
3) Florida Marlins
Should be a feisty competitor, and all 18 of their fans will be excited about it.
4) Washington Nationals
I'd probably pick them 3rd if Stephen Strasburg's arm wasn't already ruined, but they have potential. Decent lineup anchored by a fantasy favorite of mine, Ryan Zimmerman.
5) New York Mets
The Fighting Madoffs are just one big ball of bad news. Looking for some entertaining Minor League Baseball this year? Head out to Citi Field!

NL Central

1) Chicago Cubs
Upset pick! But my picks are always wrong, so this more or less amounts to false hope for the South Siders.
2) Milwaukee Brewers
Potentially really good starting staff is already hit with injury issues, and I don't trust their bullpen. But they'll be sending that yellow-bearded brewmaster down the big slide plenty.
3) St. Louis Cardinals
Lost Adam Wainwright for the season, but they still have the best player in baseball in Albert Pujols, so that has to keep them in contention, right?
4) Cincinnati Reds
My pick for the team that surprised last year who will inevitably fail the following year because the previous year was a fluke. This of course means they'll probably win the World Series.
5) Houston Astros
I'd put them in last place but for the sake of my brother's sanity I'll move them up a notch!
6) Pittsburgh Pirates
Good young core, but.... Hey only 5 months until Steelers training camp! Oh wait, might not be any NFL this year... ummmm, at least Pittsburghians still have the french fry sandwiches!

NL West

1) Colorado Rockies
Lot to like here. Carlos Gonzalez and Troy Tulowitzki are absolute studs, and Ubaldo Jimenez can win a Cy Young. Plus who doesn't love playoff baseball in the snow?
2) San Francisco Giants
Their young arms threw a ton of innings in their World Championship season a year ago, so one of them is going to break down. Tom Verducci says so.
3) Los Angeles Dodgers
They'll be ok, but when they need mid-season reinforcements they won't get them because the owner will be busy spending his last couple of bucks makin' it rain at the strip club after his wife soaks him for all he's worth in the divorce. Plus fans who don't bother to show up to games until the 3rd inning and then leave in the 7th don't deserve a good team.
4) San Diego Padres
They may only score 11 total runs this entire year. It's a shame they used 5 of them today.
5) Arizona Diamondbacks
Move along, nothing to see here.

AL East

1) New York Yankees
Big bounce-back years from Derek Jeter and Gay-Rod, their bullpen is the best in baseball, and they'll trade for a frontline starter at the deadline. Nothing to worry about.
2) Boston Red Sawcks
Lackey, Beckett and Dice-K all suck. Papeldouche sucks. And we'll see if Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez can actually handle the media and fan pressure that comes with playing in an actual sports town. No guarantee that they can. How are they winning 100 games again?
3) Tampa Bay Rays
Despite losing the aforementioned Crawford and Carlos Pena, they still have a really good lineup, as well as a potential Cy Young winner in David Price. It's a shame nobody cares about them.
4) Baltimore Orioles
Even though he's running his mouth like he's in an AND1 Mix-Tape, Buck Showalter will have this team playing hard. They'll be respectable. Plus they get bonus points for having the best stadium in baseball.
5) Toronto Blue Jays
Lots of potential at the top of their rotation and they'll hit home runs, but... seriously? Canada? Come on now.

AL Central

1) Minnesota Twins
They always find a way. Mauer, Morneau and Nathan will be fine, and Ron Gardenhire is arguably the best manager in baseball.
2) Detroit Tigers (Wild Card)
As long as Miguel Cabrera is sober he'll be an MVP candidate, plus they have one of the best pitchers in the league in Justin Verlander. The people of Detroit have to have SOMETHING good going for them right?
3) Chicago White Sox
Lots to like about this team, but Ozzie Guillen will probably say something stupid again, get himself fired, and the whole season will go down in flames. I'm giving 3-1 odds on that one.
4) Kansas City Royals
They're minor league teams might go undefeated this year! But will any of those kids (I hate that I'm old enough to call them kids) prove to be the real deal? Probably, but not until next year.
5) Cleveland Indians
As if God couldn't shit on Cleveland enough.

AL West

1) Oakland A's
The Giants proved last year that you can do damage with superior pitching and almost no offense, and it looks like the A's are trying to copy that formula. Their staff is potentially the best in baseball, despite the fact that Dallas Braden seems like a jack-ass.
2) Texas Rangers
They'll score a helluva lot, but will they have enough pitching? Sure, but not enough to make the playoffs. Plus their fans probably like the Cowboys, so they can suck it.
3) Anaheim Angels
They're not in Los Angeles, and I don't know why they would want to be. That place sucks. Trading for Vernon Wells tells you a lot about their current situation.
4) Seattle Mariners
Not going to make the same mistake as last year! They have King Felix, and..... rain? Ichiro is like 87 now too I think. Sorry Ian.

Playoffs - Division Series

Cubs over Phillies - UPSET ALERT!!!! Too much Fukudome for the Phils to handle.
Braves over Rockies - Atlanta kicks some ass, but still can't sell-out The Ted. What an awful sports town.
Yankees over Tigers - Sorry Detroit. No match for the Bombers.
Twins over A's - The Twins actually win a playoff series because they're not playing the Yanks.

Championship Series

Cubs over Braves - If anyone from Chicago is reading this blog (and I doubt it), they are currently cursing me.
Yankees over Twins - As I said, the Twins can only win in the playoffs if they don't play the Yanks.

World Series

Cubs over Yankees - Finally! After 103 years the Cubs win a World Series. What the hell am I thinking? I must be drunk. Somewhere Steve Bartman is crying... because I'll inevitably be wrong and the Cubbies will actually only win 68 games.

MMBF - 3/28: All is right with the world.

2011-03-29T19:31:00.025-04:00

Hello everyone, and welcome to this edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart, which I am writing on Tuesday night and you're probably reading on Wednesday afternoon. Fun times. Please enjoy this list of nonsense that I randomly wrote down on my iPhone's notepad as the week went along.

Oh sweet! It's the first day of spring (last Monday)! WTF! There's 2 inches of snow on the ground. Awesome. I'm going to kill that fucking groundhog. What a piece of shit liar.

So now the kick-offs in the NFL will be from the 35 instead of the 30. Just another example of the league ruining football in the name of "player safety." You know, the kind of safety that would be promoted by there being 2 extra games during the year lining the owners already well-insulated pockets. I swear we'll be watching the National Flag Football League at some point in my lifetime. I do have to say though, this rule is actually beneficial to the Giants. Maybe now Lawrence Tynes will actually be able to reach the end zone! And we always have terrible kick returners so all the touchbacks won't give them a chance to only take it out to the 17 and possibly fumble!

Bob Barker in that State Farm commercial looks like he died a few years ago, and they dug up his body, stuffed it, and shoved him in a Jersey Shore spray-tan booth. If the camera panned down I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a puppeteer with his arm up Bob's ass controlling his movements.

My thoughts on 2 weeks ago's Top Chef, which was the finale before the finale before the finale:
- No intro at all this week?! No Casey :-(
- I can't believe Antonia and Tiffany beat Blais and Mike!! With a beef salad too. Lame.
- Hot damn! Padma was looking fiiiiine in that bikini.
- Whenever the Nassau Yacht Club was on screen, I could only think of Elite Ian's future.
- The sexual innuendo of Mike asking Antonio about tasting his conch (pronounced conk) was slightly unsettling. However, I still wish they banged before they found out they were related.
- Mike Isabella is totally cleaning up! I think Blais is going to scalp him.
- Finally Tiffany goes! But at least she went down swinging, not with a bomb of a dish. Even though she doesn't deserve to win, I think I might miss her. She seems nice.

I found it hilarious that UConn women's hoops coach Geno Auriemma was complaining about the lack of fan support at their home games, saying they were spoiled with all their success and take the team for granted. Geno, no one is coming to your games because NO ONE CARES ABOUT WOMEN'S BASKETBALL, not because they're spoiled. Call me sexist, but women's basketball is boring as hell. There's only so many layups and chest passes I can take, and I'm not alone in feeling that way.

What history would sound like if Gus Johnson was always around announcing it:

Great Moments in History with Gus Johnson from Gus Johnson

And a side note - if Gus Johnson was constantly following me around, doing play-by-play on my life, I would be the happiest man on earth. I would be so much more epic than I actually am.

And now my thoughts on last week's Top Chef, the finale after the finale before the finale:
- Casey! Intro is back! THANK GOD.
- Good to see Carla in the Quickfire twist... I really liked the premise of them having to give each other their challenges/twists.
- Like I said 3 paragraphs ago, Mike Isabella is absolutely cleaning up. Blais is sweating his hot streak I think.
- Morimoto looks like he wants to kill everyone in the room while waiting to see who would pick him for the challenge.
- I totally loved how Morimoto came to dinner dressed as Splinter from Ninja Turtles.
- HOLY SHIT, THE CHALLENGE TWIST ENVELOPE! I FORGOT!
- I think we got the finale we all wanted, even though I was kinda sorta starting to like Antonia. Then I remembered she fucked over Casey, so good riddance BITCH.
- HOLY JESUS FABIO AND CASEY COME BACK THIS WEEK! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! disghlskdjhglSDnbv;oewirnv;iorwnv;ior!!!!
- My pick for Top Chef is Richard Blais. The cream always rises to the top my friends.

- Kemba Walker is the man. San Diego St. had to be kidding themselves if they thought they could stop the basketball Jesus.

- Wow. Peace Duke.

- The countdown is on! 18 YEARS UNTIL SHE IS LEGAL!!!!

My thoughts on the season finale of Jersey Shore:
- The fat dude doing the worm at Danny's BBQ is very impressive. I wish I could do that.
- Uncle Nino is a pimp.
- J-WOWWW's dad is super dweeby, very much unlike anything I expected. I bet he's super proud of what his daughter has become!
- Watching everyone's reaction while Ronnie and Sammy fight is hilarious. Unfortunately we get entirely too much of said reactions.
- How are J-WOWWW's dogs not trained? They literally just shit all over everything all day. I wish I could do that and have people laugh at me instead of being publicly ridiculed and ostracized by society.
- I'm excited for when Snooki is president because then I'll be tan. Right now I can only burn.

Saturday I went to the USA-Argentina soccer game at the new Giants Stadium. More thoughts!
- My boy from the Red Bulls, Juan Agudelo with the goal for the US! I better enjoy him this year, because I'm sure before long he'll be sold to some big European team where he can ride the bench for 5 years!
- There's no diving/flopping in America, Argentinians. You are all annoying.
- Messi is unbelievable. It literally takes 5 defenders to get the ball off of him. Totally unreal.
- I love how Clint Dempsey always looks like he wants to knife everyone, though I guess I would too if I constantly had defenders trying to break my ankles. And I do wish he actually had shanked Javier Mascherano, because that guy is the biggest bitch and biggest diver I have ever seen.
- Bob Bradley, PLEASE give it up with Demerit, Spector, Gooch... we all know what we're getting from these guys, and it's not that great. Sometimes it's terrible. What harm would there have been in playing Tim Ream? Possibly having a pass from the back completed? HOW TERRIBLE!

Leslie Visser has had WAY too much plastic surgery. I mean, I know she's old as shit, but still, her face barely moves when she talks and her mouth is formed into a permanent smile. She's like Joker without the makeup.

UConn is going to the Final Four! Kemba is my current man crush.

VCU? Really? I guess at-large 11 seeds from the Colonial Athletic Conference making the Final Four isn't that original after all, right Megan?

And finally, all is right in the world, because FANTASY BASEBALL IS BACK! There are few things I enjoy more than spending hours pouring over my rosters, proposing/making trades, taking everyone else's money when I win the league... it's just too awesome. And yes, I have a girlfriend. Why she stays with me I'll never know.

MMBF - 3/21: It's MADNESS in this March!

2011-03-14T11:11:00.056-04:00

My most humble apologies to all 7 of you who read this blog for not providing you with your weekly dose of heaven last week. I was very busy, though that's not an excuse for making all of your lives significantly worse. So to help the cause of repairing your emotions, you get a double Brain Fart this week! You're welcome.

PART 1 - 2 WEEKS AGO

It's really funny hearing about the Heat crying after they lost one of their games 2 weeks ago (wow this is really dated huh?). I'm fairly confident that if they didn't want all the pressure, they shouldn't have had that ridiculous championship celebration BEFORE the season even began. Just a thought.

A few weeks back I posted a video about some girl who made an Angry Birds cake or something for her dad. Well, Conan O'Brien one-upped her. (Thanks Conan for sending this.)

Tiki Barber is coming out of retirement?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!. His divorce from his wife who he left WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS TWINS FOR A YOUNG BLONDE INTERN must be absolutely soaking him. Well, that, or the fact that his TV career is in the toilet and he needs the skrilla. Either way, I'm excited for him to sign with the Redskins so we can boo the shit out of him at Giants Stadium and hurl bags of vomit at him, then watch Eli run off the sideline and choke slam his old ass at midfield, then play to the crowd, Gladiator-style. It's going to be EPIC!

In 'N Out Burger is coming closer!!!! I swear, if that place ever makes it to the tri-state area in my lifetime, I will automatically put on 600 pounds. Those burgers are one of the very few reasons to ever live in LA, and the fact that they are incrementally moving across the country towards me is most definitely cause for celebration.

I found what Charlie Sheen does in his spare time when he isn't winning:

More Call of Duty: Black Ops Videos

Speaking of Charlie Sheen, we all knew this had to happen sooner or later:

Actually, I'm kind of getting sick of him. Shit's getting old Charlie. I'm done with you.

My thought on Top Chef 2 weeks ago:

- Great to see Michael Voltaggio back in the flesh. He is so sexy.
- Speaking of sexy, Blais' scraggly 5 o'clock shadow is endearing in a homeless chic way. LOVE IT.
- Leave it to the Top Chef crew to go to another country and immediately burn their restaurants to the ground.
- Even though this wasn't the actual finale finale, it's sort of part of the finale, so I can complain about the following: I think finale challenges should be more straightforward. Just cook what you're good at. Give us your best meals. No ridiculous curveballs. Too much nonsense with the "Bahamian Royalty" in this episode.
- I thought it was funny how they put the judges at the smallest table in the whole restaurant, though it was probably really nice for the King of Whatever That Ceremony Was Called because he got to rub up against Padma. I bet he was hard.
- Blais is so self-deprecating when it comes to his food. Not sure if it's endearing or annoying yet. Leaning towards annoying.
- Carla fucked up AGAIN by doing something she's not used to - and it sent her home for the 2nd season. She needs to learn that doing what she's good at got her to where she is today, though sadly I assume she won't be getting a 3rd shot on Top Chef.
- Whenever someone else wins the challenge Richard is the first person they show and he looks like he wants to murder them in the bloodiest way possible. I'm excited for this season's outtakes when he body slams Mike Isabella and chokes him to within an inch of his life.

JJ Abrams + Coach Taylor + ALIENS! = STEVE IS GOING TO THE MOVIES!!!

Speaking of the movies, I have an early nominee for best picture next year. And by best picture, I mean BEST. MOVIE. EVER. Maybe even better than The Human Centipede?

I am literally speechless after watching that trailer. I need that movie in my life ASAP.

Went to my first Nets game at the Prudential Center in Newark. Here were my thoughts on the experience:

- They were playing the Clippers, so we got to see Blake Griffin. He is flat-out nasty. A freak of nature. Awesome to see in person.
- They have 2 mascots: Sly the Fox, and Mini Sly, who was a BALLERRRRR.

- There was a fight in the stands where the Orlando Magic dragon mascot (he was there to celebrate Sly's birthday, of course) got into a fist fight with someone in the stands. Epic.
- They had those big balloon mascots that just bounce around and smile. I love those!
- The pulled pork from the "Taste of Newark" concession stand was outstanding. Really good. Very cheap too for stadium food.
- The crowd overall was dull and lifeless, because A) there are no Nets fans, and B) they're moving soon anyway, so why should anyone care?

Jersey Shore: Ronnie is a sad puppy dog, and then he GOT PLAYED by Sammie. THE DRAMA NEVER STOPS!!!

The NFL owners are disgusting. 9 Billion dollars in profit for the NFL last year, and they still want to make more money? I couldn't be more upset with how greedy these sons of bitches are. And it's not the players who get screwed over here the most, it's the fans, who the NFL couldn't give 2 shits about. But wait. Who is it that all of the NFL's profits come from? Oh right! The fans. Go figure. Time to start looking for a college football team to follow seriously next year?

Speaking of greed, James Fucking Dolan and Madison Square Garden are raising the Knicks and Rangers ticket prices 49% and 23%, respectively for next year. Remember the Garden being one of the craziest atmosphere's ever? Where all the diehards are chanting and cheering their minds out for hours on end to root on the home team? Yeah, neither do I. All I see are a bunch of suits who couldn't give 2 shits about my beloved Rangers taking up the seats that my fellow diehards and I would actually appreciate. Awesome.

Went to the Big East Championship game at the Garden between UConn (my team, since my brother went there) and Louisville. What an insane atmosphere. Exciting game, and great win for UConn! First team in history to win 5 games in 5 days and take the Big East, which, by the way, is the best conference in the country, haters.

Went to Sarabeth's on Central Park South the other day for brunch. Absolutely delicious french toast, but like most other things in the city, it's too froofy, pretentious, and really overpriced. Just go to the Pancake Factory in Jersey City instead and thank me later.

Got MLB 11: The Show for my PS3 the other day. If you love video game baseball like myself, you need this game. It is TITTIES.

And here is where I would give you my team for the NCAA Tournament that I am going to ride all the way to millions of dollars in winnings, but seeing as the tournament is all the way to the Sweet 16 already, that would be pointless. If I had done this Brain Fart when I was suppose to, you would know that my team for this year was Louisville. What did they do? Lost in the first round. Asshats.

PART 2 - LAST WEEK

Well, this is one way to stop a kid from bullying you. Kids who play Magic: The Gathering at lunch time, take note.

I love how much of a joke the Mets are, yet am already ridiculously tired of hearing about their issues on the radio. People are worried about the Yankees having starting pitching problems, but RA DICKEY IS THE METS NUMBER 2 STARTER. Yep. You heard it right. Read that again if you need to. That right there is an actual starting pitching problem. RA. Dickey. Har har. But ESPN radio and WFAN need to find new things to talk about other than the Mets. It's one thing to be discussing Chris Capuano's chances of making the roster on one channel, but when the other channel is interviewing him AT THE SAME TIME, they need to be stopped. It's Chris Capuano. Stop the madness.

It's obvious that I am on the player's side because of how disgusted I am with the owners in our little NFL dispute, but assholes like Adrian Peterson make it harder and harder every day. The other day in a radio interview, he said playing in the NFL is the equivalent to "modern day slavery." Really Adrian? I had no idea that slaves made 11 million dollars a year back in the 1800s! Why the hell did the Civil War ever happen then if slaves were making so much money? It's weird how my history classes in school passed over that convenient fact. Maybe we should all be slaves so we could be rich!!! .... Adrian, you're an idiot.

I showed you Lady Gaga's new video a few weeks back and talked about how she wants to start a cult. But to fully illustrate the point to you, I should have made this video (Thanks to Holly from LA for her submission!):

RIP Nate Dogg. You made most 90s rap songs way better than they ever should have been. Who is going to save Warren G now when they've got guns to his head, he thinks he's going down, and he can't believe this is happening in his own town?

I don't normally get caught up in cute youtube videos, but this was too much to handle (Thanks to the Loobster):

This past Thursday and Friday The Stallion and I finally took part in something we had been dreaming about for 2 years: taking off from work the first 2 days of the NCAA tournament, drinking a lot, and watching every basketball game. It. Was. AWESOME. The icing on the cake was of course that Thursday was St. Patrick's Day, which is my second favorite holiday after Thanksgiving. So because it was such a momentous day, my lovely girlfriend treated us all to the following feast:

Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots and irish soda bread (MY FAVORITE!):

And green Rice Krispie Treats:

Which we then washed down with Guinness and Shamrock Shakes (Thank you Scotty):

It was a feast for a king, which was then followed by an amazing concert by the one and only Dan Mills. If you have no idea who he is, click on the link and get a life.

Friday we watched basketball all day at a bar, so I drank more beer and crammed buffalo wings into my face all day. Some basketball observations: 1) The George Mason - Villanova game was insanely exciting. My woman went to Mason, so suffice it to say we were excited about the win. 2) Fuck you Louisville.

The Red Bulls are back!! And this year, Megan, Scotty and I have season tickets 4 rows off the field. Boo yah. They began the season with a big 1-0 over Seattle which will hopefully set the tone for another successful year. A few observations:
- The Harrison PATH station still sucks. Why couldn't they have put another entrance in during the offseason. The bottle neck of thousands of fans into the station after the game is ridiculous.
- Did they really need to clog up everyone during the walk-up to the game too? I never thought overcrowding at the stadium entrance was a problem last year.
- The concession stands are still PAINFULLY slow. Woulda thought that they'd have that figured out by now.
- Juan Agudelo is an absolute beast. Big kid, really fast. Very impressive to see in person. And his goal was a thing of beauty. Plus, he's only 18 years old. It'll be fun when he gets signed by a big European club in 2 years and sits the bench for them.

I'm sure you've all heard that atrocious Rebecca Black song, "Friday" by now and wanted to rip your ears out and kill Scotty because of it. But as you expected, there are a million spoofs of the song. Here is my favorite (Thanks Big Sexy). It really does the song justice, I think.

It's disgusting how much the NHL and the referees suck the Pittsburgh Penguins schlongs. Seriously, how could Kris Letang not go to the box when he punched Ryan McDonough right in the face after McDonough pushed him??? And it was McDonough who got the penalty!! Unreal. And that scumbag Matt Cooke better get suspended for a year for his elbow to McDonough's head. He is such a shit. I wonder what Mario Lemieux will say now about head shots since he not only has the league's biggest douche on his team, but he made him an Associate Captain? But for all the bullshit, the Rangers STILL beat them 5-2 yesterday! Huzzah!

More NCAA Tournament observations from the weekend: Fuck you Pittsburgh, I only had you winning the whole thing in a few brackets. And I know without a doubt that Luke Hancock of George Mason was poisoned by Ohio St. fans. He was the hero of their round 1 game. They were in Cleveland, OH. They were looking to upset Ohio St., a number 1 seed who has never won a basketball championship. It all adds up to sabotage. I demand an investigation!

And finally, since I don't want to discuss Ronnie and Sammi anymore, I'll just say this about the last Jersey Shore episode: Mad props to the "atomic bomb" who tried to dance with Pauly. She had to have known she would get made fun of like crazy on the show because of her size, but she went for the glory anyway. Respect.

MMBF - 3/7: Time for some Philly Bashing!

2011-03-07T12:10:00.043-05:00

Good day everyone, and welcome to my next installment of the internet's most pointless blog post, the Monday Morning Brain Fart. I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend, but clearly was lucky enough to make it out alive, so please, go ahead and rejoice to yourself, quietly if you happen to presently be in a professional environment. Otherwise, crack open a few cold ones and read on.

I get the feeling that Lady Gaga is trying to start an LGBT cult. Her new video is really fucked up (though that's not surprising), but it also has this ridiculous manifesto at the beginning that makes absolutely no sense to me, and has some crazy shit with unicorns and aliens. Plus she looks ridiculous with those horns growing out of her cheeks... but yes, I still find her music absurdly catchy and it is on my iPod. Whatever.

This movie is gonna suck.

It was officially the end of an era for Jets fans this past week. Rory cried softly to himself throughout the night. Jeremiah filled up a bathtub, got in and plugged in the toaster. Even across the country Holly thought about running into traffic on the 101 during rush hour. Yes, that's right kids... Vernon Gholston was released. The Jets are never going to win another football game ever again.

Losing Marty Biron for the rest of the year SUCKS for the Rangers, so Henrik is going to have to be even better than he has been from here on out. And speaking of the Rangers, it was nice to wipe our asses with the Flyers yesterday to get our playoff push back on track. Suck it, Philly!

I have found my absolute dream job. God help the man who gets this over me.

I am addicted to Angry Birds on my iPhone... but this may be taking it a bit too far.

So I've been going to the gym recently in an (as of yet futile) attempt to lose weight and not make women run away screaming rape every time I take my shirt off. Thought I'd give you a little peek into my workout regiment:

When to the Park Avenue Tavern on 39th and Park recently. Little classy for my taste, but they had a whole section of the bar that had taps AT THE TABLES. You just sit there and pour your own beers all night long. Genius!

For some reason I was in the mood to watch Supersize Me, so I did. And then I ate a Big Mac the next day. That movie is like one long commercial for deliciousness, which may or may not have been the intended purpose.

Charlie Sheen is the greatest of Americans. I don't care what anyone else says.

My thoughts on this past week's Top Chef (finale this week!):

- I hate that they've edited down the intro so my weekly dose of Casey is lessened even more. She's so perrrty.
- Richard is an absolute genius. MRE bags in his knife kit?! Only Richard could pull of something like that.
- I thought when the mothers/wives/husbands came running up to the chefs on Ellis Island (which is in NEW JERSEY) that Blais was gonna bang right then and there and give his wife another baby to be friends with the one already in there. He needs to get some.
- Speaking of Blais' wife, Jazmin Blais sounds like either an insanely hot porn star or a character on Mortal Kombat (thanks Best Week Ever) that finishes you with some sort of blazing inferno.
- It's a shame that Mike and Antonia didn't bang earlier in the show so that A) things would be SUPER awkward now, and B) they could have some sweet inbred children.
- Prior to elimination, I thought that if all the dishes were equal, Tiffany should go home based on past results. Well, all the dishes were equal... and I still think the same thing. Cop-out decision by the judges.
- I was about to leap into the TV and stab Padma when she played that bullshit and pretended to send Richard home... but then I would have broken Cordes' TV, so I didn't do that. You're welcome, Bryan.

The BYU honor code, which that bro on the basketball team broke by smashing out his girlfriend, is absolute insanity. No tea? How can you not allow someone to drink tea? I would imagine Provo, Utah is somewhere you can go if you're allergic to Starbucks chains.

They're making an energy drink out of the byproducts of my roommate's sexual escapades (picture of roommate below).

This is about as ironic as it gets.

This article by Bill Simmons is a must-read if you're as pissed off at the NFL owners and their insane greed as I am. It's a little long but it shows how the owners couldn't give two shits about the fans, who just happen to be the people who give them the insane amount of money they already have. Go figure.

I can't get enough of how on Jersey Shore Vinny's dick is nicknamed Moby Dick. That has to be the ultimate complement right? I also always enjoy when 2 couples are hooking up in the same room at the same time. No time for shame! WE JUST GOTTA GET IT IN BRO! But I do have this question: Why do they continuously have to censor the poop in the clogged toilet? Who doesn't love a good poop shot?

Watched Independence Day over the weekend. The President's speech is the single greatest speech made by an organic life form in the history of being.

As I said earlier, I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend for the Philly Craft Beer Fest. It was there that I discovered that Hometown Brewery makes a beer called New Jersey Ale. Clearly this is now my favorite beer ever. Speaking of the Beer Fest though... seriously? There were only 4 urinals for the whole festival? Typical Philly. Dumbasses. I thought I was a chick for a second because the guy's line was so damn long. Think that kinda shit happens in Jersey? No way.

People in Philly suck at driving. Yes, I know I could have stopped that sentence at "suck." Also, the road layouts in that city are stupid. It's like they were designed by some idiot who had to diarrhea in the worst way but was contractually obligated to finish the maps before he could go sit on the throne.

And finally, as most of you know that there are 2 main, institutional cheesesteak joints in Philly: Pat's and Geno's. And since the folks of Filthadelphia are too dumb to figure out which one is better, I figured I would do it on my own, seeing as I am the Chef of the Century and my opinions on food (and everything else for that matter) are 100% fact. So here we go:

First stop:

And here is their cheesesteak sandwich:

As you can see, I only put my ketchup on half of it so that A) I could taste at least half in it's natural form, and B) so you could see it without globs of blood all over it (I did this at Pat's too). I also always ordered Cheese Whiz and onions, which seems to constitute the traditional cheesesteak. The steak was not chopped up, but instead large, thin slices. Meat was kinda chewy. Not too much cheese whiz either, actually, which was surprising. Next!

And here is Pat's cheesesteak sandwich:

This one had way more meat on it, and the steak was chopped up, so it wasn't as chewy as the Geno's steak. They also put way more cheese whiz on it. So even though the Pat's steak was a sloppier eating experience (probably due to the increased amount of meat and whiz), it was definitely better. Not to mention cheaper.

Philly Cheesesteak Verdict: Pat's King of Steaks makes the better cheesesteak. There Philly, I just solved something that you still haven't figured out in like 80 years. And since I just ate both in a row, I seriously need to puke.
Sub-Verdict: I've had better cheesesteaks at the Jersey Shore, not to mention in many other places around New Jersey. That's right. I went there. Suck it, Philly.

MMBF - 2/28: Sorry Ranger Fans

2011-02-28T12:50:00.030-05:00

Good afternoon on this dreary, rainy and slow-trafficy day in New Jersey. If you live and/or work in this great state (and you should consider yourself lucky if you do), you will no doubt have a long and arduous commute home today, so why not stay at work late and read my pointless banter! Sounds like a great idea to me.

Does this look like a man who can play in the NFL anytime soon (that is, if there even is an NFL)? Jesus Cristo Plax! Looks like you could use a cannoli or 2!

The new Kanye West video, which appears to be a pretty lame attempt at "art," makes me want to stick a wallet in my mouth for fear of seizure (and yes, I wrote that joke before I saw the absurb warning at the beginning of the video). But boy oh boy! Rihanna is lookin' fiiiiiiiiiiiine. She needs to stop dressing like a tranny hooker and keep up more of this fine work.

Greek soccer fans are completely insane. Or really awesome? I can't tell.

HOLY SHIT! RENALDO BALKMAN IS BACK IN NEW YORK! THE KNICKS ARE SAVED!!!!! Wait, what? Who? Someone else came in the deal? La La Vazquez? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh now I do:

May God help us all is this comes true and Jeffries returns.

OH MY GOD! JUSTIN BIEBER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Thousands of Canuck-loving tweens are cursing the very name of the Las Vegas CSI Unit. What a tragedy! (or blessing?) Who knew The Biebs was a gun-loving criminal? He got what he deserved.

Banana Nut Cheerios are tittiesssssssss.

My thoughts on Top Chef this past week:

- Mike totally screwed Blais by stealing his recipe, but then again, why was Blais showing him his notes to begin with? And it's not like Blais cooked it either. Mike's execution was perfect. And of course, we could all see Mike and Blais being the finalists coming from a mile away, and the fact that Mike won the Quickfire made it even more aggravating for our friend Richard.
- Fabio was back! If only for a brief moment in time, it made my life worth living again. I heart Fabio.
- I tend to think that these ridiculous time limits that the chefs are given make it so the chef who handles pressure better wins, not necessarily the best chef. Maybe that's the point? I hope it's not. Yes, all the chefs have the same time and are under the same pressure, but I'd rather the time be extended so the chefs can concentrate solely on making the best possible food, not necessarily food that's good enough given the time constraints.
- Blaise wins! Sweet Jesus, he deserved that. Finally, he gets to taste the fruit of his labor, as opposed to other chefs tasting the fruit of his labor, seeing as he always helps everyone.
- I cannot believe Tiffany is still in this competition, though it is without a doubt now that the judging is based on that day's challenge, and that day's challenge only. That being said, Dale is a far superior chef and had a chance to win. Tiffany does not.
- Anyone else turned on by Paula Dean talking about sucking heads? Yeah... me neither.

Hey Rex Ryan! Shut up. You're senseless rambling about how amazing the Jets are is just turning into white noise. You say it way too much, and you need to stop. Before you were bold and brash. Now you're just annoying. And you like feet.

I absolutely HATE that Sammi is back on Jersey Shore, because now Ronnie is going to go back to being this sad piece of shit that can't possibly entertain me. I don't care about your feelings Ronnie, just do stupid shit so I laugh. He was so close to being the old Ron Ron again, and then BOOM, Sammi walks in the house and it all goes downhill. Oye.

I think I could win an Oscar if I made a movie with British actors that was about the English Monarchy is some way, shape or form. "Ooooo listen to his sweet accent, he's so much sexier than American men. Is Queen Elizabeth in that movie? Great! Best Picture!!!!!"

Turtle Bay in NYC is one of the worst bars in the world. Just horrendous. If you like going there, please proceed to overdose on sleeping pills. Thanks!

Really nice deal for the Rangers, giving up next to nothing to get Bryan McCabe, a puck-moving defenseman who can QB the power play. Exactly what we needed. It's so weird watching Glen Sather pulling off trades where he doesn't totally fuck the franchise. But don't worry! There's still a half hour until the trade deadline! He can still screw up the Rangers entire future in a trade for Brad Richards!

This leads me to why I am sorry to Ranger fans: Last weekend I was at the Rangers - Flyers game, and I was lucky enough to be able to see the game in a suite. So the game ends, we leave the suite, and who leaves the suite a few doors down from us at the exact same time? Glen Sather. He walked right by me, basically brushed shoulders with me. I can hear you all screaming now, "Did you punch him!?!?" " Did you trip him and spit on him?!?" "Did you tell him how much he sucks at his job and how his mom is great in bed?!?!" Well friends, no, no, and no. I did nothing. I completely blew my opportunity to make Ranger fans happy, if only for one fleeting moment before I was hauled off the jail. So again fellow sufferers, I say I am sorry. I let a lot of people down.

MMBF - 2/21: I live in Kansas?

2011-02-21T14:27:00.022-05:00

No! I don't, because Kansas sucks and it's not New Jersey. But, it did feel that way on Saturday night, which I will get to later. So, hello! Happy President's Day! You're probably off of work today, so I imagine no one will read this until they're at work tomorrow... so happy Tuesday to you all. I am also not at work, though I would be if it wasn't snowing here in the JC. Yeah. Snow. Shocker right?

I checked out an episode of The Chicago Code at some point last week. It's a new cop drama, which there are totally not enough of on TV these days. This one, like most, sucks, but Luke from Friday Night Lights is in it, and boy is he dreamy. Worth checking out once just for him.

The SI Swimsuit Issue came out this week, which means that millions of little boys around the country have discovered what a boner is. They may not know what it's called, but they sure as hell like it.

I'd like to take a moment and introduce you to the next big television star. She is from humble beginnings and is just starting to grow what will be one of the world's great media empires. Allow her to show you her crib:

May we be seeing more of that beautiful gap-toothed grin (aka, diastema, for all you dentists out there) in the future?

I think this guy should have narrated Life, not Oprah, who sucked taint:

That honey badger is crazy!

Eeeeeeeeeeee.... awkward!

But who doesn't love a good dick joke right?! I thought about this, and it may actually be a complement to the male anchor. Yes, the 2 clearly bumped the nasties. So first of all, good for him! She is hot. And second, even though she clearly says his wang piece is tiny, she didn't disagree with him that it was impressive. So basically, he was a stallion in the bedroom even though his dong is the size of a thimble. Mad props, brother.

The leading breakfast chefs of our time (courtesy of The Biz):

This past week was when Watson the super computer was on Jeopardy, taking on the foremost nerds of our time, Ken Jennings (who owns the record for most wins in a row), and Brad Rutter (who owns the record for most money won on the show). It was annoying because Watson could buzz in faster than both of them, so as a result, he completely slaughtered them. It was funny, however, watching Ken Jennings every time Watson beat him to the buzzer because it looked like he wanted to shoot up a school full of small children. It was interesting to see an artificial intelligence be that smart, but how far do we take it? Remember what happens when the machines become aware...

My thoughts on Top Chef this week:

- It was GREAT to see Kevin on the Target commercial during the show. He was the man, and totally should have been on this All-Stars season. Who doesn't love a good ginger?
- I thought the Sesame Street quickfire was a lot fun, but the Target challenge was pretty ridiculous. The entire show was like one big Target commercial, though I know Scotty loved that.
- It was good to see the judges base their elimination decision solely on this challenge and this challenge alone, but I get the feeling they don't often do that, which is why I was absolutely shocked that Angelo went home instead of Tiffany. How is she still on the show?!
- Angelo was very gracious in defeat. I felt he could have taken a few shots at Mike Isabella for not only bossing him around during the challenge, but possibly being the reason why Angelo oversalted his food so bad (though maybe that's just what the editors wanted us to think).
- I continue to find it amazing that A) Blais almost never wins a challenge even though he is the shit, and B) great chefs like these are so often guilty of simple things like adding too much salt. Aren't they past that phase in their careers and shouldn't simple mistakes like that just not happen? The Chef of the Century is not pleased.

The people of Fort Wayne, IN have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Another week, another incredible episode of Jersey Shore. So many poop jokes this week! I LOVE POOP JOKES. And I learned a new word: Sloppapotamus (spelling?). I'm going to try and use that everyday now, much to the chagrin of those close to me.

I hate the Devils, they really know how to suck the life out of hockey. That being said, they still suck, and we should be able to beat them. Goddamn Rangers always have to make life difficult.

I enjoyed a little slice of heaven this past weekend, aka, I went to Taqueria, the best restaurant EVER that you've never heard of. It's in the JC (of course) on the corner of Grand and Grove. You need this.

I saw The Town over the weekend. Awesome movie. Continues the tradition of Ben Affleck only being good in movies where he puts on his ridiculous Boston accent and wears nothing but Bruins cardigans. If you haven't seen it, do so. It also teaches us a valuable lesson in life (SPOILER ALERT): Crime pays! Even if all your friends die. At the end, we see that Affleck has gotten away scot free, is rich, and still has the heart of the hot chick that he kidnapped and psychologically tortured. Good work if you can get it!

And finally, it was like Kansas up in this piece this past weekend because it was so unbelievably windy. JC is always a freakin' wind tunnel, but holy moses was it crazy out thurr!

This is a picture I took of a Washington Blvd. sign being blown off the post, but it doesn't show you that EVERY Washington Blvd. sign was blown off the posts and ended up decapitating small children and puppies in the streets. I only made part of that sentence up. It was nuts, yo.

MMBF - 2/14: Today is a Great Day.

2011-02-13T22:12:00.024-05:00

Greetings everyone on this most glorious day of days! You may be asking why today is so great, but then thinking it's probably because it's Valentine's Day and I'm madly in love with my readers, but NO. I do love you, however, today is great for a completely different reason. Read on to find out...

I hate SportsCenter's Top 10 plays during basketball season. That's all it is is lame dunk after lame dunk. Number 4 is always some absurd goal in hockey, or a ridiculous overhead kick goal in soccer, then number 1 is LeBron James dunking on someone. OOooooooo, I've never seen that before! Thanks SportsCenter for making 7 of the top 10 plays dunks that everyone on the planet has already seen 100 times!

Quantum of Solace is confusing. Cool movie. Too much concentration involved. That James Bond sure is one sexy man though.

Hoboken - FIX YOUR SHIT. I want to play soccer.

So Ted is apparently going to start dating Zoey on How I Met Your Mother. Not sure how I feel about that. Clearly she's not the mom, and I feel like the show is starting to drag a bit because they're putting off him meeting the mother. I think it's gotta happen soon. But I like Zoey I think, so hopefully the show goes back to being as funny as when Ted and Robin were dating, when we also knew that Robin wasn't the mother.

Mark Sanchez is a cradle robber! I bet he subscirbes to Seventeen and Cosmo Girl so he has a sufficient amount of beat-off material.

These guys are true musicians.

Speaking of Lady Gaga, her new single, "Born This Way" is out. It's catchy I guess. Not totally digging it, though it may grow on me. It's no "Paparazzi" or "So Happy I Could Die," that's for DAMN sure.

Couple of thoughts on this past week's Top Chef:

- Blaise, you gotta stop helpin' bitches, especially Antonia! She sucks, but she was in the top 3 because you helped her. You sir, were not in the top 3. Keep your shit to yourself and OWN THESE MOTHA FUCKAS.
- My good friend Louey Colicchio (who has a couple restaurant reviews on the way, right Louey?) called Dale oversalting his cheese steak from a mile away. Well done sir. After last week when his food was called bland, you knew he was going to overdo it, and overdo it he did.
- Carla is insane, yet endearing somehow.
- Farewell Fabio. I love you. It should have been Tiffany going, not you. Absolutely soul-crushing that you won't be in my life anymore brother.

Landry Fields needs to work on his selling skills. Or just having people realize who he actually is.

Ronnie from Jersey Shore (do we even need to say "from Jersey Shore" anymore? I feel like we're on a first name basis with these people now) has major issues. Thank you Captain Obvious! I'm not surprised at anything he did during him and Sammy's epic fight last week. The only thing I'm surprised about is that he didn't kill her and throw her over the balcony. Showed surprising restraint, I thought.

It was absolutely delightful actually scoring goals and beating the Penguins on Sunday, even if they didn't have those 2 pussies Sid The Bitch and Malkin in their lineup. I hope Crosby's concussion is a career-ender. As for the Rangers, this doesn't cure our goal-scoring ills, but it's a start, though losing Chris Drury for another 6 weeks doesn't matter in the goal-scoring department regardless. Will hurt our faceoff's though.

How ironic was it that the dead people montage at the Grammys was followed up by a performance by Mick Jagger, someone who looks like he's been dead for 10 years?

And finally, the reason why today (well, yesterday actually) is a phenomenal day - I have 3 words for you: Pitchers and Catchers! SWEET JESUS BASEBALL IS COMING BACK! Then, to put the icing on the cake of this day of springtime hope was getting invited to my first fantasy baseball league of the season! I LOVE FANTASY BASEBALL! AND BASEBALL! PITCHERS AND CATCHERS!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! LDSKUHGOwiehugeownl;ksdnvouihv[weiNV[Oiewnvowienbv~!!!!!!!!!!

MMBF - 2/7: The Streak Continues!

2011-02-07T13:18:00.021-05:00

Hello everyone! And welcome to the first day of the offseason of the National Football League which will most likely last about 3 years. I'm sure most of you are feeling fat and sassy, not to mention hungover, because of your Super Bowl parties last night, so I'm here to help you get through your day at work, which we shouldn't even have in the first place because the Super Bowl should be a national holiday. But that is of course a fight for another day.

The last 2 weeks were restaurant week in both NYC and Hudson County (where the beautiful JC is located), so there will be a number of restaurant reviews from Gallen de Robuchon and Louey Colicchio coming your way shortly (sorry Rich). I will, however, provide a brief overview of Edward's Steakhouse in the JC here since I was able to go for lunch. First off, they made me mighty proud to be a citizen of the JC by allowing me to do the dinner menu at lunch, so I nabbed the crab cakes (excellent), Caesar Salad (pretty standard), Delmonico Steak (top quality and delicious - perfect), and the Cheesecake (outstanding). Overall it was a great meal. Ambience was awesome - real, authentic Jersey. Waiter was great save for him not telling us his name. Is this becoming a trend? If so I hate it. Overall Restaurant Grade: A

Jurassic Park 3 is one of the most horrific movies on the planet, yet I watch it every time I come across it on TV because A) it has Jurassic Park in the title, and B) it has dinosaurs in it. But I could have taken a hot diarrhea on a film strip and it would have looked better on screen then this piece of shit. A black mark on the Jurassic Park name, for sure.

Snow day at work last week, and I was standing at our living room window, watching a bobcat plowing out the entryway to an apartment building... and dumping the snow on a shoveled-out parking spot on the road. No wonder why parking sucks taint during the winter. Thank you, asshole in the bobcat.

You just gotta watch Groundhog Day on Groundhog Day.

Glad Tre went home instead of Mike this week on Top Chef, seeing as with every episode that passes I like Mike Isabella more and more. Bullshit on Antonia winning instead of Fabio though. She is a bitch, and she made a pot of fucking mussels. I don't care what Tom (Sorry God) and Bourdain have to say in their blogs about her understanding the challenge. She cooked a pot of mussels. Fabio, you won in my book. Also, the Quickfire challenge this past week was the worst I have ever seen in my life. Since when has food ever been solely about presentation and not about flavor whatsoever? And boy, that Isaac Mizrahi is one angry gay dude.

Speaking of this past episode of Top Chef, my new ultimate goal in life is to eat at Rao's in NYC now. Supposedly the greatest Italian you can get anywhere, but the absolute toughest reservation to get in the world. Only 10 tables in the place, and everyone who used to go all the time in the 20s has a standing reservation for every night, a reservation you can pass down in the family. So basically I need to seek these people out, befriend them, and get an invite. And trust me... I will. TO ANY AND ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE A STANDING RESERVATION AT RAO'S - I AM A REALLY NICE PERSON. I AM ITALIAN. AND I AM HUNGRY. WANT TO BE FRIENDS!??!?

This girl is going to be soooooo hot when she grows up. I can't wait for roughly 19 years from now when she's legal.

Need to learn Photoshop? Here you go!

Really sad to see that Andy Pettitte is retiring. He was, hands down, one of my favorite ballplayers to watch. There really was nothing like watching him fight through 6 innings in a playoff game when he clearly didn't have his best stuff and still only give up 2 runs. He was an absolute warrior on the mound, and he will be sorely missed in the Yankee rotation. Who's excited for Freddy Garcia and Bartolo Colon!?! Buster Olney's article on Andy was great (sorry if you don't have Insider).

Saw this in the supermarket the other day:

Delicious!

You learn something new everyday, I always say, and this was especially true during last week's episode of Jersey Shore when Snooki taught us all that the ocean water is salty because of whale sperm. Duh! That makes total sense! Why else would the water be salty then because all the whales are shooting their loads all over the place in fits of passion!

Speaking of Jersey Shore, this article is hilars. I wonder what it's like to live in a herpes nest?

Our boy Dan Mills is all growned-up and a big Broadway star now! Still haven't heard his music? Get yo ass in gear.

The referee in the Puppy Bowl is such a disgrace. His hair is literally all over the place, and it is year after year. Seriously dude, this is the pinnacle of Puppy refereeing. Have some respect for yourself and take a shower at least. Also, do you think Michael Vick is allowed to watch the Puppy Bowl as a part of his parole? And if so, do you think he gets a raging bonor when the puppies start fighting? "Mikey, Jr! I'll bet you 5 bucks the pug wins! Also, could you hand me that pillow? My crotch is getting cold."

Few things about the Super Bowl:

- That halftime show was one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. The Black Eyes Peas suck, though I was kinda hoping Fergie's huge dick would fall out at some point in the show.

- Suck it, Brett Favre! As if it wasn't enough that his last year in the NFL (hopefully) was so shitty that he became a pathetic, worthless failure, now the team that he left because he was a jackass won the Super Bowl without him! And with a QB who is better than him to boot, even though he refused to help him learn the ropes when he was there! SUCK IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!

- And finally... once again, I can tell the future with my beer purchase. Let's go over the history: 2 years ago, I bought Iron City, and Pittsburgh won. 1-0. Last year, I bought Abita, and New Orleans won. 2-0. This year? I bought a plethora of beers brewed in Wisconsin, and who won? The Green Bay Packers. 3-0. I am a soothsayer. I say sooths. The streak lives on!

MMBF - 1/31: Friendship in '11

2011-01-31T20:17:00.010-05:00

To be honest, I wasn't going to do a Brain Fart today seeing as I was gone all weekend at Winter Camp 2011 at Mt. Snow, shredding fresh powder like Picabo Street in her prime even though it was only my second time out. But I decided I couldn't do that to you people, because I know you rely on me to help you waste time at work. So on with the festivites!

The Rangers beat the Capitals (again!) in a shootout last Monday, but did Steve see it? Noooooooo, because OUR BUILDING DOESN'T GET VERSUS. First off, NHL - get off Versus. It's a shitty channel. Second, my building - negotiate your shit with DirecTV so I can get the channel and watch hockey. ENOUGH WITH THE BULLSHIT.

Ohio St.'s basketball players are vocally gifted:

I saw my first episode of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena the other day, and if you like blood and titties, this is your jam! Also, if you are a fan of Xena: Warrior Princess (and obviously have no friends) because you think Lucy Lawless is hot, then check it out because you get to see her funbags.

This makes me sweat. God bless David Tyree.

I love that they're taking Jersey Shore to Italy next season, seeing as they can't even function as legitimate human beings when everyone around them speaks English. It should be EPIC. Also, that show has the most amazing comedic timing, such as when Ronnie and Sam were fighting (again...) and Pauly D came into the background with a birthday cake for Ryder. Good lord, what a fantastic show. I'm surprised the Emmy's haven't come calling yet.

SERIOUSLY, ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING SNOW. Wait. What's that you say? It's snowing again tomorrow? Fuck me.

Seriously, who gives a shit about the X Games? It's just a bunch of cool "rebels" who hate their parents doing tricks on boards while some guy screams out, "Holy crap! He just did a 1230 Double McMuffin Twistie SpinFlip! That was SSIIIIICCKK!!" It also is annoying because ESPN shows all that shit at night instead of something that people actually want to watch, like SportsCenter. I just don't get it.

This guy has some serious issues, though I guess his girl doesn't talk back to him, so maybe he's on to something?

This past week was the 20th anniversary of Wide Right! Ah, the memories! Bills fans, your thoughts?

I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World over the weekend, which was a movie I never had the inclination to ever see, seeing as it just looked like another emo cry-fest where Michael Cera plays the same character that he plays in every movie. The verdict? It's totally AWESOME. You need to check that shit out if you haven't already.

Flipping channels last night, I stumbled across the end of some documentary or show or whatever about how beer saved the world and made America what it is today. I forget what it's called, didn't write it down, and can't find it on Google, but I wholeheartedly agree.

And finally, while up in Vermont showing people that what Sean White does is really no big thang, me and my friends began spreading the doctrine of Friendship in '11. Basically, you should be as friendly as you can whenever you can, and people will recognize you with Friendship Points, which make everyone feel great. The more Friendship Points, the better this world will be. Think there would be so much strife in the Middle East if they began handing out Friendship Points? Absolutely not. Think World War II happens if the Nazi's were receiving Friendship Points? God no. Think J-Wowww and Sam would be punching the shit out of each other if The Situation was just handing out Friendship Points? No way! Point is, let's all start handing out and earning Friendship Points, and you'll see just how great life can be.

Friendship!

MMBF - 1/24: WHO WILL I PICK??

2011-01-24T20:44:00.019-05:00

Greetings everyone, and welcome to the Monday Morning Brain Fart, which you're most likely reading on Tuesday seeing as I neglected to do this on Sunday night. And by you I mean the 3 people who still come to this site. I feel like writing letters to people. POO BUTT OR WALK.

Dear Mayor Jeremiah Healy (or Daddy),

Please fix the traffic light pattern on Washington Blvd. It's fucking stupid that every time a light turns green, the next one, which is only about 20 feet away, turns red. It's like a fucking 20 foot drag race between each light. Not to mention I'm going to kill someone who jaywalks one day, and it may or may not be accidental. Fix that shit.

Dear Winter,

Please be over. We here in Jersey don't want to know what it's like to live in Buffalo, Canada. Global warming my ass.

Dear Antrel Rolle,

The offseason just freaking started and already you're opening your mouth and saying dumb shit. Just shut the hell up and lift weights or something. Tom Coughlin is not Rex Ryan. You probably knew this when you signed a $35 million contract with us. Football will be fun if/when you actually make the playoffs.

Dear Snooki,

You are an incredible human being, and I feel blessed to have you in my life. When you said you were giving up drinking, and then said, "I think Pinot's ok. Pregnant people do it."... I really couldn't have thought of anything smarter to say at that very moment. And thank you for being such a disaster that they showed 2 episodes of Jersey Shore last week. When does your book come out? Oh yeah, and thank you for introducing me to the word "Cooka." That shit is hilarious!

Dear Rangers fans,

I'm sorry for Brandon Dubinsky getting hurt. It is 100% my fault, and I take full responsibility. In football, I am cursed, but I thought it stopped at that. I have bought 3 Giants jerseys: Jeremy Shockey, Plaxico Burress and Rodney Hampton. Shockey turned into a psycho, Burress shot himself, and Hampton got fat in retirement. I have been given 4 as gifts: Ike Hilliard, Tiki Barber, Eli Manning and Justin Tuck. Hilliard had a solid career, Tiki is the greatest running back in our history even though he's a douche, Eli is the cutest Super Bowl MVP ever, and Tuck is one of the best defensive linemen in the game. So as you can see, I curse people when I buy jerseys. But like I said, I thought it stopped at football. So a couple weeks ago, I bought a Brandon Dubinsky jersey... and now he has a stress fracture in his leg. So for this, I apologize. I should have known better.

Dear Residents of Portofino in the JC who own dogs that aren't named Dexter,

Pick up your fucking dog's shit. It's disgusting when you go to the dog run to toss a tennis ball around and you have to step around dried up shit. Besides, most of you have shitty little rats as dogs, so the poop can't possibly be that big. Pick it up.

Dear Comedy Central,

Pull the plug on Onion SportsDome. Onion sports videos are funny in moderation, perhaps one quick viewing at a time. The whole show? Not that good. Really not that funny. In fact, it kinda sucks.

Dear People Playing Me in Wii Goldeneye,

That dapper man in the white suit killing you every time you turn around? Yeah that's me, Scaramanga. I own your shit.

Dear Newport Centre Mall Taco Bell,

I know I've mentioned this before, but thank you again for being one of the finest Taco Bell's around. Your beefy 5-layer burrito is one of the best, cleanly put together so that it does not run all over the place, yet still loaded with flavor and happiness. Plus, your cheesy gordita crunches are some of the few that don't stick to the paper when you unwrap them. Kudos, technicians of wonderment.

And on that note,
Dear Taco Bell,

The new beefy crunch burrito that has the spicy Fritos in it? Not a great idea. The Fritos end up kind of mushy, so the crunch aspect just doesn't work. You're better than this.

Dear Reader of this blog,

My apologies if this sucks. I'm listening to the Rangers on the radio at the moment because we don't have fucking Versus. So if I seem distracted... now you know why.

Speaking of the Rangers -
Dear Marion Gaborik,

Thank you for finally scoring in a hockey game. Now please do it more often than just once in every 8 games. We pay you to score goals, remember?

Dear Harbor Casino in JC,

You're a fun bar. A little divey. Darts. Cheap booze. Not overly crowded. LOVE IT. You'll be seeing me more from now on.

MOVIES I SAW RECENTLY:
The Rock - Still holds up. Fucking awesome 90s action movie. But I ask: Why did Nic Cage and that obnoxious marine want the chip so badly in the end? The last rocket was already gone, it was meaningless. I never understood that.
The Jerk - Hilarious. Made in 1979 and still funny.
The Dilemma - Better than I thought it was going to be. Pretty funny, but also kind of deep. There's a lesson at the end, kind of like an episode of Boy Meets World.

Oh right. This brings me too -
Dear Stupid Chick in the Theater where I was watching The Dilemma,

SHUT THE FUCK UP. I could say something specific right now, but I'll probably get in trouble, so I'll just leave it at this: You're an asshole, no one cares about your thoughts on the movie, and even if we did, we wouldn't want you to yell it then laugh like a fucking hyena. So stop texting, get off the fucking phone and shut the hell up before someone (me) runs you over with a steamroller.

Dear Scotty,

Thank you for sending me the following picture. You are a wonderful human being. You're also quite funny.

Dear Brian Schottenheimer,

You suck at your job. 4th and 1. Goal line. AFC Championship Game. Shonn Greene has been running over people like a Mac truck. So naturally, you give the ball to old-as-shit LaDainian Tomlinson and run him up the middle into one of the best run defenses in the league. Seriously?

And finally -
Dear everyone I will be at the Super Bowl party with,

I hope you don't mind having the result of the game blown for you beforehand because of which beer I buy. 2 years ago? I brought Iron City. Pittsburgh won. Last year? I brought Abita. New Orleans won. Sensing a trend here? Which beer will I bring this year? I guess you'll find out in 2 weeks.

Love,
Steven

Gallen de Robuchon Reviews: Colicchio and Sons

2011-01-19T13:56:00.058-05:00

Holy crap! 2 posts in 1 week? Sounds preposterous right? Well, if you said yes, then you're right. It is ridiculous. But in an effort to give you more stuff to read in the never-ending attempt to do as little work as possible while at work, I've enlisted the copious talents of The Chef of the Century, Gallen de Robuchon, to pen a review of a restaurant he recently visited. Chef, the floor is yours.

Parlez vous Francais? No? Well then, I suppose I will speak English, though it sounds so dirty coming off the tongue. Last week was my girlfriend and I's anniversary, which marked 5 years since she made the best decision of her life: dating me. So to mark the occasion, I decided to take her to one of the finest restaurants known to man, Colicchio and Sons. The establishment is of course the flagship restaurant of chef extraordinaire Tom Colicchio, who also happens to be a great friend of mine, as he is an equal of yours truly when it comes to culinary skill. I'm only friends with people who can cook as good as me, so obviously my stable of mates is quite miniscule. And if I needed to tell you that Colicchio and Sons is Tom Colicchio's restaurant, well you can just go ahead fall on a sabre.

Restaurant Review:
Colicchio and Sons
85 Tenth Avenue
New York, NY 10011
For Reservations: 212-400-6699

Ambience:
The restaurant itself is somewhat off the beaten path, but in my estimation, that's a good thing. It keeps away the riff raff that so often ruin my dining experience. You enter the restaurant and make your way up a small flight of stairs, where you're greeted by a lovely hostess who takes your coat with a delightful smile. The restaurant itself is split into 2 sections: the tap room, which has a full bar and a more casual setup, and the dining room, which is the more formal side of Colicchio and Sons. The 2 sections are divided by a monster wall of wine bottles, each more expensive than the next, though obviously money means nothing to me. I'm Ooprahe rich. Who's Ooprahe you ask? She's the French Oprah. Respect. Moving on... My lady and I of course sat in the dining room, which has just a wonderful atmosphere. It's not overdecorated, yet it has a subdued modern feel that is quite welcoming. The lighting is also perfect; I could actually see my lady's beautiful face, which is unfortunately not typical when it comes to fine dining. Furthering the wonderful experience, the level of the music was absolute perfection as it provided a lovely backdrop to conversation instead of overpowering it, again, as most restaurants do. Bravo, Tom and your decorating team.
Ambience Grade: A

Service:
Let me begin first by saying that my number 1 pet peeve with restaurant service is when the waiter doesn't tell me his/her name. I CAN'T STAND THAT. What am I supposed to say when I need my $2500 champagne refilled? "Hey You!?" or what about "Excuse me, It. Come here." Perhaps, "Peasant child. Serve me." No. I need a name. This is something I fully expected to not happen at my dear friend Tom's establishment, so suffice it to say, I was appalled when our waiter neglected to inform me of what's printed on his birth certificate. Unbelievable. That being said though, the service was absolutely outstanding. My lady and I were always served and had our plates cleared from our right side by ever-so-polite busmen. We were given fresh utensils for every course, even if we hadn't used all of them. Our water was refilled whenever the glass even thought about being empty. Our waiter, who I later found out was named Chase because it was printed on the check, was one of the finest I have ever had; he had an unsurpassed knowledge of the drink menu, which was quite extensive. He also wonderfully presented and described each dish as it was placed before us so that we knew exactly what we were inserting into our oral cavities. Going back to the drinks: the beer selection at Colicchio and Sons is matched only by the most excellent of beer bars. My lady had the Southampton Publick House Double White, while I sampled both the Corsendonk Christmas Ale and the Schneider Aventinus. Just absolutely wonderful brews. Top notch drinks. And top notch service. The only thing pulling this grade down is, obviously, the waiter not telling me his name. Can't overlook that fault.
Service Grade: A-

Appetizers:
On to the food! My beau and I both enjoyed 2 different appetizers. I'll tackle the Foie Gras Torchon with Candied Fennel Marmalade and Lillet Gelee, served with Brioche, first. I had never had foie gras before, but I've seen it a lot on Top Chef, so I've wanted to try it for some time. Yes I know, I am a French chef, and foie gras is french, but I rarely cook what I eat. I am the best chef in the world, and yet somehow my palette is too sophisticated for even my own cuisine. Go figure! Anyway, I decided that if I was to try foie gras (which means fatty liver, and is either from a duck or goose), I should try it at a place where I knew it would be the best it could possibly be, and Colicchio and Sons was just that place. The torchon had a consistency slightly thicker than a pate; it couldn't be spread, yet it was easily separated and was somewhat creamy. It had phenomenal flavor, which was only enhanced by the fennel marmalade and the gelee, which added a sweet note to the dish that I thought absolutely necessary. The foie gras itself was very buttery, very rich. The texture is not for everyone, but it was very enjoyable.

Our second appetizer was the Butter-Poached Oysters with Celery Root Tagliatelle and American Sturgeon Caviar. Caviar was another delicacy that I had never tried due to my overly sophisticated palette, but obviously, this was not the main aspect of the dish; the oysters were. The Oysters were delicate yet substantial, and had a wonderful fresh flavor that was only made better by the butter poaching process. The celery root added a different texture to the dish that offset the oyster nicely, while the caviar added that slight saltiness that brought the whole ensemble together. I can never get enough oysters, and this version certainly ranks as one of the best. A warning though to you fat people: the appetizer servings were a tad on the small side, so don't expect to get filled up on them.
Appetizer Grade: A

Main Course:
My love slave and I each had a main course, both of which I will review for you. We'll look at Megan's dish first, the Lamb Loin with Cavalo Nero, Black Eyed Peas and Honshimeji Mushrooms. I've always been a big lamb fan, and this one did not disappoint. The meat was beautifully cooked, medium just as it was ordered. It was also left unmolested; Tom let's the meat speak for itself. And this meat spoke loudly, it was just wonderful. The black eyed peas, unlike the hip hop group, were actually good and added a crunch to the dish, while the cavalo nero added the color. I was curious to see how Tom handled the mushroom, which is a rare fungi from Japan that can be prepared in a plethora of different ways, and he did not dissatisfy. The mushroom itself had an almost pulled pork-like consistency, with a very meaty texture. Very surprising, and completely delicious. Tom, you've done it again.

The dish I ordered was the Skirt Steak with a Horseradish-Crusted Short Rib, Bone Marrow Ravioli and Edamame, finished with a Bone Marrow Consomme. The dish was an absolute tour de force of cooking prowess, and while I would expect nothing less than perfection from Tom, he still managed to astound me. My palette was dancing in the streets after eating this masterpiece! The steak was cooked perfectly, a just delightful medium-rare that was exactly as I would expect to get from the best of steakhouses. Bone marrow was another delicacy that I hadn't sampled, and it was surprisingly tasty. It had a cheesy texture that filled the ravioli with wonderful flavor, while the other aspect of the dish that was made from bone marrow, the consomme, was so good I could have drank it straight from a glass. Sweet, salty, wonderful color - it's everything you look for in a broth. Simple perfection. The edamame was a welcome addition to the dish as well. But even though all of these aspects of the dinner were incredible, they all fell short of the short rib. It was one of the greatest things I had ever eaten, and was truly the star of the meal. The rib just melted in my mouth, and would have been delicious on its own, but the horseradish crust was the metaphorical icing on the greatest metaphorical cake ever. The coup de grace for sure. Thank you Tom for opening my eyes.
Main Course Grade: A++

Dessert:
Again, 2 desserts for me and the lady. First was the Warm Chocolate Tart with Hazelnut Brittle, Passion Fruit and Sweet Milk Sorbet. All of the sorbets and ice creams are produced in-house; you could taste the authenticity in every bite. The tart was wonderful, and all the other elements really added a level of sophistication to the experience. My dessert was the Cinnamon Waffles with Roasted Lady Apples and Calvados Ice Cream. The waffles were some of the finest I have ever sampled, and they were complemented beautifully by the dishes other accouterment. Pastry Chef Stephen Collucci, who I had actually tried to hire at my own restaurant, justified the faith I have in his dessert expertise. He is certainly a rising star, and it won't be long until he takes over the dessert world. We supplemented our desserts with 2 glasses of delicious port. I had the Seppetsfield Tawny 21 Yr., which is a wood matured port, while my significant other had a bottle matured Noval Black, Vintage Character. The Seppetsfield was the thicker of the 2, almost approaching a syrupy consistency - very sweet, with subtle hints of fig. Delicious. The Noval Black was lighter, with a smokier flavor to it. Also very good. Again, the drink list was second-to-none, and these 2 ports were evidence of that.
Dessert Grade: A

Overall, Colicchio and Sons is the crowning achievement of Chef Tom Colicchio, a man I've known and loved for a long time, though not only for his culinary expertise and prowess, but also because he is just a beautiful man. He had always wanted a restaurant like Colicchio and Sons, and it's safe to say that he has achieved everything he's dreamed of. The ambience was perfect, the service was outstanding, and most of all, the food was some of the best you can get on this planet, unless you're eating at one of my restaurants, of course. I may be the Chef of the Century, but I wouldn't put it past Tom to win Chef of the Next Century. Colicchio and Sons is his true genius on display, so if you have a significant amount of money burning a hole in your pocket and are looking for culinary perfection matched only in dreams, visit Colicchio and Sons, and tell them Gallen de Robuchon sent you.

MMBF - 1/17: I miss 24, sad face.

2011-01-17T21:28:00.013-05:00

Yes I know. This is a day late. However, I am writing this on a Monday, so it partially counts, just as long as you discount time of day. I feel like there is always a lot of pressure on comedians to keep being funny at all times, and because of that, a lot of them put a ton of pressure on themselves, which leads to various narcotic smoking and ultimately, death. Good thing I'm not funny at all.

Reebok's Zigtech sneaks are the shit. I sprung for a pair a few months back and all my foot pain has magically disappeared. I swear by them. Do yourself a favor and get some Zig in your life. Also, did you see Erin Andrews is the new face of Zigtech? No wonder I get a bonor every time I tie my shoes.

I feel like Oregon's football uniforms promote epilepsy. I seem to always want to stick a wallet in my mouth whenever I watch them on TV for fear of seizure. As far as their actual performance on the field goes - I hope they enjoy their national championship from this year when they are rewarded it in 3 years because Auburn gets all their shit taken away because they paid for hookers for Cam Newton.

What exactly is "shmeblicate"? The hot alien chicks in that Bud Light commercial need to do it with a man in order to save their species, but what exactly is it? I'm guessing it's alien for butt sex. Has to be. If there was one thing we'd need to do to save our civilization, it would definitely be butt sex.

Verizon iPhone - no voice + data? Ouch. Not that I was going to switch anyway, but that's a big demerit on Verizon's part. And yes I know, you have to actually be able to do voice to then be able to do voice and data, ha ha ha. When everyone jumps off AT&T to switch to Verizon and the network becomes severely less clogged, we'll see who's laughing.... Yeah I know. Probably still you.

I was thinking the other day, why do snow songs stop when Christmas is over? Take "Let it Snow" for example. It really isn't a song about Christmas. It's just a song about weather. So why, when Christmas is over, do radio stations automatically stop playing it, when it is very clearly still snowing outside? Boggles the mind.

I saw my first 5 minutes ever of V the other night. What a fuckin stupid show. But I love Juliet from LOST, so major brownie points there.

The Million Dollar Money Drop is incredibly gripping television. Few things bring me more pleasure then watching 2 dumbasses put all the money on one answer, only to see it drop down the hole, thereby awarding them squat. Haha suckers!

Wendy's is now offering "Natural Cut Fries." What the fuck does that mean? Did they cut the potatoes with a ray of sunshine? A particularly sharp blade of grass? That makes no sense. They basically think every soy milk drinking, tofu eating, tight pants wearing, crunchy hipster will see the word "Natural" in the description and spring to buy it so they can maintain their earthy lifestyle. Funny thing is it probably works.

Top Chef was supremely satisfying last week as both Jamie and White Tiffany went home. THANK CHRIST. Jamie is a stupid bitch who can't cook (why is she on this show again?), while White Tiffany was clearly the more lackluster of the 2 Tiffanys. I still miss Casey though. Good thing Fabio is still around to warm the cockles of my heart with his accent.

I like how LeBron tweeted that "karma was a bitch" (or something to that effect) after the Cavaliers got destroyed by 379 points last week by the Lakers, then denied it, saying someone else wrote it for him. Stand by what you say, you pussy. Oh no! I talked shit about LeBron! Does that mean I'm on his list, and he's going to get me? I'm diarrheaing all over myself as we speak.

Eric Mangini sucked as a head coach in the National. Football. League., and he sucks as an analyst on ESPN. The host will ask him a question, and instead of turning and addressing his audience by looking at the camera, he continues to stare deep into his host's eyes, like he's trying to communicate to him that he wants to tongue his balls once his bland and obvious analysis of the Jets Cover 2 scheme is complete. It's just creepy.

Get Him to the Greek was super hilars. And surprisingly, Puff Daddy was not lame. In fact, quite the contrary. I think we have a comedic star in the making. Hopefully he doesn't put too much pressure on himself to be funny all the time now, start smoking crack off of tranvestite hooker's wang pieces, and die.

The new Goldeneye for the Wii takes a bit of getting used to because of the control scheme, but once you get the hang of it, it's titties. Brings back fond memories of sitting in my buddy's basement and setting off remote mines in the Stack while my much cooler friends were getting to first base with the class slut. Ah, grade school.

Round 2 officially has gone to J-Wowww. Though I wish that Round 2 concluded with Jenni just taking out a gun and shooting Sammie. She is the worst. I hope Ron Ron Juice cheats on her again, then tries to sleep with her while his ween still smells like used condoms so she leaves the show. The world will be a much better place.

I own several pairs of jeans with holes in the crotches, and I have decided that there is no real downside to having that. 1) You get sweet ventilation for your nuts. 2) There is easy access for the ladies. 3) You have a great humor-ridden conversation starter in case of a discussion lull. 4) In some cases, you don't even have to unzip your fly if you have to take a piss. 5) People will think you're bold and daring for going out in public with the threat of anaconda evacuation right around the corner. Point is, I can't find a reason why it's bad.

The bartender at the White Horse Tavern in NYC looks like Bill Buchanan. What a great American hero, a hero who is missed dearly. Suffice it to say, the bartender was confused when I saluted him.

The Jets beat the Patriots. Woo hoo. Another week of incessant sports talk radio about Rex Ryan's various fetishes and want for trash talk. People, he talks a lot and is confident in his team. Get over it. No need to discuss it ad nauseam and make me want to cut the corners of my mouth with a sharpened credit card.

SWEET JESUS THE RANGERS TRADED AWAY MICHAL ROSZIVAL!!!!! CUE THE CHORUS OF ANGELS!!!! Now if we could only get rid of Wade Redden (who I believe comes back on the books next year), I will have a permanent stiffy. Also, it would be nice if we could score some goals. Marian Gaborik, get on that please. We don't pay you to be nailed to the pine because you keep shooting the puck at the goalie's chest.

Speaking of 24 (and if you had no idea that I already referenced the show in this blog entry (and not in the title), please stop reading this. Forever.), Chloe was on Modern Family! She's the best, and I miss her. I miss Jack. I miss Jack killing everyone in site in the name of justice. I miss President Palmer, the greatest President this country has ever had. I miss Tony Almeida, whose reputation will never be sullied in my mind. I miss Edgar, who was taken from us entirely too soon. I miss Curtis Manning, the baddest motha this side of the Mississip. I miss Renee Walker, who not only was hot, but was about to give Jack the happy life he deserved. I miss Aaron Pierce, the greatest secret service agent ever, and all around great guy. And last but not least, I miss Kim Bauer, because, well, she's just really hot, not to mention she has Jack Genes in her. The movie cannot come soon enough.

MMBF - 1/10: Thank God for Tramon Williams!

2011-01-09T20:02:00.012-05:00

Another week, another Brain Fart, but nothing else on ye olde blog shoppe (damn you Scott). One of these days, I swear there will be something else for your eyes to peruse while you're bored at work, but until then, you'll have to make do with only Monday wordsmithery. Wordsmithery that begins.... now.

Sidney Crosby is such a cry-baby bitch on 24/7. Actually, come to think of it, he's a bitch everyday of his life, not just on that show. I fucking hate him. He's a dirty player and will 2-hand slash you in the back of the knee when you're not looking, but when you so much as curse at him, he starts crying to the refs. You deserve your concussion Sid. Oh and by the way, 24/7 was some of the most incredible TV I've ever seen. Better than Hard Knocks, hands down.

Watched the lesbian scene from Black Swan the other day. That is some of the most disturbing carpet munching you'll ever see. I can't imagine how fucked up the rest of the movie is. Heard it was good though.

SportsCenter's commercials are some of the best on TV. Always hilarious. New one featuring Alexander Ovechkin, who unlike Crosby actually earns his respect, makes me laugh every time.

Got Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for my PS3 for Christmas, about a year too late because Black Ops is already out. No matter, that shit is impossibly good. Killing terrorists never gets old!

I wear the same glasses as Ohio St. coach Jim Tressel. That is neat. Should I start rocking sweater vests?

Good job Ohio St.! You won the Sugar Bowl with 5 guys who should have been suspended! Really, well done. Great accomplishment. I hope you look back on it with fond memories when the win is expunged from the record books in 5 years! That's right. I just used expunged in a sentence. Suck it.

Casey?!? You got eliminated from Top Chef? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! All J-O material from the show is gone now, frown face, not to mention any and all of the sexual frivolity that the Chef of the Century could possibly handle. It's a good thing Fabio and Tiffany D. are still around, otherwise I'd have to seriously reconsider my viewership of that show.

I was in the building for the Norwegian Hobbit Wizard's first career goal, an overtime winner in a 2-1 victory over the Carolina Hurricanes on Wednesday. What a great goal. It felt like I attended the birth of Jesus Christ himself. The Hobbit Wizard makes me sweat.

I LOVE Chinese food. I just love the taste of cat, what can I say? Anyway, I always order General Tsao's Chicken and an egg roll. But never this kind of egg roll:

NEED IT.

Can You Digg It??? volleyball enlisted the talents of yours truly for a match the other night, which personally I can't blame them for since I throw down so fucking hard. However, my extreme heat on the court does not come without consequence, so to the girl who now has "Spalding" tattooed on her cheek because I crushed her in the face with a spike... I sorry. But seriously, you gots to get out the way. Didn't you notice how nasty I bring it?

YOU'RE KIDDING ME?!?!??!?! REALLY??!?!? No one saw this coming.

Sweet Jesus Jersey Shore is back!!! But seriously, can Ronnie and Sam please be kicked off the show? They fucking suck at life. WHAT MAKES SENSE ABOUT PICKING THE TRIPLE BEDROOM YOU IDIOTS? Poor Situation. And already Sammy and Jenny were throwing down. I LOVE IT!

Went to the Professional Bull Riding tournament at Madison Square Garden on Friday. I can basically sum up the event in one word: America. Though it was disappointing to hear so much about Mutton Bustin' last year when I couldn't go and not see any this time around. What's Mutton Bustin' you ask?

CHILDREN ON SHEEP!!! HILARIOUS!!!

Playoffs. Saints - Seadogs. Game is on the line with 2 important plays. Sean Payton has Drew Brees as his quarterback. Drew. Fucking. Brees. Father of Baylen (that's for you Megan). Arguably the best QB in the league. So who does Sean Payton give the ball to on these 2 plays? Deshawn Wynn and Julius Jones. What? Nice. No wonder you lost to a pathetic 7-9 team in the playoffs, Sean.

Speaking of the Seahawks, Marshawn Lynch went all Beast Mode on the Saints at the end there. I swear, if I ever had grills, I would totally have them say Beast Mode - wait? What's that you say? Marshawn already has that???

And the ugliest man in football continues to deliver the comedy.

So I read that the Tiger Woods '12 video game will feature Augusta National, home of the Masters, for the first time in a video game ever. So does that mean that you can't pick a biddie golfer when you choose that course? Oh hey! I want to play at Augusta in fake life. What? I can't pick no chicks! Oh crap. Biddies might be reading this blog. No talking about biddies in front of other biddies (Rule #2). Moving on.

And finally, THANK GOD the Eagles are not going to win the Super Bowl again. I don't think I could live with myself if that team of scumbag players with scumbag fans ever won the whole thing. I thought the Eagles were going to win on that last drive, but thankfully Tramon Williams was sent down from the Lord above to intercept The Dog Killer and give Green Bay the win. Suck it Filthadelphia!

Love,
A Bitter Giants Fan

MMBF - 1/3: Happy 20-Sticks!

2011-01-03T12:07:00.015-05:00

Hola todos las personas who is reading this blog (5), and Happy New Year! I can't believe I've now posted a Brain Fart 3 weeks in a row. You must be peeing yourself with excitement. But now I have to take the next step: actually writing something else. Let's see if that can be accomplished before the world ends next year. Anyway, on to the Farting!

The Lexus December To Remember commercials need to be stopped. Every fucking year they have this same stupid sale on cars that only rich people can afford, and the commercials feature trophy wives using their husbands hard-earned cash to buy him a car with a huge, obnoxious red bow on the roof. He is always surprised by this discovery. A few observations: 1) SHE BOUGHT IT WITH YOUR MONEY DUMBASS! I bet he won't be so happy when he sees the credit card statement, along with the new Tiffany ring she's wearing and the new Coach purse that's on her shoulder. Money-grubbing whore. And 2) WHY IS HE SO SURPRISED?! DOES HE THINK THAT HIS WIFE IS BRINGING HIM OUT TO THE DRIVEWAY TO SHOW HIM HIS BRAND NEW CHRISTMAS CAMEL? Fucking idiot.

Watching the Rangers whip up on the Islanders is awesome! Great Ranger team to root for this year. Really hard-working. Tons of effort. Easy to relate to. LOVE IT.

This story is both amazing and mortifying in so many ways. First of all, good for her for having a dream and chasing it. If we don't have goals, then what exactly are we living for? But second, she has 2 kids. That means a man had sex with her. Sir, you are a disgrace. Remember rule number 1! NO FAT CHICKS.

I absolutely HATE the Hyundai commercials that have been running over the holiday season where one stupid bitch and her emo-rific man toy are singing Christmas songs next to a shittily-made car. The girl is a lifeless soul-sucker who aimlessly stares deep into your eyes while she belts out Christmas tunes, while the guy is some kind of 5 Hour Energy-guzzling jackass who's jumping around behind her banging on xylophones and dressing like Joe Young. Every time I see it I want to run head first into my TV, simultaneously ending the commercial, destroying the TV screen, and electrocuting myself. FUCK YOU HYUNDAI!

Ranting about commercials a lot today are we? Well, another ridiculous series of commercials that make me ponder self-mutilation are the ones for Cialis. Hey babe, did you just wipe butter off of my face while I was cutting this cucumber? Let us fuck! Oh my god! Did my dirt-caked hand just graze your shoulder while we were gardening? Well, time for you to suck my dick! It's a good thing I have this pill to make my wang hard! I'm so old, yet I still maintain a healthy sexual existence with my equally-as-old partner. Neato! Let's go get naked and sit in separate bath tubs up there on that mountain-top!

So Joe Webb, a quarterback who's barely good enough to start for my high school team, plays the game of his life and beats the Eagles, yet Eli Manning, an insanely cute Super Bowl MVP, can't? Sometimes the Giants make me want to run a cheese grater over my nuts. And speaking of the Eagles, the ONE FUCKING TIME WE NEEDED THEM TO WIN, they don't. Burn Philadelphia. Burn.

So remember how Tony Dungy made a big Christian stink about how Rex Ryan cursed too much on Hard Knocks? Well, where is his rhetoric now since Bruce Boudreau is making Rex Ryan look like a pre-schooler on HBO's 24/7? I don't think I've ever heard a man curse more than ol' Brucy does, but Tony is nowhere to be seen to tell us what a bad man he is. I guess cursing in hockey is ok!

So even though Joe Montana tried to ruin Rudy by telling everyone that half the shit in the movie didn't happen, it still rules. I happened across it over the weekend while watching the telly and obviously had to stop and watch, and that flick never fails to deliver the waterworks. Thank you, Sean Aston. And Fuck You Joe Montana.

Well, now that the G-Men have been officially eliminated from the playoffs and Tom Coughlin is officially going to be back as our head coach next year, here is a list of people we should fire:

Offensive Coordinator Kevin Gilbride - Giants fans have been predicting his play calls for 3 years now. You think people who actually do this shit for a living don't know what's coming? He fucking sucks. GET RID OF HIM.

Special Teams Coordinator Tom Quinn - The kick and punt coverage sucks more man junk than a drunk 20 year old chick at a frat party, our punter is the worst punter in the history of punting, our kicker can only make field goals if the hold is perfect, and our team had no idea an onside kick might come in an obvious onside kick situation during our meltdown against the fucking Eagles. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!? FUCK! GET RID OF HIM.

QB Coach Mike Sullivan - Our Super Bowl MVP quarterback has shitty footwork and threw 25 interceptions this year. This is what happens when you promote a WIDE RECEIVER COACH to the QB Coach position. GET RID OF HIM.

And with that, I would like to wish you are yours a wonderful and prosperous 2011! But before we officialy get down to business in 20-sticks, here was my favorite moment from 2010:

What was your favorite moment from the past year?

MMBF - 12/27: Merry Christmas!

2010-12-27T11:48:00.010-05:00

Greetings fellow humans! As promised, I'm back in some sort of groove, so here is my second Monday Morning Brain Fart in 2 weeks! For those of you who just passed out, well... I have nothing to say, because you're currently unconscious. But for those of you who have survived the realization that I'm actually posting again, kudos! Please enjoy the following worthless prose that comes from the diarrhea that ran through my head throughout the past week.

The woman and I went to Heartland Brewery in NYC after walking around the Holiday Shops at Bryant Park on Monday night. As we approached, we noticed that they have a sort of restaurant spinoff now, called HB Burger. So we decided to try it out. I had a delicious Buffalo-style beef burger, which had the bleu cheese laced throughout the burger, and a delightful buffalo hot sauce on top. Highly recommended. But the coup de grace were the tater tots, which were made with bacon and jalapeno jack cheese. Holy moly. Those were heavenly. Need that baco in your tots.

All hail Corey Wooten! The Bears defensive end is the latest hero to knock Brett Favre possibly out of his career, this time slamming him to the turf and giving him a concussion. Let's hope that ended his career! Thanks Corey.

I'd like to take a second to applaud the Newport Centre Mall Taco Bell on an excellent beefy 5-layer burrito the other day. It was clean, nicely wrapped and didn't fall apart in my hands as I ate it, yet it was filled with the same beefy, gooey, cheesy excellence that I'm used to from The Bell. Kudos, hair-netted gentleman in the back.

Aaron Rodgers is playing? We're fucked.

I bought my nephew Dexter a Michael Vick chew toy for Christmas, mostly because I decided that as a Giants fan, I needed to see Vick (or at least a plastic facsimile of him) destroyed at the hands of those he tortured, as a result of last week's embarrassment. Behold the grisly glory:

Gotta love the NCAA! 6 Ohio St. players, including highly-overrated starting quarterback Terrelle Pryor, were suspended for not paying for tattoos. So they're going to miss the Sugar Bowl next week? Nope. They're missing 5 games next year. Heaven forbid the NCAA miss a money-making opportunity and have important players miss a game on national television! What a crock of shit.

Speaking of college football, I don't want to hear any more shit about players bitching about how they don't get paid for playing. You guys get a full scholarship, including tuition, room and board, books, meal plan, etc. That's not enough? Shut up. Those of us who have tens of thousands of dollars of school loans to repay by actually working real jobs don't want to hear it.

I got my nuts scanned by the TSA 2 weeks ago on a flight to Phoenix from Chicago. I didn't care. I also didn't care that some guy who hates his job had to take a close look at my dong to make sure I didn't have a bomb on me. I'm all for anything to make my flight, and all other flights in this country, safer. Everyone who's complaining - Shut the fuck up. You want another plane to blow up? Go live in the middle east. I prefer my travel safe here in America.

I have now heard the greatest nickname in sports - The Norwegian Hobbit Wizard, aka, New York Rangers rookie right wing Mats Zuccarello. He's Norwegian, he looks like a hobbit, and he's 5'6". It's perfect! He's also awesome. Also, I saw Michael Del Zotto in person the other day. He's sexy.

I think it's hilarious how many people are getting hurt performing in that ridiculous Spiderman musical. What a stupid idea. Actually, the other day I was reading a reputable and well-respected internet publication that had a review of the musical that I thought I should share with you. Enjoy.

Yesterday was Snowmaggedon in New Jersey! I, of course, was driving home to JC from my parent's house in the middle of it, so suffice it to say, I've had better road trips. But I made it through alive clearly, so good for you! 3 funny things that happened: 1) I had to pee like a racehorse while we were parked on I-78 for 45 minutes, so I got out of the car and ran into the woods on the median. Of course the traffic started moving as soon as I whipped my cock out, so I had to squeeze my flow out as fast as possible and sprint back to the car in the snow. Sure I got a few laughs there. 2) Saw some douche driving a SmartCar in the blizzard. Whoever was driving that car is an idiot. And 3) The "Welcome to the Ice Age" sign on the Liberty Science Center in JC that I passed was very appropriate. They can tell the future!

Joe Buck just said that the Giants were one of the better screen-pass teams in the National. Football. League. Has he ever watched football before? Either Eli throws the ball 800 mph at Brandon Jacobs or Ahmad Bradshaw's feet and/or heads, or those 2 dumbasses drop it. Joe Buck - You're an idiot. The Giants suck at screen passes, among other things.

Just like I thought, Aaron Rodgers killed us. Plus, I swear if I see another Giants turnover, I'm going to run downstairs to the dog-run outside of our building, role around in the dried dog shit that asshole dog owners never pick up, get up, and plant a sharp spike in the ground. Then I'm going to run back to my apartment on the 18th floor, and jump off the balcony onto said spike. I anticipate this happening next week when we turn the ball over for the first of 5 times. They suck. Hello Bill Cowher!

I forgot how sad Cast Away was. Sure, there's a glimmer of hope at the end when he meets the redhead in middle-of-nowhere Texas, gives a look, and while the credits are rolling probably chases her down and bangs her out in the bed of her truck right in front of the dog, but seriously, first his plane crashes. Then he spends 4 years on an island talking to a fucking volleyball. Then when he finally returns home, Helen Hunt teases him with a few kisses before dumping his ass because she has a family she doesn't love. Poor Tom Hanks.

And finally, to all my fellow Gentiles, I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!

Ugh. Another week of work. Though at least this one begins with a snow day!

MMBF - 12/20: I'm Sick to my Stomach

2010-12-19T22:14:00.028-05:00

Hello everyone! I'm baaaaaaaack. And I'm pissed off. See Giants, New York.

Anyway, as I said, I am back for good. Back in the groove of blogging on a regular basis. Back to bore you with my pointless thoughts. Back to make you wonder why you even bother reading my nonsense because A) I'm not funny, and B) you have better things to do with your life. And finally, I'm back to telling you why New Jersey is the best piece of this land on planet Earth.

I think the reason I had gone so long without blogging was because once I missed a week or 2 of doing the Monday Morning Brain Fart, the amount of notes I had taken became a daunting amount, and I didn't feel like wasting days of my life trying to write every single thing I wanted to write about in such great detail. So as the notes kept piling up, my will to write kept slowly fading into the ether. But hark! I have figured out a way back into the game, and that way is: Half-assing it! That's right. I'm going to write about everything I wanted to write about over the last couple months, but instead of expanding on every topic and writing a Brain Fart longer than The Bible, I'm going to write a sentence or 2 about each, then move on, only expanding when necessary. That way, I get to write about everything I wanted to, and I can start from scratch and try to win all 6 of my loyal readers back. So without further ado, my glorified Twitter feed of a Monday Morning Brain Fart:

Hard Knocks was awesome. Sick of hearing about the Jets though, especially since they will inevitably fail and push their fans to the brink of suicide once more.

Jersey Shore is the greatest show on TV. I'm only half-kidding about that. Watch that shit when the new season premiers of January 6th.

Musikfest in Bethlehem, PA is one of the few good things that happens in Pennsyltucky. It's a monster festival - lots of good music, great food, and tons of booze. Can't beat that.

I think Joe Girardi is the worst, best manager in baseball. Yankees are always good, always going to make the playoffs or at least be in contention to do so, but the way he manages the bullpen makes me want to strangle small children.

I'd hate to be a Mets fan. Just when you think things couldn't be any worse for that pathetic franchise, their expensive all-star closer goes and beats up his father-in-law. Nice!

Angry birds is the most incredible game/app/anything you could possibly download in your life.

Fat cat is one of my favorite bars is NYC. I need that shit in my life on a more regular basis.

Jersey City is totally sweet. Yes I know that video sucked, but the moral of the story is the JC rules!

Not only are security guards in malls that scoot around on segways hilarious because it's so lame, but it's even funnier when 2 security guards are next to each other, but only 1 of them gets a segway. They actually make the other douche walk next to the fat ass who can't walk and gets to segway around. Hilars!

I'm fairly sure that the pet store at the Newport Centre Mall in Jersey City could not have hired a guy who looks more like a child rapist than the one dude who works there. He not only has a mullet, but he has a mullet with a RAT TAIL. If he had his druthers, he'd probably hand a child a puppy, then gently stroke their privates. Too creepy.

Sketchers Shape-Up sneakers look stupid. Stop wearing them asshole.

I made a bet with my roommate that LaDainian Tomlinson wouldn't get over 675.5 yards this season, mostly because I thought he was old, washed up, and would get hurt at some point. I already lost. Poo.

Bob Bradley got a 4 year extension as the head coach of the US soccer team. Not sure how I feel about that. He's done well, but his lineup choices usually leave a lot to be desired. And if he plays Robbie Findley one more time I'm going to shoot up a post office.

There are few things in life more satisfying than watching Papeldouche fail, especially when his fuck ups seal a postseason-less season for the SAWX. He is such a cock monger.

Congrats to my pals Courtney and Chris on their nuptials!

The Virginia Tech-Boise St. game to open the college football season was neato.

I've found the most obscure and weird mascot in all of sports: The UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. WTF?! Naturally, I bought a Banana Slugs tank top.

Colby Caillat brutalized the national anthem... though I forget to write when it was when I took this note. She sucks and should never be hired for any job again for the rest of her life.

The new Old Spice commercials with Ray Lewis are hilarious, even if he did kill a guy.

Brett Favre is a grandpa?! Just die already you old fuck.

1050 ESPN radio in NYC has a football show co-hosted by former Jet linebacker Greg Buttle. He is the worst. His analysis actually makes you know less about the game of football. I'm surprised Bonnie Bernstein hasn't shanked him yet, but I'm figuring she will the next time he uses the phrase, "When you look at...," which I know will be in about .05 seconds.

Ithaca, NY is the #1 college town in the entire country! That makes sense.

Hang out with the cutest man in the NFL!

The Cowgirls are so fucking lame. I've never seen a team celebrate more 3 yard runs than them.

The Entourage finale was sweet. I hope Vinny dies of a drug overdose.

The League is one of the funniest shows on TV. I'd say you should watch it, but it's over. So download it illegally or something.

Kevin won Top Chef! Where's he from? New Jersey of course.

Andrew Siciliano, the dude who hosts the Red Zone channel on DirecTV, has bigger ears than dumbo. How embarrassing.

The New York Rangers are back! AND THEY GOT RID OF WADE REDDEN! SWEET JESUS!

EasyA was surprisingly hilarious. Not ashamed to admit that.

The 10th Inning of Ken Burns Baseball came out recently. If you like baseball, you need it. Really interesting.

What's the best part of going to a Rutgers football game? Listening to the marching band playing Bon Jovi songs all night. I love New Jersey.

Great series win by the Yankees in the Division Series against the Twins. When CC wasn't good in Game 1 and the Yanks still won, that's when you knew it was over. Also, Andy Pettitte was awesome, and Phil Hughes was better. Neato gang!

I saw some piece about how Lawrence Tynes was hanging with kids with disabilities are part of some Giants community outreach thing. If I were the Giants, I'd keep Tynes away from the kids. He actually enhances their disabilities.

Giants beat the Texans! Cool.

I couldn't help but feel bad for Brooks Conrad after he made 3 errors and blew Game 2 against San Fran. He must feel awful.

Tough loss for the Braves in the Division Series. Way too many injuries, plus they ran into San Fran's unstoppable pitching. Too much to overcome. Fairwell Bobby, you will be missed by the game.

Darrelle Revis needs to shut up. Don't remember what he said, but I'm sure it was stupid.

Brett Favre pretends to be hurt all the time just to make people think he's tough. I'm convinced. I hate him.

Favre getting hit in the nuts! HAHA!

Made the pilgrimage. If you don't know what this is in reference to, you should be shot.

Giants won a game they should win and had to win. I think that was the Lions game.

If I have to hear that fucking Kid Rock song on TBS' playoff baseball coverage one more time, I'm going to jump off my balcony. Thankfully, the playoffs are long over, so I clearly don't have to anymore.

AJ Burnett had to just get Bengie fucking Molina out to escape 6 innings with only 2 runs in Game 4 against the Rangers, and he couldn't do it. Then of course Joe brought in Sergio fucking Mitre, and the game was over. He sucks.

Yankees didn't deserve to win that series. Texas outplayed them badly.

The Giants are knocking out QBs left and right! We broke Tony Homo's collarbone! I loved watching him writhe on the field in pain after Michael Boley ended the Cowgirls season. And what is Igor Olshansky celebrating down 18 after stopping a simple run play? Typical Cowgirls. They suck.

Friday Night Lights is the best show on TV. Watch that shit America.

Watched football at White Star Bar in the JC a few weeks back, and there was some douche who came in with a Favre Packers jersey. Then when the Vikings game came on, he changed to a Favre Vikings jersey. What a shithead.

I couldn't believe that the Red Bulls choked that badly in the second leg of their playoff against San Jose. Terrible way to end the season. Lots of promise for the future though, so I got season tickets for next year! w00t w00t!

Ithaca is awesome.

Giants slaughter Seahawks. Nice.

I really wish the Cowgirls hadn't fired Wade Phillips. He was so awful as a coach, I loved watching them lose over and over again. No more. Sadness.

The Rangers suck at home. And typically whenever I go to see them. COME ON.

Steve Smith is hurt?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Matt Millen and Joe Theisman make me want to rip my ears off. Bob Papa probably is suicidal, especially since he is one of the best in the business. Come on, NFL Network, you can't possibly think those 2 clowns are actually good right?

Ugh. Ithaca lost the Cortaca Jug to Cortland St. Oh well, at least we know those idiots will be working for us some day!

Miami Heat fans are embarrassing... Empty seats and silence at the arena to watch a team with LeBron James AND Dwyane Wade? Again, that's embarrassing. What a shit sports town Miami is.

Same old Giants in the game against the Cowgirls. Pathetic.

The Hess truck this year is a fighter jet?!?!? I remember when I got those things every year as a kid, it was always a cool truck. Now they're doing fighter jets?!?! My childhood is slowly going down the drain.

ANOTHER WATER MAIN BREAK?? FUCK! If there is one negative about Jersey City, it's that our millennium-old water mains keep breaking, leaving us all with no water. It's getting annoying, just fix the damn thing for Christ's sake.

Ithaca needs a new mascot. VOTE. Or submit an idea, whatever they ask you to do.

I actually went to Philly wearing a Giants jersey to see the G-Men. First off, heartbreaking loss. Second, Philly fans are disgraces to humanity. What a bunch of scumbags.

Watching the Heat struggle so badly is incredible. I love that they suck. Well, they did when I wrote this note down. They're pretty good right now.

Watching Brett Favre suffer in his last year in the league is incredible. He comes back for one last run at the Super Bowl, and what does he get? His ass kicked on a regular basis, the Vikings suck... it's so awesome! I love watching him burn.

Now Hakeem Nicks is hurt? We're fucked.

Qatar had to have bought the vote for the 2022 World Cup. You can't tell me that they would do a better job hosting than us. FIFA is so corrupt. We're voting to play the 2022 Cup in 120 degree heat? Really? We're doing this?

2012, the movie starring John Cusack about the end of the world, was horrific. Every ridiculous action movie cliche was in that. Cool effects, but that's it. Pass on that sack of shit.

Giants stroll over Redskins! Fun times!

Top Chef All-Stars is so good. I don't cook, and I can't get enough of it. Let's go Tiffany!

We've officially started the countdown to when Cam Newton has to give his Heisman trophy back. Don't you just love "amateur" athletics these days?

The Metrodome roof collapsed! Awesome! BUT WE DON'T CARE THAT IT HELPS FAVRE POSSIBLY EXTEND HIS STREAK. FUCK YOU ESPN. FUCK YOU ED WERDER. AND FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE. DIE.

I enjoyed how they kept showing Brett Favre with his hands in his pants during the game against the Giants. What a horny shithead. At least wait until the game is over and you're back in the locker room until you start whacking off to thought of yourself, Brett.

The Giants were up 31-10 against the Eagles with 7 minutes left. And we lost. In regulation. I now know what all Giants fans felt like after the Miracle at the Meadowlands in 1978. This is, by far, the lowest I've ever felt as a Giants fan. I can't imagine things being worse than this. What a horrific choke job. Fuck me. Not sure how long it's going to take me to get over this.

Ugh. Another week of work. But at least I'm back!

The Giants suck.

2010-09-30T22:09:00.035-04:00

Just like last time, when it took me 17 years to churn out a 6 mile long Brain Fart, I have been diligently taking notes on my iPhone 4 in the hope that one day I may write another Brain Fart again. Well, we almost arrived at that point tonight, however, I don't really feel like writing a novel, so I'm just going to rant about the New York Football Giants, because after last weekend's performance, they deserve it. I'm also a little drunk. So let's take this week by week, shall we?

Preseason - 8/21: Giants vs. Steelers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

I'll discuss this preseason game because I was there, not because it was a game of any sort of great importance, especially because Eli didn't play... oh right! Hold on one sec.

Preseason - 8/16: Giants vs. Jets - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

I wasn't at this game, but I do feel a few things need to be said about it:

1) The Giants won, which means we are, were, and always will be, the kings of New York/New Jersey/Connecticut/Half of Rhode Island? Maybe? Football. The Jets can make all the headlines they want by signing every miscreant in the league, being on Hard Knocks, talking all kinds of shit... it doesn't matter. This is a Giants town. And yes, it's called the New Giants Stadium. Actually win a Super Bowl Jets, and maybe we'll talk.

2) Victor Cruz is THE SHIT. Even Revis Island couldn't have contained UMass' finest.

3) To everyone saying that the Jets sent some sort of message about how tough they are by bloodying Eli during the game - you are all idiots. The only reason Eli got his forehead torn open was because he called an audible but decided he didn't need to tell the rest of his team. It's his fault the play went to shit, so it's his fault that he got some brains knocked out through a crack in his face. The Jets just merely took advantage of a broken play. If Eli communicates the audible to his teammates, that doesn't happen, so stop it with the "Jets are so tough" shit. Eli just had a minor brain cramp, that's all. He's still really cute.

4) There was probably something else, I think, but I forget. Remember... drunk.

Back to the first game I went to!

Preseason - 8/21: Giants vs. Steelers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

It was the Rhett Bomar show at the New Giants Stadium, and he was fine. The Giants lost, but WHATEVS! It's the preseason. This game was all about checking out the new stadium for the first time. We got there nice and early so as to experience the optimal amount of tailgating. There were cheeseburgers, sausage and peppers, and of course, the Champagne of Beer, aka Miller High Life. (From here on out in this blog, the High Life will be forever referred to as "Champagne." So don't ever think I'm talking about that fizzy clear shit people drink during wedding toasts. It's the High Life. It's the Champagne. BUT REMEMBER: Never, EVER, get the Champagne in a can. Only in bottles. Word to the wise.) We made out way to our seats, which were in the lower bowl on the corner of the end zone, about 30 rows up. Good seats, nice view, good amount of leg room. Great times. As we approached the end of the game and the stadium was emptying out, we made our way over the expensive, cushy seats that cost $20,000 per PSL, just to see what they were like. Well, let's just say I would be pissed off if I spent $20,000 for that seat because there was absolutely no leg room and the cup holder was ever so slightly sawing away at my meniscus. I bet the Jets designed that. What a bunch of IDIOTS.

Regular Season Week 1 - 9/12: Giants vs. Panthers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

I was at this one too! Which means I was at the preseason opener for the totally first ever Giants game at the new stadium, then at the regular season opener for the not-so-totally first ever Giants game at the new stadium. Represent, fo sho. Anyway, the Giants won the game even though they mostly played like dog doodie, but hey! A win's a win, right? And after last year, I'll take a win any way, shape, or form they can get one. The best thing to see was the defense actually make some plays when the opposing offense took them deep in the red zone, as they intercepted Matt Moore 3 times in the end zone. Last year, those drives resulted in Panther touchdowns, so that's a positive right?! Hopefully they would carry it over into the next game at Indy...

Regular Season Week 2 - 9/19: Giants at Colts - Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN

NOT! Granted, this was one of those games where you pretty much knew you weren't going to win. Indy had just come off a spanking at the hands of the Texans, and would be desperate to not start the year 0-2. Plus they were at home. Plus they have Eli's older brother at QB. You could pretty much chalk this one up as a loss, but at least the Giants could have represented themselves well. But they did the exact opposite and looked like complete ass. They talked the whole week about how they were going to game plan to stop Peyton, so they played most of the game in the dime and only dressed 2 defensive tackles. And what happened? One of the worst running back tandems in the National. Football. League. ran all over them of course. It was just a miserable performance on defense, and the offense wasn't much better. They couldn't get anything going, and Brandon Jacobs dancing around like a fairy in the backfield and then trying to kill a Colts fan with his helmet certainly wasn't helping. But again, you would have picked this game as a loss before the season started, so even though they looked worse than a pee wee team, no harm no foul.

This game also got me thinking - Is it time to give up on Brandon Jacobs? He used to run with such power, such determination, such passion. Defenses used to fear him, used to fear the absolute beat down he was going to lay on them. But now? No one's afraid of him. He tries to dance around people instead of running through them. It's like he thinks he's Barry Sanders all of a sudden, except Barry Sanders never weighed 280 pounds, so that's kind of a problem. But that's not all. Now all of a sudden he's got a major attitude problem because he's 2nd string and has no idea why. Well Brandon, let me tell you why: YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE YOU SUCK. YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE WE PAID YOU ALL THIS MONEY, SO NOW YOU'RE COMFORTABLE AND NOW YOU'RE SOFT. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE SOFT. YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE AHMAD BRADSHAW IS BETTER THAN YOU. There you go Brandon, the reasons why you're second string. Now you know, so now you can stop bitching to the media every five seconds. Start running like a man, and maybe things will change for you. SOFTEE!

Regular Season Week 3 - 9/26: Giants vs. Titans - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

Alright, so bad week 2 against the Colts, let's bounce back against the Titans, right? WRONG. Instead of putting forth a good effort and putting the nightmare that was week 2 behind them, the Giants played one of the most pathetic, undisciplined, embarrassing games I have ever seen in my life. They were absolutely deplorable, if I may use such a word. First, the turnovers. Usually Eli gets intercepted because he throws it right at his receivers hands, but instead of catching it they bump and set it to a defender. This time though, Eli decided it would be a great idea to loft a ball left-handed into the endzone. WHAT DID HE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!?? Then Ahmad's butterfingers reared their ugly head after we had driven all the way down the field to the red zone looking to close the gap and take the momentum. Oye. Now onto the stupid penalties. Ahmad chopped block some fat white guy in the end zone to give Tennessee a safety instead of us being able to keep a 50 yard completion to Mario Manningham. Stupid. Then everyone on the team starting losing their fucking minds!: David Diehl shoves someone to the ground after the whistle. Kareem McKenzie commits 2 personal fouls by jacking up guys after the whistle. Then Antrel Rolle bitch slaps some guy RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REF. Since when is a Tom Coughlin team so damn stupid?! And as if that wasn't bad enough, we took a delay of game penalty... ON A FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT. WHAT??!?! Totally undisciplined, totally pathetic, and completely awful. But wait! There's more.

HOW IN THE WORLD IS LAWRENCE FUCKING TYNES STILL THE GIANTS KICKER?!?! HE IS THE WORST KICKER I HAVE EVER SEEN! HE CAN'T HIT SHORT FIELD GOALS. HE CAN'T HIT LONG FIELD GOALS. HE SOMETIMES MISSES EXTRA POINTS. HIS KICKOFFS ONLY GO AS FAR AS THE 15 YARD LINE. WHAT AM I MISSING?!?!? WHY IS THIS GUY STILL ON THE ROSTER?!??!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! JHADGKLJAGJLNARN;VAINV OINGPIOWEG [OWIRNG QJNB JDFNAVPIO APOASD;KMJKV F JKLV I HATE HIM!!!!!! Please Jerry Reese. Bring in someone! Anyone! A Grandma! A dead person! I DON'T CARE, JUST GET TYNES OUT. (I'd do a picture of him for your viewing pleasure, but if I had to look at Tynes' face right now I think I would stab my eye with a toothpick and then try and ease the pain by pouring orange juice on the wound.)

Antrel Rolle - Shut the hell up.

Tiki Barber - You're such an asshat. People maybe kinda sorta might have started forgiving you for being dick, but then you come out and trash Coughlin again this week? Right before you're going to be at the stadium for your induction in the Ring of Honor this Sunday? Smart move jack ass. Get ready to get the shit booed out of you! Perhaps you should stimulate yourself in front of a minor so you have a legit excuse not to show up, much like our friend LT. The real LT, by the way.

Special Teams - Stop sucking. Seriously.

Giants - Where is the pride? Where is the heart? You're playing like you don't care, like you're just happy to show up and collect a paycheck. Maybe that's true though. Maybe I'm the asshole for thinking that professional athletes care about things like pride. Who knows. But as a fan who pours his heart and soul into rooting for this team because they mean so much to me, I expect a bit more than this putrid shit. Jokes on me I guess!

Time for some water so tomorrow morning doesn't hurt so much. Thanks for bearing with me!

2010 NFL Preview!

2010-09-08T23:22:00.017-04:00

I'm back bitches! And this time, it's not with a Brain Fart, but with a column filled with some of the worst gambling advice you will ever read. Last year when I predicted how every team in the National, Football, League would finish, I'm pretty sure I only got 2 teams right (suck it Ian!). This year I'm shooting for at least 3. Think I can do it? Only time will tell... Remember, just like last year, I went through the schedule and picked every game for the entire season, so these records are LEGIT. On to the picks!

* = Wild Card

AFC EAST

New England Patriots: 12-4
Even though Tom Brady is modeling his hair after Justin Bieber and looks like a douche, he'll probably have a huge year because the Patriots are cheap as shit and won't pay him. Idiots. Plus they have all those cameras on the sidelines stealing signs, so that helps too.

New York Jets: 8-8
Everyone seems to forget that the Jets were handed a playoff berth last year by two teams who couldn't have cared less about the last 2 weeks of the season. Sure they got hot, but the Browns finished the year on a 4 game winning streak too. See anyone picking them to win the Super Bowl this year?

Miami Dolphins: 6-10
They're best pass rusher was a guy signed last year from the Canadian Football League. Eeeee....

Buffalo Bills: 4-12
Speaking of Canada, it's going to be a loooong season in the Great White North this year. Trent Edwards sucks, Buffalovians. Accept it.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers: 13-3
This'll probably come back to bite me in the ass, seeing as Big Ben isn't coming back until Week 6, and even when he does come back, I'm sure the powers that be will make sure that a rapist fails miserably, but Mike Wallace is my jam in Madden 10, so I gotta stick with the Steelers!

Baltimore Ravens: 10-6*
Joe Flaccooooo has a bunch of weapons on offense now, and seeing as the biggest one (Ray Rice) went to college in the great state of New Jersey (the greatest state in all the land), the Ravens should be formidable enough on offense to compliment their defense, lead by Ray COUGHCOUGHCOUGHMURDERERCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH Lewis. Sorry. Got an itch in my throat.

Cincinnati Bengals: 8-8
Any team with that cock nugget Terrell Owens is destined for failure. And Cincy-area strippers - watch out! PacMan Jones is in town, and he about to make it rain on yo asses.

Cleveland Browns: 2-14
Any team with the Mangenius as a head coach and Jake Delhomme as it's starting QB is destined to be shitty. The only reason they'll even win 2 games is because they have Phil Dawson, who is the greatest kicker God has ever created. Trust me.

AFC SOUTH

Houston Texans: 12-4
This is the year Matt Schaub and company breakthrough and make it to the playoffs. That is unless new backup quarterback Matt Leinart doesn't screw everything up by inviting Paris Hilton or some other hooker into the locker room for a team BJ that results in all of them acquiring the herp. Tough to play football with an oozing crotchal region you know.

Indianapolis Colts: 12-4*
Eli's older brother once again leads the Colts to the playoffs. I wonder if it bothers Peyton that everyone (including his own father) refers to him as Eli's brother...

Tennessee Titans: 9-7
9-7 will be a helluva achievement for the Titans after Chris Johnson blows out his knee in Week 5 because he carried the ball so many damn times last year.

Jacksonville Jaguars: 4-12
This record is God cursing the Jaguars franchise for not drafting His son, Tim Tebow, to play quarterback for them. You brought this upon yourself, Jacksonville.

AFC WEST

San Diego Chargers: 10-6
Who needs Vincent Jackson when you have the official fantasy football sleeper of New Jersey is Clean, Idiots on your team: Malcolm Floyd! He's going to be a stud. Lock it up.

Oakland Raiders: 8-8
Surprisingly, the Raiders front office has been making smart moves this offseason. This leads me to believe that Al Davis is actually dead and the team hired a taxidermist to stuff him and sit him in the owners box. I just wish they'd make him look less like a horrifying sea monster and more like an actual human being.

Kansas City Chiefs: 6-10
Charlie Weis is the new offensive coordinator! And entire offensive line! His playcalling will totally take this offense to the next level, I mean, look at what he did at Notre Dame! Um, wait, eeeeee. This is awkward.

Denver Broncos: 4-12
So bad, I actually forgot to write about this team until I proofread this column and realized they were missing. If that isn't a sign of a shitty team I don't know what is.

NFC EAST

New York Giants: 10-6
I could go on forever writing about the Giants upcoming season, but I'll just leave you with this: The defense should be back to being nasty, and Eli is ready to take it to a level even higher than last year. That and he is impossibly cute. The New Giants Stadium is going to be rocking this year for Big Blue!

Dallas Cowgirls: 9-7
Home Super Bowl Jerry? How 'bout not even making the playoffs! Tony Homo sucks. Wade Phillips sucks. Dallas, well, sucks.

Filthadelphia Eagles: 7-9
The only good things to ever come out of Philly: The Roots and Will Smith. And as we all recall, Mr. Smith had to move to California to finally prosper as a real man.

Washington Redskins: 6-10
Donovan McFagg is the new quarterback thanks to Philly TRADING HIM WITHIN THE DIVISION. Assholes. Washington still sucks though.

NFC NORTH

Green Bay Packers: 12-4
Aaron Rodgers will throw for about 6,000 yards this year, which will make it even more of a shame that I didn't draft him for my fantasy team. Come on Phil Rivers!

Minnesota Vikings: 11-5*
Die Brett. Please.

Detroit Lions: 5-11
I was going to mark them down for 11 wins this year, but CC Brown is one of their safeties. He is so shitty, he actually will cost this team 6 wins. Sorry to pile on, Detroit.

Chicago Bears: 4-12
I think Jay Cutler could actually be worse than Rex Grossman, and that is saying a lot, because I think I might actually be better than Sexy Rexy. It's ok Chicago, at least you still have the Cubs! Oh. Jeez. Sorry...

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans Saints: 14-2
No one's going to stop Drew Brees and company from continuing to pile up massive amounts of points. I was going to put them down for 12 wins, but I gave them a bonus 2 for kicking the shit out of Brett Favre in the NFC Championship game last year. Good job boys!

Atlanta Falcons: 10-6*
Hotlanta, lead by the fake Matty Ice at QB (the real Matty Ice is of course Matt Saracen of the Dillon Panthers. Duh.), will make the playoffs thanks to a well-rounded offense. That and because visiting teams will be freaked out by how quiet the Georgia Dome is because Atlanta is such a shit sports town and no one is showing up to the games.

Carolina Panthers: 9-7
They got rid of Jake Delhomme, that has to be good for at least a couple of wins, right?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 2-14
There's going to be a severe shortage of canon ball blasts from that ridiculous pirate ship in their stadium this year because the Bucs offense is pretty terrible. I really wish that they would wear those awesome Creamsicle orange throwback uniforms every game however.

AFC WEST

San Francisco 49ers: 9-7
Probably the league's worst division will be won by a team quarterbacked by... Alex Smith? And if he gets hurt... David Carr??? For shame, rest of division. For shame.

Seattle Seahawks: 9-7
Pete Carroll, after breaking every NCAA compliance rule at USC, running the program into the ground and then bailing on them, has the Seahawks going in the right direction and on the verge of the playoffs. Yay 12th Man!

St. Louis Rams: 6-10
I believe in Spags. This team will be better than you think. You won't want to play them with a playoff spot on the line, YOU BEST BELEEE DAT.

Arizona Cardinals: 5-11
Think you're going to be a good team with Derek Anderson as your starting quarterback? HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! I LAUGH IN YOUR FACE ARIZONA! They better pray that Kurt Warner gets eliminated from Dancing with the Stars ASAP so they can drag his old ass out of retirement.

WILD CARD PLAYOFFS

6) Ravens over 3) Patriots
4) Chargers over 5) Colts

3) Giants over 6) Falcons
4) 49ers over 5) Vikings**

** = Brett Favre throws an interception to end his career. Again.

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS

6) Ravens over 1) Steelers
2) Texans over 4) Chargers

3) Giants over 2) Packers
1) Saints over 4) 49ers

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

2) Texans over 6) Ravens
3) Giants over 1) Saints

SUPER BOWL XLV

New York Giants over Houston Texans

I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!!! The Giants will not only beat up on their NFC East foes from Texas, the Cowgirls, but they will then beat up on the other team from the Lone Star State! Equal opportunity ass kickings! In the Cowgirls home stadium! It doesn't get much better than that. The Victor Cruz Era in New York begins with an absolute bang as the New York Football Giants are Super Bowl Champions for the 2nd time in 4 years! The entire left side of my body is going numb just thinking about the possibility of this happening. I think I need to see a doctor.

WEBF - 7/28/10: The Long National Nightmare is Over

2010-07-25T16:03:00.120-04:00

As the title of this post says folks, the long national nightmare of you all having to sit around your fireplaces with bated breathe waiting for me to post something, anything... it is over. And if you didn't have a fireplace to sit by, you were most likely sitting in your bathtub, surrounded by bubbles and engulfed in urine-temperature water, hoping - nay, praying that I posted so that you didn't have to drop the toaster in and end it all. Well sir or ma'am, you can unplug that toaster and get out, because the Brain Fart is back. Wrap yourself in a towel of comfort and safety and enjoy.

Mario Kart for Nintendo 64 is classic. I have both the N64 version and the Wii version, and clearly the Wii version has better graphics and such, but when it comes time for my friends and I to play, we throw on the N64 version. It's too much fun, and it never gets old. That would be all I have to say about that.

Memorial Day we had our annual Beer Golf Tournament, where we form teams of 4, and walk around to 9 different bars in Jersey City and try to shoot the lowest score. It is a perfect tradition, one that I hope we will carry on for many years to come. To score, you have to have a beer for par, 2 beers for birdie, a beer and a shot for eagle, and 2 shots for an ace. It's like a stimulus package for whatever town you live in, especially when you have a group of 30 or so like us, because you end up spending a ton of money as a group. I suggest you try it in whatever town you live in, though if you're lucky and awesome, you like in Jersey City and would just be competing with us. A couple of moments that I remember now that we are 2 months removed: At the Lamp Post Bar in the JC, there is some fat chick with short dark hair who bartends. Suffice it to say she sucked at her job. So we were glad to leave her, but by time we made it to O'Hara's Downtown, she had made it there too because she bartends there as well. It was like the worlds worst and bitchiest bartender was following us around. Another bar we went to was the Golden Cicada, a little hole-in-the-wall dive that is literally a brick box with no windows. It's run (allegedly) by the Chinese mafia (remember, Kobe "allegedly" raped a girl too), and they have this disgusting Chinese Moonshine that tastes like sadness and regret on its way down your throat. It is flat out awful, and they know it too since they don't charge you for the shot and say "Good luck" when they give it to you. It was so bad I tried to puke, and when I couldn't, I stuck my head in a garbage can with someone else's puke so that I would get sick and puke. No such luck. I don't recommend it. Lastly, we iced bros HARD. I'm sure you all know the bros icing bros phenomenon that has taken ahold of this country, and we took it to the extreme, icing each other at every turn. Need it.

The NHL and NBA Finals were pretty tough for me, seeing as both involved teams from Philly and The Nation. Vomit. In the NBA it was the Lakers and Celtics, and seeing as I can't stand Kobe Bryant, it was tough for me to have to root for him seeing as he is a huge douchebag, but I had to. In the NHL, it was Chicago vs. Philly, and we all know how much I despise the city of Filthadelphia, so I rooted for Chicago, which wasn't terrible because I have nothing against that city. Thankfully, both the Lakers and the Blackhawks won, so I didn't have to listen to the two most obnoxious fanbases in history go on and on about how awesome they are, blah blah blah. Maybe next year shitheads! The funniest part for me about the NBA Finals as well was when they were interviewing Ron Artest afterwards, and he thanked his psychiatrist. The NBA. Where Clinically Insane Happens.

The new (though I guess they're not new anymore) State Farm commercials are terrible because of one reason, and one reason only: their spokesman is a douchy tool. You know the guy, half white-half asian dude with the neck length black hair, preaching about how all your neighbors will tell you to go with State Farm. Well he sucks, not only because he sounds annoying, but because he always interrupts the actual State Farm agents who are trying to say shit. So now between him and that annoying bitch from the Progressive commercials, 2 of the most irritating people on television are in insurance commercials. Thankfully, esteemed gentlemen like David Palmer still exist to tell us about All State insurance. Not only is he well-spoken and handsome, but he was the greatest President in this country's history, and I will NEVER forgive that cockbag President Logan for putting out the hit on him and having him killed. President Palmer, your country misses you each and every day. It is an honor and a pleasure getting to see you every once in awhile telling me about All State insurance. Am I in good hands? No actually, I have Progressive, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. DAVID PALMER FO EVA.

My lovely beau made a lovely discovery a few weeks back that I wanted to share with ya'll, and that is a lovely little food spot in the lovely city that is Jersey City. It's called the Kitchen Cafe, and it's at 67 Greene St., right across from those 2 huge green/blueish towers in the Paulus Hook section of the JC. It's a non-descript little shack, and you pretty much have to know it's there, because the words "Kitchen Cafe" and smudged out pretty good on the small white awning. You walk in, and to the left there are a couple crappy little tables and booths, while right in the front of you is the grill with 2 gentlemen of Latin American descent waiting to serve your every culinary need. They do 2 things: Burgers and Burritos. That's it. There is an entire menu of chicken stuff, beef stuff, vegetarian stuff (but who the hell would eat that shit right??), etc., and you just pick what you want and ask for it as a burger or burrito. It is absolutely, flat-out, unequivocally, stupendously, DELICIOUS. The burgers are just perfect, and the burritos are some of the more flavorful Mexican fare I have ever sampled. Do you yourself a favor and head on over to the Kitchen Cafe and treat yourself, and tell them Jersey is Clean, Idiots sent you. Here's their website.

Recently, the New Jersey Beer Company opened its doors to beer aficionados like myself. Now clearly, with the name like that, the beer HAS to be amazing. Really anything with the words "New" and "Jersey" together in it, in that particular order, is incredible. But anyway, at the moment, they are on tap at 3 places in the JC, Star Bar, LITM, and the Iron Monkey, as well as a plethora of other fine imbibing establishments around this great state. They also currently are producing 3 beers, the Hudson Pale Ale, the Garden State Stout, and the 1787 Abbey Single. I haven't had the pleasure of sampling the pale ale, but the stout is very good, ranking right up there with some of the finer stouts this country has produced, and the 1787 (which commemorates the most important year in this country's history - the year New Jersey became a state), is truly a unique brew that seems to blend a hoppy ale with a traditional wheat beer. I'm not really sure if my description is accurate, but either way, it's pretty damn good. Do yourself a favor and swing on over to your New Jersey Beer Company-endowed watering hole and check them out. Here's their website for more info.

A couple of weeks ago I went away on business to the great city of Chicago, IL, one of my favorite cities in this great country of ours. A few observations from my trip:

- They don't call in the Windy City for nothing. Holy shit, I was literally being blown all over the place, and I'm fat. I can't imagine being skinny and having the wind take me out to Lake Michigan, only to be eaten by sharks. Yes, there are sharks in Lake Michigan. Be careful.

- The drive from O'Hare Airport to downtown Chicago (and vice versa) on I-90 is absolutely MISERABLE. I have rarely encountered driving on such a slow moving road (keep in mind I live in New Jersey, where traffic isn't exactly what you'd call free flowing). It takes for-fucking-ever to get back and forth on that road. I left downtown 2 and a half hours before my flight home, and I didn't get to the airport until 5 minutes before boarding, so yes, I was the douche sprinting through the airport, knocking over babies and senior citizens, trying to make my plane.

- The cab drivers there are INSANE. It's like pure anarchy on the roads. I thought there were no rules in the JC (and there aren't), but the cab drivers of Chicago take it to a hole new, ridiculous level.

- Chicago is filled with many fine drinking establishments, and one of the better ones is this placed called Piece, which does 2 things, and does them extremely well: Pizza and beer. That's it. They make authentic New Haven-style pizza, which is some of the best pizza I've ever had in my life, and brew some absolutely phenomenal beers, most of which are fantastic. If you live in the Chicagoland area and haven't checked out Piece, I highly suggest you do so. Website!

I'm sure you've seen the commercials for a product called the Powermat, which supposedly provides wireless charging to your mobile devices, such as the iPhone. Basically you stick their charging thingy on the back of your device, then you just have to lay the device on the mat, and it charges. BUT THAT'S NOT FUCKING WIRELESS, BECAUSE WHEN YOU TAKE IT OFF THE MAT, IT STOPS CHARGING. WIRELESS CHARGING WOULD BE IF YOUR DEVICE CHARGED WHILE BEING IN A CERTAIN AREA, OR JUST CHARGED ANYWHERE YOU WERE ON A WI-FI NETWORK. As it stands with my iPhone, to charge it I plug it in and leave it on my nightstand. With the Powermat, I would put it on the mat to charge, AND LEAVE IT ON MY NIGHTSTAND. WHAT IS THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE?!!? You're stupid if you buy the Powermat. Really stupid.

As you all know, I am a HUGE fan of the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee, aired every year on ABC in primetime. It is the gold standard in athletic competition amongst children of both genders under the age of 13, and every year it just keeps getting better and better. The best part remains that Erin Andrews is the backstage reporter for the event, so you just know that many a young boy at the bee is getting his first bonor while she interviews them. Dr. Bailey, the guy who does the word pronunciation and more or less emcee's the event, is a God. He has a perfect voice, is the perfect persona for the event as prestigious as this one... he is simply The Man. What sucked was that the announcers on ABC for the show kept talking over him. HEY DOUCHEBAGS, SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME ENJOY THE SWEET, DULCET TONES OF DR. BAILEY. I GET TO WATCH THIS ONCE A YEAR. DON'T FUCKING RUIN IT FOR ME!!!! We then discovered that they invited a freakin' Canuck to the event, but thank God she was defeated by our usual array of Indian and Chinese children. At least they live in our great land.

Stephen Strasburg, as you know, is the most hyped pitcher to come into the league in a long time, and trust me when I say this (even though I'm sure you already know), he is absolutely one of the nastiest pitchers I have ever seen in my life. He's making some of the best hitters in baseball look like flailing kindergartners up at the plate. I am so excited for him to come and pitch against the Mets because A) he will absolutely embarrass them seeing as they suck enough already, and B) I get to go see him. He is insanely awesome. He is the New Jersey of Major League pitchers.

Let me pose this query to you, because I sure as hell don't know the answer: How long is Dippin' Dots going to be the ice cream of the future?!?!? For as long as I can remember, dating back to the days when I was but a wee little lad, I've been walking by Dippin' Dots stands and seeing that it is the ice cream of the future. Well Dippin' Dots, guess what - IT'S THE FUTURE NOW! AND YOU'RE NOT THE ICE CREAM STANDARD!!! BITCHES. When you buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's (to not only enjoy great tasting ice cream but to support those damn Dems), what does it look like when you open the lid? ACTUAL ICE CREAM, NOT THOSE FUCKING LITTLE DOTS! Dippin' Dots has been lying to us our entire lives, and they continue to do so to children everywhere. Kids, if you're reading this, don't believe what Dippin' Dots is telling you! They're selling you a bag of lies that if you let get to you will leave you sulking in a corner wondering what could have been as you stare down at your half gallon carton of Breyer's ice cream. For shame Dippin' Dots. For shame.

You know the guy on the highway that flies buy you even though you're going 85 MPH? Well I have a new term for that guy: The Fishing Line. He is The Fishing Line because you cast him out to catch all of the cops in front of you, more or less freeing you up to drive whatever speed you'd like and as recklessly as you like. Want to drive 115 MPH? GO FOR IT! As long as there is The Fishing Line in front of you, the road is yours. Want to tailgate a smaller car, then pass him on the right at 90, then cut off a tractor trailer and slam on your brakes so that he has to go nuts and swerve into the next lane, smashing into a Toyota Prius in the process? HAVE A BALL! As long as The Fishing Line is flying up ahead of you making sure that the cops are preoccupied with him, do whatever the hell you want! God save The Fishing Line.

I'd like to take a moment to salute a few gentlemen who are promoting a worthy cause, one that New Jersey is Clean, Idiots is more than happy to get behind. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Jersey Doesn't Stink. It's a website devoted to fighting the good fight and turning back all of the criticism that our wonderful state gets from outsiders who just don't get how amazing this state really is. So I suggest you sign up on their site and get behind a just and righteous cause. It'll make you feel all warm and tingly on the inside, even more warm and tingly than those little boys at the Spelling Bee do when Erin Andrews is rubbing up against them interviewing them in the tight backstage area.

I am a man. I drive a Ford Focus. And I'm not afraid to admit that the Ford Focus is mostly a chicks car, and that seeing a dude behind the wheel of a Foc is rarer than venturing through Texas and getting a great photograph of La Chupacabra. But there are some self-respecting males out there such as myself who drive this mythical chick-mobile. Now, when motorcyclists pass each other, what do they typically do? They salute each other, or wave, or do whatever macho handshake they have come up with. In that same light, I am proposing this: The Focus Salute. Are you a man who drives a Focus who passes another man driving a Focus on the highway? Salute him! We are a rare breed who need to stick together, so what better way to show our brotherhood than to salute each other as we dominate the roads. Why did I pick your standard salute as this sign of kinship? Because this is America, and Fords are made in America, so what better way to celebrate our minority status than to use one of the most recognizable signs of America. So the next time you're driving down 78 in Jersey in your Focus and you happen to see a mid-20s male in a red '08 Focus, salute me, because you sure as hell know I'm going to salute you!

A couple of weeks back I went to Wildwood, NJ for a little weekend at the shore with my lady. Now, let me all remind you that there is no greater shore on this planet than the shores of the Jersey shore. That goes without saying. However, Wildwood isn't exactly keeping up with the great standard of excellence that such places as Avalon, Belmar, Seaside Heights, and Stone Harbor are maintaining. First of all, let's just say that it's not difficult to find out why many refer to Wildwood by the nickname "Childwood." You could get arrested for statutory rape just by looking at the some of the girls there. Lugo - Stay away. Second, the boardwalk feels like it could fall out from under you literally at any moment. Granted, that could be a good thing seeing as if you fell through and broke your leg into 16 pieces, at least you could sue the town and get rich, but it would hurt a helluva lot. Childwood, clean up your act please. You're dragging us down here.

As a proud alum of the greatest college on the planet, Ithaca College, there are many things about Ithaca that I enjoy and miss tremendously. I miss Moonshadows, though I can never go back there because they have bastardized the shit out of it. It will have to live on in my memories. I miss the Chapter House. I miss Collegetown Bagels. I miss Shortstop subs, the greatest subs on the entire planet. I also miss Wegmen's subs. Yes, Wegmen's is in a lot of places other than Ithaca, but it's nowhere near us here in the JC, so I identify Wegmen's with Ithaca. And believe me when I tell you this: Wegmen's subs are IMMACULATE. Aside from Shortstop, you will never eat a more delicious sub in your entire life. I get the 14 inch Buffalo Chicken Finger Sub with extra wing sauce, provolone, lettuce, and blue cheese. It's so good I cannot describe it with the written word. If you live near a Wegmen's, go get a sub from there right now. Literally. Stop what you're doing and go get one. You will thank me when you're done.

A couple of weekends ago was the New York Brewfest on Governor's Island. There were literally hundreds of breweries from all over the world at one spot, and you were given a 4 oz. sampling glass and the freedom to fill it with whatever beer you wanted, over and over and over again. Suffice it to say sobriety wasn't the word of the day, so it was a ton of fun. Ithaca Brewery was one of the companies there, which was extra cool. This was the first year I had gone to it, but apparently it happens once every year, so you can bet I'll be going again next year, and you should too. You'd also be smart to follow our lead and go to the Pancake Factory in the JC afterwards for breakfast for dinner, or as I like to call it, brinner. There is no better way to end an epic day of drinking than with a huge bacon, egg and cheese pancake wrap. Try to contain the tightening of your pants as I write this. You're most likely in a work environment, and bonors can be embarrassing.

I recently had the chance to watch June 17, 1994, one of ESPN's phenomenal 30 for 30 documentaries. The main reason that I watched it was because that was the day of the Ranger's parade down the Canyon of Heroes after we won the Stanley Cup in 1994, and seeing as the Rangers suck these days, I take any chance I can to relive the good ol' days. But that day also was Knicks-Rockets Game 6 in the NBA Finals, Arnold Palmer's last US Open round ever, the World Cup in the US kicked off in Chicago, and the OJ Simpson Ford Bronco chase happened in LA. It was a day of emotional ups and downs, filled with enough tra - ah, who the hell am I kidding? THE RANGERS WON THE CUP!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!! ONLY 36 YEARS MORE UNTIL OUR NEXT ONE!!!!! I hate Glen Sather. The documentary though was awesome. There were no talking heads, no narration - just archival footage with nat sound alone to tell the story for a whole hour. It 100% worked completely. Really compelling stuff. Check it out if you haven't already.

I love McSorley's, my favorite bar in the entire world, more than you can imagine. You need it more than you need air to breathe. Period. Nothing more needs to be said.

I finally saw Funny People, Judd Apatow's film starring Adam Sandler as a dying comedian and Seth Rogen as his assistant, for the first time a few weeks ago. I had heard mixed reviews for it. Some people thought it was hilarious, others thought it was too artsy for its own good. I have to say it was a little bit of both. Apatow does try to be a little too pretentious for his own good, but at the same time it was pretty hilarious. Actually, it was more or less one huge penis joke, which was great, because penis jokes are always funny, just like poop jokes. Penis and poop = hilarious 100% of the time. So if you like dick jokes, watch Funny People. If you want to see a funny movie, watch Funny People. If it angers you beyond belief when a director tries to be all artsy and shit so that hipsters love him, don't see it. Unless you're a hipster, in which case you'll love it.

Keeping with the movie review theme, the woman and I saw Toy Story 3 not too long ago, and it was just as good as the first 2. I love Pixar movies because they not only are really impressive looking but they're usually written well and are really funny. Toy Story 3 is no exception. Sure it was geared towards kids, as the first 2 were, but just like the first 2 there was enough adult humor that the kids wouldn't be able to figure out to keep us entertained. If you loved the first 2, go see this one. If you hated the first 2, THEN YOU ARE CLEARLY MISSING A SOUL.

My roommates and I recently got Tiger Woods 11 for the PS3. I've never been much of a golf game guy, seeing as I rented Tiger Woods '09 for the Wii a couple years back and it was terrible. But I have to say, this game is pretty awesome. We all got to create our own golfer, then make him better and take him on the PGA Tour. My guy looks like he had a bad chemical accident when he was a child, so he used to get made fun of a lot by his peers, but now he's on the PGA Tour, so he's showing those bullies what's up. The best part of the game is when you play as Tiger Woods, because when you tee off, you can either walk directly to your ball, or stray into the woods where Perkin's waitresses are waiting for you to give you a blow job and a reach around. It's funny because the PS3 controller vibrates when you're getting your asshole touched. So realistic!

So there's this show that I'm not sure anyone has really heard of, but it's pretty cool. You know, pretty standard drama stuff, a couple of compelling characters. It's well written. The acting is really good. You should totally check it out. Season 2 is coming up actually. Here's the trailer for it:

MTV Shows

Oh, you've heard of Jersey Shore? Ridiculous! I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED FOR ONE OF THE WORST SHOWS ON TELEVISION TO COME BACK!!!! THIS THURSDAY BIOTCH!!!

Just like the Spelling Bee, I think you all know how much of a psycho I am about the July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan's on Coney Island. It is a yearly tradition of mine to completely ignore my friends and family and watch men and women both fat and skinny shove hot dogs down their throats as fast as possible, obviously in glorious High Definition television. I absolutely cannot get enough of it. Joey Chestnut, a representative of this great country, won the competition again for the 4th year in a row, though this year was a bit anticlimactic since Takeru Kobayashi didn't compete since he was in the midst of a labor impasse with Major League Eating. It was a shame really, that the former best hot dog eater in the world wasn't there to push the best hot dog eater in the world, because Chestnut underwhelmed in victory. It was victory nonetheless however, and it was righteous when he took a shot at Kobayashi afterwards when he said he wasn't a real man because he wasn't on the stage competing. This must have enraged Kobayashi because afterwards he rushed the stage and was arrested by the NYPD. Miscreant.

July 4th, as you know, is Independence Day here in America. It was the day when this great country of ours declared to the United Kingdom: "Kill yourselves!" And it's also the day when we celebrate with friends, family and fireworks, both in person and on TV shows that feature... foreign performers? That's right, it seems that most of our specials on TV are featuring performers who are not from this great country. The NYC Macy's fireworks celebration featured 3 performers: Justin Bieber (Canada), Enrique Iglesias (probably Mexico or Spanish or something), and LeAnn Rimes (finally an American!). Sure, those freeloaders made their fortunes in our country, but what the hell are they doing helping us celebrate our big day? Fine, whatever Macy's. Let's switch over to the Boston Pops, hosted by!!... Craig Ferguson? A Scottish guy? Hmmm. Well, there's always the Washington, D.C. celebration! Let's turn to that one, a celebration of our country's birth in the very capital of this great country. There is no place more American to celebrate America. Oh, who's that performing? It's Washington, D.C.! It's America! It's... Celine Dion!?!? Well, maybe the next person will be American. They have to be! Oh, here he comes! It's... Michael Buble?!?!? We invited two CANADIANS?!?!?! What the fuck.

I'm not Jewish. I am Roman Catholic. But I have to tell you, there are few better places to eat on this planet than Katz' Deli in New York City, which is a Jewish deli. The pastrami and corned beef is absolutely unmatched anywhere else. It's phenomenally delicious. They also make the world's most killer knishes, which for those of you who don't speak Yiddish is a fried pastry filled with potato. I cannot get enough of that place, though unfortunately, neither can the rest of New York City since it's always swamped, so you have to pick the right times to go there so you can actually get a table and get your food without having to wait for an hour. I usually always get a knish and a pastrami reuben, which is a little slice of heaven. You NEED it in the your life if it already isn't.

The Loobster's birthday is July 6th, and she had told me that she wanted to see Lady Gaga in concert. Well, it just so happened that not only was Gaga playing her first shows at Madison Square Garden on July 6th, 7th and 9th, but I also have a weird fascination with her. So I bought the tickets for her show on the 7th and we went to see the woman, the myth, the legend - Gaga. Let's just say 2 things: 1) She did not disappoint, and 2) the show is decidedly not children-friendly, much to the chagrin the the mothers who brought their little daughters to the show. The opening band was some freak show called Semi Precious Weapons that was actually a decent rock n' roll band, however, their lead singer was the scariest transvestite I have ever seen in my life. Then Gaga came on, and she put the tranny to shame. She played an entire set bleeding profusely from her neck. She played a video where some girl puked green all over her. She wore a metal bikini that spit flames out of her boobies and cha cha. She introduced her German dancer Michael who loves American woman, but loves American men more (as he made the universal mouth motion for a BJ directly to the camera). She "fought" a huge man-eating fish with tentacles, then let it take her clothes off and have sex with her. It was absurd. It was outrageous. It was... pretty awesome. Words really can't describe how insane it was, but I'm glad I saw it. I think.

LeBron James is a bitch. But you already knew that. His "Decision" show on ESPN shows just how much of an attention whore he really is. He isn't happy unless he is in the spotlight, and he used that spotlight to take a huge steaming shit all over the city of Cleveland (though luckily for the folks of Cleveland, they're used to being pooped on, so this was nothing new). Then not only did he leave Cleveland, but he left Cleveland so he could ride the coat tails of Dwyane Wade in Miami. It's like he was telling us, "I'm not good enough to win a championship on my own, so I'm just going to go to a team with a player who is better than me and let him carry me to a title so I can win and pretend I'm one of the game's greats." What a pussy. It's a shame that we're going to be robbed of seeing potentially one of the game's greats because he is so weak.

More on LeBron: My friends and I were discussing Derek Jeter, and how much of a gentlemen he is when it comes to the ladies on an email chain, when I decided to use the following metaphor to compare Mr. Jeter to LeBitch James:

"LeBron would have had one of his boys pick her up and bring her to his crib. He then would have banged her out in the most violent way possible, but made it juuuuuust gentle enough to keep her coming back for more. It would go on for hours, but when it came time to blow his load on her chest, he would quit on her. Quit on her at the moment she needed him most. He'd then lay there for a bit, contemplating his next move, before getting up and running out of the room because his two best friends organized a gang bang for the 3 of them with some rich slut. The girl in his bed would be emotionally destroyed by this, before cutting her wrists open and setting the bed on fire."

I thought that metaphor appropriate. You agree?

Even more on Lebron!: A couple of us were watching Space Jam the other day. There is a scene at the end when Michael Jordan makes a deal with the head alien that if the aliens win, MJ is sentenced to a life of servitude on some foreign planet, which will be absolutely miserable for him. But if the Looney Tunes win, all of Jordan's friends get their basketball powers back. It literally took .03 seconds for Jordan to make that deal with the alien, even though he was taking a huge risk with his life. I think this says it all about LeBron - as soon as Jordan took the bet, the first words out of my mouth were, "I guarantee LeBron doesn't take that bet." Yep. That says it all.

Taco Bell is awesome, delicious and nutritious. You know this. I know this. Everyone knows this. I always have a standard order of a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, a Nacho Cheese Chicken Chalupa, and a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. 99% of the time, that's what I get. But everyone once in a while, the Bell comes out with a new product that piques my interest, as well as that of the citizens of this great country. This time, it's the Bacon Club Chalupa. And hot damn is it delicious. It's so good in fact, that it's threatening to break into my regular rotation. Obviously, every thing is better when there is bacon on it, and this is no exception. It is delightful. Gallen de Robuchon was with me when I tried it for the first time, and he concurred with my thoughts, that it was a masterstroke in culinary technique and flavor. I suggest you heed the advice of Gallen de Robuchon and try one for yourself. You'll thank him.

We always say celebrities die in 3s, but in this case recently, it seems that Yankees greats die in 3s. First it was Bob Sheppard, or the 'Voice of God" as he is lovingly referred to, then came George Steinbrenner, the longtime owner of the Yankees, and then ex-manager Ralph Houk, who led the Yanks to back-to-back World Series titles in '61 and '62. May they all Rest in Peace. As far as The Boss goes, it is without question that he is the greatest owner in the history of sports. Sure, many people criticize him, and he was surely not a man without fault, but wouldn't you want your team to be owned by The Boss? This was a man who would spend and do literally whatever it took to deliver a winner to his team's fans, and did he ever deliver that winner. Under his watch, the Yankees won 11 pennants and 7 World Series titles. There will never be another owner quite like Mr. Steinbrenner. TIME TO PILE ON CLEVELAND SOME MORE!!! Steinbrenner actually had an agreement to purchase the Indians in 1971, but the Indians backed out of it and turned to someone else. As you know, The Boss then bough the Yankees in '73 and won 7 World Series titles. The Indians, and the city of Cleveland as a whole for that matter, haven't won a title since 1948. Eeeeeeeeee, ouch.

The ESPYs are ESPN's annual awards show for the year's best-in-sports moments and players, and it is usually fun to watch, if only to see how hot Erin Andrews looks in whatever skimpy dress she's wearing while she interviews players who cannot take their eyes off of her body. One of the awards they give out is play of the year. At the beginning of this baseball season, White Sox pitcher Mark Buerhle made one of the most insane plays I have ever seen, fielding a ground ball in foul territory by first base and flipping it backwards between his legs with his glove to the first baseman for the out. Absolutely incredible. A shoe-in for the best play of the year award... that is until they gave it to Brett Fucking Favre. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? The play they gave it to Favrah for was for when the Vikings beat the 49ers when Farvee threw it up to Greg Lewis at the last moment and Lewis made an unreal catch in the end zone to win it. Yes, it was a good play. What is better than Buerhle's? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's just further evidence on how badly ESPN likes to tongue Favre's balls just so he likes them and tells them stories before other networks about how he still can't decide if he's playing next year. Fuck him, and fuck ESPN. I wish he would just go away and have his leg horrifically mangled in a mowing accident.

Connecticut is literally the worst state in this entire country. Not only is it filled with some of the most ridiculously rich snobs I have ever met, but it has the worst traffic I have ever experienced in my entire life. Whenever I drive through it, it never fails to make me so miserable that I want to kill myself. Whether it's accidents or non-stop construction, it always delivers the goods when it comes to screwing you over and making sure that it takes 19 hours to drive through it. I hate it. More than anything else in this world, Ron. However, there are 2 good things about the state: 1) New Haven pizza, especially that which is found at Sally's, and 2) There are 2 casinos that allow me to gamble away my life as I please. Last Friday we went to Foxwoods for a group outing, and if you happened to be walking past the table games and saw 2 handsome gentlemen ON FIRE at the blackjack table, you most likely myself and my buddy Kevo. We couldn't have been hotter, it was totally awesome. I think if you saw us you actually would have seen flames shooting out of our asses (and not because of how gay we are). But as gambling luck would have it, we ended losing pretty much everything that we won. Oh well! It was fun while it lasted.

These days with movies like the Saw series, Hostel, and other torture porn horror flicks, directors seem to be one-upping each other in the gross department with every movie. Those movies have gradually gotten more and more disgusting, though none of it typically bothers me. Well that all changed with the latest stomach-churning cinematic masterpiece by Dutch "film"maker Tom Six, entitled The Human Centipede. It's pretty disgusting. I have only watched the trailer and one scene from the movie, and suffice it to say I wanted to vomit immediately upon seeing the particular scene from the movie that we watched. I don't want to blow it for you, but let's just say that this is the one case where poop isn't particularly funny. Behold the trailer:

You in the mood to do some reading on the topic. Check out The Human Centipede's Wikipedia page. It's fun!

I have a friend whose name is Lugo. He is Cuban, one of the many who was able to survive the harrowing trip on a floating door from Cuba to South Beach in a victorious attempt at escaping Communism. There are few better men that I know, and few more loyal people than you could ever be friends with. He as also taken quite a liking to the women in our country, and because of this, has become quite the midnight carouser if you know what I mean. He has also started a Twitter feed so that we all could know what's going through that crazy mind of his, and I suggest you follow it as well. WARNING: This Twitter feed is not for children, the faint of heart, feminists, or people who take themselves too seriously. Enjoy!

If you haven't already, you NEED to go see Inception. It was totally awesome. It literally had everything you could want in a summer blockbuster: Crazy effects, a well-written story, really good acting, explosions, Leonardo "Dreamboat" DiCaprio, Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You, more explosions, enough intrigue to keep you guessing... It automatically ranks as one of the best movies I have ever seen. Not the best, because we all know that the best is Jurassic Park, but it certainly is up there. Prior to me seeing it people had said that it was way too confusing, but I actually thought I was following it pretty good and understood the whole plot, that is until you leave the theater and start discussing it with your friends, and you realize that everyone has their own views on it. Totally, ridiculously awesome. You need it in your life.

It's been a while since I dedicated myself to one of this country's great pastimes: A VH1 Celeb-reality dating show. I was a loyal watcher of Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, and Daisy of Love, but recently I had fallen off the bandwagon, both because I've been too busy with other shows and because it had become more of the same, just with a different person looking for "love." Well, the time has come for my triumphant return to VH1 viewership, and that is because of the phenomenon that is Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. It is absolutely hilarious, one of the funniest shows I have ever watched on TV. Ocho himself is obviously quite the character, and listening to his interviews and narrations will absolutely get you rolling on the floor. Plus, and as you would expect, all of the women are huge bitches and crazy hoes, which always makes for an entertaining viewing experience. If you haven't checked it out I highly suggest you do, because you will rarely come across such a refined and humorous piece of television quite like this one.

Much like I do with beer, I consider myself one of the world's foremost authorities on bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches, particularly those that are placed on toasted poppy seed bagels. There are few things you could put in your mouth that are more delicious and flavorful than a good bacon, egg and cheese bagel sandwich. I've sampled them far and wide on this great planet, sampling some delicious ones while also running into the fairly poor efforts (which is amazing considering usually anything bacon is delicious). And because of my experience in enjoying this delicacy, I believe I can tell you in confidence that I know where you can find the greatest bacon, egg and cheese bagel sandwich in the world, and that would be at D. Zizza's Bakery and Deli in Florham Park, NJ. They freshly bake some of the finest bagels every morning, and make your sandwich to order, heaping on so much bacon that you almost don't know what to do with yourself. If you consider yourself an aficionado of the finer things in life, go to D. Zizza's to sample the world's greatest breakfast sandwich. You won't be disappointed.

Sometimes when the traffic is terrible in the JC (and it often is, especially around the Holland Tunnel), I take some back roads home that I learned by living for a couple years in the Heights. One of my special routes takes me up Newark Ave. by Journal Square, a section of town affectionately called "Little India," for reasons I believe you can ascertain on your own judging from the name. One of my favorite places to eat in the JC is there, called Rasoi, which has an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet on weekends that is phenomenal. It's a cool part of town, one that you're just as likely to see a butcher with a dead, bleeding goat hanging over his shoulder than you are a Honda Civic. But I was driving through the other day, and I noticed something that gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I think the area may be evil, may be plotting a takeover of the area, or maybe even the country, by any means necessary. Hmmmmm....

The Indians in the JC are NAZIS?!?!? HOLY CRAP!!! HOW DID WE NOT SEE THIS SOONER!!!! Gird your loins fellow JCers, they're coming...

Speaking of Indians, I've come to the conclusion that M. Night Shyamalan needs to be put down. Why does this guy keep getting paid to write, produce and direct movies when he hasn't made a single good one since 19 fucking 99?!?!?!? It baffles the mind how someone so awful at their job can keep getting paid for it. It's like him and Glen Sather have nude pictures of everyone in the world for blackmail, so they just keep getting paid to suck at life. Let's do a rundown of his films to see why exaclty he is still allowed to work:

The Sixth Sense - His only good movie. I think. I don't remember much of it since it was so long ago, but I think I remember it being good. Ok fine.

Unbreakable - Fell asleep during it. Probably because it sucked.

Signs - So shitty I've taken craps that looked scarier than those stupid aliens.

The Village - One of the worst movies I have ever seen. It makes Gigli look like Jurassic Park.

Lady in the Water - Never saw it because all his other movies had been terrible, but I heard this was shit too. I would imagine whatever Water this lady was coming out of probably looked like the Gulf of Mexico right now.

The Happening - So awful the actors in it declined to promote it. Even the trailer was terrible, which is a huge achievement in shittyness.

The Last Airbender - An established comic book character that people the world over love... that he managed to ruin. I never saw it, but it looked terrible and everyone says it's terrible, so it must be terrible.

M. Night - you suck. Stop directing films and work at a 7Eleven somewhere. Though you barely have enough talent to even handle that job.

I tell ya, it is a helluva time to be a supporter of the New York Red Bulls these days! Aside from their sweet new stadium and the fact that they're actually good this year, French legend Thierry Henry recently came on board. This will be great not only for the obvious marketing advantages but because he's still got it and will be able to score some goals for us, which has certainly been a struggle these days. It didn't take long for him to make his mark in his first game against England's Tottenham (which of course yours truly and the JCSC were representin') as he scored a really nice goal in the 23rd minute. Apparently we're also on the verge of signing Mexican national team captain Rafael Marquez, which I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, I would hate to have to root for him because I can't stand Mexico in soccer, but on the other hand, he'll team with Henry to make us exponentially better, so I guess we'll see. Speaking of people that I hate, our starting right midfielder Dane Richards, who I can't stand because he always sucks, played an incredible game against Manchester City over the weekend. Why can't he do that shit in the regular season, in games that count?! In real games, he constantly turns the ball over and shits the bed, but in these friendlies that don't mean shit, he plays out of his mind. Screw you Dane Richards!

2 things about the Giants, the first of which is hilarious: Last year, CC Brown was thrust into the starting safety roll when Kenny Phillips went down. I'm putting things lightly when I saw he was fucking atrocious, and was one of the main reasons why our defense got shit on consistently all season. I mean, the guy wouldn't have been able to cover me in the open field, and my own dad used to make fun of me by saying I ran like I have a piano on my back. He was PATHETIC. Obviously, the Giants let him go in the off-season, and he is currently struggling to make the Detroit Lions roster. No shocker there. You would think, however, that he would be humble and perhaps take some responsibility for how bad he was last year. WRONG. Obviously it was the media's fault! It was totally the media that got their shit owned by DeSean Jackson on a regular basis. It was definitely the media who missed tackle after tackle down in the box. And it was clearly the media that couldn't cover Tom Coughlin if he was running around in the secondary. Hey CC - shut the hell up. You suck.

The 2nd thing about the Giants I wanted to mention was that I absolutely LOVE the signing of Keith Bulluck to compete for the starting middle linebacker position. Yes, he blew out his knee last year, so his health is questionable. But if he's healthy, he is a big time leader, he is always around the ball making tackles and forcing fumbles, and he has 19 interceptions in his career, so clearly he can catch the ball when given the opportunity. And if he isn't healthy, then at the very least he teaches a few things to Jonathan Goff and Phillip Dillard. The contract is only for 1 year, so it isn't a big commitment just in case he isn't healthy. There is literally no downside to this deal. I can't get enough of it. Well done Jerry Reese, well done.

And finally, my thoughts on some little soccer tournament you may or may not have paid attention to, the World Cup. I won't bore you with my game analysis because clearly the World Cup ended a few weeks ago, so you've heard everything there is that needs to be said, both about the US' run and about the tournament as a whole. But here are a couple of my own observations on the world's greatest sporting competition, one that I wished was every year instead of every 4:

- The USA's run through the tournament was absolutely thrilling, spine-tingling stuff. I have never jumped around like a little school girl and hugged other sweaty men like I did after Landon Donovan scored against Algeria in extra time to send us to the knockout stages. It was positively unreal, and is one of those moments that I know I will remember forever. Thank you Landon, and go USA!

- The unfortunate reason that the US' games were so crazy was because they refused to play well at the beginning of any of the games they were in. England scored in the 4th minute. Slovenia started 2-0 up on us before we came back. Algeria should have been up 1-0 inside 10 minutes if whatever dude hadn't hit the crossbar. And in the knockout round, Ghana scored quickly to go up 1-0 as well. Sooner or later the magic runs out. You just can't keep digging yourself into such massive holes, because eventually they're going to be impossible to get out of.

- The referee we had during the Slovenia game, Koman Coulibaly, is lucky he didn't fuck over a country like Argentina or Spain with the atrocious calls he made against us, not least of which was Maurica Edu's disallowed winner, because he would be dead right now. As it is, most of America wants to kill him, but the hooligans of Argentina would definitely have his head on a plate right now. I have never seen a worse performance by a referee or umpire, in any sport.

- I like Bob Bradley a lot, but I think it might be time for the US to get a new coach, because I think he's taken this country as far as he can take it. I loved how he wasn't afraid to admit mistakes by making substitutions early in the game when things clearly weren't working, but the problem with that was that he was making those mistakes in the first place. Robbie Findley had no business being on the team, let alone in the starting lineup. Sure, he's fast. But when you can't score goals and you're a striker, you shouldn't be on the field. Yet Bob insisted on starting him. Ricardo Clark was terrible. But there he was, starting in the Ghana match, and what happened? He turned the ball over in the 6th minute or so which directly led to the opening goal, and then he took a stupid yellow card. Our best lineup was when Maurica Edu was the holding midfielder, Benny Feilhaber was the right wing, and Clint Dempsey was up top with Jozy, but did we ever start with that lineup? Noooooooo. Like I said, I like Bradley a lot, and I think he did a lot of great things for our team, but some of his lineup decisions were baffling. I think it's time for new blood.

- It's a huge problem when you're strikers can't score goals. Every one of the forwards we had, Jozy Altidore, Herculez Gomez, Edson Buddle, and Robbie Findley, were completely shut out during the World Cup. Not a single goal between them, which is completely unacceptable, and makes it impossible for us to advance as a soccer nation. Jozy has a chance to be really good, but he had a ton of chances in this tournament, some of which were laid out on a silver platter for him, and he still couldn't finish. Hopefully a young striker emerges somewhere within the next 4 years so we have a legit scoring threat other that Clint Dempsey and Landon Donovan from the midfield.

- When Jonathan Bornstein is your best defender, you know you're in trouble.

- All these complaints aside, please refer to hyphen number 1 once again. What a thrill ride. USA! USA! USA! USA!

And there you have it folks, the return of your truly as a blogger. I actually intended on having this completed for this past Monday to be a true Brain Fart, but as you can see, it was quite long, so I couldn't finish it until Wednesday night. But anyway, I'm going to try and get back to posting regularly so you can remember why you hated my writing in the first place! That being said, the Brain Fart will be taking a week off this coming Monday because I'm away on business starting tomorrow until next Wednesday. Sorry! Hit me with your comments on EVERYTHING I just wrote about.

I'm Alive!

2010-07-19T23:16:00.003-04:00

Seriously! I know you don't believe me and think that this is my mother writing to cover my ass, but it's me. I swear. And I've started an entry that will be really long, encompassing 6 weeks (or however long it's been since I've last done a Brain Fart) of notes that I've taken. I just haven't finished it yet, but get ready for the mother of all Brain Farts, that is, if you even visit this site anymore. I get the feeling I may actually be writing this little note to no one whatsoever due to my lack of writing. Poopy!

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 11

2010-05-26T12:00:00.030-04:00

The Super Bowl is coming to New Jersey!

That's right folks, Super Bowl XLVIII (or 48 for those of you unfamiliar with roman numerals) will be played in the great state of New Jersey, the greatest of all the states in this great country. Traditionally, the Super Bowl is played in either warm weather cities or in domed stadiums so that inclement weather is not an issue for the game. But this year, the NFL decided to do something bold, something groundbreaking, something historic. And when it came to making history, where did they come to? New Jersey. There really was only 1 choice when it came to picking the best place to host the first Super Bowl in a cold weather climate, and that place is the most incredible place anyone can think of - New Jersey. You will hear many people say that this Super Bowl is being hosted by New York City. That is fallacy. It is being hosted by New Jersey, the most extraordinary place in the USA.

A couple of quick notes on the stadium that will host Super Bowl XLVIII:

- It's called the New Giants Stadium.

Ok! Enough of the notes. Now, a lot of people (specifically those from warm weather climates or those whose bids were turned down in favor of New Jersey) are bitching and moaning about how the Super Bowl is going to be played in the cold weather. It's gonna be too cold! It's gonna be too snowy! Waaaahhhhhhhh!!!! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! STOP CRYING. It's not going to be played in cold weather. It's going to be played in manly weather. So take out your tampon, remove the skirt, and get ready for the championship of football to be played in the weather that the game was meant to be played in, pussies.

So now that a cold weather site has gotten the Super Bowl, all the other cold weather cities with no domes on their stadiums are coming out of the woodwork and saying they should get the Super Bowl too. Let me name you those places and tell you why they should never get the game that is only reserved for the most elite plot of land in this world, New Jersey:

Green Bay - Shit no! Where are people going to stay? The neighborhood homes that surround the stadium. Idiots.

Cincinnati - Why the hell would you want to go to Cincinnati?

Washington - That shitty sports city? I don't think so. The Capitals are you're only good team, and they choke every year. You have to win every once in a while to get the Super Bowl.

New England - The Nation deserves nothing. Sorry.

Denver - They'd talk about the elevation about as much as they talk about Bert Farvee right now. I don't think so.

Cleveland - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry, that was funny.

Pittsburgh - All the offensive lineman would gorge themselves on Primanti Bros. and die from cardiac arrest within 16 minutes of arriving. No go.

Baltimore - You've seen The Wire right?

Seattle - The 12th Man doesn't have nearly the influence to pull this off.

Buffalo - The Super Bowl should NEVER be in Canada, so sorry Buffalo.

Philadelphia - Why would you host the country's most important sporting event in the country's shittiest city?

So you see why the NFL would come to New Jersey to host it's most important event? Everywhere else sucks, and New Jersey is the most amazing place you could possibly be in life. It's not just the best cold weather place for the Super Bowl, it's the best place, period. It's going to be funny when Roger Goodell decides to host the Super Bowl in New Jersey every year once he sees how incredible it's going to be in 2014. Good, nay, great decision NFL owners. You won't be sorry. No one is ever sorry when they come to the most unbelievably awesome place in the world, New Jersey.

The End.

2010-05-25T14:06:00.032-04:00

It is with much sadness and trepidation that I bring you my final 24 review... ever (unless there's a movie... come oonnnn Hollywood!). Last night was truly the end of an era. When 24 began 8 seasons ago it was groundbreaking television, a new format (real-time) that kept viewers on the edge of their seats while providing a different action experience than anything had before it, or has since. And while it got formulaic and insanely ridiculous at times (because Jack is so awesome, of course), it never stopped being entertaining, especially for me and my college friends, who made Monday nights with 24 a religious experience. So as a tear slowly makes its way down my cheek, I move on to my handy character key that you all know and love.

1) Arlo Glass - Turned into quite the dependable computer geek, helping Chloe in her quest to find and talk-down Jack, as well as being a one-man techie beast at the end when he was literally the only one left in CTU that could do anything because Chloe had to run the show. Aside from him thinking BITCH was actually good looking, he was a cool dude.

2) BITCH - STILL DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

3) Charles Logan - Absolutely loved the look on his face as he sat in Jack's cross hairs while waiting for Russian President Suvarov to come to the room so Jack could kill him, which Jack was eventually talked out of by Chloe because he would have started a war between the US and Russia. Logan was all cute and happy when he though Jack was dead at the end, but then so sad when he wasn't that he killed Pillar through a pillow and then committed suicide... only he couldn't even do that right so now he's still alive with significant brain damage. Logan is now a vegetable!

4) Chloe O'Brian - The only main Jack friend who made it through to the end of the series, for which I give her mad props. Was choked out by Jack when he didn't want her interfering with him assassinating the Russian President, but she got her revenge when she shot him as part of their plan to get the evidence of the conspiracy out to the press. Chloe always had Jack's back, and was 100% loyal until the end. I'll miss her sarcastic jokes and frumpy face in my life.

5) Cole Ortiz - A man torn between getting the truth out and being afraid that Jack was going to ruin his shit at any moment. I enjoyed Cole overall, what with his "authentic" New York accent and his superior sniping skills. He was a good help to Jack at times, and that is always appreciated.

6) Renee Walker - A moment of silence please in memory of my second favorite redhead.

Thank you.

7) Jack Bauer - What is there to say about Jack? He has given me 8 seasons worth of television bliss by breaking out one badass move after another. No man will ever be as great as Jack Bauer, hands down. While he should have killed the Russian President and started a war (because what is cooler than that), he redeemed himself ridiculously fast by ripping Pillar's ear off WITH HIS OWN MOUTH in an effort to buy Chloe time to upload the evidence file. He ended up being kidnapped at the end so he could be executed, but President Taylor intervened in time, and just like that... he was gone. I thought his final words to Chloe were appropriate, and I hope Jack finds joy in whatever life he's moving onto that hopefully avoids both the US and Russian governments, both of which want to capture him. Typical.

8) Jason Pillar - Logan's right-hand puppy dog was in a boatload of trouble when Jack kidnapped him in his own car (which involved a SICK camera reveal of Jack in the back seat), made him take him to the UN where he stitched Jack's wounds at gunpoint, was then knocked unconscious, then woke up, went upstairs and had his left ear eaten off by Jack. Thought he was in the clear at the end, but then they found out Jack was still alive, so Logan cracked him in the head with a glass jar, then shot him in the face through a pillow. Not a good day at the office!

9) Allison Taylor - Was guilty as all hell when Dalia Hassan gave her the pen from Omar for her to sign the treaty with the IRK and the Russians, and got cold quickly when Hassan threatened to pull out of the treaty when she said she would bomb the IRK to hell. Showed us that drinking the Logan Kool-Aid is never a good idea. However, she did the right thing at the end when she refused to sign the treaty, resigned as President, turned herself into the Attorney General for her crimes, and gave Jack a window of time to escape the country before he was captured. A good final move on her part, though as Daddy said during the episode, "she just cost Hillary Clinton the next 4 Presidential elections!"

10) Ethan Kanin - Didn't play any part in the finale, though I imagine he was smiling as he sat at home comfortably watching President Taylor fall apart because she had been listening to Logan and not him. President Kanin has a nice ring to it for the movie, no?

Other random thoughts from the last-ever episode of 24:

- The random CTU agent from the UN mobile command unit was a huge douche and needed to get capped by Cole. I hated when he thought he was awesome for helping Pillar out. I hope Jack makes a pit stop on his way out of the country and shoves a Revolutionary War bayonet up his ass. Don't think Jack doesn't have any Revolutionary War bayonets laying around.

- I loved that the Secretary General of the UN was Dr. Benton from ER. Random cameos are fun!

- I really wish Michael Madsen's character was Tony Almeida instead. I don't care how many times Tony has died, they should just keep bringing him back! Tony was the man, love that guy. Would have been poetic justice for it to have been him helping Jack in the closing episodes.

- Scott, your negative comments about 24 are not welcome in this post. Thank you.

- RIP Bill Buchanan. Forever.

- And finally, 1 final shot of Jack... for Jack.

The perfect sign-off for a legendary man. I'll miss you Jack.

MMBF - 5/24: LOST

2010-05-24T13:29:00.006-04:00

Because I was taking classes this weekend, I literally have nothing to write about except for LOST, which as you know came to an end last night. I'm not going to pretend to be smart or anything and stand here and preach to you about the mythology of LOST or anything like that, but I will say that overall I enjoyed the finale and thought it a fitting end to the series, very much unlike The Sopranos. To that affect, I wanted to pass along to you what I thought was a really great review of the show that laid out nicely what was answered, what wasn't answered, and everything else in between, written by Alan Sepinwall, a TV critic I like reading.

Alan Sepinwall's LOST Finale Review

What sucks is that not only did LOST end last night, but 24 is ending tonight, which means my two favorite shows on TV are both leaving me in the span of 2 days. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO WATCH FROM NOW ON?!!??! Poop on my face.

Ugh. Another week of work.

BLINGIN'

2010-05-20T23:57:00.004-04:00

So I went to the Yankees - Rays game Thursday night, and - oh hey. What's that on my hand?

Why, that appears to be the Yanks 2009 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONSHIP RING. Would ya look at that!

Special thanks to my brojam Brandon for letting me don the world's greatest chick magnet, if only for a few blessed moments.

MMBF - 5/19: Welcome to the JCSC

2010-05-18T18:31:00.038-04:00

Hola everyone, and welcome to the exceedingly late and lackluster Monday Morning Brain Fart, appropriately renamed in the logo to your right. I've been really busy, not only with work, but with playing with my new Macbook Pro (bitches!), so clearly the time to write in this blog hasn't been plentiful. I have reached a free moment, however, so please enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Friday night I began the evening with dinner and various boozings at the 6th Ward, a delightful bar on New York City's lower east side that I highly suggest you check out. Good service, good food, cheap bear, and a nice little outdoor beer garden-type area. Afterwards, we made our way across the street to the Mercury Lounge to my AT&T brother's band, The King Left. It was the release party for their new album Perfect Without People, and they put on a pretty good live show, so I suggest you check them out sometime when you get the chance. Oh wait. They broke up after the show. Nevermind. Buy the album anyway (here), but if you wanted to see them live, you are shit out of luck my friend.

Saturday was the second leg of horse racing's Triple Crown, the Preakness Stakes. Unlike the Kentucky Derby, I did not attend this race, though Louey Colicchio did, and he was happy to report that it was just as sloppy as the Derby, sans rain. As for the actual race, I forget who won, nor did I really care since it wasn't the horse that won the Derby nor did I have any money riding on it. The Biz had money on it, however, and after losing all of it, she uttered this exact phrase while the post-race interviews were happening: "My favorite interview in all of sports is the jockey interview from horse to horse." That has nothing to do with her losing money of course, but it's good to see that being poor doesn't distract The Biz from enjoying her favorite interview in all of sports.

I went to Tasti D-Lite on Grove St. in the JC this weekend for the first time, and let me tell you: it was neither tasty nor delightful. First of all, the owner (or the guy who I imagine is the owner) was annoying as shit. He was dressed in a pink shirt with the hipster Castro hat, which immediately looked annoying, and he then proceeded to ask us at least 25 times if we had any questions about how and what to order. After finally making him go away by ignoring him, he came back and continued: "You sure you don't have any questions? Seriously. Anything. Ask me anything. Need samples? Really? Don't wanna try anything? You have no questions? I'll answer anything. Anything you need to know about this place. Huh. No questions huh? Ok.... seriously, you have no questions? I'm going to go run out in traffic!" I only made that last sentence up. SHUT THE FUCK UP BUDDY. So then I was hoping that the ice cream on tap would redeem the place, but I was sadly mistaken. The Dutch Chocolate tasted more like the paper that comes out of a Dutchman's inkjet printer. I highly suggest you never go there, 1) because the ice cream sucks, and 2) because you'll be driven to the brink of suicide by the owner.

Another thing I tried this weekend was the new Bacon Ranch Tortada at Taco Bell (it's not a sandwich). Typically I enjoy anything with bacon in it, and typically I enjoy anything with the words "Taco" and "Bell" in it, so I had high hopes for this particular piece of culinary artistry. I wasn't disappointed. The bacon was an added bonus to the already overwhelmingly delicious Taco Bell flavor. I'd insert the genius prose of Gallen de Robuchon here, but he was too busy stuffing his face with Taco Bell deliciousness to utter a coherent phrase. Was the Bacon Ranch Tortada a staple like the Cheesy Gordita Crunch? No. Nothing is a CGC. Will I order it again? Absolutely. Am I going to start asking questions of myself from now on so that I sound like all analysts on TV? NO. I don't suck.

One quick thing: I've started using my Old Spice Odor Blocker Bodywash, and hot damn do I smell good. Ladies, form a line please.

I was at the Yankees - Red Sawcks game on Monday, and it was absolutely the craziest game I have ever been to in my life. First the Yanks took a 5-0 lead in the first off of Daisuke Shitsuzaka (who like Josh Beckett, is awful... admit it Sawcks fans!), which they eventually blew when they brought in Chan Ho Park (who also sucks) in the 8th. So they were down 9-7 in the bottom of the 9th, and as you know, A-Rod tied it up with a 2 run homer that immediately followed Daddy saying to me, "There's no way A-Douche comes through in the clutch 2 times in 4 days." Then a couple batters later, Marcus Thames won it with a 2 run homer of his own - Absolute pandemonium at the stadium. We were all jumping around like little school girls, hugging complete strangers, most of which were fat and sweaty, and screaming our heads off. It was unreal. You can't tell me that the juice has been taken out of the Yanks-Sawcks rivalry because the Sawcks are having a down year, Michael Kay, and you saw why this was the case on Monday. Awesome.

Seeing as it's already Wednesday, there is little to no chance that I'm going to take the time this week to write a full 24 review from this past Monday with all the other things I have going on, so I'll just put a little blurb here. Jack Bauer is INSANE. First he ripped the guts out of the Russian dude who killed Renee (moment of silence please. Thank you.), then he put on a FULL BODY ARMOR SUIT and captured President Logan by himself, then he went to the UN by himself and killed every single Russian there, including the main guy Novacovich, who he drove a gold fire poker completely through. First of all, Jack against the world is already unfair for the world when he doesn't have a full body armor suit on. Second, Logan screams like a little girl when he's in trouble. "IT'S JACK BAUER! AND HE'S COMING AFTER MEEEEEEE!!!!" Third, Logan gave Jack everything he wanted to know faster than I would have if Jack was torturing me (pussy). And fourth, Jack was of course smart enough to bug Logan so that he could hear his conversations later, which revealed to him that Russian President Suvarov was behind the entire thing! I was literally peeing in my pants for hours last night during and after this episode, and I could not be more excited for the finale. I need it now.

And finally, I'd like to tell you about a little group I'm starting, called the Jersey City Supporters Club, better known as the JCSC. We are the unofficial official supporters club from, you guessed it, Jersey City, for our beloved New York Red Bulls. I, The Chairman of the JCSC, have fallen hard for our local footballers, and will try to go to every home game that I possibly can, and I want you to join me! The official pregame watering hole of the JCSC is Lucky 7's, located on Coles and 2nd in the JC. We'll typically go there about 3 hours before gametime, then leave for Harrison on the PATH about 1 hour before gametime. Red Bull Arena is awesome, and the Red Bulls are pretty good this year, so there's really no better time to jump on the bandwagon. Plus Thierry Henry is coming! Their next home game is tomorrow at 8:00 PM against Columbus Crew, which coughcoughi won't be attendingcoughcough, but you should go anyway! And for home games after that, I'll see you at Lucky 7's!

Ugh. Another week of work. Though at least this one only has 2 days left in it.

If Jack Bauer played King Leonidas in "300", they would have named the movie "1"- and Leonidas would have won the war.

2010-05-11T22:29:00.024-04:00

Monday night's episode of 24 was so good I almost had a seizure. Let's get right to the review, with the help of our handy character guide:

1) Arlo Glass - Was starting to figure things out because Jason Pillar was being douchy to him, and after Chloe convinced him to help her, he has put all of his eggs in the basket of justice. Works well with a Sprint Mobile HotSpot.

2) BITCH - DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

3) Charles Logan - Cute when he was picking out which fancy tie to wear. And very obviously consumed with having his "good" name restored by the President because he's fixing all of her problems. Of course, by fixing all of her problems I actually mean ruining her life. His neck fat has that extra special wiggle to it when Jason calls with bad news.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Once again, Chloe has figured out a way around whatever government firewalls that are set up to stop her from getting the job done. A true goddess when it comes to networking and saving countries.

5) Cole Ortiz - Poor Cole is so conflicted. He wants to help Jack. He doesn't want to help Jack. He knows Jack is after justice. He knows Jack doesn't want justice, just revenge. He hates BITCH. He still deep down loves BITCH. BITCH is dead... Cole has had better days certainly. His sass towards Jason Pillar was fun times though!

6) Renee Walker - Such a huge tease when we saw Renee at the beginning of the "Previously on 24" section wearing nothing but a sheet and Jack's love sweat. I miss her. A moment of silence please.

Thank you.

7) Jack Bauer - For the second time in recent weeks, he was 1 step ahead of a plot to capture him, this time taking out an entire crew of Russian mercenaries in the middle of a crowded mall. He is literally unstoppable. Then after he and Mr. Blonde captured the stoned Russian Pavel, he absolutely tortured the SHIT out of him. He is absolutely crazed. When the Russian said, "Go to hell" and Jack responded with, "You first," I actually squirted out a little pee. Then when he cut the guy's guts out and fished the SIM card out of his stomach - holy crap! Jack is my hero.

8) Jason Pillar - All smug and shit until he realized that it's Jack Bauer he's chasing, not some run-of-the-mill ex-marine. He seems to think he's God's gift to this earth, or at least God's gift to Charles Logan, but when Jack kills him too it will be totally awesome.

9) Allison Taylor - Looks like she's going to cry at any moment, especially when Logan continues to give her bad news. That bitch slap from Dalia Hassan that we all know is coming is going to be sweeeeeet.

10) Ethan Kanin - Resting comfortably at home while President Taylor falls apart at the seams without his guidance. I hope he has sufficiently recovered from his heart attack so that he's ready to go when he's elected President for the movie while Taylor and Logan rot in prison together for covering up the Russian's scam.

Other random thoughts on Monday night's episode:

- Meredith Reed has entirely too much plastic surgery in her cheeks. It looks like it's impossible for her to smile, not that she could ever see anything funny because her gigantic cheeks are pushing her eyes closed.

- Mr. Blonde cracks me up. He's got all this weaponry and high-tech gear, can spy on everyone in the world at the push of a button... and he fails to realize the ol' drop-your-cell-phone-on-the-ground-and-swallow-the-SIM-card trick. Come on Michael!

- Jason Pillar's assistant Eden is probably the only hot computer nerd in this world. She's a techie geek's wet dream. Wouldn't be surprised if she ate a little Pillar dong when they fogged up the windows in the CTU Director's office.

- It's already unfair for the world when it's Jack Vs. The World... but now they're going to give him a full body armor suit next week?!? jsdgjlsgnkljsdlnk;jgpiogwopubpiuvwiom[09[M jsd; jvsddsijfj!!!!!!

- RIP Bill Buchanan.

MMBF - 5/10: Introducing Gallen de Rogers and Hammerstein

2010-05-10T11:05:00.043-04:00

Good morning everyone, and welcome to this unusually cold May Monday morning here in the greatest state in all the land, New Jersey. I feel like I'm in Ithaca again with it being in the 40s despite us being in the heart of spring. Global warming my ass. Anywhoo, on to the pointless bullshit that I know you all look forward to!

Friday night, after an activity that I will get to later, we went to this delightful little bar in Greenwich Village called Amity Hall. It looks swanky when you first enter, but please my fellow scumbags, do not be deterred by outward appearances. It has a great beer selection, headlined (for me at least) by the always delicious and intoxicating Delirium Tremens, a couple of HD TVs to watch sports on, and at 11:30 on a Friday night, it wasn't slammed like every other bar in the city. We could actually sit around a table and have a conversation. I know right, quite the novelty. Highly recommended by me, the man with the most discerning of bar tastes.

Friday night I was also able to sample one of the newer offerings from Magic Hat Brewery, the Wacko Summer Seasonal. The website describes it as such: ..."a delicious summer beer with a big malty aroma, a subdued hop bite and a clean, slightly sweet finish." I was excited to try a new beverage, and my excitement only heightened when it poured a wonderful red color, almost like Ithaca Cascazilla. Then I took a sip... and my excitement quickly expired. Allow me to amend the description from Magic Hat's website: "a repulsive summer beer with a big toe jam aroma, a subdued cyanide bite and an abhorrent, slightly rancid finish." Yes, it was that bad. Avoid at all costs.

Hungover on Saturday, I decided to take a walk to the mall so that I could help cure my hangover by shoving copious amounts of Taco Bell down my throat. I was so excited; I had visions of Cheesy Gordita Crunches, Beefy 5-Layer Burritos, and Nacho Cheese Chicken Chalupas dancing in my head. So I arrived at the food court and did the usual sample round, tasting the various delicacies on offer from the different food purveyors, when I came across the samples at WOW Cafe and Wingery. To my complete and utter astonishment they had the most delicious honey mustard chicken I had ever tasted, which caused me to abandon my Taco Bell fantasies and order a honey mustard chicken wrap from there. It was quite the turn of events. The Chef of the Century was there, and I'll let him describe the wrap: "The chicken was moist and succulent, and the honey mustard had just the right amounts of sweetness and flavor, with subtle notes of gold. The lettuce and tomatoes were crisp and fresh, while the accompanying cheddar cheese provided just the right amount of texture and zest to finish off the dish. Truly extraordinary!" You heard it here first from Gallen de Robuchon. Now treat yourself to this delicacy.

Also while in the mall on Saturday, I was browsing around GameStop when I came across a game that I think is fun for children of all ages and is a must-buy for parents this upcoming Christmas:

Too soon?

Continuing my mall adventure, I went into CVS to get a funny Hallmark card for my mom, when I stumbled across something that I absolutely had to buy, and only because of the outstanding commercials: Old Spice Odor Blocker Body Wash. It is the first time in my life that I have bought something solely because the commercials are amazing, and this product deserves that distinction. Let's just take a moment and watch one of the commercials again, shall we?:

Like I said before, it's the New Jersey of commercials.

Apparently this weekend the Yankees and Red Sawcks had absolutely no interest in playing competitive baseball, as the Yanks destroyed the Sawcks in games 1 and 2, while the Sawcks won big last night in game 3. Conclusion - Yankees win series, therefore are a better baseball team. Some other observations from a weekend of the best rivalry in baseball: 1) Phil Hughes is on fire. Just absolutely dominant. 2) Francisco Cervelli has the chops to be a good catcher for the Yanks for a long time. I love the way he plays the game. After Jorge retires, he can be the main catcher while top prospect Jesus Montero occasionally spells him, then DHs the rest of the time. Love it. 3) The Yanks have something in Romulo Sanchez. Though I'm sure he'll go back to the minors today so there is a fresh arm to back up Sergio Mitre tonight, he'll be back soon. He's got great stuff. 4) Josh Beckett sucks. Admit it Sawcks fans.

I just want to throw this out there. If you like it, you can throw it right back, if not, by all means keep it: Ke$ha is AWESOME. Not that she's overly talented or anything like my girl Gaga, but just that her songs are ridiculous catchy, but most importantly, she's making an entire career about singing songs based on getting shitfaced and blowing dongs. Now that is something we can all get behind right!? I swear, whenever I hear a song of hers on the radio, the lyrics are always about getting hammered and doing this drug and that drug, then finding some dudes and gettin' it on. It's refreshing to see someone cut the bullshit and just sing about what she loves: drinkin' and (beep)in.' Live the dream Ke$ha.

And finally, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of the New Jersey is Clean, Idiots family, Mr. Gallen de Rogers and Hammerstein. Aside from being the driving force behind such legendary musical theater as Oklahoma!, South Pacific and The Sound of Music, Gallen de Rogers and Hammerstein is a noted theater critic who likes to take in a play or two whenever he sees fit to do so. Most modern theater repulses him, but there was a particular play that caught his eye recently: Peter Pan or The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up. The following is his review:

I, Gallen de Rogers and Hammerstein, both the world's most renowned musical writer as well as its foremost theater critic, decided that I would go back to my roots this past Friday and take in a showing of Peter Pan or The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up at some small theater in Greenwich Village that I could barely squeeze my fat yet important ass into. It starred some young rascal whose name escapes me as Peter Pan, and his performance was all well and good, but there was one particular actress who caught my eye, Ms. Erica Cenci, who played both the house servant at the beginning and Toodles the Lost Boy for the duration. She was absolutely astounding. Her lines were delivered with authority when required, and her actions brought a new dimension to the script, one that it was apparent the other actors were feeding off of. In all my years, I've only seen a few thespians who have it: Chaplin, Bogart, Olivier, Samuel L. Jackson... and believe me when I say this - Ms. Cenci has it. Watch out for her in the future.

Thanks Gallen de Rogers and Hammerstein, and welcome to the family! And with that, the Brain Fart is over.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Remember that time our lives were changed by a Minivan?

2010-05-06T20:53:00.053-04:00

Clearly this week there was no Monday Morning Brain Fart, nor was there an extensive 24 review, something that I'm sure all of you are fretting about. Well you can stop worrying, because I am OK! I almost wasn't, however, because I spent this past weekend at the mother of all American drunk fests, the Kentucky Derby. I know you're now asking yourself the following: Wait, the Derby is a huge party? I thought it was all classy and shit with the rich people, the fancy dresses and the mint juleps? Well, you'd be right, unless you had tickets to the infield, which is so far beyond epic you have to see it to believe it. You know what that means! PHOTO DIARY! So get in the mood with a little Crazy Train and follow me along my journey.

ROAD TRIP TIME! And what was our vehicle of choice you may be asking?

Boo yah! KIA SEDONA BITCHES. Now I know ya'll are hatin' on the Sedones because it's a Kia, but that's where you're wrong. Not only is it a fine automobile, but it creates memories. Do yourself a favor and buy one. Here is where my road trip photo diary gets off to an inauspicious start, as we began our trip at a gas station in Newark that had a glass box convenience store where you had to pass your money in a shelf, after which they would slide you back your candy and drinks in the same shelf. Dangerous neighborhood perhaps? No picture. We also passed a house completely engulfed in flames in West Virginia. No picture either. Good job Steve.

Finally a picture! I had never been to a Sheetz before, and my oh my, what a magical place. Fresh greasy awesomeness at 3:00 in the morning? YES PLEASE.

Or perhaps some Faygo Creme Soda is more your taste. You know, if you like that sorta thing. Not that that's a bad thing or anything. Totally cool.

It was Free Frappe Friday in Kentucky! Too bad the promotion didn't start until 7:00 AM, and we got there at 6:30... that Joseph can be quite the persuasive boy, however. That Frappe is a large by the way, it just looks really small in the giant's hands.

The Sedones standing strong after a 10 and a half hour, overnight road trip. She was just getting started. We, on the other hand, passed right out.

Aw, what a happy bunch of guys. We're so happy to be at the Derbs. And in each other's loving company.

RCal takes us on a tour of the University of Louisville, where the dumbasses closed the book store and didn't allow us to bust a nut all over their merchandise. And by that I mean buy some, not actually bust on their stuff.

Seaton Hall? Where the hell is that?

Sedones, looking good in the sunshine. What a phenomenal piece of machinery.

A little pregaming on the rooftops of Louisville. Someone should tell that building to keep its bathrooms open to that their bushes do not get violated.

On to Fourth Street Live! A place where you can carry your drink of choice out onto the street or into any random bar. Fun times.

Oh hey! 3 Doors Down is playing on the street! The rednecks love them some 3 Doors Down, lemme tell you. We, however, preferred the bars where we discovered that no matter how drunk a girl is, she can always dance on a bar while maintaining perfect balance. A useful life skill, to be sure.

On to Jimmy Johns! Or Yimmy Yohns, as we prefer to call it. A highly desirable sandwich oasis. I highly recommend it should you stumble across one. The bacon is delightful.

Rims bitch.

Time to pregame for the Derbs! A little Jim Beam and...

... some of Natural's Lightest. Only the choicest beverages for my friends and I.

Nice duck boots.

Oh good, the Department of Erections is attending the Derby, I was worried. Louey Colicchio went through great pains to get this photograph as he jumped out of the Sedones as she sat in traffic, ran down this bus, and avoided the threats of that guy hanging out the bus window, who aside from wanting to charge Louey 4 bucks for the photo probably wanted to charge him 4 bucks for a little something else. Or at least that's what I imagine was going through his head.

And so the pregame begins! In a Louisville staff lot. With no other cars but ourselves. Party!

We got hungry, so Ian decided to call for delivery from Papa John's... which just so happens to be the building you see in front of him. The girl he called was named Andy.

Ian: Can I place an order for delivery please?
Andy: What's your address sir?
Ian: Ummm... what's YOUR address?

She would go on to explain to him that delivery had to made from a car. Ian went on to explain to her that he was going to fight her if she said it would take 45 minutes.

We ended up picking it up ourselves. Pushovers.

Apparently Hobb's ass tastes phenomenal. Ian you're gross. Stop crushing our coolers.

The no hands piss! A time-honored tradition at the Kentucky Derby.

And so we walked to Churchill Downs. They shepherded us peasants who had infield tickets to a separate entrance from the rich people, and along the way we passed a whole bunch of Jesus freaks who told us that A) we're going to hell for drinking, B) we're going to hell for gambling, and C) Santa Claus isn't real. WHAT?!?!??! SHIT!

Out of the tunnel we emerged, like a giraffe extracting himself from the butthole of his mommy. What kind of wonders lay before us?

Chaos. Absolute chaos.

We're at the Derby. Gotta get a Mint Julep. Too bad they SUCK. Mint and whiskey absolutely do not mix. And I LOVE whiskey.

Placing our bets. Ian here is demonstrating how to spend a lot of money on ridiculous bets that have no chance of winning. A fine strategy indeed. Though I shouldn't talk. My horses didn't do shit.

The famous twin spires of Churchill Downs, as seen from the infield. It's a good thing we could see those and not the actual horses from where we were. We went to the Kentucky Derby and saw everything but the Kentucky Derby.

As you may or may not know, it was pouring the entire day of the Derby. This caused the infield to be incredibly muddy, which lead to all of us looking like Louey Colicchio here. What a dashing and handsome young man. Charming too.

Why whatever is a drunk person to do in a muddy field? Mud wrestle of course! Most of it was playful, but shit got SERIOUS when some chick grabbed another by the hair, threw her on the ground, and kicked her in head. EAT IT. Biddies, right? Not pictured in this diary: the Kentucky Derby tradition of running across the tops of the port-a-potties while people throw whole cans and bottles of beer at your face, trying to knock you down. It's the New Jersey of drunk activities.

Here's our muddy and pugilistic friend Jane. You can't see it, but she's bleeding profusely from her leg right now. Her mother would be so proud!

After the Derbs we headed home and washed the 36 pounds of mud we had on us off of us, then headed out for another night at Fourth Street Lie!

Followed of course by another trip to Yimmy Yohns. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Sunday morning we got back in the Sedones and bounced out of town at about 10:30 AM. As you can see, Scotty is sad that such an epic weekend has come to an end.

We smelled pretty bad, but I can assure you that after this rest stop, our scent could best be described as sexy.

What is men plural?

Hungry and tired of driving in a hurricane, we decided to go to Taco Bell. Then bring the Taco Bell foodstuffs to Wendy's, where we got more foodstuffs. It was both nutritious and delicious.

Scotty's new creation: A Cheesy Gordita Crunch with Wendy's Chicken Nuggets inside of it. This lead to us deciding that a restaurant where all food comes with chicken nuggets inside of it is a great business venture. Any interested investors out there?

The Sedones - standing strong in the elements.

West Virginia has neat names for its mountains. This is clearly not my picture, however. If it was mine the sky would be completely gray and a monsoon would be happening that made us all fear for our lives.

The. Entire. Way. Home.

And as we hit the home stretch, we decided that a Frappe, though not free, was the correct way to wrap up what was an incredible weekend.

Actually, I just re-read this. This blog sucks. I did it no justice. You gots to see the Derbs for yourself. Now be educated!

Today is a National Holiday!!!

2010-05-04T17:31:00.004-04:00

Why do you ask? Well, let me show you!

THE BITCH IS DEAD!

CEEELLLLLEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON! DOO DOO DO DO DO DOOO DOO DOOOOO WOO HOO!!!

As you can see, I didn't want to sully the above photograph like I do all the others. This one needs no caption, no explanation. The majesty of the picture speaks for itself.

I love Jack Bauer.

The California Gold Rush started when Jack Bauer took a piss in a field somewhere near San Francisco.

2010-04-27T15:22:00.022-04:00

Yo yo! After another exciting episode of 24 last night, I am back to grace you with my thoughts on it after a week off. As always, we will now go to our trusty character key, though you may notice a few changes this time around...

1) Arlo Glass - Apparently pulling triple duty now that he has to do his old job, BITCH's job, because she sucks, and Chloe's job, because she's running shiz at CTU. He's quite the multi-tasker.

2) BITCH - Was working for the Russians this whole time, not the actual terrorists, so now Jack wants to grill her shit to find out which Russians were behind this whole fiasco the entire time. Clearly President Taylor doesn't want that, so now BITCH finds herself in a whole world of trouble that apparently includes electric chairs, toe snippers and various other torture devices, and some good ol' fashioned waterboarding. Fun!

3) Charles Logan - Has gotten into the mind of President Taylor and is now doing dances up in there. That incredible amount of neck flab can be very persuasive you know. I'm assuming that we'll find out soon that he has some other agenda for "helping" the President out other than just restoring his good name within government circles.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Doing a job at CTU that Bill Buchanan would be proud of, that is until she tried to lead Jack into a trap so that he could be brought in and stopped from bringing this whole scandal to light. Come on Chloe, you know better than that. Bill, get your ghost back to CTU and help her out a bit. RIP sir.

5) Cole Ortiz - After initially following Chloe's orders to capture Jack, he quickly realizes that Jack is always right and decides to help him out. Obviously though, his decision was made pretty easy after Jack had subdued all of his men and put a gun to his head. Jack can be pretty persuasive when he has a gun to your head, you know.

6) Renee Walker - A moment of silence, please.

Thank you.

7) Jack Bauer - As always, he is right about the whole scandal, and is doing everything he can to bring it to light and take down the Russians. Aside from Cole, he literally has no help whatsoever. What does this mean? Jack is going to win, of course. Russia = Dead. All Russians = Dead. President Taylor = Screwed. Charles Logan = Dead.

8) Omar Hassan - Like all of Russia is soon to be, he is dead. I wish the same fate upon his daughter as well. Seriously, could Kyla Hassan be ANY more annoying? I don't think so. I feel sorry for Dalia that she's had to put up with her stupid daughter for all these years.

9) Allison Taylor - Currently caught up in a web of Charles Logan's lies, which means she is royally screwed, because we all know Jack is going to win the day and bring this whole scandal to light. I except a firm bitch slap from Dalia Hassan, as well as a big fat, I TOLD YOU SO!! from Ethan Kanin as she sobs softly at her desk, knowing that her Presidency is slowly spinning down the toilet bowl, only to be deposited in the same septic tank where Logan's and Noah Daniels' Presidencies lie.

10) Ethan Kanin - First of all, he looks pretty sheik and sexy on Rob Weiss' body huh?! Looks like Ethan's been working out, post-heart attack of course. Anyway, he is like the shoulder angel to Charles Logan's shoulder devil for President Taylor, only Taylor consistently listens to the devil. Good for Ethan for sticking to his guns and resigning, only to give Taylor a good jab on the way out by saying the Logan had replaced him. BOOM ETHAN! She hated that comment. Well done, sir.

Other random thoughts from last night's episode:

- Air Force Apache helicopters? Yeah, no match for Jack. PEACE BITCHES!

- I love that Michael Madson's character is just chilling in New York City in a fancy computer room with enough weaponry to furnish a small army. We were all glad that he was able to provide Jack with "various assault rifles," along with everything else he requested, for the mission. Also love that gnarly scar that covers his entire neck. I hope we find out how that happened!

- You may have noticed that the Backpack of Doom had usurped the Satchel of Doom at the end of the episode. Jack always means business, but this time in particular he means even bigger business.

- I enjoyed the random Asian man who has stepped into a dana analyst role of some sort at CTU in the wake of BITCH's shenanigans and Chloe's promotion. He was funny.

MMBF - 4/26: It's the Extravaganza. We do it every year.

2010-04-26T15:05:00.021-04:00

Hola chicos y chicas, and welcome back to the Brain Fart! As you know, it was on hiatus for the last week because I was on a cruise ship somewhere in the Bahamas sipping on whiskey and gingers, smoking cuban cigars, and floating on the laziest of lazy rivers at Atlantis in Nassau. Clearly I did not have time to write anything or even think about you people, but now I'm back to the real world, so you can go back to looking forward to Mondays again.

Oh yeah, before I continue, I just wanted to show you a picture of the hot action I got down in the Bahamas. I know, you're jealous. She pleased me like none other.

I spent much of this weekend in front of the TV, and because of this, I watched a lot of really great playoff hockey highlights, most of which involved last second goals and overtime winners that made the crowd go absolutely nuts. There is nothing like playoff hockey. The intensity is incredible. The tension is unbearable. It's arguably the most scintillating few weeks in sports (if you're team is in it). That being said, I'd like to send a big ol' FUCK YOU to Glen Sather and the New York Rangers for depriving me of this excitement. Bastards.

After being denied a weekend of my new favorite team, the Red Bulls, by my vacation, I was able to watch them this past Saturday in their first ever game against the expansion Philadelphia Union, which they won 2-1. The result improved their record to 4-1. Boo yah! Anyway, I finally figured out who midfielder Joel Lindpere looks like after agonizing over it ever since I saw him for the first time: Dustin Pedroia, that scumbag from the Boston Red Sawcks. Now I feel really dirty for rooting for this guy, even if he's from Estonia and literally has zero connections to Pedroia. But just the fact that they look alike really burns my loins. Or maybe that's something else burning my loins at the moment that I got in the Bahamas...

Sunday, I saw The Proposal for the first (and last) time. It's the romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, where Reynolds is forced to marry his boss who he hates (Bullock) so she doesn't get deported back to Canada. I have 2 words for my review of this movie: It sucked. Eli!

And finally, as you all know, this past weekend was the NFL Draft, which of course meant the 3rd Annual NFL Draft/White Castle Extravaganza! And even though Roger Goodell tried to ruin it for us by moving the 1st round to primetime on Thursday and therefore when we weren't home due to vacation, we persevered by DVRing the first round and watching it on Friday in conjunction with rounds 2 and 3. Despite your best efforts Goodell, much White Castle was consumed while much NFL Draft was watched. Suck it, Roger!

Anyway, on to my thoughts about the Draft:

- ESPN's broadcast was AWFUL during rounds 1, 2, and 3. I've always watched ESPN for the NFL Draft, and I always will, particularly because Chris Berman entertains me, but the broadcast itself was pretty bad. Graphics all over the place, dead air, anchors looking confused, field reporters not knowing they are on the air... I would assume many a person got fired. It was funny watching Chris Berman get angry when he was on camera but wasn't supposed to be. In fact, it's always funny watching Chris Berman get angry:

- The Day 3 broadcast of rounds 4-7 featuring ESPN's "B" team, anchored by Trey Wingo, was flawless. Thought that was funny too.

- Jon Gruden loves every player in the draft. No matter what negative things Mel Kiper or Todd McShay had to say about a player, Gruden would always chime in with how much he loved the player and knew he was going to succeed. According to Gruden, every team is going 16-0 this year! A big WOO HOO to parity!

- This was the NFL Draft. The players involved are kids not even in the league yet. And still, ESPN found a way to jizz all over Brett Favre. I hate him.

Now my thoughts on the Giants draft picks!

1) Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida - We desperately need a middle linebacker, and I wasn't sure who we were going to take after Oakland took Rolando McClain at number 8 (after which I almost threw Scott off my balcony), but I think I like the pick of Pierre-Paul because it's tough to pass up a ridiculous freak athlete like him. We won the Super Bowl with 4 great DE's in 2007, let's do so again in 2010.

2) Linval Joseph, DT, East Carolina - A big fatty for the middle of our D-line so we can stop the run. Like it, but we still need a MLB.

3) Chad Jones, S, LSU - Clearly this pick tells me that despite everything the Giants brass has been saying, Kenny Phillips is far from being fully recovered from his knee injury. Lots of people think Jones could be great though, so we'll see. Still need a MLB.

4) Phillip Dillard, MLB, Nebraska - FINALLY! A MLB! Except this one has a big injury history. Awesome.

5) Mitch Petrus, OL, Arkansas - A big hog of a lineman who could play some guard for us in his rookie year. Apparently can bench press a house.

6) Adrian Tracy, OLB, William & Mary - Who?

7) Matt Dodge, P, East Carolina - Pretty much signals the end of the Jeff Feagles era. According to Tom Coughlin, Feagles is leaning towards retirement. If that's the case, you were the best Jeff, we'll miss you! Now if only Lawrence Tynes would retire...

Ugh. Another week of work.

Memoirs of a Dying Industry

2010-04-15T21:23:00.037-04:00

So the other day I was watching the Braves on MLB Network (which, by the way, is a phenomenal channel. If you're a baseball fan, it should be a nightly stop for you), and I, like the rest of the country, quickly came down with a case of Jason Heyward fever. That guy is a flat-out stud. He's 6 foot 4, 220 pounds, and leads the Braves in home runs and RBIs - and he's only 20 years old. So naturally while watching him, I thought, I should probably buy a custom player t-shirt with his name on it from mlb.com. So to mlb.com I went so I could make the purchase. After looking at my shopping cart as I prepared to checkout, I had my next thought: I'm not spending enough money here. Yes I know, that's a thought that often gets people into trouble, but I succumbed to the urge anyway and continued to browse the website. And after a couple minutes of doing so, I stumbled across something that immediately took me back to the glory days of yore: baseball cards.

Nothing reminds me more of my childhood than baseball cards. While other kids my age were smoking drugs or banging in the janitor's closet (what the hell kind of elementary school did I go to?? I might be exaggerating a bit), I was collecting and trading baseball cards. As a kid, I'd say that 95% of the total allowance I garnered from my parents during the time they gave it to me went towards the purchase of baseball cards. No football cards. No basketball cards. No hockey cards. Baseball only. Steven's going to the convenience store to get milk? He's coming back with a new pack of cards. Steven has a funeral to go to? He's sneaking out to go to the corner and buy a new pack of cards. You name the event, I was somehow coming out of it with new baseball cards.

I remember the late 80s - early 90s, when every pack of Topps would come with that cardboard-like stick of gum; the stick would leave that powdery residue all over the card that it was up against inside the pack. The Bazooka packs always had the best gum, but Bazooka cards weren't worth all that much, so I tended to stay away from them. As the years went by, more and more companies started making cards. Topps and Upper Deck were the mainstays, but there was also Fleer, Donruss, Score, Stadium Club, Leaf, Pinnacle... the options were endless. Those who were lucky had the 1989 Upper Deck Ken Griffey, Jr. rookie card. I have 2 of them. Young baseball fans today can identify a bit more with the 1993 Topps Derek Jeter rookie card. I have 4 of them, 2 of which are Topps Gold. You always wanted to be the guy who had the most valuable cards, but not because you wanted to sell them and make money, but because of their sentimental value and the bragging rights over your friends that they gave you.

I remember going over to my friend Doug's house with my baseball card binders in tow, ready to make trades. His favorite player was Frank Thomas of the White Sox, but I never wanted to trade him any of mine because Frank Thomas and Ken Griffey, Jr. were always the most valuable cards in a set. They were always worth $3.00, the rest of the set was $2.25 and under. I remember bundling all of my common cards together in rubber-banded piles, because they weren't worth squat and I didn't care that the rubber bands dented the sides. I remember going to card shows, running directly to the David Justice sections of people's collections, and buying every single one that I didn't already own. My friend Koz and I grew up with Justice being our favorite player, so we collected as many cards of his as we could. Justice has his own binder in my collection, and the last time I remember counting them I had over 450 cards of him alone. I remember making trades with my younger brother where I would convince him that 2 cards of crappy Astros players were worth just as much as the Topps All-Star card that featured Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken, Jr., because obviously 2 crappy cards are worth as much as 1 card with 2 Hall of Famers on it (right Matthew? HA HA!).

I stopped collecting cards somewhere between 1999 and the turn of the century. There were just too many companies, too many cards to keep up with. Companies started coming out with cards that had jersey pieces on them, cards that were coated in layers of holograms and such. It was like they were bastardizing those wonderful pieces of card stock with pictures and stats of players that I loved. Plus I was in high school and other "interests" were taking me over, so the baseball card era of my life unceremoniously came to an end. Now tens of thousands of cards occupy numerous binders and shoeboxes on the top couple of shelves in the closet of my old bedroom at my parent's house. Every once in a while when I'm back at home I look at them and think about taking them down, looking at them, organizing them in a different way than how they already are. But I never do. And over the years since I've stopped collecting, and more specifically in the last couple of years, I've read many articles about the downfall of the baseball card industry. Too many brands and not enough collectors lead to most of the companies folding. Card values are down. It's sad, because I feel that kids these days don't get to enjoy the national pastime in the way I was able to as a kid because of the dearth of baseball cards. Now Topps has an exclusive deal with Major League Baseball to be the one and only card company that can have Major League players and teams on them. One company. One choice. The writing is on the wall for this once-booming and now dying industry.

Which brings me back to the box of cards I purchased along with my Jason Heyward shirt, the box of cards that was delivered to me at my office today. I remember each new pack of cards being like Christmas morning: you had no idea what was beneath the shiny wrapping and couldn't wait to tear that wrapping off to find out. How about we re-discover this feeling, if only for one lonely night in my mid-twenties?! I clearly have no friends. The highlights of my night of reminiscence:

- The box starts with some thing called a "Commemorative Patch Card," and mine is of.... Chase Utley, with a commemorative patch from the 2008 World Series. Great. Doesn't Topps know I hate the Phillies? If you're going to bastardize the baseball card with a patch, at least make it of a player I actually like!

- Oooo! A 3 player card of NL RBI Leaders with Prince Fielder, Ryan Howard, and Albert Pujols! I bet if my brother owned this card I could give him 3 crappy Astros cards for this one.

- An old Frank Robinson card as a part of the series "The Cards Your Mom Threw Out." Nice. They're putting old cards in the packs for you to re-discover. Except they're not the actual old cards, just new ones that look like the old ones. Oye.

- Tim Lincecum! Awesome.

- "History of the Game" series of cards, that teach you different things about baseball, such as when it was invented, when the first World Series was... not too bad. I can dig that.

- Tommy Hanson! Nice. Give it to me Topps.

- Albert Pujols! He HAS to be the Frank Thomas or Ken Griffey, Jr. of this generation of baseball cards. $3.00 BOO YAH.

- Oh sweet. So this card has a code for you to enter online so you can get an actual old card that "Your Mom Threw Away." Looks like some people have gotten old Mickey Mantle's, Cal Ripken's, etc. Let's see what I get.... a 2007 Joey Gathright? You've got to be kidding me. I'll leave that one in the trash, Mom. Thanks.

- Ah, a Tobi Stoner Rookie Card. I have no idea who that is, except he has a cool name and he plays for the Mets, which means he's going to suck.

- A toppstown.com card, which gives you a code to go online and unlock a virtual pack of cards. I don't want virtual cards. I want real cards that you can hold in your hands. This just keeps getting worse.

- Topps Attax Head-to-Head Card Game?! What is this, Magic the Gathering? No wonder why this industry is going down the toilet.

Well as you can see from my discoveries this evening, there are reasons that the baseball card industry is suffering, and it's obvious that Topps will go to great lengths and great absurdities to attract new customers. So while this wasn't as satisfying an experience as it was when I was a kid, it was still fun to remember that old feeling I used to get when I opened a new pack of cards. Unfortunately though, that's not a feeling that kids these days can get anymore, and that is surely a travesty.

I thank you for bearing with me during this self-indulgent bit of nostalgia. And yes, I realize I am a huge nerd. Also, feel free to comment with any baseball card collecting memories you may have as well. I'd love to hear them.

When Jack impregnates a woman, it only takes 3 months for the baby to come out either jacked like Rambo (boy) or hot like Kim (girl)

2010-04-12T23:06:00.023-04:00

Apparently in the last 2 days, life has conspired to take away from me everything that I love. I am inconsolable right now. First, the Rangers were taken away from me on Sunday, and now last night, well, if you haven't seen the latest episode of 24, I suggest you look away. Just know that things are not good. On to my character key.

1) Arlo Glass - I've somewhat come around to him ever since he became leery of BITCH and then made a joke about staring at her boobies, but sometimes he asks too many questions when he should just do what he's told, especially when he's taking orders from a certain new CTU executive...

2) BITCH - Currently rotting in a cell, waiting for Cole to have some free time so he can tear her limb from limb for not only betraying her country, but breaking his heart.

3) Brian Hastings - As I've been discussing, the spirit of Bill Buchanan has been growing stronger and stronger with him, which directly lead to my friends and I liking him more and more. Well, apparently Secretary of Homeland Security Tim Woods doesn't feel the same way, because he replaced Hastings as head of CTU with...

4) Chloe O'Brian - Yes! An inspired pick by Tim Woods, and the person that Bill Buchanan himself would have chosen to be his successor. The country instantly became 459% safer as soon as Hastings finished going over protocols with her, and she already proved her mettle by instantly realizing that someone at the scene had secretly poisoned Samir so that he would die and couldn't talk. Bill's watching you from above, Chloe, and damn is he proud of you. RIP Bill. CTU is in good hands now with Chloe, but it'll never be in as great a hands as it was when you were here with us.

5) Cole Ortiz - Jack correctly called him a good agent as he said his goodbyes, and he is right. Cole's a good man, but he's also another person who needs to just do what Chloe says. Don't question her request for a toxicity test on Samir, Cole, just do it. She's always going to be right.

6) Renee Walker - I'm speechless. I cannot believe that Renee has been taken from us, and more importantly, taken from Jack. She will truly be missed, not only by Jack and her fellow friends in anti-terrorism, but by me, because Renee and I had forged a special bond over the last few months, a bond that not even death can break. At least she had the honor and privilege of coitus with Jack right before she was killed. If you're gonna go, might as well go out having just previously engaged in the pinnacle of humanity, right? Renee is a much more deserving recipient of the silent countdown than Hassan was. A moment of silence please.

7) Jack Bauer - You have to wonder about the audacity of God to take away every woman in Jack's life from him when Jack is a greater being than He. First Terry, then Audrey Raines, now Renee. You just have to feel bad for the guy. And once he finds out that the Russians were behind the murder of Renee sometime next week... oooooooooooo boy, Russia better watch out. We are about to see Jack kill more people and blow up more countries in the next 6 episodes than he has in all 8 seasons combined. Buckle up!

8) Omar Hassan - Hopefully not still sitting in that chair with his throat cut open. One would think that someone bothered to at least put him in a body bag or something, right? His exotic and estranged wife is now the President of the IRK, which most likely means she's going to die too.

9) Allison Taylor - Can see right through the Russians and knows that they never intended to sign the peace treaty in the first place. You think she had a shit fit when she found out Rob Weiss was co-leader of the plan to turn Hassan over to the terrorists? Watch out for her when she finds out the Russians were also behind the plot to nuke Manhattan. Baldy Ruski better get ready for a right bitch slappin'!

10) Rob Weiss - Currently in prison, awaiting trial for treason and most likely looking forward to the death penalty. Unless by now Jafar has gotten into the prison dressed as a vagabond and convinced Rob that he needs to go with him to the desert to recover the ancient lamp for him, in which case he has escaped and we'll never see him again.

Other random thoughts from an episode where my soul was sniped from me:

- Kyla Hassan needs to fall out of a window on the 36th floor of the UN or something. She sucks.

- In typical 24 fashion, there is always someone behind the main plot that is bigger and shadowyer (I just invented that word. Boom.) than those who were originally carrying it out. Last year it was Coach Yost. This year it's the Russians. Jack is going to exterminate all of them.

- Something's fishy about Eat Logan's return. Obviously he wants to appear well-intentioned, but that look in his eyes tells you he has other motives. I'm as excited as anyone that he's back, because I missed that hesitant scowl of his, but let's not forget that he was behind the assassination of David Palmer, the greatest President this country has ever scene. Let's hope he takes a step in the right direction towards redemption for the good of this country, and for his own good, because Jack will kill him too if he screws the pooch.

Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep. Goodnight forever Renee. I love you.

MMBF - 4/12: And Just Like That, It was Over.

2010-04-12T10:55:00.060-04:00

Greetings on this terribly depressing and somber Monday morning. I'll get to why I'm so sad later, but thank God I live in New Jersey. The mere thought of that picks my spirits right up, as it should yours if you also happen to find yourself in a lugubrious state of mind. On to my musings from my sports-centric weekend.

Due to previous work obligations, I was unable to watch the final round of the Masters on Sunday when my boy Phil Mickelson took over and won the green jacket. LEFTY POWER MOTHER (BEEEEEP)ERS. Anyway, I did get to watch some on Saturday, when obviously most of the coverage centered around Tiger Hoods and his return to golf. Well, it nice to see that some things never change, because after his tee shot on one of the holes, he proceeded to yell, "TIGER WOODS! YOU SSSSSSSSSSSSSUCK! GODDAMMIT!" I particularly enjoyed the drawn out ssssssssuck, but I also enjoyed that he hasn't changed his ways just because other people say he needs to behave better on the golf course. Who cares if he throws a tantrum every once in a while? I know I would if I drove the ball as badly as he does sometimes. Did people stay away from seeing Happy Gilmore because Happy threw a tantrum on the course? Absolutely not. Don't sweat the haters, Tiger.

Now concerning el Tigre's other, more public indiscretions and the ramifications they've had on his personal and professional life, as a sports fan I say, who cares? Yes, he is a douchebag. And yes, he has treated his wife and family about as good as I treat my fist when the Giants lose. But we're seeing perhaps the greatest golfer to ever live. Just like we'll tell our grandkids about seeing Michael Jordan play basketball, we'll tell them about seeing Tiger Woods play golf. And as a sports fan, that is a pretty amazing thing to say. Granted, my grandchildren will then respond with, "But grandpa, didn't he have a penchant for banging porn stars and other unsavory women behind his wife's back?" (my grandkids will have an advanced vocabulary). And I will answer, "Yes, but you should have seen the things he could do on a golf course." You may not appreciate him as a person - I know I certainly do not. But you have to appreciate his all-time greatness at golf.

One final Masters thought: Do you think Jim Nantz gets paid to say "A tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS." over and over and over and over again? He must, because he tries to fit it into every sentence he possibly can. "Phil Mickelson with a birdie on 16. And we'll be right back, at this Tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS." "Tiger Woods is obviously undressing that girl in the gallery with his eyes, at this Tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS."

My new favorite team, the Red Bulls, finally lost their first game of the season on Saturday, 2-0 to Chivas USA. Sadly, Chivas had yet to score a goal the entire season up until this point, so that's bad, but hopefully not a harbinger of things to come. I'm finally starting to learn some of the players names, and because of that and his play, I've come to the following conclusion: Dane Richards SUCKS. He needs to be replaced, ASAP. He's fast, but he turns the ball over constantly, doesn't play too much defense, and his crosses into the box are about as good as an infant's. I'd like to see more of (enter replacement name here) on the right flank.

Yesterday they blew up that shithole Texas Stadium, formerly the home of the Dallas Cowgirls. AWESOME.

I prefer to title this video, "What Happens When Tony Homo Lines Up Under Center With the Game on the Line." It's the perfect metaphor! And I think Dallas fans would agree.

Saturday was a fun day for Yankee fans, as CC Sabathia came thisclose to a no-hitter, getting as far as 2 outs in the 8th inning against Tampa Bay. It's funny how when you're watching a pitcher in the midst of a no-hitter, everyone gets really superstitious so as not to jinx him. All of my friends completely stopped texting me (either that or they actually don't like me), we stopped moving seats, no one got up to go to the bathroom... it's a bit ridiculous, but anything to help the cause right? Ultimately, what helped the cause was A-Rod and Mark Teixeira making outstanding defensive plays, but sadly it was not to be, as Kelly Shoppach eventually broke it up with a clean single. Oh well, we tried our best CC.

I really though Old Spice couldn't top itself with it's ridiculously incredible commercial about the guy having girls "look at your boyfriend, now look at me, now look at your boyfriend, now back to me." But they have. Behold the excellence.

In a word, that commercial is: AWESOME. It's the New Jersey of commercials.

Saturday evening was an interesting evening filled with various shenanigans and new experiences. I'll begin with our trip home on the PATH back from NYC: As we were running down to the platform at the World Trade Center PATH Station, we separated a bit and ended up getting on different PATH cars. So a few of us were standing there waiting for the train to leave when all of a sudden Daddy ran onto our train and said, "You guys gotta come to our car! There are ZOMBIES AND VAMPIRES!!!" Naturally we went, and upon arriving in that car, we were horrified to find out that there legitimately were zombies and vampires there. These weren't Halloween funny HA HA freaks either, they were legit. And they were angry, especially about being called Zombies. "WE'RE NOT FUCKING ZOMBIES. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" Things were getting tense. Then one of them attacked Daddy and tried to eat him, but he managed to squirm away to safety. A few blurry photos of the carnage:

It was scary, trust me. So to get away, we made the mistake of heading to another incredibly frightening place: Hollywood Fried Chicken in the JC. Let's just say the allure of delicious fried chicken will never be enough to get me to go back there, for reasons I most likely shouldn't go into in this most public of forums. That and the complete lack of bacon they serve there. A-1, I apologize for treating you like Tiger Woods treats his wife, if only for one night. It'll never happen again.

And finally, the reason for the title of this week's Brain Fart: the New York Rangers, and the heartbreak they have caused me. I can assure you that I will be going into much greater depth about this team's problems at a later date, but I can't now because I'll just get even more angry than I already am. I'll only say this: I knew I was set up for heartbreak, and I let them do it to me anyway. After Friday's win over Philly set up the do-or-die matchup with the Flyers again on Sunday, I knew deep down that they were only setting us Ranger fans up for disappointment. They always do. But because we're fans, we tend to believe in our team even though we know only bad things happen when we do so. Of course, bad things happened. And just like that, the season is over. Hockey moves into the playoffs without us, and we're left to pick up the pieces of our dreams all the while knowing that the shitty and terrible management team that runs the Rangers couldn't care less about us. The owner and the management of the New York Rangers don't deserve fans like us. Will this make us go away then? Nope. But I've never felt worse about the fact that I can't explain why we'll never leave than I do now.

Ugh. Another week of work. Also, there will be no Brain Fart next week as I will be on a cruise in the Bahamas, and entertaining you people will be the furthest thing from my mind. Not that I don't love you all dearly, of course.

Hey Mets Fans!

2010-04-09T16:01:00.004-04:00

Yeah! All 34 of you! Listen up!

It looks like David Wright is going to have a HUGE year this year. Check it out:

Sadly though, that video will be the high point for the Mets this year. Mets fans, stop talking yourselves into Oliver Perez. It's unhealthy.

And yes, I am entirely too excited for season 2 of Jersey Shore.

A woman named Mary once looked at Jack Bauer. 9 months later Jesus Christ popped out.

2010-04-06T10:50:00.039-04:00

Good day sirs and ma'ams. Last night was an epic night of television due to a shocking 2 hours of 24 and one of the best basketball national championship games you will ever see. I needed pills to sleep last night. But enough of my puffery, onto the 24 review, complete with my handy numbered character guide, which I think I will default to every week now from here on out.

1) Arlo Glass - Was sooooo close to figuring out BITCH while they were in the networking room, but then again, he was sooooo close to being killed by the queen of chokin' fools too. Thank God Chloe called him and saved his life. Also, he made a funny funny about staring at BITCH's tatters, though I'd like to think he always looked at them because her face is so busted.

2) BITCH - Finally was outed as the terrorist within CTU. Probably should have happened sooner if anyone had bothered to notice the sinister look that is plastered on her face 24/7. I was SO excited when they found out she was evil, but that resulted in her getting the chance to show off her skills with the 9 mill on the poor front desk security guards. I really wanted Cole to rip her face off and shove a grenade down her throat, but alas, she was the only person with the information CTU needed, so of course she was given immunity like every bad person in this show, though at least this time it was conditional upon Hassan's survival.

3) Brian Hastings - Even though it looked like he was maybe catching on to the BITCH in recent episodes, he apparently was not, seeing as he had no problem letting her onto his computer. Did the right thing by giving Cole his gun back and letting him back in the field towards the end. Hastings from the beginning of the season wouldn't have done that, but since the ghost of Bill Buchanan has infiltrated him, he's making smarter decisions now. We still miss you Bill. RIP my friend.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Performed her usual good work on the keyboard but also showed her skill on the clipboard by quickly identifying the cell phone that called Tarin from CTU as the BITCH's. Continues to be the blood that circulates in the veins of CTU.

5) Cole Ortiz - Was genuinely flabbergasted by the revelation that BITCH was a terrorist. Seriously Cole? I thought you were better than that. Luckily is eye is better through a rifle scope than it is really getting to know the women he plans to marry. I suggest you get better at the second one, sir.

6) Renee Walker - I'm thinking of taking her name when we get married. Mr. Steven Walker. Has a nice ring to it right? Renee continues to be a force for good, the ying to Jack's yang. Did a great job identifying the blonde wig on the terrorist's floor and capping her ass before the terrorist was able to inflict some damage. Those are the kind of instincts I love to see, wifee.

7) Jack Bauer - Simply the greatest man who ever lived, and every week he sets the bar of greatness even higher than we ever thought possible. He sees through every plot, finds out every secret, instinctfully identifies all trouble... he's just a marvel. I would go on but words really can't describe how awesome he is. He's the New Jersey of men.

8) Omar Hassan - Intentionally gives himself up to the terrorists so that they wouldn't kill tens of thousands of Americans. Bravo, Omar. He also stands up for his morals by declining to "apologize" to the world for his "sins" even though he was being tortured. Unfortunately this leads to him eating the big eat and having his throated cut. Part of me is happy about this because now that means that BITCH isn't getting immunity, so hopefully Cole will have a chance to break into her holding cell and tear her to pieces. I also have mixed feelings about his silent countdown. I think that should only be reserved for series mainstays, characters that we've fallen in love with. On the other hand, he was an important character, so maybe he deserved it.

9) Allison Taylor - Was alerted to the betrayal perpetrated by General Bruckner and Rob Weiss by Jack Bauer and took appropriate action. She also did a lot of damage-control in this episode with Hassan's family. Kudos to President Taylor as well for recognizing the greatness that is Renee Walker and commending her on her excellent work. Apparently she demands a lot out of her cabinet, however, as I thought it was a bit much to ask Ethan Kanin to play hurt just hours after he went into cardiac arrest and was deprived of medical care by Bruckner and Weiss. Let's ease off the gas a bit there, eh Allison?

10) Rob Weiss - Disobeyed the orders of his President, but most importantly, screwed with a mission that Jack Bauer himself was leading. Biiiiiig mistake there buddy. The death penalty isn't going to be the worst thing that happens to you in the coming months.

Other random thoughts on Monday night's extravaganza:

- Figures that someone driving a Honda Insight would get in the way of Jack chasing Tarin in the parking garage. FREAKIN' HIPPIES, DEMS, AND LIBS. Always messing around with justice. (ANGRY FACE) Of course, it turned out that this particular hippie somehow was able to use the transporter from Star Trek to get Hassan out of the SUV and into her trunk. Tricky bastards!

- I thought the terrorists gave up the nuclear bomb really easily. They got Hassan. They gave up the bomb. It was that simple, when usually it never is. You have to applaud them I suppose for having their eyes on the prize. There was no time for such tomfoolery as killing Americans. Get the IRK President. Kill the IRK President. Mission accomplished.

- I am SO EXCITED for Charles Logan, better known as Eat Logan, to return to 24. Yes, he was a villian in past seasons, but who cares?!?! It turned out he was just a pawn in a larger scheme perpetrated by Coach Yost anyway. Any guy who can return from being stabbed in the neck by his ex-wife is good in my book. hiuppewwoighwpoeigvnlkDVNPOHEqwgopnWEWL;JKNV[piojo vWPOIUEVNBJewoijewgegpj 24[oinwrl;kjn!@!!!!! Wow, look at that. I jammed my fists down on the keyboard and still typed 24 out in there. This show is truly amazing and life-changing.

MMBF - 4/5: Just When I Thought Philly Couldn't Be Any Stupider...

2010-04-05T14:25:00.044-04:00

Greetings on this lovely Monday afternoon here in Nueva Jersey. My apologies for the the forced usage of the word "afternoon" in my previous sentence, but I have been ridiculously busy today. In fact, it may not even be afternoon anymore by time this is done. Also, I would like to wish a Happy Easter Yesterday to my fellow gentiles. On to the bullhonkey!

It was a weekend of glorious baseball movie action for me, as I had the pleasure of stumbling upon two of the all-time classics while flipping channels Friday and Saturday: Bull Durham and The Sandlot. I'm fairly confident there is nothing I could say that appropriately conveys the majesty and greatness that both of these movies are, so I won't bother wasting your time. Bull Durham is arguably the best sports movie ever made, while The Sandlot would make many people's top 10 list for all-time great baseball movies. I would assume you've already seen both of them, but do yourself a favor and watch them again. If you haven't seen them, however, please do all of us a favor and disappear forever. Clearly your life has ceased to be meaningful.

Saturday I was able to watch the next installment of ESPN's 30 for 30 documentary series, Guru of Go, which is the story of Loyola Marymount head coach Paul Westhead and the death of his star player, Hank Gathers. See it as soon as you can. It was very well done, and very emotional. I may or may not regret admitting this, but the last time I cried was when I was dragged to the theaters to see Marley & Me. I knew the whole time that the damn dog was going to die and STILL I bawled my face off when it happened. Anyway, that same feeling came over me during 2 scenes of this documentary: When Gathers actually collapsed on the court and died, and when Bo Kimble hit the left-handed free throw in honor of his fallen friend. Really sad stuff. I was definitely welling-up, though the fireworks that that stupid golden retriever caused never arrived thankfully. The doc also showed the ugly side of humanity, when it went into how some greedy attorney decided he could make a few bucks and a name for himself by convincing the Gathers family to sue LMU for causing Hank's death. The family apparently regrets that action to this day, but I could imagine it would be easy to be swept up in the need for consolation in whatever form (in this case money) when you're grieving the loss of a family member.

The Rangers continued their never-ending quest to raise our hopes before crushing them with back to back wins on Friday and Saturday, 5-0 over the Lightning and 4-1 over the Panthers, respectively. These 2 wins put them only 2 points behind Filthadelphia for the final playoff spot, but the Rangers effectively control their own destiny because we play Philly twice to end the season. The Rangers played really well for most of the 2 games, which makes it even more frustrating because you can see how good this team can be, but you know that they'll inevitably have a letdown and either miss the playoffs or make them as the 8th seed, go up 2-0 against the Capitals, then lose 4 in a row to be eliminated to end the season. The emotional distress they cause me is unbearable, and I think the only cure is to have Glen Sather fired and for the new GM to get rid of half the team. But seeing as that won't happen, it looks like they'll continue to take years off of my life for the foreseeable future. Poop.

Just thought you'd all like to know that my new favorite team, the New York Red Bulls, are 2-0 after their big win over Seattle on Saturday night! It was huge for 2 reasons: 1) They hadn't won an away game in 29 games, and 2) Seattle is really awesome. I don't really know any of their names yet, but the goalie is awesome, the center midfielder who scored against Chicago in the opener (Joel something?) is awesome, and our rookie centerback is awesome. However, our right midfielder is not so awesome and he needs to be replaced. Soon enough I will learn their names and give them the proper amount of praise/hatred. But in the meantime, we're 2-0 baby!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Final Four discussion: Butler rules, Duke sucks. In a battle of white guys for the national championship tonight, I am wholeheartedly pulling for Butler, because Duke's white guys are so annoying, they make me want to scoop out my eyeballs with a spork. Also, Gordon Hayward looks like he is 13 but is awesome, and I feel really bad for Da'Sean Butler. Now onto CBS: ENOUGH WITH THE RIDICULOUS CAMERA ANGLES. Why isn't it good enough that we watch basketball with the same camera angle that we've always watched it in? Now they have a stupid camera angle from the opposing hoop, as well as a camera that floats above the players and moves with the action. STOP IT, CBS. ALL OF THOSE ANGLES SUCK. No wonder why you're going to lose the tournament to ESPN. Also, Jim Nantz needs to make sure that Clark Kellogg keeps it in his pants during the broadcast. I know he has a man crush on Duke, like every television executive does, but when he starts making up basketball terms like "banana cuts," "shots below the waste," and "spraying the defense" to describe Duke's play, he's making it a bit obvious that he has a hard-on for Coach K. Those terms don't exist Clark. Just come out already and tell us how much you want a gang bang with Brian Zoubek, Nolan Smith, and Kyle Singler.

It was an inauspicious beginning to the season for the Yankees bullpen last night, which in turn led to an inauspicious beginning to the season for the Yankees team. It started off so well, with Curtis Granderson and Jorge Posada going BACK TO BACK AND BELLY TO BELLY, along with CC Sabathia pitching fairly well. It all unraveled so quickly, however, as Joe Girardi left CC in there even though he was obviously losing it, which lead to the Sawcks getting back in the game. When Joe finally did replace CC with David Robertson and Robertson, who was throwing the ball really well, got out of the inning, he of course decided to over-manage his bullpen like he always does and bring in Chan Ho Park instead of leaving Robertson in. Big mistake. Park got lit up. When Jorge finally let up a pass ball to bring in the Sawcks go ahead run, the pain became too much to bare. That and the absurd time it takes for a Yanks-Sawcks game to finish, of course. I swear those 2 teams can't finish a game in under 4 hours. Bad way to start the season for the Yanks, but luckily there are 161 more games for them to make up for it.

And finally, just when you thought Philly couldn't be any stupider, they go and trade Donovan McNabb... to the WASHINGTON REDSKINS. IDIOTS. I was all excited about the Eagles parting ways with a quarterback who always kills us, especially because he was rumored to go to the Raiders, Bills, Rams, etc. But in a move that proves just how much of a dumbass Andy Reid is, he considered Donovan's feelings, and dealt him to a team that he actually wanted to go to, a team that just so happens to be in THEIR OWN DIVISION. Now he will haunt the Eagles twice a year, while continuing to haunt my Giants twice a year. Un-freakin-believable. The stupidity of the citizens of Filthadelphia continues to amaze me.

Hi Alicia.

Ugh. Another week of work. But to tide you over throughout this week, let me introduce you to the greatest website EVER created:

Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor

2010 MLB Preview!

2010-04-01T08:49:00.028-04:00

Sweet Jesus, baseball is back! This Sunday, Easter Sunday, the 2010 season opens with a night game between the defending World Champion New York Yankees and those shit stains from the north, the Bawston Red Sawcks. The quest for championship number 28 begins for the Yanks, and the quest to keep the title as the most obnoxious fans outside of Filthadelphia continues for The Nation. Let's go!

Since baseball is not only our nation's pastime but my favorite sport, I am compelled to throw together a little season preview. I know that most of you do not care about what I think of sports, as evidenced by the fact that my 2 most popular articles have to do with Megan Hauserman and Jersey Shore, but I'm going to do this anyway, so humor me. Below, I'll tell you how each division is going to finish, followed by my insightful and occasionally witty commentary. The asterisk will denote which team I think will win the Wild Card in each league.

AL EAST

New York Yankees
*Tampa Bay Rays
Bawston Red Sawcks
Baltimore Orioles
Toronto Blue Jays

Looks like injuries could be the only thing that stops the Yankees from winning another division title, while the Rays will be close behind them, winning the Wild Card in the process. The Rays have more talent than the Sawcks, whose big offseason acquisitions were a 31 year old pitcher who Anaheim fans were never sad to see go, a 34 year old shortstop with a .265 career average, a 37 year old centerfielder, and a third baseman who has a penchant for only performing in contract years. Does that sound promising to you, Nation?

AL CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox
Minnesota Twins
Detroit Tigers
Kansas City Royals
Cleveland Indians

Everything I'm reading in the build-up to this season says that Jake Peavy is healthy and ready to dominate this year, which is why I'm putting the White Sox in the driver's seat. Obviously, this means they'll probably finish in last place. Sorry Chicago!

AL WEST

Seattle Mariners
Texas Rangers
Anaheim Angels
Oakland Athletics

For once, God will curry favor upon the Pacific Northwest, who after a year where they had their NBA team stolen and had to watch Kevin Durant flourish into a potential top 20 NBA player of all time in a different city, and then had to suffer with a pathetic Seahawks team, the Mariners will bring some joy back to their depressing lives by winning the division. They won't score much, but they play the best defense and have the best 1-2 starting pitcher tandem in baseball. And no, the Angels are not from Los Angeles, despite what Arte Moreno will have you believe.

NL EAST

Filthadelphia Phillies
*Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
New York Mets
Washington Nationals

The Phillies probably have the most talent in the league, which means they'll most likely win the division. Pardon me while I drive hot needles into my eyes.... Thank you. Anyway, the Braves have the best prospect in baseball, Jason Heyward, starting in right field, a deep pitching staff, the best catcher in the majors not named Joe Mauer, and the will to send Bobby Cox out the right way. Smells like the playoffs to me. The Mets, on the other hand, have Johan Santana and then a pu pu platter of pitchers behind him in the rotation. They suck.

NL CENTRAL

St. Louis Cardinals
Milwaukee Brewers
Chicago Cubs
Cincinnati Reds
Houston Astros
Pittsburgh Pirates

It's hard to pick against the Cardinals when they have the division's best pitching 1-2 in Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright, as well as the best player in the game, Albert Pujols. The rest of their hitters should be vastly "improved" as well due to the "teaching methods" of new hitting coach Mark McGwire. I wouldn't be surprised if the Brewers won this division though. They'll hit the crap out of the ball, and if the staff can be effective behind Yovani Gallardo, they should contend. Meanwhile in Chicago, Cubs fans will continue to contemplate suicide for the 102nd year in a row.

NL WEST

Colorado Rockies
San Francisco Giants
Los Angeles Dodgers
Arizona Diamondbacks
San Diego Padres

The Rockies have a lot of young power and speed, and seemingly a good pitching staff, headed by Ubaldo Jimenez. The end of the bullpen is a bit of a question, but I don't think the Giants will be able to hit enough to keep up with them. The Dodgers will contend as well, but when you're leaning on Vicente Padilla to be a valuable member of your pitching staff... well...... oh boy. Expect Adrian Gonzalez to be shipped out of San Diego at some point this season.

PLAYOFFS - DIVISION SERIES

Yankees over White Sox
Mariners over Rays

Phillies over Rockies
Braves over Cardinals

CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Yankees over Mariners
Braves over Phillies

WORLD SERIES

Braves over Yankees

Bobby Cox would deserve nothing more than to go out with a World Series title in his last year as a manager before he retires, and I think the Braves do it for him. Not only would this be the Braves first World Series title since 1995, but it would also be the first time they've sold out a playoff game since then as well. Get ready to hear the Tomahawk Chop 8,546,322 times during the end of the season and the playoffs!

If anyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called "10 Minutes"

2010-03-30T10:03:00.019-04:00

Kill yourself, Dana Walsh. And let it be known from now on that I will never refer to her by name in this blog EVER again. She shall henceforth be known as BITCH.

Let's revisit our handy-dandy character key to discuss last night's episode of real life, er, I mean, 24:

1) Arlo Glass - Was hot on the trail of the cab of 4 Indians with a nuclear bomb until that BITCH screwed with the satellites and threw them off course. Thankfully he didn't hit on her in this episode. He'll feel really dirty when he finds out the truth about BITCH.

2) BITCH - YOU BITCH! (BEEP) YOU YOU STUPID (BEEP BEEP BEEP) SLUT WHORE PIECE OF (BEEP BEEP) I'M GOING TO STAB YOUR (BEEP BEEP BEEP) EYEBALLS YOU (BEEP) WAIT TIL COLE FINDS OUT YOU (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP) I WANT YOU TO DIE YOU (BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)

3) Brian Hastings - The spirit of Bill Buchanan is getting stronger and stronger with this one. His speech to everyone at CTU as they approached under 50 minutes until the bomb went off was inspiring, and you're starting to see that he's catching on to the BITCH's shenanigans. Keep it up, Brian. And as always, RIP Bill Buchanan. Your country grieves your loss every single day.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Still God behind the keyboard, though she was temporarily thrown off by the BITCH disabling the satellites. Doesn't matter what the BITCH does though, Chloe will figure it all out eventually.

5) Cole Ortiz - Showed us a keen sense of direction and knowledge of the New York City streets, as well as continued his wonderful reign as Jack's right hand man. Also showed us his instinct when he pointed out to Jack that it was "convenient" that the satellites went out right as they were about to catch the cab with the rods in it. I am, however, surprised that Jack didn't kill Cole through the phone when Cole had the audacity to question Chloe's integrity. I would suggest never doing that again, Cole.

6) Renee Walker - Makes quite the partner with Jack, as they teamed up to take out a whole team of elite US Marines by themselves. Continues to show us her pinpoint accuracy on the 9 mill, while at the same time looking very hot.

7) Jack Bauer - The Man. The Myth. The Legend. When President Taylor wants something done, she calls on Jack Bauer, and once again he delivered by saving President Hassan's life even though he may or may not have broken ribs and a collapsed lung. If I have a son and he grows up to be .0001% the man that Jack is, my son will be the 2nd greatest human to ever walk this Earth. 2nd to Jack, of course.

8) Omar Hassan - While under siege by the Marines who wanted to turn him over to the terrorists, he showed us that he too is quite handy with a 9 millimeter. Not sure about his genes, however, as Kyla Hassan is turning out to be pretty useless. First she falls in love with a terrorist and lets him become Omar's head of security, then she sprains her ankle as they're running from the marines and slows the whole party down. She sucks.

9) Allison Taylor - Delivered a stirring, impassioned speech about the core values of America when presented with the idea of just turning Hassan over to the terrorists to avoid the bomb going off in NYC. Also knows to call Jack Bauer when she needs something done. Smart lady.

10) Rob Weiss - Now THIS guy is in a whole shitload of trouble. He went along with General Buckner's idea to capture Hassan and turn him over to the terrorists, which failed because of Jack Bauer. Then he decided to let Ethan Kanin suffer through a heart attack instead of calling an ambulance for fear of Kanin snitching on them. I hope he's ready for hell to be unleashed on him.

Other random thoughts on last night's proceedings:

- I think Samir, the lead terrorist, is the calmest terrorist in history. That guy never smiles, or frowns, or gets angry... nothing. Just goes about his business, ruining lives and killing thousands. Ho hum.

- Tarin, who is now charged with driving the bomb to it's detonation site, is looking a little skittish to me. He has that look on his face that makes me believe that he won't go through with it, even though he has begun the countdown. Maybe he does actually love Kyla and she is pregnant with his child, a little terrorist fetus, that he doesn't want to die in the explosion. How cute!

- Agent O'Connor, the female Secret Service agent who was leading the team to escort President Hassan out of the UN before Jack showed up, has some SERIOUS nuts. That girl is badass! After holding off the marines for a while, she looks up at Jack, tells him she knows what she has to do, then jumps up from cover and starts firing liked a crazy person. I assume she's dead, but if she isn't, she deserves a spin-off!

- I'm not going to give away who, just in case you didn't see the scenes from next week, but (Enter name here) is BACK!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! ;LSJDNGO IEGN;SLDKNV;LDSLV;DJ;DFJLK;FLKDNS;LJA]JO[F Weinogp98HG3[u!!!!!!!!!!

(pants wetting)

MMBF - 3/29: Let's Go Red Bulls!

2010-03-29T09:49:00.043-04:00

Greetings children on this rainy, chilly Monday here is the New Jersey, the greatest state in all the land. This March is certainly not going out like a lamb, though if it is, it's going out like a lamb that was just dropped in a tub of ice water... before of course becoming a wonderful lamb chop or piece of veal for me to eat. Mmmmmm, delicious. I now expect PETA to throw fake animal blood on my blog.

I'd like to begin by giving CBS a big ol' F- for it's coverage of the NCAA tournament over the weekend. First of all, Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery should be doing every game. Nobody makes life more exciting than Gus Johnson, and no one color-commentates like Bill Raftery. A pairing of these two geniuses would be a never-ending wet dream. Second, I wanted to jump off of a bridge on Friday night when CBS was staying with a lame Duke team that no one likes instead of switching over to the Northern Iowa-Michigan St. game, which was in its closing minutes, was a very close game, and featured one of the biggest story lines of the tournament that EVERYONE was into (Northern Iowa's Cinderella run). Memo to CBS: WE ALL THINK DUKE IS ANNOYING. NOT AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU THINK ACTUALLY LIKE THEM. STOP MAKING US WATCH THEM ALL THE TIME. They're just a bunch of snobby white kids, where one kid is pastier than the next. They all complain endlessly about fouls like little babies, and none of them are going to succeed in the NBA. We don't need to see them. Of course, they're going to the Final Four, so I'm forced to watch them for another weekend. Go West Virginia!

Speaking of Duke, how ugly is Kyle Singler? It's like Powder had sex with the Blue Devils mascot, and they produced this horrific basketball-playing human being. When I see him, I suddenly know what hell will be like: Me sitting there with Kyle Singler staring at me for all eternity. I need to start donating more money to charity or join Habitat for Humanity or something so I don't have to go through that.

Sunday I decided to do a little DVR clean-up, part of which involved me finally getting around to watching Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. the New York Knicks, one of ESPN's 30 for 30 documentaries. I loved it. As a kid, I didn't really get into the NBA too much (not that I do now though either. The NBA is boring). The only NBA basketball I really watched was Michael Jordan of course, and the playoff series that the Knicks were involved with, pretty much because they were the local team. I had no real rooting interest. But I do remember very clearly the rivalry between the Knicks and Reggie Miller, and this documentary showed everything about that rivalry perfectly. My favorite part was the section that discussed the trash-talking between Miller and Knicks guard John Starks (who can't have more than a 5th grade education, and you can't convince me otherwise). Really funny stuff. It was also interesting to see how much of a brawl NBA basketball really was back in the mid 90s. It's like people went to a boxing match and an NBA game broke out - fascinating to see how much the game as changed (it was more entertaining back then, though I would think basketball purists would think otherwise). Overall, a really great documentary. I highly recommend it.

I most certainly will delve into much greater depth on this topic at a later date, but I wanted to give a quick mention to the fact that this weekend was the official announcement that this season, season 8, is the last ever for 24. A moment of silence please.

Thank you. Today truly marks the beginning of the end of an era.

Ever since I went to an Ithaca (club team) vs. Cornell (JV team) hockey game when I was in college and almost got in a fight with the entire Cornell varsity team, I have been in love with college hockey. It's just really awesome to watch, and last night's game between Miami University (that's for you, Cordes) and Michigan was just another example of how great it is. The winner of the game moved on to the Frozen Four, so both teams were literally pouring their hearts out on the ice. I was rooting for Miami because my roommate is an alum, and thankfully they won a couple of minutes into the second overtime, sending Cordes into what I imagine were raptures, raptures that I hope did not cause any sort of heart malfunction. Actually, now that I think about it, I haven't seen him on gchat yet this morning. Cordes! Let us know you're alive! And the rest of you, do yourself a favor and watch the Frozen Four next weekend, you won't be disappointed.

And finally, Saturday was the first regular season game for the New York Red Bulls in their shiny new stadium in Harrison, NJ, aptly titled Red Bull Arena. I decided we needed to go to this game because A) we love soccer, and B) we needed to see the new stadium, which everyone was saying is already the best soccer-only stadium in North America. We began the day with a little pregame hooligan party, only instead of smashing beer bottles and stabbing the fans of the visiting team (the Chicago Fire) in the neck, we played Mario Kart, NBA Jam and baseball (the drinking game version) all while sampling the finest of brews: Natural's Lightest, the Rocky Mountain Refreshment, and the Champagne of Beers. We then proceeded to go to the game via PATH train, which was incredibly easy and convenient. And the stadium itself was absolutely beautiful. It looks like one big UFO in the middle of nothing, but once inside, it has everything you would want in a smaller soccer venue. The roof covers the crowd but not the field, so all the noise generated by the fans is trapped inside, making it really loud for the duration of the match. All the seats have a great view, so there isn't a bad seat in the house, and the main group of Red Bulls psycho supporters are so loud that the atmosphere is pretty awesome. The Red Bulls won 1-0, which made them go even crazier, chanting loudly and setting of smoke bombs. It was pretty cool. Then the Chicago fans took their team's name a little too seriously and started setting off red flares, though luckily they didn't burn the stadium down. Fun times! You should definitely check it out.

Now onto my complaints about the experience! The concessions stands were painfully slow, almost to the point where I thought Scott and my girlfriend had been kidnapped and murdered at one point while they were getting beers and hot dogs. That needs to improve, though I would imagine it will as they iron out the wrinkles of putting on these events in a brand new stadium - it was the first game, after all. My other main complaint was the cluster(beep) at the PATH station on the way out after the game. There is only 1 entrance to the Harrison PATH station, so when 20,000-some odd people are trying to get in 1 door, madness ensues. It took forever to get to the platform. They seriously need to consider putting in more entrances and making the platform bigger, because it was a bit of a problem. Come to think of it, why even is there a PATH station in Harrison? It was there long before Red Bull Arena, but there is NOTHING there. There are 3 or 4 abandoned warehouses and lots of parking lots. Is there even a town of Harrison? Or did they just give a name to a parking garage? I don't get it. But despite these gripes, I will be going back to see more Red Bulls games, and you should too. Great times.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Jack Bauer only reloads to make the terrorists think they have a chance

2010-03-23T09:53:00.018-04:00

My thoughts on last night's gut-wrenching episode of 24 just as soon as my pants loosen up after watching Erin Andrews on Dancing with the Stars last night...

- Please die, Dana Walsh.

- Apparently CTU's cell phone service comes from AT&T, because when Jack and Cole (a new drink perhaps?) pulled up to the dock to engage the terrorists and tried to contact CTU, Cole complained about having 4 bars but the call not going through. It sounded all too familiar to those of us with AT&T...

- I enjoyed that at the beginning of the longest firefight in history, Tarin looked out with binoculars and identified Jack Bauer, at which point they all started panicking because of how awesome he is. But then Tarin said that Jack is "one of" CTU's best agents. WRONG TARIN. Idiot. He is the best. Not one of.

- It must be a prerequisite in 24 that if you work for a government agency other than CTU, you must have a MASSIVE ego, which was the case with the head of the NSA New York branch who came to help CTU get back on its feet after the EMP attack. Damn good thing that Chloe again proved how awesome she is by sticking a gun in the douche's face and shooing him away so she could get the job done, like she always does time and time again.

- I think we all knew that Nervous Nellie Owen would eat the big eat at some point this season, but who woulda thunk that it would have been doing something so heroic? I assumed he would have been the guy who broke formation behind the armored plates with Jack and Cole (mmmm, tasty drink) and f'ed everything up, not the other agent who actually did that. Instead Owen was a hero by running into the middle of a firefight to save his fallen comrade. Unfortunately he didn't make it, but he died doing the right thing. RIP son.

- I'm starting to come around to Brian Hastings, because it seems as though he's finally realized that Chloe will do everything faster and better than anyone else at CTU. He's also quit being such a pussy and is now giving the orders instead of taking them from douchebags like the NSA guy. Perhaps the spirit of Bill Buchanon is slowly infiltrating his brain, and he's now starting to think more clearly. Once again, RIP Bill. We miss and love you.

- Jack Bauer just keeps re-defining the word "hero." It's getting ridiculous with how high he's setting the bar for other men of justice to aspire to, because they never will. He is a god, plain and simple. On this occasion he decided to use himself as a decoy for machine gun fire so that Cole could make it to the landline to contact CTU. He killed a couple terrorists, of course, then took a few bullets himself. You think those bullets did any harm to him though? Pshhhhh. He's Jack Bauer. And of course Cole made it to the phone. What a hero Jack is.

- Now that she seems to be over her emotional problems, it was good to see Renee get back in the field and continue this season's badassery, this time with a few well-placed 9 millimeter rounds in terrorists faces. She just marches right up, and BANG! Terrorist dead. I think her and Cole and competing for marksman of the year this season. I love it. You go girl.

- I think the right play when you're getting strangled from behind by a choke-cord (like the parole officer was by Dana Walsh when she decided killing him was the only way out) is to play dead quickly, then when she lets go because she thinks you're dead, you flip around and kill her. Unfortunately he didn't do that, so now he's dead and Dana's alive, which then lead to her making a phone call that revealed... wait, what? SHE IS A TERRORIST?!?!??!?! WHAT THE FUCK! I knew her stupid story line would end up tying into the main story line eventually, or else the 24 writers wouldn't have bothered with it, but I had no idea it would tie in like this. Holy shit. As if I didn't hate her enough before, now I'm just going off the deep end with anger. Kudos, 24 writers. You totally got me there. Now the terrorists are piled into a cab with the nuclear rods in Manhattan. 4 Indians in a cab. Yep. Never gonna find 'em.

MMBF - 3/22: RIP 2010 New York Rangers

2010-03-22T13:18:00.025-04:00

Greetings on this most rainiest of Mondays here in the Garden State, aka the Greatest State in All the World, aka New Jersey. You'll have to excuse me for making this a Monday Afternoon Brain Fart, however, it took me the entire morning to recover from the extreme vomiting that was caused by having to look at and listen to Nancy Pelosi last night. I think I'll be ok, though my esophagus burns a bit.

How incredible has this NCAA tournament been so far? The upsets, the buzzer beaters... it's just been enthralling television. It's a good thing I was stuck at work and had to miss most of it on Thursday and Friday, right! (Excuse me while I crush this glass against my forehead. Thank you.) At least this weekend still had it's fill of big upsets for me to see. St. Mary's beat Villanova because 'Nova couldn't stop St. Mary's big man (who apparently hasn't met a cheeseburger he didn't love) and Scottie Reynolds, 'Nova's best player, was the worst player on the floor. Northern Iowa upset the number 1 overall seed, Kansas, in an incredible game that was won when Northern Iowa's Ali Farjfhnfn:DLjhglsjkngDLkj made a gutsy three with about 30 seconds left. And the Big Red of Cornell continued their Shortstop-fueled Cinderella run through the tournament with an emphatic win over Wisconsin. Ithaca, represent. I also learned from CBS and its pregame show on Saturday that it is impossible to be a big time college basketball star unless you grew up in a drug-riddled and gang-infested neighborhood and were raised by your grandmother who kept some other kids in the neighborhood straight as well by welcoming them into her home. I never stood a chance.

Last Wednesday was of course St. Patrick's Day, and aside from the usual shenanigans that occur on that day, it was always the 1 day a year where my mom would make us corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots and irish soda bread. It's my favorite dinner of the year. But since I went away to college in 2002 and am now on my own, those St. Patty's Day dinners have been few and far between. Not this year, however! I was back at the crib this weekend, so my mom decided to wait to the weekend to make my favorite meal ever. Mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm! If you haven't tried the New Jersey of dinners I highly suggest you partake. I can still taste the deliciousness. I can also still smell it. I have no friends around me right now.

I saw Up in the Air on Saturday, and I really, really liked it. I thought it was interesting, funny, quirky, emotional, well-written and well-acted - just a really great movie. I thought Dr. Doug Ross was awesome, and that Anna Kendrick was even better. I've heard a lot of people say that it's a depressing movie, and I can see where they're coming from. I don't want to give too much away for those of you who haven't seen it, so if you absolutely don't want to know anything, move on to the next paragraph. But Clooney's character was a gun-for-hire that companies brought in to fire people, basically. And most of the people he was firing were older people who thought they had no hope of finding other employment because of their age. My dad is an employed 60 year old man with a daughter in college, a mortgage, car payments, etc. He was the kind of person Clooney was firing, and he thought the movie was depressing. I totally get it, and I understand it. But seeing as I'm not in that position, and haven't experienced anything like that at this young age, I took the movie for what it was: a character study about a man who was only content when he was alone, flying from place to place, with no personal connections. He loved it. And when it was all seemingly taken away from him, he changed. Just a great movie, and one that I have decided to break out the ol' Eli Manning Face rating system for! 4 and a half out of 5!

As I said in a previous post, when baseball is back, life is good again, and it gets even better when fantasy baseball season begins, which it did for me last night. I LOVE fantasy baseball, if only because it's the time of year when you can be the GM and make your own team. We spend much of our sports seasons yelling at the TV and criticizing our teams, saying we could do a better job in putting them together. Well in fantasy, that's when you have your chance. And seeing as I won my big money league last year, I'd have to say I did a swell job of it. I also have morals when it comes to fantasy, which sometimes hurts my pursuit of victory. In baseball, I hate the Red Sox, the Mets, and the Phillies, therefore, I refuse to have any players from those teams on my fantasy team. It's reality over fantasy for me. I can't root for those sons of bitches, so I can't have them on my team. It was nice to see last year that my conviction paid off with a championship.

Life premiered on the Discovery Channel last night, and it was AWESOME. It's basically the same thing as Planet Earth, but instead of concentrating on the locales and moving around the globe in regions, Life concentrates solely on the animals, going through them one category at a time, with last night being the reptiles and amphibians. I am continuously amazed by how they get the shots that they do. They are so ridiculously close to these animals that are as big as a finger nail - it's just unreal. And it's beautiful. The only complaint I have about the whole thing is that Oprah is the narrator, and she just isn't very good. It sucks that Discovery felt like we needed to have a name like Oprah narrate it so that people would watch it, because the show itself is beautiful enough to attract a huge audience without her. Her voice just doesn't work with the nature stuff. Get me Mike Rowe!

And finally, I'd like to say a big, fat, emphatic Rest In Peace to the 2010 New York Rangers, one of the most frustrating teams I have ever had the displeasure of watching. I am diehard, so I have no choice. I have to watch, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. But it is just getting ridiculous. How many shit years do the Rangers need to have before there is a front-office shakeup? Oh right, at least 20 more, because James Dolan is the worst owner in sports. Hands down. This is the man who kept Isiah Thomas in his job with the Knicks even though he had signed players to some of the worst contracts in history, completely ruined the franchise and alienated the fan base, AND had a sexual harassment suit filed against him. And now Dolan is keeping Glen Sather in his job as Rangers GM even though he's won a grand total of TWO playoff series in his 10 years on the job, and done all the same things that Isiah did minus the sexual harassment suit. Where is he getting this job security from? He won championships with Edmonton, as the head coach, in the 1980s. THAT'S 30 YEARS AGO. Stop giving him credit for those when they were a lifetime ago when he's in the process of burning a once-proud franchise to the ground. He has obviously demonstrated that he doesn't have what it takes to be a GM. With the Rangers 2-1 loss to Boston yesterday that puts us 5 points out of a playoff spot with 10 games to go, it will take a miracle to make it. And even if we do, we'll get slaughtered in the first round by Washington. They play with no heart, no passion, they can't score goals, the power play is atrocious, the defense sucks... how does Glen Sather still have a job?!??! I'm getting angry and starting to sweat just thinking about this, and I'm getting even angrier knowing that Sather is probably not going to be fired and will put together another overpaid, under-talented, shit roster for me to watch next year. And watch them I will. Joke's on me I guess.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 10

2010-03-19T10:14:00.021-04:00

Our Citizens are Ambitious and Goal-Oriented

Many people come to America because this is a land where dreams come true. It's a land of opportunity. If you want something, you go out and you make it happen. Hard work pays off. Dreams come true.

A microcosm of this American spirit is the great state of New Jersey, the greatest of all the states here is this great country. Truth be told, the "Land of Opportunity" actually began here in New Jersey, then grew to the rest of the country when everyone else found it to be so awesome. The citizens of this wonderful state are an ambitious lot. We set goals, and we achieve them. There is no mountain too high, nor bridges too far. It is all within your reach here in the most incredible piece of land in this country.

Take for instance this go-getter from our great state that I learned about in one of the most reputable and scrupulous publications in the US, the New York Post. (be sure to come back after reading the link. I have no idea how to program the link to open in a different window).

Talk about goals! Talk about ambition! This woman is going up against history, and who dares to doubt her? There can only be 1 fattest woman in the world, and Donna Simpson is going to be that woman, because if a person from New Jersey sets a lofty target such as this one, they always hit that target. You think a woman from Ohio could do this? California? Kentucky? Please. Serious dreamers only need apply. And you'll only find an ambitious hero like this in the great state of New Jersey.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Thought for Food - Donna Simpson, Le Whif & Cat Litter

www.colbertnation.com

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Health Care reform

As you can see, this has garnered so much attention that the most well-respected and integrity-filled journalist of our time, Stephen Colbert, decided to feature it on his nightly news program this past Tuesday night. (You may have noticed a loud "WHOOP" at the very beginning when he said New Jersey for the first time - yep. That was me in the crowd.) Now, he only decided to feature this woman because he knew she could attain her lofty goal because she's from New Jersey. If Donna was from Pennsylvania, Colbert wouldn't have even sniffed this story, because he knows that only the women of the fine state of New Jersey have the gumption and the intestinal fortitude - not to mention capacity - to strive for such greatness.

You will also see in the video that she has been receiving food gifts from people around the country so that she may achieve her goal more quickly. Donna, please heed the following warning from a fellow New Jerseyan: BEWARE OF GIFTS SENT TO YOU FROM PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF NEW JERSEY. They are only jealous of your zeal for greatness because they are unable to muster up the determination to achieve such greatness on their own. If I were you, I would only trust gifts from the great people of the great state of New Jersey. We are your friends. We will help you to become a legend.

Keep up the great work, Donna. New Jersey stands behind you. Well, next to you if we want to see anything in front of us... you get the idea though.

The Only Bracket Analysis You Need

2010-03-17T13:26:00.017-04:00

It's the day before the NCAA Tournament officially begins. You've been busy at work and haven't had time to look at a bracket, let alone fill one out. It's also St. Patrick's Day, so you're drunk and your arms are covered in vomit, so you really can't look at a bracket anyway. But you HAVE to have it filled out by noon tomorrow. This is where I come in, and why you're here. I'll give you everything you need to know about each region. Not the winner of some inconsequential 7-10 matchup, just my sleeper, my big upset, and my winners. Boom. Cut and dry. So wipe away the puke and observe:

MIDWEST

Sleeper: No sleepers here! The good teams are just too good in this bracket. It is positively loaded.

Upset Special: San Diego St. over Tennessee (First Round)
Tennessee thinks it can distract teams with it's obnoxious all-orange jerseys, but not the Aztecs! It's science - Indians can't see the color orange.

Region Winner: Ohio St. over Kansas
OSU has the best player in the country - Evan Turner. 'Nuff said. Kansas may have all the experience and depth, but they don't have Turner.

WEST

Sleeper: Murray St. and BYU
I'll give you 2 since there weren't any in the Midwest. Murray St. just sounds like a school that no one knows where the hell it is that will make a run to the Sweet 16. And BYU... well, you never doubt Mormons, right? Plus the whitewash they can throw on the court will blind Kansas St. into a 2 for 30 3-point shooting performance.

Upset Special: Murray St. over Vanderbilt (First Round)
Vanderbilt kids will be too busy studying for their upcoming finals to look at tape of a school they've never heard of because, let's be honest, settling for anything less than a Vanderbilt education would be... uncivilized.

Region Winner: Pittsburgh over Syracuse
Big East represent. I always love Pitt's toughness. Syracuse's zone won't be able to contain crazed Pitt players being fueled by french frie sandwiches.

EAST

Sleeper: Marquette
They're a 6 seed, so they count! Marquette is another beast from the Big East who I love. You can't doubt teams who come from unquestionably the best conference in the nation.

Upset Special: Marquette over New Mexico (2nd Round)
It's the biggest seed-difference victory I have in my bracket here in front of me, so I guess I have to pick this one, even though I don't consider it too much of an upset. New Mexico would probably be 3-13 in the Big East.

Region Winner: West Virginia over Kentucky
I absolutely love the way WVU plays basketball. They have a ton of skill, a ton of depth, and they're battle-tested by playing in, you guessed it, the Big East. John Wall's got alligator arms in pressure situations, so expect a choke job followed by the patented Donovan McNabb in-game vomit.

SOUTH

Sleeper: Siena
13 seed Siena plays a number 4 Purdue team in the first round that has seemingly forgotten what a basketball looks like in recent days, plus they're the Saints. Are we seeing a pattern developing here?

Upset Special: Louisville over Duke (2nd Round)
Duke sucks and is overrated, and Louisville is from the Big East. Onions!

Region Winner: Notre Dame over Louisville
ND was one of, if not the, hottest team in the country coming down the stretch, and I expect that hot streak to continue. Plus their Talented and Awkward White Guy Ratio, or TAWGR as it's known in educational circles, is off the charts since they have Luke Harangody and Tyler Hansbrough's little bother. There's no denying them.

FINAL FOUR

Ohio St. over Pittsburgh
Like I said, OSU has Evan Turner. I have nothing more to say about this.

West Virginia over Notre Dame
While ND has been incredibly hot, WVU has been slightly hotter, as you can see by their Big East tournament victory. Backwoods hicks beat educated Catholics here.

CHAMPIONSHIP

West Virginia over Ohio St.
Like I said, OSU has Evan Turner. BUT HE DOESN'T PLAY IN THE BIG EAST. Best player in the country = nullified by battle-hardened skill. Go Mountaineers!

So there you have it, all of the teams you know you shouldn't pick this year, now that I've jinxed them all. I do it every year, so trust me when I say this: DON'T USE MY PICKS. PICK THE OPPOSITE. You're much better off copying the bracket of the chick sitting in the cubicle next to you who picks the teams based on which mascot would perform better in a threesome.